mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

did you get my email MLS?

paddlechick I did yes. thank you so much.
you speak a lot of sense! and i know you're all so right.

i can't let him make me feel guilty for something i haven't, and would never do.

i guess we have a lot more issues than i realised

I thik these issues are all part and parcel of the aftermath. I suppose when you first made the decision to stand by him you made a concerted effort to make evreything lovely, make him feel loved and cherished. But the 'honeymoon period' is bound to cool at some point and the issues you have managed to gloss over for a while will raise their ugly head. But i have every confidence in you. You love each other. Thats a fantastic foundation to work from

thank you

i'm off now to get ds and go home

i very much doubt i'll get on later but will catch up tomorrow

xx

hi mls,
so sorry, again, but my dad asked me to go out with him this afternoon, and we're only just back. have got your email and am going to reply shortly.
take care hon xxxxx

MLS - I've just seen this (have been off with DD today as she's still a bit poorly). I am so sorry you're having to deal with all this "backlash" but not entirely surprised

If he's put two and two together and made five from you having a few long-awaited nights out then it's definitely him trying to displace his own anxieties onto you. You've done nothing wrong by going out and enjoying yourself - the fact that it's made him feel insecure is entirely down to his own betrayal. I expect he imagines what he would do in your shoes and therefore imagines the worst.

I know you must be feeling with him right now - I know I would be. I do think he's done the right thing in telling you how he feels (can't believe I'm sticking up for him!). You've obviously turned a corner in your rship in many ways and this wobble is just a symptom of that. It doesn't necessarily have to lead to anything bad - I guess that's down to him. But for your part, I think you should continue to keep the lines of communication open as you have been all along. You owe yourself that much.

I remember somewhere in the thread you mentioned something about Relate. I think today proves that perhaps some rship counselling is in order for you both. You've been through a huge ordeal and tbh I'd be amazed if you didn't need some help from a third party.

I did LOL a little at your comment about it being surreal to rely on a bunch of MNers that you don't even know Rest assured that you're not taking anything from us that you haven't given in buckets yourself and that each of us have experienced different aspects of your situation and so can offer you advice/sympathy/a shoulder accordingly. Think of it as a resource that would be wasted if you didn't draw on it when you needed it

hi lily I replied to you, thanks so much

cnc that was a lovely post. thank you. I think you're right, perhaps we do need to give the relationship counselling another shot. I thought we were doing ok but obviously we're not!

We had a bit of a chat last night but we were both pretty shattered. He's feeling really low (I think the depression is a factor here) and he said he has no right to jusge me no matter what, and everything that's happened is all completely his fault anyway...

I don't like that view point though. I'd much rather turn it into a positive and accept that the past is just that, in the past, and I'd rather now try to look at ways to move forward and ways to make the relationship better than ever.

But he thinks that perhaps the trust is that shattered now that it will affect us negatively forever.

To be honest I think I may start a new thread this morning. It's be good to hear people's opinions on whether a relationship could work with no trust.
I feel like I'd never fully trust anyone again. I've been through too much. And if dh can do this to me then anyone could. (Sad that I think this way, but it's the truth.) Therefore I'd rather be with the man I love, my soul mate, and deal with the trust issues as and when they arise. Than split up and never find anyone who I'll love half as much....

But maybe that's completely wrong and I should be looking at it all differently. I'm confusing myself now!

But I'm ok. Thanks to all of you

Hi MLS

So sorry for you - but it sounds as if he is reading from the same script as my h was. It is still such early days and it can still work but you are not getting what you need at the momenet - and he is not in a place to give it to you either.

I know you dont want to hear this but is she deffinitly over? Go with your gut feel. I ask this because thats what happened to me.

Your gut feel will not let you down but i know you dont want to trust it at the moment you dont want to trust anything.

As always the most important thing is to get what you want in the end - and again not always what you want to hear - but is this what you really want?

You are doing so well - your h sounds as though he has signs of depression - but it only becasue he has supressed his emotions.
He has been on a high for so long and now he has come down with a bump.

Go to counselling it really has helped us an awful lot.

Good luck and keep us all posted

Thanks hurtwife

My gut feel is that it definitely is over with her. I really do believe that. and I still know deep down that I want to be with dh more than anything so that's what's keeping me going.

I think I shall call the counsellor today and make an appointment...

"I'd rather be with the man I love, my soul mate, and deal with the trust issues as and when they arise. Than split up and never find anyone who I'll love half as much...."

I think you're spot on there MLS. I know loads of people say that trust is everything blah blah blah Personally I think that statement is a bit of a misnomer and quite unrealistic IMO. For every person who says they trust their partner implicitly, there's a partner who's letting that person down in some way - even a tiny harmless way, like flirting. It always seems a little arrogant to me when people say that - like they own their partners and expect to know exactly what they're doing all the time!

Your DH did betray your trust in him but there were other issues in your rship which you both needed to deal with that this whole incident served to highlight. I prefer to frame what you've been through as "baggage". Everybody's got it (DH and I have got TONS!) and you can either decide to deal with it as you've said or walk away and perhaps meet someone else and collect a whole load of new baggage!

I know I sound like a bit of a cynic and that it sounds like I'm saying you can never trust someone. I'm not - I just mean that maybe being able to trust someone isn't the crux of a rship. You love your DH and he loves you. Surely that's your starting point?

MLS even if this relationship was over i am sure you will still have trust issues in any relationship. There would be no way you could just forget this episode if you begun a new relationship. I agree still that if you love each other the trust can be re built. Unfortunately things happen in life that will affect us for ever. You can never forget about what has happened, either of you, you just have to be prepared for the long road ahead of re building it. It's good that you are still talking and that he is being so open about how he feels as it would be much easier to brush it under the carpet and pretend as though everything is fine. I feel this speaks volumes in you working together to get through this. The trust will gradually come back but unfortunately it will take a long time. Is your dh on anything for his depression ?

