mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Morning MLS. Glad you got a good night, that always helps! The counselling sounds like a good idea, and I'd agree it's a good idea to try and work out stuff by yourself (with counsellor) before the relationship counselling.

Also agree it's a good idea not to tell too many people in RL. Have you got a really good friend you could talk it over with / have a good old sob with?

lilybubble I have my RL best friend who is the only person who knows about this.
She's great and has said she's available any time, to talk, cry, rant, or just to go out and get drunk and forget about it all! Me and ds also stay over at her house sometimes as she has a lovely place in the country with a couple of dogs that ds adores! So I know there's an escape there any time if I want it.

For some reason though there is some element of shame about all of this so I know I probably won't want to go through every detail with her like I am with you guys!

But at least I know she's there.

mylittlestar, how you have treated your husband previous to this revelation is admirable. You have treated him with trust and respect. Something he has took fulladvantage of for his own benefit.

This girl is 19 for heavens sake. If she is pregnant, whether he wants to see this child or not, please bear in mind the financial implications it will have on your family. He will have to pay maintenance and it will be an expense neither of you budgeted for. Why on earth should you have to pay for his mistake?

I really feel for you love, but if it was me i would be screaming and running in the opposite direction

Sadly Edmond i think she pays for his mistake whether she stays or goes. In that if she leaves she will feel the guilt of her ds not being with his dad. And if she stays as you say maintenance and all the other difficulties she will face along the way.

Edmond I understand what you're saying.

If I'd have been faced with this scenario 'hypathetically' I'd have said exactly the same.

In fact there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't ask myself why I don't just leave him to sort out his own mess and go and find someone who appreciates me and treats me well.

But something in me says to carry on. Before the last 6 months, we'd been together 13 years, he was an amazing husband and father, in all respects. I really never had a bad word to say about him.

He's had some sort of breakdown/early mid life crisis - but by God he's done it in style hasn't he!

Never thought it was possible to love and hate someone at the same time! But I think the love still wins.

'Hypothetically'

Of course, I do understand. It is very easy for me to sit and say 'what I would do!'

I just feel for you. It is going to bring alot of unhappiness if she is pregnant. Long term unhappiness. You sound like a really good and honest person, whereas he on the other hand doesnt

I unfortunately have a habit of comparing these kind of men to my Father, so forgive me. But my father did exactly the same. My Mother forgave him time and time again. He married too young also, had kids too young, wasnt ready etc etc. It didnt seem to stop him getting other people pregnant though.... I saw my Mum give everything to their marriage, but it was never good enough for him. He was a selfish man. She could have made a better life for herself away from him, but she chose to forgive because she was a good person who tried to see the good in him. She loved him too. But kids scattered from one woman to another is not a nice upbringing to have for your son and it isnt Good enough for you either.

I hoope for your sake this is a 'one-off'. I hope for your sake she isnt pregnant either, but there is every possibility she could be.

Just dont rush into any hasty decisions

mylittlestar, that's good about your best friend. Can you get down there anytime soon? Really talking to someone, especially, imo, over a glass of wine or two, would probably really do you good. Getting it out on here is fab, and yes, easier to divulge the details, but somehow speaking about it seems to help too?

I understand exactly what you mean about the shame though - it's humiliating and you don't want to admit that it's happened to you. You don't want it held against you in some way in the future, especially if dh and you do put it all behind you. But a good friend will understand all this and I really think it would do you good to have that release and the subsequent comfort from your friend. Anyway, only you know how good a friend she is, and the sort of things that you tell each other. You needn't give her all the details, but I bet she wants to help you out if she has even an inkling that things aren't so good.

Hope you are okay xx

I suppose it's hard to belive that 'these kind of men' are someone whom you love , had dc's with and given the best part of your life too. With the ups and downs of life you just have to alter the goal posts. I was in the same camp as you Edmond then i had to alter my beliefs and am now in the 'once is a mistake twice isn't camp. But who knows love is a powerful thing and you can only go with your heart and hope it doesn't come back to bite you on the arse in the future.

Edmond, your father sounds very similar to mine. Mixed in with a child he decided to run away from and ignore until that 'child' got in touch with the family a couple of years ago and is the most wonderful brother I could have ever wanted. He's only 6 months younger than me and has had a really hard life due to his issues over being abandoned by his dad. So that's where my strenth comes from regarding the possible baby and what I would do.

I swore I'd never let a man do to me what my dad did to my mum. But it's been done to me now hasn't it.

Truly my worst ever nightmare.

I'm with lilyloo on the 'once is a mistake twice isn't' thing. I hope and pray with all my heart that if I put my trust in this man again he won't break it. But I'll never have a guarantee.

MLS where do things stand now with the other girl ? Obv it's finished but is she still getting in touch ?

