mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Just a quick nosey to see how it went on Saturday night? Are you ok?

Morning everyone

Thanks for the messages, sorry, the weekend was hectic so didn't manage to get on at all.

Saturday night was great. I was so worried but it really did turn out be be a good night. Just having the space on our own to talk was much needed, but also we managed to have a laugh, to talk about the wedding, honeymoon, holidays we've had, the baby, the future. It helped to me to remember why I love him in the first place.

It's strange because when we're together and having a nice time everything seems ok. Then something will happen to remind me, or he'll leave for work or the gym, and it all comes flooding back. Perhaps that's just what is going to take time.

So I do feel a lot more positive today and the weekend seemed to confirm that I know I'm doing the right thing in giving it everything I've got. And dh seems to be giving it 100% too.

Got my counselling at 6pm tonight which I'm dreading a little bit - not sure I have the energy to go through it all again and let myself feel all those feelings again. It just hurts too much. But I suppose I have to deal with it in order for it to get better.

I've taken the day off work today just to try and relax a bit and not get too worked up about later. And I was just so exhaused that I knew I'd be no use in the office. So just have to keep taking it one day at a time and hope each day gets easier.
I hope it will

I'm so pleased for you.

It's going to be like a whole new relationship but you won't take any of it for granted because you now know how vulnerable it can be.

You deserve the best, make sure you don't settle for anything less from now on.

I hope the counselling goes well

Take good care X

Thank you for everything Ifonlyhewould. Hopefully we've both learned never to take each other for granted ever again. I'll let you know how things go xx

Hug for you Mylittlestar. I know exactly how you feel at the moment. My DH did this to me 2 and a half years ago. I found out when I was pregnant with DS3. God that was such an awful, awful time. The stupid thing was that we were actually very close at that time.

We are still together but it has been difficult at times. I can never forget how much he hurt me and although I love him (wouldn't still be with him if I didn't) and I know what we do have is on the whole great, I do still beat myself up about being so stupid to have taken him back. I still have many moments of feeling like he mustn't really want me to have done that and am I really so awful that he had to have an affair. But mostly I am happy we manaed to overcome it.

I have to work at controllin how it has affected me at times and we both have to work at buildint the trust back up, but we are. It can work, it's just not easy.

I hope everythin works out well for you x

Bless you

Let me know when you have written that book!! It will be a bestseller! xx

I'm soooo glad Saturday night went well - had my fingers and toes crossed! Good on you for taking a day off - give yourself some TLC, watch a bit of crappy daytime telly - it's a gorgeous day so you picked a good 'un

Don't dread the counsellor. You can see how important it is for you and DH to have some alone time to work through your issues. Similarly, you need some time to work through yours individually. I know your main impetus right now is your relationship and how to make things right for you and DH but don't forget the devastation this has caused for you and you alone. Fixing things in your rship is just one aspect - you need to try to find ways of dealing with your own feelings without reference to him (in my humble opinion!). Think of it as fighting the problem on all fronts

Anyway, hope it goes well xx

Hi MLS - sorry, not been online for a few days as went away and then broadband playing up.

Saturday night sounds like it was really positive, that's great! Really pleased that you went ahead with it, and that it went well.

Have been thinking of you lots and just wanted to send you hugs ((((((((((((mls)))))))))))))

Let us know how things are going xx

omg, that first one was £70!!!

oops wrong thread, sorry!!!!!!!!

hi mls

hope you got my email end of last week....

on a course all week this week so very limited access.

pleased to hear you had a good night out. glad you were able to enjoy some shared memories.

my dh seems to be stepping up to the plate this week with childcare and generally being around and accessable.

finger's x'd it's a good sign for the future.

hope your appt this evening went well.

HI mls glad you had good weekend. Hopefully the good memories will gradually begin to overtake the bad ones. Hope tonight goes well thinking of you as it's going to be very hard

Hi MLS

Thinking of you, sending positive vibes your way. x

Hello

Well the counselling went well in the end. It was good to focus on me, and she really made me think when she said I seem to put everyone elses needs before mine, and why did I think my needs weren't as important. (Think I'm just used to doing it now!)

