mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Please don't apologise. You are not bringing things down you are asking for help from your friends and that is just wht you will get. We are all here for you.

MLS, maybe your DH is just having a bit of a wobble. We have to remember that he is carrying a huge amount of guilt over what he has done. He may be feeling that he now has a huge responsibility to you to put this right. It may be that he is just feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing and doesn't feel that he is capable of being what he needs to be. You have been so lovely and understanding with him maybe he is feeling that he isn't worthy of you.
After everything you have told us i don't for one minute believe DH is wanting to call it a day and walk away from you. I think maybe he is feeling that he doesn't know how he can live up to being the person you so obviously love so very much XX

do not be sorry at all hun its what we are all here for too help each other in any way we can for as long as we are wanted/needed. dh is not going to know if the trust can be regained if he doesnt try. its going to take time. as painful as it is giving up and walking away is going to be so much worse. but he does need to accept your pain and deal with it. he has to think of your ds and of all of you as a family.

Try not to get down too much i know easier said than done. Try to stay positive that he does want to stay and you will work it out.

(((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))

mls, just a quickie.

a) don't worry about bringing things down. life is full of ups and downs and you're entitled to both!

b) don't forget there's a number of other issues at play here. his depression being one plus the other issues that we've talked about in the past....

he's going to have days where he's overwhelmed by it all - as have you and will have again.

IME, we put a certain amount of pressure on ourselves to be super happy when we're reunited - regardless of what the reasons for the split were.

he is having a wobble and it must be soul destroying to think that he might walk despite all the effort you have put in to saving your relationship.

but IMO, if he does walk it's partly laziness and partly his depression. either way, it will be totally unfair to you after all your hard work.

btw, don't let him turn the tables.....

big hugs mate

shit. he's going to e-mail me. said via text it will give me the chance to 'get my head around things' before we see each other later.

i think i'm going to be sick.

i can't believe i'm posting here while i'm going through this. relying on so many people i don't even know. this is so surreal

we will all be here for you regardless. as others have said he might just be having a wobble. the reality of what his done might only just be setting in.

dont panic until you read his email. he might just be saying what he feels he cant say in person. sometimes text/email is easier to express.

im in and out of office at very short intervals. let me know your ok x

OMG MLS just got on and catching up what's happened ? I thought you were out last night ?

Stay calm and stay strong. You can cope with this.
We are all rooting for you.

Ive just joined that CAT thing, whatever it is, for those who wish to CAT me. Feel like one of the gang now

Also agree with paddlechick, especially the don't let him turn the tables bit. especially that bit!! xx

whats cat?

As Melminx said the email thing is just sometimes easier than saying things face to face, i hope it's just overwhelmed him and he having an off day, keeping my fingers crossed for you let us know how you get on.

Melminx - CAT is that email thing, you can mail a mumsnetter privately, without having to divulge your email address on the forum. I wouldnt want to end up getting hate email

i was out last night. with work. it was that that set things off as he got paranoid and put 2 and 2 together and made 5. i think he thinks i'll perhaps want to get him back in some way.
i'd never do that to him. never.
but it's really messed up now. the whole trust issue has got so out of hand. i wonder if he thinks that if he can do it then there's no reason that i couldn't.

still waiting for e-mail. will let you know i'm ok xx

Right i see. What was different about last night though as you have had nights out and been away since this happened ? Has it all just got too much do you think ?

This is usually what happens. Im no expert but i do watch jeremy kyle the one who has done the cheating can become more paranoid than the one who has been cheated on. He may also be that scared he is going to lose you, that you will 'return the favour' so to speak, that he would rather push you away than risk the pain of it.

Don't worry MLS. This is just another challenge that has been sent your way. God thought you had dealt with all the other stuff far too well so he has thrown this in to challenge you further You will get through this.

I'm just waiting for his email!!!!!

Message withdrawn

MLS in some ways this is more about something he has to deal with rather than you. You can in no way deal with his guilt which he is turning round on you. You can only tell him that your principles of the relationship remain the same as they always have regardless of what he has done. Unfortunately this is something he has to deal with. Why do you think that your the 'idiot' ?

I'm ok.

His e-mail was about things that I've done in the last few weeks, like going off to London at a moments notice, going out last night - I think he's unnerved that I could do the same as him and actually thinks I might.

This has upset me no end because if he thinks I could actually do that to him he doesn't know me at all.

It's quite nice to be chatted up, to get a confidence boost from going out and not feeling like a frumpy mummy! But that's as far as it goes. Full stop.

I think this is bringing out major issues and insecurities for him now.

I don't know if I have the strength to get him through this as well as myself.

I'll do my best though.

We're living back together now so will just meet at home after work and talk.

Thanks everyone. You're fantastic xx

Mmmm. Even I am beginning to lose patience with him! He is feeling insecure now because you are getting out and about. Meanwhile, you are working bloody hard not to be insecure when he goes out.
I'm afraid that he is going to have to take a leaf out of your book and have faith in you and in your relationship.

Don't you dare bow down to his emotional blackmail. You have come a long way these past few weeks. Your DH, with his selfish actions has himself brought about these changes in you. You are asserting your independence and he is feeling threatened by it. But from where i am sitting he has inadvertantly done you a favour. You are in a better personal place now and he won't ever be able to hurt you like he has hurt you in the past.

You just make sure you stay strong. Just keep reminding yourself, he is not the victim in all this. You are not playing the victim so don't you go allowing him to do that either!!
Or i will be cross

it could be just that that he is scared you will get him back. my dh has been through same thing. think thats why he turned to a female as a friend. But his had his nights out did he not think that you might be going nuts at home?

Im sure you guys will be ok tonight.He just needs to accept your not the kind of person to do that to him which im sure he knows already just his own guilt playing with his head.

I think it could have made him realise that you could quite easily find / meet someone else and he has now realised that he does want you and this is making him feel insecure. He will have seen all the reasons he fell in love with you over the past few weeks and maybe he knows that he could loose you and someone else would be lucky enough to treat you right. You can only tell him that you stand by the fact that cheating was and still isn't an option for you but that he has to work this out himself. Also enjoy the fact (i know it is hard) that he now realises how special you are and still have the nights out you have given him no reson not too.

But don't you dare let him make you feel guilty for going out and anjoying the company of your friends.

Remember Friday night? How insecure you were feeling. You didn't make him suffer for it, you jst sunk your nose in a bottle of wine Buy him a keg of the stuff!!

thank you

it makes me that when he goes out, like last friday, and i had a 'wobble' i texted him to say i loved him and was going to keep the bed warm for when he got in.... lol

then i go out and get accused of looking to cheat! seriously, after everything he's done, i still love him and know he's a good person deep down. i'm sure we can be happy.
i missed him like crazy last night. that's what's making me so

x posts iohw
exactly! i'm off to buy the wine!

Make sure you remind him of Friday, also of WHY he is feeling like this then in no uncertain terms tell him he will have to deal with this and learn to live with it just as you have had to !

You will get through this. You have done amazingly well so far. But i would just hate you to be the one 'giving' all the time in an effort to keep your relationship together. DH cannot put you in a little box just to make himself feel better. He is taking his insecurities out on you, he is 'projecting'. This is a problem for him to deal with, not for you to give up your nights out just so he feels better.
Think i'm rambling, am i making sense?

Oh, its just that even though i don't know you i feel as though i do know you and i think you might go home feeling all sorry for upsetting him and agree not to ever go out again without him. I'm afraid you may even agree to being tagged so he knows where you are all the time!! Only DH can deal with his insecurities, just as you are having to deal with yours!! xx