mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Yes that makes sense!

And part of me is now also thinking I don't particularly want things to go back to 'normal'. As in, I'm thinking that the previous 'normal' led to him being unhappy, perhaps to the depression (I know there were many factors involved) but anyway, I'd like us to find a new normal iyswim! So it becomes the norm to never take each other for granted, to always think of each other, to miss each other if we're out with our friends, that sort of thing!

Hopefully things can be even better in the long run as at least we've learnt from all this what not to do in the future!

Agree MLS (raises a glass) to the new normal !
Fwiw thats where we are now and theres that element of doubt that creeps in, 'is this too normal' but then i feel we both have a responsibility to check back in with each other. We try to do this as i feel that this was the reason that the affair happened in the first place, we just forgot to think about one another. If thats what it has taken to learn then it has been a bloody hard lesson but if it means a much better future was it for a reason ?

Totally agree. Still so raw for me and the anger that it may have taken this to make us appreciate what we had is still so difficult to bear.

But then I can't change what's happened can I, so if the good thing to come is a happy fulfilled future together then we have to stay focussed on that.

I think you have done fantastically to come to terms with this in such a short period of time. I am almost a year down the line so there obviously a huge difference there. Have a nice day hope the sunshine makes you feel better.

MLS have you had chance to catch up with Ernest thread too. You both seem to be at similair stage in events and she had some good advice posted on there bar the one or two insensitive ones.

mls just read all messages wow my heart goes out to you as just been through same thing. me and dh have had another row and his not here at mo. how do you cope when his not there? i constantly imagine his with other women.and i cant deal with it you are amazing the way you are x

melminx I'm not saying it's not difficult - it certainly is! I'm not sure how I'm coping - a mixture of blocking it out. Also trying to make myself trust him as I feel that is the only way we'll ever move on from this anyway. But also I've explained that I need lots of reassurance etc and am keeping in touch by text and e-mail every now and again, just seeing how he is, saying I love him, making some nice plans for the weekend, whatever it might be. But that regular contact makes me feel he's thinking of me and makes me feel better.

To be honest though I'm also at a stage where if I find out he's seen or contacted her one more time he knows I will go absolutely mad! I just can't take any more! So even when she texts him now he saves the texts (doesn't respond) then shows me. Again it's reassuring.

Another thing is that she also has my mobile number, so if she met him would quite possibly text me to try to wind me up (which she's done in the past few days - e.g. texted me saying "do you know where your husband is right now?!" and at the time he was sat right next to me!! cow!)
So I think he knows that if he crosses that line one more time, and goes behind my back in any way, there will be serious consequences as I really can't cope with one more thing!

(sorry not sure if that's too helpful - it's just the way I'm coping. is your dh going out of his way to reassure you? have you contacted the other women? have you heard him tell her it's over? you can get there I promise xx)

LilyLoo yes managing to keep up with ernest too - it's really good to see all the useful advice and ernest is also an inspiration to me!

Good just saw you on there. It's amazing how many people have been through this / going through it isn't it. Thats how these threads can be a godsend. How you been today? Can't believe she sent you that message. What a madam.

mls its like deja vue! she has had my number i've had the texts and the im pregnant speech. i know in my head its a stupid twat trying to get her own back because she didnt get what she wants. im told you can get to the point of laughing at it! We'll see on that one! She wasnt pregnant and could never had children ( no ovaries) but for a second it hurt the thought of someone else having his children. the way you were willing to accept the " baby " was beyond amazing.but it made it real in my head then that they had been together. Its hard when i have quiet time thats when my brain goes into overdrive! This thing saw a bit of money and her eyes lit up.i know it was dh that cheated on me but she knew about me and kids she knew we was still together. i dont know whether its a good thing but she was ugly as they come he said it was so he could never fall for her it was an escapism. but we both got checked out at clinics thankfully all clear. i think your amazing the way your coping and your an inspiration to me. x

MLS - glad to see you're being so strong as usual It must be truly awful having to put up with receiving malicious messages from someone with the sole intent of hurting you to the core

I do feel sorry for her in a way - although given the chance I'm sure I'd kick her arse too Hopefully she'll soon give up and you can put her firmly in the past where she belongs!

I was reading ernest's thread - haven't posted simply because I'm not sure I have the same shared experience (DH never slept with other woman - as far as I know) but I'm really glad you have. You can see how many people have been able to find a way to move past this and find a new "normal" as others have so eloquently put it.