She made me think about bad events in the past (as an example, the death of my nan) and made me understand that I have got through that and even though the pain never goes away it becomes manageable and doesn't consume your every thought. And she said that's what will happen with this too if I want it to.

Just said I need to give myself time. And I need to stop making excuses for him and let him start putting the work into the relationship. That we have to be an 'equal' partnership on every level, and I shouldn't be scared of asking more from him if I'm not getting what I need.

(e.g. I need constant reassurance at the moment and am scared to ask him for that as I don't want to seem like a needy, nagging wife! She just said after what I've been through it's not asking too much to expect his actions, comments, reassurance etc to be fully focussed me, and on rebuilding that trust, for a good while to come!)

Also said always try to focus on positives - there have to be positives from every situation. Just need to find them and remember them!

I'm trying that today!!

(struggling so far! )

As the pregnancy 'gone away' yet? Or she still insisting she is?

No mention of it since he asked her to do a test and she said she wouldn't. He hasn't been in contact with her. She's just sending the odd random text like...

"what the f* are you playing at"

followed not long after by

"i don't want, anybody else, when i think about you i touch myself".....

She obviously clutching at straws with them comments esp. sexual ones. Best to ignore her think she knows she's been rumbled with the pregnancy thing. Great news about the counselling. She is exactly right it is about you now and how he can support you. The positives will come in time no matter how small to start with. Like Saturday night shows you can still have as good a time together as you did pre affair and when more of these memories happen the less vivid old ones become. Look how far you've come already !

Hi MLS - just to say hi and hope things are going a little better for you!

Hi MLS

You have shown yourself to be a wonderful, caring, forgiving, compassionate and strong person. I would say this is a positive to come out of your situation.

You haven't let pride get in the way of your love for your husband and you are prepared to do what ever it takes to rebuild your relationship.
That takes a special person.

Good news re: counselling. I hope you're going to continue with it as long as you need to. You've just got used to "pleasing" everyone else and putting yourself last. It's a pattern of behaviour which you have to unlearn. Just like you have to unlearn thinking that asking for what you need makes you a nagging wife!

Good news on the other woman front I think. Resorting to the use of sad, 'eighties lyrics has a sour smell of desperation - hopefully she'll give up soon and allow you to get on with your lives.

Don't be afraid to give DH a (metaphorical) kick up the bum when he needs one

Message withdrawn

Hi everyone

Jacobsdad, Dior, thanks - really appreciate you thinking of me

Lilyloo I agree, I didn't think i'd be doing as well as I am by this stage so I feel like I'm getting somewhere (slowly!) and we've agreed to continue to ignore her texts and try not to get into any sort of slanging match with her. Trying to focus on us only!

Cashncarry I did give him a little bit of a kick up the arse last night!
He'd been to the gym (took a couple of hours!) so when he got back I was a bit on edge and made it quite clear that I have no issues with him going to the gym but 10 minutes travel and an hour of excercise is quite enough at this particular moment in time!! I also made it really clear about needing reassurance and needing him to tell me what he's thinking, (especially if it's something positive like I look nice ) as that's the only way I'll start to build up the trust and confidence again. He's trying his best he really is.

Not sure he'll have taken it all in but like you've all said, one step at a time!!

Ifonlyhewould you're a very special person yourself - I am just going to pop to your thread as I was thinking about you last night

xx

hiya MLS - glad u had a good niteout last friday.. i did as woke up with a bad ass hangover and a cold!! grrr!

i noticed that u are going to counselling. Just take it slowly to rebuild a relationship again - day by day.

hiya biglips glad you had a good night too - shame about the cold though

just going to try and do exactly that, one (small) step at a time and I'm sure I'll get there in the end!

Morning ! Glad he's trying his best and you recognise that. I found that the more nice things i said to him the more it worked the other way i.e i know your trying your best etc. I think this is the first stage back to a sense of normality. Although at the time i remeber thinking i wish things could just go back to normal and then on the other hand thinking despite everything that was happening the fact that he was trying to please me 24/7 was quite nice. If that makes sense.