mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Hi Mls just wanted to pop in to say hello. These feelings are so hard to deal with i still think about them things now. It's so weird to see this as i can recall them days where one minute you think yeah i can handle this and then the next you want to run a mile and get away from it all. I promise you it does get better and you stop torturing yourself on a daily basis with all the what ifs. They didn't happen and you've got enough on your plate to deal with without adding other things. Take it one day at a time. It sounds as if your dh will do whatever it takes and you can only go with that.x

thanks Cashncarry
you've been a star with all your support and advice

and I'm still looking forward to the day when you kick his arse!

I suppose you're right, I feel helpless at this point and start to wonder if it really is possible to get over it. But there are so many people on here who have managed, so there must be many more in RL too!

Staying with that positive thought, when people talk about the relationships that haven't survived, they seemed to know it was the right thing to end it, know the trust was gone, or perhaps the oh did it again, they'd done it before etc etc.
My instinct is still that there is a special relationship to protect and deep down he's a good man who just made the biggest mistake of his life...

Just a note on you saying maybe it's a good thing as it's brought you back together. I know it will sound madness to some people but i often think how awful things were before it happened to me and how far we had drifted apart. And i would never condone what he did but i do feel that if that hadn't happened we wouldn't be as close with each other as we are now, if that make sense, despite the extra insecurities this situation brings.

hi LilyLoo
yes I'm even doing that right now, one minute I can't cope, next I'm finding the positives again. You're right, the what if's didn't happen so I shouldn't be wasting my energy dwelling on them. Just deal with what's actually happening. That's enough!

wow LilyLoo your last post made me think - I'm so glad that things have worked that way for you. I hope I can follow your lead and that can work for me too.
Like we said, never the same again, but different, and that doesn't have to mean bad.

Then take the hug. For your benefit more than his.
It won't weaken your resolve but it may help you take one step closer to your goal

MLS i know you can absolutely make this work. If i had been half as calm and dignified about this whole situation as you have been i am sure it wouldn't have taken me so long to get over it. I think your right people make mistakes and some are more catastrophic than others. This doesn't stop him being a good dad or becoming a good husband to you again. It's hopefully just made him learn how special you are and how stupid he has been. But he can't take it back so only his actions from here on can prove that to you. You should expect nothing less than that from him. He needs to work bloody hard every day to help you work through this and prove to you that he is sorry. Like you said i think some people can never get back to that and thats why it doesn't work for them.

MLS, oh sorry I never meant it to make you cry, you probably have done enough of that already.
If you feel that you are doing the right thing then I am sure you are. If you dont give it a chance then I suppose you will never know what could have been and maybe both of you will be unhappy that you are no longer together.
I think I would also be thinking about the 'what if's' though as it is something that will prob be in your mind and will take along time to fade away. Maybe write all your feelings and what ifs down and if you feel strong enough show them to your husband and maybe talk about it or if not sometimes just writing things down gets it all off your chest and out of your mind. (I have done it before for other things and it does help!) You can throw it away or keep it or show it to husband but it is a way of getting rid of thoughts and maybe helping to deal with things.
I do think though that by the sounds of it and how you have described his emotions etc that this would have all come out. He is obvioulsy extremely sorry and dissapointed in himself and wants to do whatever he can to save your relationship. It did sound like he was having a mid life crisis and now realises that the grass is not greener and that you are the best thing he has had and that a realtionship/affair with a 19 year old will not make any past problems be resolved!
Hopefully you can take some time out and try to work things out. Can you be on your own for the weekend to clear your head or would you find that too hard? Maybe be with a friend and try to have a nice day out?
I will send you a big hug (((((*))))))) as they are the best things ever!

Been following this thread from the start and felt rotten not coming in. Just popping in to give you some ((((((hugs)))))) and wish you all the very best. Been thinking about you for the last few days. You are one amazing woman. Have plenty of experience but no more good advice that has already been given. All I can say is that whatever you decide, life will get better....x

Hi MLS Just wanted to add another of my two pennies re: the possibility that this could be a good thing (in a bizarre sort of way!) I did just what one of the other posters suggested and got some of my feelings down on paper.

I basically said that I thought that he wasn't taking the whole thing seriously and that my understanding was that he wasn't bothered about losing me - that's the short version anyway, I actually wrote a page and a half

Anyway, his reaction was really strong - he said that he couldn't contemplate what life would be like without me (despite all our problems before the "mishap"). It was the first time he said anything like that in the nine years we've been together. In fact, we've talked a lot more about him and how he feels about me than we used to so I guess that's a good thing but I still feel a bit about admitting to that!

Hi MLS

I just saw this thread and thought I would say hello as you were so kind as to take the time to give me advice earlier today. To be honest it takes someone pretty special who can take the time to write to others when they themselves are having such a sh*t time.

Im really sorry to read whats happened to you over the last few weeks and im sure i speak for everyone here when I say that that kind of thing shouldnt be wished on anyone.

