mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Don't think MLS even implied that she had any intention of marching her to the termination clinic

If anything, her attitude to the potential child has been nothing but caring. She's simply asking what rights her DH would have if this girl were to want to have a termination. Perfectly reasonable question IMO

I think she has a right to know whether or not she's actually pregnant as well but I guess that's up to MLS whether she wishes to pursue it.

Please try to remember what the OP is about and be sensitive to her situation. She doesn't need to be upset anymore than she already is.

Lily you're completely right.

Tamz I would never dream of marching a girl to a clinic to have an abortion

It was more about if she was going to do it, could we have confirmation that she had done it and won't turn up on our doorstep in 9 months with a baby!

FWIW if I spoke to her and she genuinely was pregnant I actually wouldn't want her to have a termination. Fully my own view and opinion. But I wouldn't want her to.
As I've said, it wouldn't be the childs' fault that it had selfish thoughtless parents.

cashncarry, lily - thanks

hate to think I came across that way to Tamz

MLS i think he's right. If she is having a termination she won't want you involved and if she keeps it she may not want him involved and only after the baby is born can you begin to sort that out. And all this could be lies anyway. I think when something like this happens you loose all your sense of being in control of anything and there could be a danger of you focusing too much on this rather than your relationship in an attempt to reestablish control over your life. I wouldn't contact her or give her the satisfaction of seeing how hurt you are by all this as if she is lying it will play right into her hands.

lilyloo I think you're probably right. Perhaps I'll just have to block it out, focus on us, and deal with the baby side if it actually happens. I guess in a few months she'll either have a bump or not - so don't necessarily need to wait 9 months to find out iyswim.

Sorry MLS - didn't mean to speak on your behalf

Re: trusting your DH, if you feel he is telling the truth then go with your gut definitely. Your DH's advice not to get caught up in any slanging matches actually sounds quite sensible

No apology necessary, so glad you could see I didn't mean to sound like a selfish bit**!
Thank you

Honestly "selfish bi*" are the last words that could be used to describe you.

Without sounding too schmultzy I think the only impression any sensible person would have of you after reading this thread alone is one of a extremely dignified caring person who's been caught up in a terrible situation.

Keep your pecker up, won't you

Agree cnc. you are coping remarkably well

Thanks guys. I wouldn't even be out of bed I don't think if I didn't have a good reason to get into work... i.e. to switch my computer on and see all your advice and support!

My best friend just texted me to say chin up and she's so proud of the way I'm coping with everything and she doesn't know where I get the strength. I was tempted to reply and say Mumsnet!

No no no - the strength comes from you, silly!

MN just provides the space for ranting purposes

Agree MLS your worlds fallen apart yet everyones just going about their daily life it's kinda weird isn't it. Wish i had been coming on here at the time as it's very isolating when you can't really talk about it.

Agree Lilyloo it sounds like you went through something very similar? Is everything ok for you now?

It's strange that life does have to carry on even when inside you feel like everything has completely fallen apart.

Within a few hours of me finding out and confronting her on saturday I was doing a food shop with my ds and buying mother's day presents like I didn't have a care in the world because I knew the world wouldn't stop just for me!

btw I'm not superwoman! Sunday I fell apart, left ds with grandma for a few hours and sobbed my heart out lying in bed!

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thank you - I needed that!

like the name btw!

Everything as good as it can be now thanks mls. I just had to post on here with a positive story of making it work after the event.

hi guys

just thinking about it all on the (long) drive home from work.

have decided to leave the pregnancy thing and the ow. I just thought, if she is pregnant, she's 19 years old, facing a possible termination, or facing a life as a single mum.

she swore she was on the pill, but if she lied to get pregnant on purpose then rather than hate her for doing that (lets face it she probably thought she had him for life after hearing his lines), I guess I need to find the compassion to realise that either of the options above are truly horrendous and she has enough on her plate.

similarly, if she's lying about being pregnant, then she's not worth me wasting another second of my time on thinking about her.

if she's pregnant, if she keeps it, then dh will have to deal with it like a responsible adult and i'll support him.

if she's not then it's all over.

going to start thinking of me and ds only now! that's what matters.