I'm sorry to say I wasn't surprised when somone shouted "Get rid" but I'm pleased it was a lone voice in the wilderness. There are so many women, including you, who are such an inspiration to me personally - it would be so easy to leave and it takes so much and courage to fight and make it work. I'm struggling with it every day and on my worse days I log on and draw strength from all of you...

hi Cashncarry - how are you today? Sounds like you're having a really hard time yourself
Mumsnet is a godsend for me at the moment I don't know how I'd have got this far without all the support and advice. I'm glad you're getting some strength from here too. Are things getting any better for you?

Totally agree with what you said about not being surprised at people saying 'get rid'! To be honest it would probably have been my first instinct myself if it wasn't actually me in the situation! Nobody can predict how we will cope with these things, all any of us can do is whatever we think is best at the time.

I think it was hurtwife who said there's worse things that could happen. And I agree with that. Dh made a bloody stupid horrendous mistake. But we have our health. These things are solveable and manageable over time. It could be much worse.

It's another of the good things about Mumsnet though - there's always a great range of opinions and advice, but mostly there's support when you need it.

melminx it sounds like our situations are strangely similar! The girl dh was with wasn't much of a looker either!

I didn't know whether this was a good thing (i.e. telling myself she was no comparison to me!) or a bad thing because he'd slept with a minger when he could have been with me!!
That's still bothering me a lot to be honest.

But I know what you mean about your brain going into overdrive. I have a long journey to work and that's when my mind is racing as I have no other distractions. Horrible.

I'm having really vivid dreams these last couple of days too, like finding out he's had more affairs, and last night's dream was finding out he's still seeing her in secret. Hopefully that's just my brain's way of dealing with it all and they'll stop soon - it's doing my head in!!

Hi MLS - sorry if I hijacked your thread with my misery Things are ok - I think we've put the past behind us although the paranoia that it's not me he wants is still a daily feature!

TBH it's the underlying issues that were wrong in our rship to start with that we're having trouble with. It's not helped by the fact that we hardly see each other - we're like passing ships in the night. Hopefully once I've got through the next 6 mths job-wise we can start to make a concerted effort to sort out the future of our rship - if that's what he wants.

I'm also a bit this week because although I'm feeling very broody, I've realised that it's unlikely we'll be able to have another lo, especially if our rship doesn't recover - we couldn't possibly afford it anyway so I've no idea why I'm being so daft!

ROFL at you and Melminx and the mingers

Cashncarry I'm totally with you on the daily paranoia! It's just an awful feeling isn't it. I say to myself each morning that it will fade with time and reassurance from dh - but still having to spell it out on a daily basis that I need the reassurance!!

Is the job situation going to take 6 months to sort out, is there anything you can do sooner? Any holdays planned or perhaps weekends/nights away or doing things together. If you're finding it hard, another 6 months of living this way doesn't sound good at all

And have you spoke to him about the broodiness? If you both want the same thing you can find a way to manage.

Glad our minger stories made you too.

Hi all glad you can retain your sense of hum our in all this. I just made my apologies on Ernest thread for any offence i may have caused r/e other poster.Shocked myself really at how sensitive i still am regarding this situation. I find the support on here invaluable too. TBH when you further down the line even the few who know in rl don't really talk about it anymore so it good to let off steam. ( if not always in the right way)

Don't think you have anything at all to apologise for LilyLoo - think you've been very level headed about it all! I had to stop myself posting much worse!!

Never thought about that fact that one day it will probably never get mentioned again and even if you want to talk about it you can't really. At least there will be MN to keep me sane!

morning/afternoon all. im hoping the paranoia does eventually go. think its easier when the " mingers " have moved on to their next victim. i found out about dh affair because the thing phoned me to tell me all about it! bless her! until i saw it i pictured it as slim blonde a real stunner what i saw what a fat ugly hairy beast. and my ego went straight down the drain. How the hell could he prefer that over me? i am putting it down to a breakdown of sorts or a body invasion. what ever it was it ripped my heart out tore it to shreds and threw it back in my body in the hope one day it would put all the pieces back as one. still missing a few pieces but getting there. i still check his phone and i still going quietly insane when his out late doing quotes because i think maybe his with her. i know his not but hurt does stupid things to your brain! men are idiots simple as! all of us that are going through this need to be strong. Yes they are idiots and they have done wrong and caused of indescribable pain but we love them and i for one am not going to lose the love of my life because some dirty little whore wanted an easy ride in life and my dh was twat enough to be tempted. wow that sounded brave and tough! complete opposit of what i feel. but im determined to get through this and be happy with th elove of my life and i hope and pray it works for everyone of you too. but this mn is a god send only ventured to other topics beginning of week always been on meet a mum. i hope you are all doing well today. x

excuse typing got a rotten cold and just want to chop head off!

