He's putting conditions on having sex with me

[Mumtoahostofdingbats]

My husband (don't want to say DH as doesn't feel that D at the moment) has had problems with intimacy and sex our whole marriage. In hindsight I shouldn't have married him as it's now non existent. I asked him what we should do and he said well you know what to do. Heels and lingerie. I just feel I shouldn't have to dress up and besides which he has rejected me SO much in the past it's killed all my confidence and I would feel a 'fool' and like I was opening myself up to more hurt when he still doesn't want to. Am I being selfish? Should I dress up for him? Even though it makes me uncomfortable ? Please help.

He wants porn sex - not a real relationship.

Why am I crying and feeling so sad about it? Why do I feel a part of me will miss him? I feel like I'm mad. Sorry this a Counselling session. I am very very far from friends and family and live where my H works (forces) so can't talk to people here as he works with them/ their husbands. I feel so fucking upset.

That's totally normal, you're grieving the life you thought you had in front of you, that can hurt more than the thought of just losing the person.

Tell him that you'll put on heels and a red lacy bra if he does too...

It's normal to miss a "routine", you will adjust.

I often wear lingerie and heels to have sex with my partner because I know he loves it and it makes me feel sexy and desirable. That is, we BOTH enjoy it. It's a game we BOTH like to play.

We also have sex with me in a t-shirt just out of bed, or in jeans, or similar. This year I had a foot operation and had to wear yoga trousers (and obviously no heels) for a months. Didn't put him off sexually in the least. Oh, and I'm 40 too.

You are not the problem. Your stupid dick of a husband is the problem. He doesn't love you, and having children witness a loveless marriage is really not a good idea. Get out.

I'm not good looking and I have Binge Eating Disorder.

Not once has this effected my DH's love for me.

He loves me, sex is an expression of that. Your H sounds like he just wants something to fuck. It's no wonder you're not happy

You are entitled to feel crazy, what he has been doing is bloody crazy and he's all but useless to you now so get rid!

You're sad because the man you thought you loved doesn't not exist. Because the life you have is shit. Because you don't have a real marriage.

It's completely normal to be devastated by the realisation.

Yes if you act like a slut like in his porn then he might just manage it, fuck that OP, you are worth a zillion times more than that, what a horrible git he is.

Agree.
You are grieving the life you had, the life you thought you had and the ione you though yu would have in the future.

I you were to separate, how would it work if you are posted far away? Are you still in the UK?

tell him you will make the effort of lingerie and heels
when he researches death grip and deals with his porn problem

and comes to discuss your mutual sex life with the view that you are also a human being

A similar thing happened to me, he wouldn't have sex with me, when I asked why was told I needed to 'seduce' him. Found that a bit insulting but thought I'd give it a go and tried sexy underwear but that didn't work and I got lame excuses. For a long time I thought it was because I wasn't sexy or whatever but now I'm with someone who want sex with me a lot so it turns out I wasn't the problem! and you're not either OP, he should appreciate you, not try to make you be something you're not.

YOU are not the issue here @Mumtoahostofdingbats he is.

And repeat after me

'This is NOT my doing.....'

Ugh my exH would only have sex (and I mean literally only) when I was wearing a thong and hold ups. He would only go down on me if I got out of bed and washed myself thoroughly first. Even a late night roll together would mean I had to go and wash and dress up.

Issues galore. I only stayed four years, and that was four years too long.

Sex comes from the mind and for the mind to feel sexy you have to actually like each other, there is nothing about him that you write that is remotely likeable.

Why am I crying and feeling so sad about it? Why do I feel a part of me will miss him?

Because you are grieving for the end of your relationship. For all the "what could be's" in your mind and heart. You are facing up to the reality of your relationship, in all it's cold, hard, glamorous, unloving light, and it's bloody harsh & sad.

Once you are able to focus on detaching things will get much easier.

It must feel overwhelming at the moment; particularly if you are isolated from family and friends. The thought of breaking up is daunting.
Would it be possible to move in temporarily with family? I understand you'll be uprooting your children.
Don't stay until your self esteem is destroyed completely. Try to take some small steps towards divorce. Even if that takes time, making a phone call or researching the legalities online is a start.

You can get through this

You really do need to leave him, as I doubt he will change.

In the interim, I'd be very tempted to fuck with him and his inflated ego. When he requests you dress up, you could reply with a head tilt and say "can't you get hard at a naked woman's body alone? None of my previous boyfriends had a problem getting hard"

OR I'd say "Great idea, I can do that. Please can you dress as a builder, complete with hard hat and tool belt? Let me know when you've got the outfit and we can make a date"

Tell him he already has the body of a God - Buddha!

It's totally normal to be upset. I expect you've put up with his awful behaviour over the years because there are (or were) things you love about him. Maybe he's not the wonderful man you thought/hoped he was, in which case you're grieving that, or maybe he does have his good points, which don't make up for the bad ones, but it's normal to be sad about missing them.

I also think he's caused you a great deal of pain over the years, and acknowledging that can be very upsetting. It's healthy though. Feeling sad and crying is a healthy way to let go of that pain.

Could you access telephone counselling? Are you in the U.K. - if so you could call Women's Aid for support - or elsewhere?

This isn't right, if he loved you is lust for you would transcend the physical and how its packaged. Its not you and its not your body. He is the problem not you. My ex went from a size 10 to size 18 with stretch marks and all the usual trimming of having two kids and maybe not the healthiest of life styles. But every inch of her was just as sexy as the day I met her.

Maybe he can dress up for you. Why is he dictating the terms. Tell him you want him to dress up as a zombie because you fantasise about having sex with the dead, maybe he could put his body in the freezer to really get the affect.

Nope.

Unless he's willing to dress up in latex for you (not to say you like it but for context) then I'd say fuck off husband, hello divorce papers.

He doesn't lack confidence in sex. If he did he wouldn't want you to dress up he'd want you to take it slow and ease / reassure him.

He probably has some type of fetish for lingerie. Which is fine if he a) owns it and b) you don't mind it.

I think its ok for men to be clear about what turns them on and why and that includes bodyshape and visual foreplay.

However, this guy is basically a total dick. He offers nothing but complaints and criticisms and seems to delight in insulting the OP. There is no support and no evidence of actual love in the relationship either.