My centiments exactly!

At least I know what 'baggage' I'm dealing with in this relationship too! Agree that I could just get a whole lot of different baggage with someone else - and would rather be with dh than anyone else!

lily he has a prescription for ADs but he won't take them just now. he's open to the idea, but feels that he can cope without them for the moment...

How do you feel about that ?

Lily I support his decision for the moment. But I feel that I'm keeping quite a close eye on how he is, and trying to bear in mind whether it's the situation that's affecting him, or whether it could be the depression taking over.

Thinking about it I may have a talk to him about this over the weekend and see if perhaps he could use them to lift his mood, with the idea that if he feels a bit better in himself he may find everything that's going on a bit easier to cope with...

I don't understand much about depression so I don't feel like I know enough really. I understand his feelings of not wanting to rely on tablets and not knowing how they'll affect him. But if he needs them I guess there may not be much choice in the matter...

God why do men do that! My DH had anti-depressants and sleeping tablets prescribed for him once (he was going through some awful stuff with his family) and he never took them because he "wanted to see if he could do without them"

FGS - the doc wouldn't have prescribed them if you didn't need them you fool!

I never did persuade him to take them or to go to a counsellor I think that either or both would have done him the world of good - is there anyway you could "lean" on him to try?

sorry cross-posted with you saying you're supporting his decision

I think it's a good idea to see if they'll give him a lift - they certainly helped me through a really awful patch and I came off them after about 9 months. Can he maybe talk to the GP about his concerns re: side effects, dosage etc?

I think that would be a good idea MLS. Maybe IOHW might come on soon as she is taking them at the moment so she might have some advice. I think if his depression kicks in now though it might make his coping with this much more difficult and whilst he doesn't want to take them maybe they may be a help in this situation.

Hmmmmmm. You are terrified of the alternative and are looking for stories to justify your decision. So even if there were 100 negative stories to every positive one, you'd focus on the positive one.

I do actually have a positive story which proved my opinion totally wrong about someone in the past but for that I have dozens of negative ones too.

You can only go with what you feel to be right and try not to justify it one way or the other.

Forgot to add a hug as that last post seemed a little soulless x

thanks Voluptua

I always focus on the positive, I can't help it! But I do know deep down that I'm doing what I want to do, so the positive stories just give me the lift I'm needing right now!

Think I'll talk to him again about the ADs....

mls, just a very quick one.

regards ADs, took my dh ages to agree to taking them and as a result his depression got much worse.

therefore, i would advocate taking them sooner rather than later.

but be aware that the first 10 - 14 days taking them can be a tough tough time as the negative feelings tend to become much stronger whilst the seratonin levels are being boosted at this time. once the seratonin levels start to rise then things start to improve.

it can take up to 6 or even 12 weeks for the seratonin levels to return to normal.

in our experience the first 2 weeks have been very very hard. by the time dh saw his 2nd psychiatrist and was prescribed a new drug obviously things were pretty bad (no counselling for 6 months and no medication review for a year!) and it has taken a good 3 months to really start to see the benefits.

sorry, this hasn't been so quick!

definately he should take them sooner rather than later, but be prepared for his mood to take a dip before it improves.

gotta run.....

I have taken AD in the past and they do work but then so do lots of other things. When i am down now i try and increase my vitamins and eat healthly and get some exercise - it does work. Also try not to look at the big picture and look for the good in today. Keeping a journal also helps as you can see the progress over time. I am not sure if your h would be up for any of this.

The trust thing though is about trusting yourself to only stay in this realationship for as long it is good for you. I am not sure i will ever trust my h completly again and i think we are just going to have to laugh about it.

Once you trust yourself to know you will cope whatever then it is easier.

I can say that i will panic if the phone does not ring but i think what is the worst that can happen - and actually the worst has happened and i survived.

Also trust yourself to know that if your h does walk away he is the one to lose - he will be a fool to lose you - YOU ARE AMAZING- and once you know that you will trust yourself again.

Hope all this helps

Good morning ladies

MLS - i definately think the AD's would be good for DH. They will lift his mood i can promise you
I feel less sad, more able to cope and, would even go so far as to say i feel happy!! Which makes a nice change.

The trust thing. Yes, i do think a relationship can survive, can work and can be good without it. Trust is something you hope for but, as it depends on the actions of another person you can never be sure of it. To trust a person you leave yourself open to great pain!!
If i ever dare to go into another relationship I would try to go into it with no expectations, no preconceived ideas of how a relationship should be. It wouldn't just be trust I would take as and when it arose it would be everything.

Hi MLS.

Yes, def talk to him about taking the AD's. They still take about 4 weeks to work (and don't always work anyway, sometimes have to try different ones). Perhaps he is avoiding it, because to take them you are really admitting: I have this issue. Perhaps he is ashamed to admit that.

I was prescribed some AD's this week and tbh I can't wait to start and see if they will help me feel better/ more energy/ less negativity. [can't start yet, as waiting for period - may be pregnant - eeeeek!]. I am not even really depressed, as in I have bad days, but not all the time. Just want to get it early for the sake of ds. My dh has been so supportive of me, and kind and patient with me, it really helps.

One thing that helped me was another mum I met who told me about her depression and was just so matter of fact about it, it helped me not to feel so ashamed to admit I may have it. It's just an illness. If you can be matter of fact with him about it, treat it like any other illness, it may help him. And for the AD's to not be a potential miracle, but may possibly make him feel a bit better. Anything is worth a try, isn't it?

Anyway, that's my advice. What happened about the whole pregnancy thing with this girl? Was it made up?