mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Lulu hijack away Our experiences all help each other. I hope you are coping with your situation and not putting up with it whilst being totally miserable. You and your dc deserve to be happy - whether thats with or without him.
(Easier said than done I know.)

GG he's totally willing to give up the other life now and said he doesn't know what he was thinking, the grass is definitely not greener, he had no hesitation in ending it (the minute I found out) and he thought he was going to lose me. He says all he wants is our happy life back with our closeness and deep love for each other. But I don't believe it can ever be the same again.

What we do end up with may be stronger in the long run, but it will be different, and always always tainted with this nightmare.

That last sentence is exactly right mls and can you live with that. I did and have and i'm glad ! It doesn't always consume your thoughts 24/7 like it does in the beginning. I think it is admirable you are trying to see this rationally and i am in awe of you managing to keep on working !

Thanks lily

I'm trying so so hard. I know I can get through it whatever I decide. I just need these images to be gone!

You just get less overwhelmed with them and learn to deal with them better ie don't even let your mind go there as someone else said think of nice things between you two. I am wishing you lot's of luck and strength and you know him better than anyone so you will know if he is truly remorseful or not. x

MLS - I know what you mean about the ring. During our trial separation i asked my h if he would take his off and he said know. When we met at the airport when I came back I realised he'd taken it off - it was the biggest emotional shock second to finding out about the affair. To this day I've not taken mine off and won't yet. It's my symbol to myself that I was true to my vows and believed in what we had. Take one day at a time, and if you can take a weekend away somewhere with a really good rl friend. Sit, talk, cry scream - whatever you need to do. Don't ever stop talking about you feel - time is a great healer but talking about emotions is a great way of helping you heal. Thinking of you today.

MLS, hope you are doing ok (as far as you can in the circumstances). Did you get some time off work? I would just say you are sick personally, and not fill them in on any more detail, but that just depends on the sort of company you work for and the relationships you have with your bosses. However, if you don't go to work, what will you do? Is it possible that it's actually a good distraction??

Poor you re. the ring, I can see how that would be devastating. I think, as others have, that it's a completely normal reaction to have. I think it worth pointing out that for a lot of men, they just don't have the same emotions about a wedding ring that women do. I think it's rubbish, but there you go. My dh wears his sporadically, which annoys me a bit, but I never expected him to actually want one in the first place, and he was adamant that he did. He will take it off for a few days and leave it and then it goes back on, with no rhyme or reason that I can see (unless I'm very much in the dark

All I really mean is that I don't think him removing the ring has the same emotional signifance as if it had been you doing it.

You still sound like you're doing brilliantly, well done.

Really hope you are able to put this behind you were it belongs and move on forward and upwards.

Never look back at what could have been or regret anything, you have a whole new life to lead that will be full of twists and turns and experiences and challenges.

See the positives, or try to, you have a new chance given to you now. His new woman will soon be facing the heartache you are facing right now, whereas you have been cut free, you have a chance now to grasp life and live it! Leave him behind where he belongs and you go out there and live your life!

mylittlestar - Gosh, I've just read this thread and I want to send you a big (((hug))). You sound like a wonderful wife and a really lovely person - what an idiot your DH is to put all that at risk. I can't believe how understanding you are being of him, and your empathy for the baby (if there in fact is one - I doubt it tbh) is so kind and selfless. For what it's worth, I think a marriage is worth working at and if I was in this situation I would work very hard at understanding and forgiving my DH - I think it would take a long time, with a lot of ups and downs, but I would hope I would get there in the end. You must make him work very hard indeed though and make him realise just how serious this betrayal is.

I know this is not at all on a par, but I thought I would share it anyway - my DH had a dalliance with another girl not long after we got engaged (though they never slept together). It was awful, and I was heartbroken. He insisted it was a mistake and that he would never behave like that ever again. Eight years later, he hasn't, and I'm actually glad that it happened as it scared the life out of him, and it also made me realise how much I loved him, and that I was right to be marrying him if I was prepared to forgive his mistake. Hopefully your DH will learn a lot from this, and think very carefully before getting himself into any potential situations in future where he could hurt you and your marriage.

Good luck and take good care of yourself (and your son) xxxxx

"He says all he wants is our happy life back with our closeness and deep love for each other."

Well he cant get that back can he, it will always be different you are different people now, you certainly view HIM differently. That doesnt mean that if you decide to continue with the marriage that it wouldnt grow to be better than before. Im sure we ALL think whistfully of variety in our love lives (or is it just me) but im afraid fidelity comes with the territory!

have read this thread & my heart goes out to you

I was in your situation 18 mths ago. Finally found proof he was having an affair. He told me Id ruined everything by finding out as he was going to finish it that weekend ....then he was so nice to me & attentive....for about 4 weeks....we went abroad for a week & everything was hunky dorey (although I had to do a little acting & crying in private)...then he went to work, stayed away a night & 2 weeks later he moved out....str in with her

I agree with everyone who has said it needs to be his choice AFTER you have decided to try again....keeping tabs on him/insisting on things - these really need to come from him

its so hard but it is possible to have a new future even though its not the one you thought you would have

similarly I believe you can get over an affair - quite a few on here who have done

threads like these make me so

mylittlestar... sorry I disappeared and never answered your question about the hypnotism. I was at work on the computer and got busy.

