mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

You were always good at the rship advice - check out ernest's post below with your advice copy and pasted

It is hard - we talk loads but there's always that nagging suspicion in the back of my mind that he's hiding something - I dunno, call it women's intuition or whatever...

Re: your DH's remorse, I think it's neither here nor there. If you are going to make it work (which is entirely your choice) it's going to take more than words. Have you seen posts by maturer and overdraft - they've been through what you're going through and come out the other side.

It sounds like it takes an awful lot of hard work on both parts - yours to trust and his to try to regain that trust. But it does give hope that it can be done - just don't take any sh*t in the meantime!

Hey rhubarb no offence taken. I only have to read the thread to see the point and I truly wouldn't have expected you to see this or even if you had, you can post whatever you want! Honestly it's fine.

I'm so so touched that people would think of me though and I don't think VVV was being in any way judgemental she just has been helping me so much and it's nice to know she really cares and was just a bit worried about me. It's a positive thing really. Shows how much MNers actually help because they genuinely care and want to help. So it's made me feel better tbh!

Glad to hear it!

Ignore rhubarb, she's a big northern lezzer

God, MIS, don't have anything to add to all the wonderful; advce on here, but just read this though ... and had to say, if anyone, anyone can come through this, it'll be you. You sound increadibly grounded, self-aware, thoughtful and capable of great empathy and kindness in an impossible situation. I am in awe of how rationally and sensitively you are reacting. (The ring thing is totally rational, as others have said)
Sadly, I'm not sure I would credit your h with the same values.
For me, that would be a thing to think now. Not just can you rebuild, but can you rebuild with him, his personality, capacities & abilities.
Tbh, I wouldn't be all that trusting of his opinion of whether or not she's pg at this stage.

Good luck love - hope you can get a break to do lovely stuff with your ds.

MLS (hugs)
I think getting her to take a pregnancy test is a good idea, also getting STI test done asap.
I know you are hurt and want to be angry with this girl, but if he told her he was separated then she really is less to blame then him.

MLS you say its been going on 6 - 8 weeks, how long have you been separated?

Hiya Mylittlestar - we chatted on mid life crisis thread - know exactly how you are feeling and think you should do what you need to do. When I discoverd my DP was having an affair from his phone I didnt confront him but she threatened to tell me so he did instead - swore time and time again that it was me he wanted not her but here we are 3 years down the line and I know he is still seeing her and also others!! I have put up with it for what may sound so very strange to a lot of you "a quiet life". The preganncy thing may just be a bullsh.. so dont stress too much about that althoug that is easier said than done - I know went through a similar thing myself.

If you really beleive your relationship can work and you really love him still go for it girl you only get one life but its very very hard to build the trust but I am sure it can be done - not sadly in my case my dp has just gone from bad to worse in fact

I wish you all the luck in the world - you will be OK us women are strong and we need to keep on going for the little ones

Lulu, no critism meant here, but arent you concerned that in tolerating your DH behaviour you are giving your children the wrong example of how a marriage should work?

Im not saying you should NEVER forgive a spouse for an affair but if they continue to disrespect you then I just feel I would start to despise them.

The mental images that run through your head are shite aren't they? With my ex, I picked and picked at him to tell me all the gorey details. I couldn't help myself. When I look back I must have looked a right loon asking things like 'did her knickers match her bra?' and 'was her skin soft', did she come and how many times, did you do to her what you do to me? on and on and on I went. I think I even asked what positions they had sex in.

It was good in the long run though. I had hypnotism to cast it all out of my mind. It was incredibly successful, mainly because, I think, I had such clear images to work with.

Good luck for your future. You seem a strong person.

GG he left me end of November/start of Dec last year, so only a few months. But at that time he said he didn't feel the same anymore and needed space. It's only the last 6-8 weeks that he's started saying he loves me again and we've started sleeping together, he's been staying overnight agin, we've been making plans for the future...??

Kimi I fully blame him now. She had no idea and was completely taken in. Hate her for her attitude to me, and the fact she may have got deliberately pregnant, but I don't think she's to blame for the 'affair'. He did the chasing and spun the lines. She had no reason to say no.

Lulu I agree, it will be so so difficult to rebuild the trust. That's why I can only do it if I truly believe he'll never do it to me again. I don't believe that yet. If we get back together, I swear that I will never put up with any bullsh** again.

themoon66 that's exactly what I'm doing. Why am I doing it? Do you think that you could have got over it without the hypnosis?

Yes Grumpgirl you are completely right but I have never know how a marriage is supposed to work neither has my dp

Lulu you do sound like you've put up with a hell of a lot. You've been amazing forgiving him once - you shouldn't have to do it again? Do you think you and the dc would be happier without him?

My heart goes out to you MLS but if you and him want to get through this you can. All your reactions now are normal but it is like when someone dies, in this instance part of your relationship, time is a great healer however it takes great effort from both of you as you will come to take on some responsibility for the situation also. Two happy people don't have affairs ime you can come out stronger but it always remains a part of your life and only you can know whether you can live with that or not.

Lulu I guess if neither of you have been brought up to know how a marriage should work then I suppose it must make it difficult. There is no SHOULD really its just what works for YOU but I think as a very minimum if your other half knows something makes you unhappy then he shouldnt do it...if he continues then personally id say "theres the door"

MLS it is easy to blame the OW but like you say he did the running...nothing excuses her attitude to you though. I would never have been interested in a married man (a few have expressed interest in me & been sent on their way) if I had found out a "single" man I was seeing was married then he would have been dumped immediately, no matter how 'nice' I believed he was, because he obviously wasnt if he could be that deceptive.

Just re read my post and didn't want oyu to think i meant you are responsible in any way. Sorry just meant responsibilty to tell him you were unhappy with the situation of him doing as he pleased if that made sense. (God this is where it's much harder than talking to someone in rl)

MLS - the improvement in your relationship coincided with the start of the other one does he have an explanation for that?

Lulu your situation sounds terrible. Surely your dp knows his behaviour isn't acceptable within a marriage though?

Would guess Grumpy Girl it comes down to guilt ?

GG you're right about her. And his explanation re things getting better between us, lily it partly could be guilt yes.

Although having said that, we turned a corner after a spcific counselling session, went home, had a wonderful night together, started making plans. Then 2 days later I went to Spain with my ds, a pre-booked trip to visit my dad, and I decided to still go as it would do me good and dh might really miss us.

It was that week he slept with her for the first time

His explanation is that he saw it as 2 different lives. He never comapred me and her, he just had his married life with me and then the single life/being a boyfriend when he was with her. He got different things out of each one. (Security, support, comfort, regular sex with me. Excitment, showing off, ego boost, variety etc with her.) And he wanted both.

God what a selfish b!

My situation is bizarre but it has been an been ongoing over a few years and I certainly dont want to hijack MLS's post here so dont want to explain too much about our life except to say his affairs are not out in the open - I think he truly thinks that I dont have a clue - idiot that he is and myself and children see him every day and he spends weekends with us and usually a couple nights during the week. Its very a complicated sorry MLS said I didnt want to hijack your post.

Good luck

But is he willing to give up the other life now or is he hedging his bets - if not then hes wasting your life f*ing you about when you could move on & make a better life for yourself.

He could move on to his "exciting" life and two years find himself back in the dull comfortable life with someone he likes and has far less of a connection with than you. What does he think it would be like with a 19 year old with a baby, specially as he is so much older.

MLS - I hope you are OK