I think the initial paranoia is what is hard at first. I don't think it ever goes away completely but it does ease up. I used to think about it all the time and now after 4 years I hardly think about it at all. We do have a few ground rules which makes things easier. He must answer his phone at all times. He does even if its in a meeting because I explained to him how awful it was for me not knowing. I also have complete access to his pphone and computer.

I think you need to make sure that he is completely commited before taking him back. If he isn't don't waste your time it will only hurt more in the long term.

Here here melminx! Well said! Men are idiots!!
they are attracted to strong, confident, independent women, they chase them til they get them, then they no longer want them to be strong, confident, independent women because they fear other men will find them attractive too and this makes them feel insecure, so they set about removing from their women all that attracted them in the first place. Then lose interest in what they have created and look for much of the same in some new bit of fluff, and the process starts all over again. Meanwhile, the ex lady regains all her confidence, strength and independence and starts to look mightily attractive again.
Men are stupid!! They always had what they wanted in the first place!

melminx well said!

paulaplumpbottom I think that sort of total openness and complete honesty will be the only way forward for me too - it's the 'not knowing' that's a killer. If he's not 100% committed I agree it would never work out.

ifonlyhewould - yes I truly believe they did have want they wanted in the first place! you're so right! they just push us to the very edge, then when they're about to lose us they suddenly realise they already had everything they wanted

Hello again MLS - your posts always make me smile or cry and today you made me do both! It must be like in RL when someone says "How are you?" and you fall apart! It's just so weird that I don't have to explain that I feel pants but you know enough about me to know that I do - lovely but tres weird

The 6 mth thing is unavoidable really - I'm training at the mo and will be qualified then. We're just too skint for nights out etc. Plus he's just started a job where he leaves at 8am and comes back about 9pm - more fuel for my paranoid fantasies! Might suggest we take a day off together to go to lunch or something...

The baby thing is just stupidity on my part - there are loads of other factors than our rship - finances, support (no family), career! The thing I think upsets me is that when I've mentioned the state of our rship, he always rolls his eyes and says "Oh no, not again" or ignores it. It's only when I get myself in a state (y'know those heaving sobs with tons of snot!) that he'll start to say what I need to hear - which makes me feel even more pathetic!

Oh dear I sound like such a wuss - will just have to see how it all pans out I guess! Don't worry, I'll keep drawing on the wisdom of MN to make sure I keep balanced

Lilyloo - I also think you had no reason to apologise. I think FC should have known that if she came on a thread full of women giving each other the strength to help themselves through a difficult time and berated them then she was going to get told to P* off. Sounds like she's accepted it so that definitely justifies your stance IMO

Melminx - don't underestimate your own strength. You're there and you're working on your rship. If she was a minger then all the more reason for you to see that it wasn't her that was the attraction, it was the situation. I think a lot of these men are going through an (early) mid-life crisis, they get scared (my pregnancy was DH's trigger) and do stupid things - really stupid things! I think you're doing brilliantly and what you're feeling is quite normal (see our gazillion posts just to make yourself feel better!). Hope you continue to post on MN in all the different forums - it's great fun and really helpful as well!

Ifonlyhewould - I haven't posted on your thread but I have read it. I can only re-iterate what everyone else is saying - you are such a strong person. Your situation does sound irretrievable and even if it's not, it will take a short sharp shock on your part to make your DH see what he's doing to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this and if you need any practical help in terms of legal position, telephone numbers of helpful organisations etc. do ask - we can only say we don't know

After i divorced my husband and he saw me thriving, he actually admitted he had been wrong to treat me the way he had, he said he was just so scared of losing me. He even apologised!
My response - Your loss now sucker!!

But if i was in a loving relationship and my DH/DP had an affair, i would do all i could to rebuild trust and keep us together. As another poster said, there are worse things he could have done
But I would also keep him on his toes you have the upper hand now MLS. You are not grateful that he chose you over fluff, you are going to make him grateful that you chose saving your marriage over pride xx

Right ladies! i think the time has come to stop puting ourselves down! None of us are wusses, weak, blah, blah blah. All of us on here have been through a lot one way or another and we have/are coming out the other end. We are survivors!!! Or survivors in progress

Its the men who are weak, insecure blobs who find their escape in booze, gambling, abuse or other women, rather than face up to their feelings or any problems they may be having. It's us women who pick up the pieces!! that makes us incredible

Ive started taking AD's. Can you tell? Feeling as high as a kite at the moment!!

ROFL at your sudden injection of fervent feminism! Look out Germaine Greer!!

I'll have some of whatever you're on btw

Oh cashncarry, i just get so fed up of feeling like a victim, being scared to do anything but nod my head in the right places.
The thing is, we call ourselves, silly, weak, etc but i think we have to be really strong to put up with all this you know what in the first place.

Off to burn my bra now