The answer is No.. I don't think I would have got over it so well without the hypnotism. It's a long time ago now, but I can still remember some of the techniques I was taught.

Me and my ex are now on friendly terms and I can even picture him and his flingette shagging without so much as a twinge of pain to my heart.

Morning everyone

Thanks for the ongoing support, I'm truly overwhelmed and so comforted by you all. I feel blessed to have known that I could come here for support.

I'm sticking to the idea of letting as few people as possible in RL know, because it's my decision whether or not to forgive and stay with him, and if we manage to make things work, I don't want a cloud hanging over us forever, or people feeling they have a right to judge and hate him. That won't help me in any way.

As well as the relationship counselling I have decided to see an individual counsellor to help me come to terms with the betrayal and see if there's any way I can stop torturing myself with the images and put it behind me. I hoped the sickness and knot in my stomach would have at least started to fade a little, but it really hasn't. Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself.

lilybubble, ali, thanks for the advice about the ring. I think it helps if I think of it in that way, like it doesn't have the same emotional significance to him. I think it still feels like the one thing I will find most difficult to forgive.

Thank you all for the positive thoughts that you can get over an affair. This morning I feel that I still want to do everything I can to save the marriage, I'm just at a point where I don't quite know how to do it. At this very moment my brain won't let me do it. I'm not sure if it's fully even sunk in yet.
But maybe like you all say it just needs some time.

On the positive side I had a really good sleep and ds was a little angel all night

Hey, it's only been a few days since you found out. You'd be a strange emotionless creature if you could put it behind yourself that quickly. Of course it will start to be less painful soon, but not quite this soon.

Glad you had a good night's sleep - makes all the difference doesn't it? Well done on deciding to see your own counsellor - it must be sinking in that we all think that it's YOU that needs help to get over things and you should come first!

We're all thinking of you today so keep posting whenever you need support xx

Morning MLS. You sound a little better this am. Counselling a good idea it def helped. But imo i found it difficult also, as they didn't really address the affair so much as the reasons why it happened and i found it quite hard to accept my share of responsibility at that time when i was so bloody angry with him. Agree on telling as little people as possible as it hard enough as it is trying to get back on track. I just told couple of close friends however his brother found out and decided to blab to his family and it was awful. His mum said she was glad she knew but i still hate the fact that they know. Good luck in working it through you can come out of this stronger than before and much more honest with each other.

MLS, I've emailed you.......

big hugs.

I have said it before and I will say it again - you are truly amazing!!

And if you ever decide to write a "what to do when..." book, i will be the first to buy it!

I wish I had a friend like you, you speak so wisely and with so much sense.

I wish you all the love and luck in the world

Message withdrawn

MLS I think you are being hard on yourself if you are expecting to feel better about it so soon - it will take a lot longer but it gradually lessens.

Thanks Dior. I shall speak to the counsellor about it.

If that's the recommendation I would think the relationship counselling will have to be put on hold for a little while whilst I get myself through this phase. I'm not sure I can work on the relationship until I stop blaming myself, hating him, thinking of every little thing he did with her etc etc.

Ifonlyhewould -
I think a book would be a fantasic idea! If I cen get through this anyone can!

Annie, thanks. And lily, I understand what you mean. But we addressed all those issues when we separated and I had to come to terms with my responsibility/part to play in his unhappiness and realise that both of us were responsible for the relationship struggling.
I'm not sure I would have to go through that bit again as at the time of the affair, we were getting on better than ever, having counselling, he was getting the attention/sex etc that had perhaps been lacking since ds. I feel that the affair was fully a reflection of him, his state of mind, and his selfishness. I hope I'm right in thinking that way.
Perhaps I have a big lesson to learn here.

Cashncarry I'll take you upon that offer

Paddlechick, off to check email now xx

GG I hope so. I think I just want someone to magically stop the pain now.

MLS. Was n't on much yesterday. HAve not read yesterday's additions on here, but will later. Just wanted to say hi and {{{{{HUGS}}}}} and the pain will dull eventually. Can you go to your counselling alone for a while. I think it'll help you gain perspective and would be very helpful. Then when you feel ready he can come back and start on you rprobs with him.
Baby steps.

One day you will get to lunch time and suddenly realise you havent thought about it - but not YET im afraid.

BOM thanks. I know. I have to keep remembering that - I shall make it my mantra from now on!

GG I was proud of myself last night as I bathed ds and we splashed and played and laughed and generally wrecked the bathroom and I didn't think about it the whole time - about 20 mins! So I understand what you're saying. Thanks xx

Chin up MLS. You'll get thru it, and be stronger at the other end!!!
We're here for you whenever you need us. I am usually in tea shop and bar most days I'm ashamed to admit