LilyLoo he finished it on Saturday straight away. Got lots of texts, then a begging call, then the drunken call saying she was pregnant.

Then we've heard nothing since. Absolutely not a thing. I have dh's phone and e-mail address so I do know for sure!

Anyway, he wants to call her bluff on the pregnancy thing, keep all contact cut off, and forget about her.

About half an hour ago I asked him to go and see her and get her to do a test. I don't know if that's the right thing to do?
But I can't wait for months, I need to know now. If I know one way or the other at least I know what I'm dealing with?

I would def say she calling his bluff then. If you still want him to get her to test i think i would go with him to avoid them having the opportunity to chat things through. I would be inclined to do what he suggests especially as the pregnancy thing was said when she was drunk. Good thing with the phone / email did exactly the same. After i confronted her we never heard from her again !It's funny how quickly young girls move on whilst your left picking up the pices.

when my ex had an affair, the other 'girl' (she was only 17)told him that she was pregnant. She carried it on for a good couple of months. I had her phone number and rang and text her and she really convinced me. even sent me a picture of a positive pregnancy test!

later found out that she was lying as after 5 months she had no bump. But she kept it up until then. Thats how evil some girls can be, especially when they are young and childish like she sounds in your case. They will sometimes do whatever thay can no mater who they hurt

pregnancy update...

he just went to see her to ask her about it all and he asked her if she'd done any pregnancy tests - she said she'd done a few and they were all positive

he then asked her to do a test while he was there just so he knew for definite (she works in a chemist so it wasn't as random as it sounds!)

she said she wouldn't do it and there was no point anyway as she was going to get a termination and she didn't want the baby as a reminder of him for the rest of her life

so I guess that sort of confirms that she may be calling his bluff? surely if she was she'd have no problem proving it?

but at the same time we still don't know for sure. what do you think? as the baby's father can he say he's got rights and 'demand' to be involved when she goes for the termination or something?? I'm not sure whether to just leave this now or what...

juicy btw - what an evil cow!

are you too angry to go and see her yourself?

Message withdrawn

It certainly sounds v dodgy as if it was a lie fabricated to try to get him to stick around.

However you've only got his word for this, bearing in mind he's stated that he has no interest in any possible child. He's not exactly proving himself to be trustworthy so can you trust that this is a truthful reflection of their conversation?

I remember that you said you have spoken directly to her when you first found out. Do you think it's worth confronting her on this particular issue? I'm probably way off base here (and other MNers who've had actual experience will probably be more helpful) but I wouldn't want DH to be the one passing this info on. If she is lying, I would want to have the chance to decide that myself.

Or you could just leave it bearing in mind you're taking a leap of faith (in him) if you do.

Message withdrawn

I think i would just leave it. If she wanted him to stay with her she would have def proved it to him imo so i guess it looks like it definately over. I don't think by him making demands this is going to make the situation any better for you and thats the main thing.I would concentrate on you two now and work on your relationship.

TBH i don't think he has any reason to lie to you about this. I am sure that he wants closure on this situation as much as you do.

I feel for you MLS and I think your husband has been very foolish (at best) but I think to get all heavy-handed with this girl re. a termination is going too far. It's her business what she does if there is a baby and I think the idea of marching her to the clinic is pretty repulsive, if that's the kind of thing you're thinking of. Legally-speaking your husband has no say in whether a pregnancy goes ahead or not (and rightly so IMO).

I had an ex once who got a girl pg (before he was with me) and he told me all about it; he got every member of his family to 'talk' to her about how she had to get rid of it, how she was ruining his life etc. I thought this was appalling.

FWIW I doubt there is a pregnancy but if there is, please do the right thing and leave the girl alone to deal with it how she sees fit.

To be fair Tamz i think she was thinking more along the lines of the other girl had already said she was having a termination and she was looking for some sort of confirmation whether she was pregannt or not , if that makes sense.

Edmond I'd actually love to go and see her myself. She generally works mon-fri, same hours as me, but I work over 50 miles away from home (where dh and her work) so there's no possible way I could really go and see her.

(I managed to confront her on saturday as I only found out due to my suspicions when dh dissappeared for 2 hours to take her to work, she was covering someone off sick.)

I don't really have any reason to distrust him in relation to this. Strange thing to say given all the lies. But he wants this bit out of the way as much as me and I genuinely believe he'll be happy never to see her again.

As for whether or not to let it go, I really want to, but wonder whether that constant niggle is affecting everything and affecting my ability to move on.

But maybe I should just concentrate on us instead.

I have her number so could always text or ring her to see her reaction and whether she gives the same response she gave to him. But dh has said even though he has no right to ask anything of me at this time, he'd rather I didn't get into a slanging match with her and get hurt even more.