He's putting conditions on having sex with me

[Mumtoahostofdingbats]

My husband (don't want to say DH as doesn't feel that D at the moment) has had problems with intimacy and sex our whole marriage. In hindsight I shouldn't have married him as it's now non existent. I asked him what we should do and he said well you know what to do. Heels and lingerie. I just feel I shouldn't have to dress up and besides which he has rejected me SO much in the past it's killed all my confidence and I would feel a 'fool' and like I was opening myself up to more hurt when he still doesn't want to. Am I being selfish? Should I dress up for him? Even though it makes me uncomfortable ? Please help.

He doesn't like you, he is making excuses to not be intimate with you.
My ExH never wanted sex, my self esteem was rock bottom and I actually got to believe that I was grossly unattractive.

Do you know I look at photos of myself taken when I was with him and I was really attractive, good figure, I just let his nastiness affect me.
You are only 40, you have a lot of life to live don't let his poison taint the rest of your life and your happiness.

I know and appreciate how difficult breaking up your relationship will be, but your only fear is the unknown, and if you can make a decision and practical plans you will manage.

Good Luck

Thank you for your words of support and for making me laugh at a bloody horrible time. We just talked and it was the usual lip service of it's not you it's me. I will do more with the children. I don't want to loose you. I actually feel very sorry for him as I genuinely think he is just an emotional cripple. As one poster said, he does have some good qualities but not enough to outweigh his totally insensitive, unsupportive and at times down right degrading comments and attitude to me. He basically can't cope with family life and admits this. Takes himself off whenever he can and does things like when we go to cinema says at last minute he's going to have a wander on his own and buggers off leaving me with three kids even though he has a ticket????? I'm realising sex is only one of many issues. It's a bit of a head f@*k to be honest. Feels like my whole life is crumbling. I know it will be ok and hearing from all of you that it's defo not normal or OK does make me realize I'm not crazy or over sensitive (which he says I am) Thank you again .

Mum Are you in North Yorkshire at all? (I live in a forces town) PM me if so x

"Takes himself off whenever he can and does things like when we go to cinema says at last minute he's going to have a wander on his own and buggers off leaving me with three kids even though he has a ticket?????"

I wish I could read this and not immediately think "he has a fancy woman that hes arranged to meet in the car park nearby and has used this as guaranteed keeping you all busy time".

I promise he hasn't!!! We live in a country where that wouldn't be possible! I almost wish he had though as at least that would be a reason!!!! There is. V small expat community here so when affairs happen, everyone knows about them.

we live in a Muslim country. We are white English so his chances of a fancy woman are v narrow and everyone knows everyone by some degree of separation hence my reluctance to talk about this in RL

"Takes himself off whenever he can and does things like when we go to cinema says at last minute he's going to have a wander on his own and buggers off leaving me with three kids even though he has a ticket"

WTF?!

He doesn't want a real woman, he prefers fake degraded women having to perform for sad bastards like him who can't get it up with a normal woman.

Didn't think his nastiness was only sexual, it's more about his contempt for you and his family, I'd set him free, and yourself!

Lots of women and men do things for their parent sexually - we give all the time in relationship sin all kinds of ways so that per se is not wrong, but it does not sounds as though you and he are getting on too well and that he has a low sex drive which is the bigger issue. Could you compromise? If he wants sex once a month and you every day hwat about once a week?

This is sounding horribly like my exh.... who turned out to have erectile dysfunction and instead of facing it turned everything around so it was my fault. There was always sth: didn't have large enough boobs/was breastfeeding too much (!)/sexy underwear put him off (opposite side of same coin)/saying I was too thin when I had been ILL...he was seriously passive aggressive and used to do things like systematically "fall asleep" at the cinema if we were out with kids, pull out of organised events, ensure he was working instead of on holiday with us etc like he had to sabotage family time. He got worse and worse and when we split went through two girlfriends who I bet you anything weren't rescuers like me and told him to take a hike. Definitely had a Madonna/whore complex.

So beware of someone projecting his problems onto you.

If he's not being kind to you then that's not sexy. End of story.

By the way, to give you hope, I've since met someone who loves small breasts and has a normal libido. He loves sexy clothes but they're a plus not a condition.

I know small expat communities are hard to deal with but you deserve so much more than his warped insecurities. And it's no-one's business but yours.

Please dont tolerate his nastiness. I had 4 dcs and my dh tells me all the time how sexy I am and he is such a brilliant lover . He pays me compliments and always makes sure I am satisfied when we have sex. I have been up and down with weight having 4 dcs and even when at my heaviest he always says how sexy I am and does His best to make me reel confident about myself. Your dh (dick head husband) sounds an absolute arse hole and a bit of a bully. I bet he doesn't look all David Beckham esque . You deserve so much better op

You just know that even if you dressed up each time, it wouldn't make a difference.

As for leaving you at the cinema and wandering off on his own I would be totally shocked and angry at that.

I would leave him for either/both those things.

YUCK.

He sounds horrible.

Life's too short, OP. Especially when it also means trailing around after him as a forces wife!

Leave. Leave, come home, live a nicer life.

It sounds like his only fancywoman is his right hand and his pc.

He doesn't want to have sex, and you don't want to have sex with him. Unsurprisingly as he's a total arsehole.

The obvious solution is to get divorced.

I would make him dress up as a cowboy just for revenge though.

My exh told me that the reason he didn't have sex with me was because I wore pyjamas and never anything sexy.

Bastard.

I left him pretty swiftly after that

I've had 2 dc and am overweight but my DH still tells me how sexy I am.

That's the way it should be.

He sounds similar to my XH with regards to the disassociative relationship between sex and intimacy. Add in the demoralising comments plus his body issues it was a toxic brew.

I have never felt as free and as happy in my entire life as I did when I left him.

I'm nearly 50 and fat. My dh has never said a bloody word. Be careful though if you are in ME and thinking of leaving. I would recommend keeping it to yourself and getting some legal advice pronto.

Lots of women and men do things for their parent sexually - we give all the time in relationship sin all kinds of ways so that per se is not wrong

Err no. Doing something that's akin to having a fuck is something you do in addition to when your love life is satisfactory. It's not instead of it.

Blimey 7461Mary18 your unfortunate typos are not the only thing that's questionable about your post

Get legal advice asap.

If you aren't in the U.K check you can take the dcs out of the country without his permission.

This could easily turn disasterous.

If you are in the ME, you need legal advice.
Dont talk about it and don't mention separation before you are out of the country.

Can you organise a trip back home with your dcs? Any reason why you would go back on your own?
And any support that the Army could give you in those circumstances?

I would suggest that you go home to the UK for a holiday/visit family, then reassess as to whether you want to go back afterwards...

I'm not aware if any of the ME countries are signed up the Hague convention.

5 ft 4" and 57 kg

My goodness. I'd give quite a lot to have those stats (though I suspect the height is a lost cause given what an old bag I am). He sounds like an utter shit, and he's so cruel to you.
And yes, it will make you sad, because having to admit it's all gone wrong is horrible.
You deserve better, you really do.

Recently rekindled intimate relationship with DH after years of neglect on my side. I used to sit around in joggers all the time and didn't feel the least sexy. Since spending more time on my appearance and clothing I have felt loads more attractive and desirable. My DH seems to like the new me but he showed me he fancied me before the change. Pretty, sexy underwear is great if it is appreciated by both of you I think.