mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Maybe i should reduce the dose?

You guys are brilliant!

ifonlyhewould you just made me cry... twice...

(in a good way though!)

this:

"But I would also keep him on his toes you have the upper hand now MLS. You are not grateful that he chose you over fluff, you are going to make him grateful that you chose saving your marriage over pride xx "

then this:

"Its the men who are weak, insecure blobs who find their escape in booze, gambling, abuse or other women, rather than face up to their feelings or any problems they may be having. It's us women who pick up the pieces!! that makes us incredible "

I needed to read that today. Outside I'm calm and collected and getting on with things, but inside I'm a complete wreck and still in so much pain. It's getting better though. And sentiments like that are just what I need! Thank you so much.

oh.... and I definitely want some of what you're having!!

oh no - don't do that. That dosage sounds like it's just the ticket!

Seriously, I think I feel like a wuss because of the constant neediness. However I am apparently behaving the opposite! DH thinks I've become very cynical and hard-nosed about him since this whole thing kicked off...

Bless you

Remember - you are not a victim. You have made a choice, that make you a survivor in progress (like me)
When we ahve been promoted to survivor we will meet for that drink!

Boy! Aiming high now! On a roll

"You chose saving your marriage over your pride"

I like that phrase too MLS - it speaks volumes doesn't it?

Ifonlyhewould - you're my hero!

In a way, although we are experiencing different things we are all suffering the same inside, neediness, etc, feeling like a wreck on the inside but putting on a brave face to the outside world. Thats strength girls!! That takes some doing! I think so anyway x

gosh, thank you cashncarry xx

Something else cashncarry, you say your DH says you have become hard and cynical. Don't you just hate it sometimes, what these men have turned us into. Ive become a miserable, whining, needy person, begging for love and affection. I so dislike the person i have become.

Jokes aside, I am seriously impressed with both of you!

You're not miserable and whining at all

Think I might have found another arse to kick not yours - his, I hasten to add!

I might pop over to your thread now and start some "kick arse" posts....

And i'm pondering whether i ought to go for walk before i collect dd from school, try to work off some of the effects of these AD's. I don't want to be feeling too brave when he gets home!!
me thinks i should have had some food today. AD's and empty stomach not a very good combination. I feel as high as a kite! Its quite nice though

Hi mls, sorry not been around for a while. How are you doing? x

I too need to get some work done!

I am also an IOHW groupie!

Just wanted to add though...

Cashncarry that says so much about your strength - that you see yourself as needy or weak and he sees you as the total opposite. It shows how well you really are coping, even if inside it's just so difficult.

But then you have us to help with those inner feelings and all the things you wouldn't like to talk about or admit in RL.

Your training and his long hours must be so difficult. I really do feel for you. Also completely understand that feeling of not wanting to 'talk' or mention serious/relationship things for fear of annoying him and ruining the evening.

But one thing I'm learning through this is that if I don't speak up when I need to, it will all just come flooding out in other ways (stress, tiredness, irritable etc) so I'm trying to just blurt out whatever comes into my head, and thinking that the impending discussion can't be any worse than tormenting myself with the thoughts!

The last few days dh and I are living together again and although it's far from normal, once ds is in bed in the evenings we've tried to make the time about us. Has resulted in a few tears and lengthy discussions!
But also we had one eve where we sat and watched about 6 episodes of our favourite sitcom, finished off a bottle of wine and loads of chocolates, and just laughed! One eve we had a big bubble bath, loads of candles and chatted about the future and me getting a new job.
One eve we got all our old holiday photos out and just couldn't stop laughing at all the memories! Same with tiny baby pictures of ds!
I know money is a major obstacle for most of us, so I decided to start thinking smaller scale - but along the lines of 'anything is better than eating dinner off a tray in front of the tv, then disappearing off our separate ways to the pc, to do the washing etc etc'! And it's so nice to do things with him and enjoy each other's company again.

I know I'm waffling but the little things really do help, if even one tiny bit of what I say helps you in any way then that makes me happy

Ifonlyhewould now I know you're high as a kite too I definitely want some of those!!

Hi lilybubble. I'm doing ok thanks. I'm finding sto much strength from the posts on here and he ability to laugh (and cry!) at what everyone is saying seems to be getting me through the day.

I'm ok whilst I don't think about things too much! The minute I let the thoughts back in my stomach turns to knots again and it's difficult.

But dh is making a massive effort and we're really trying hard to do nice things together and I can see things getting gradually easier by the day.

Thanks for asking

You are not waffling at all MLS, you are showing us all that there is light at the end of a long dark tunnel. We just have to have the courage to go for what we belive in. I am so happy that things are heading in the right direction for you. You are wonderful!!
But also please remember to be as kind and forgiving to yourself as your are to DH. You have done so well to come this far but you are bound to have downs as well as ups. But remember, if it wasn't for the down's you wouldn't appreciate the up's as much XX

MLS, that's great that you are doing all those lovely things with dh - sounds like a perfect way to remember all those good times you've had and really connect with each other once again.

I've caught up with posts, and am absolutely shocked that that little madam sent you that text message! Talk about a cheek.......

I so agree with this, that ifonlyhewould wrote:
"Its the men who are weak, insecure blobs who find their escape in booze, gambling, abuse or other women, rather than face up to their feelings or any problems they may be having. It's us women who pick up the pieces!! that makes us incredible "

It's so true, and just sad too that we have to be the stronger ones really. I'd like to be able to run away and hide from it all sometimes!

I know what you mean about the text message Thankfully she's not sent anything in the last day or so.

I think there's a few of us on here who'd like to run away from it all at the moment isn't there!
Lets do it!

Sounds good to me!! Somewhere warm........ (it's freezing here today!)

you amazing women you read your messages again despite everything your sense of humours are the bll*ks you made me giggle. these men are complete twat faced undeserving knobhead jerks!! phew exhausted meself there! your clever and funny and obviously great to be around and they should be eternally grateful someone as fantastic as you should allow them to breathe the same air let alone grace them with your love. On your knees men and worship!

hear hear!!

melminx!!!

girlpower!

You're not waffling at all MLS - and FGS stop making me cry

Am very of your bubble bath - it sounds great and I'm so glad he's still making the effort - long may it continue!

blimey - I'm behind!

must stop typing slowly

Wow go girls just rofl at some of your comments. Sorry i missed it but had to get on with some work. Thanks for the let off r/e comments girls but it was completely out of character for me.To reread these threads it's such an epitamy of how this situation is. It's an emotiopnal rollercoaster and we have chosen to stay for the ride. With the laughter comes the sadness. IOHW some of your comments are fantastic. I for one think every single person who goes through this will come out of it a very different person but one thing they will all share is that they have found an inner strength that they didn't know existed and that will never go away.Suppose we all part of that club now definately not