(feel better for coming to terms will all of that in my head.)

wow! MLS you have reached new heights - driving and posting on MN !

seriously tho, you really are an amazing person. this thread has been immensley useful to me as you know.

your attitude to the possibility of another child has made me stop and think.........

you're handling this with so much dignity and you're an inspiration to me.

hope you have a nice evening and you're able to get a good sleep.

hugs
x

MLS, not posted but have been following. I want to say that you are a star! You are going through a hell time but seem so level headed (maybe all the MN's advice you havebeen give). you truely love you hutsband and seem to want to make things work and support him whatever OW does.
I hope he realises what a wonderful women you are and that he is truely sorry for his errors and does not go down that path again. Hopefully he will have learnt a great lesson (not that it was something you would want and has been a hard time) but hopefully you can get your lives together and move on.

Lots of good wishes to you

Message withdrawn

Hi Dior, thanks . Been thinking about you too. Paddlechick - you've helped me lots too. You'll have to let me know how yesterday went...

jenwa, thanks so much. your post just made me cry. I really do love him and I really do want to try, but I just don't know anymore if I can do it.

I'm wondering whether to accept defeat. It's just too hard....

The images of them are bad, and things like him taking his wedding ring off hurt so much, but I think that may fade over time.

The one thing I'm not sure will fade is the 'what if's'. I lay awake last night thinking about this.

I found out everything on Saturday just gone. I now know that in that week he'd been to her house on the tuesday and to bed with her. Had dinner with me fri evening, left me to sort out ds who was being a nightmare, and went up to the pub with her. Then came back to me. Then left me in bed to go and take her to work on sat morning.

I just can't help thinking that this was an affair that wasn't about to end.

I was giving him 100% support, lots of space, the ability to come back to me as and when he wanted. Why would he have chosen to give it up when he had everything? The excitement and the marriage.

He is now saying the whole affair was frought, he was constantly on edge and hating the deceit, and it was making his depression worse. He said the shock of nearly losing me is what brought him to his senses and hearing me say I didn't think we had a future the other night made him realise just what he's been putting me through.

What if I'd never found out though? What if he'd never experienced the feelings he put me through - would he have taken the pi** out of me for the rest of our lives? If he'd got away with it he'd have never understood the feeling of being told by the one person you love most in the world, 'I don't think we have a future'. He said that to me many many times.

Should I ignore the what if's? Is there a point going over them?

Perhaps I should think it a good thing that this all happened as it's brought us back together?

I really feel for you MSL, i really do.

You have shown amazing strength and a great capacity to forgive your DH. You have been nothing but loving, loyal and understanding.

I know it's easier said than done but, try not to 'rush' all these feelings you are having out of the way. You have had a massive shock and it's going to take time to accept and recover from it.

Give yourself a massive pat on the back for everything you have achieved so far. Having followed your post I am certain that you, more than anyone i know, will come out of all this with the result you want.

I was wondering though, while you are working your way through all this, how is your DH behaving? Is he grovelling? Apologetic? Is he lying awake at night too? Is he treating you with the love and respect you so deserve?

Big Hugs XX

thanks Ifonlyhewould - that really helps. thank you.

dh is doing whatever he can really. he's grovelling, asking what he can do, telling me that he expects nothing from me and I can shout, cry, scream and he will do whatever it takes to put things right. he's giving me space, but checking if I want him to be there too.
he's also trying to hug and comfort me but he's awkward and knows he can't really be tactile with me - I don't think he thinks he has the right to be.

but I'd love nothing more than a big hug to be honest!

MLS - it's so hard for you considering how fresh all this is. It was only last week - don't beat yourself up about doing the "what ifs" - you wouldn't be normal if you weren't thinking like that.

Having said that, it sounds like you're stretching the "what if" far into the future and imagining what would have happened between the two of them if you hadn't found out. Maybe balance a negative with a positive - he could have ended it himself. He could have realised the error of his ways. He might have even confessed to you what had happened.

I know I've been of the "kick his arse" brigade thus far so this advice might look a little two-faced! However, it's about what's helpful and constructive for you. If you're going to consider the worst possible outcome, you also need to consider the best possible outcome - I think you need to do this at the moment until you feel you are able to come to a decision about your future with him.

I can't help feeling that you need more advice from people who've been through and come out the other side. It seems that (for the moment anyway) you want to try to work things out and you need to hear positive stories from those couples where one has had that moment of madness but years later they're still together and going strong.

Lilyloo's experience is a prime example - she knows almost exactly what you're going through. I think you need more of that - to keep your spirits up if nothing else!

Doesn't mean I won't keep posting just because I haven't a clue what I'm talking about (no change there then!!). Plus I still want to kick his arse