I dont think youve been a fool for staying with him for so long - even when things have been so bad. I think its a measure of the sort of person you seem to be - kind and caring by the sound of it. Anyone who gives someone the space that you have given him is in my mind a better person than someone who just closes the door on a relationship at the first sign of trouble - that happens far too much in my opinion.

On the other hand, you have been treated very badly and if I was you I would have to seriously consider my relationship. Firstly, remember that your not the a**hole - he is and if you can get that straight in you mind then thats the first thing. Then you need to decide where you want to go from there. Only you can decide what you want. Only you know him as well as he knows himself and only you know you relationship. Take advice, sure, but dont be pushed into anything that doesnt truely come from a gut feeling. The fact is he cheated on you and the worst thing about that isnt what hes done in the physical with someone else - its that hes made a fool of you and your love for him. Thats never exceptable - EVER.

I really hope that through all of this, whatever the outcome is, that you dont loose the ability to trust and love.

Good luck MLS

Morning everyone

Jacobsdad thanks so much for your post. I was glad to try and help you yesterday as to be honest I want to be able to help others, as at times I feel overwhelmed by the support on here and so humbled that people are really taking the time to help get me through this.

Plus it's lovely to see people who have wonderful relationships that just need a little bit of tlc and a push in the right direction - if there's anything I can do to stop another person going through what I have at least there's been a positive side to this!

I too hope that I don't lose the ability to trust and love - it's being tested to the limit right now!

BernieBear, jenwa, thanks for the hugs, I need them

Agree about writing things down too. I've done it a few times since dh left me to be able to come to terms with what he was doing. Even showed him one of them. He was devastated to read it at the time, but it didn't stop him doing this!
To be honest I'm scared of writing things down this time as I'm burying my feelings just to get through the day. I have my first individual counsellor appointment on Monday and I'm even dreading that - I'm not sure I have the strength to go through it all again and let myself feel the emotions again.
(This isn't like me at all.)

Strangely enough I am contemplating going on our night out on Saturday night for his 30th. I put a lot of effort into planning the evening and I have thought that if I go there may be 2 positive outcomes - firstly, we will have the space and time alone to talk and completely focus on each other. Secondly we may even be able to have a nice time and it may help me to remember why I love him so much in the first place and why it's worth continuing to try.

The other possibility is that it turns into the night from hell! But I'm not the sort of person who would scream and shout or make a scene, so if it really wasn't working we could just head home. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

(Cashncarry, lilyloo, I was thinking about you both last night, you have been amazing on here and I will never be able to thank you enough for your constant support. All I can send is {{{{hugs}}}} to both of you. Thank you)

I think it must be tough if you've written things down before and he's had a reaction and then gone on to hurt you - you must feel like "what's the point?" However, the writing down would help you a lot - especially as you're having to bury your feelings the rest of the time just so you can deal with DS, do your job etc.

Don't be scared of going to the counsellor. It's a safe place where you can rant and rant and rant with no comeback (bit like MN really!). Just because you take space to get your emotions out in that kind of way, doesn't mean you'll turn into a blubbering wreck the rest of the time - just the opposite in my experience.

You're being very selfless (again!) in agreeing to go out on his bday this w/e. You are probably right in that it will help for the two of you to be alone to talk and as usual you're being very reasonable and thinking ahead in case it doesn't go as planned.

However in your shoes I'd be tempted to

....

what is it ...

....

oh yeah ...

....

KICK HIS ARSE!!

sorry, couldn't resist!

Hi MLS hows thing ? Go out if you feel up to it it will be good for you to have done something together since the event and think time alone can only help. Like you say if it doesn't work out you come home and if it does great. x

I would go if it were me. You have'nt behaved like a 'victim'in all this so far so why should you now. I'm a great believer in not cutting off my nose to spite my face.

You have a great time, you deserve it!

Yes I'll give it a go. Anything's worth a try. And I could do with a few drinks!!

Have booked a hair appointment and planned a night with my best mate tonight so feel a bit better already. (If I don't let myself think about things!)

PS your comments are so lovely. Amazing no ! Just happy to give any advice i can from the positive aspect which you asked for in the op. I hope i haven't influenced you in any way and that you are sticking to what you think is right.

Have a great night tonight with your mate. Let your hair down and have good chin wag it always helps ! As does the pampering.

Have a gud nite 2nite

im off out to a 18th bday party 2nite so its a niteout for me too x

Thanks everyone (biglips hope it's a good night!!)

And lily, I'm doing what I think is right and I know that's the right thing to do. The advice and suggestions here just give me the strength to keep doing what I'm doing.

Ifonlyhewould that's exactly how I feel. I want to do what I think will make me happy and rather than sit in feeling sorry for myself he can take me out and show me a good time! I thought about your advice last night too and decided to take the hug - it felt nice. That was what I wanted too. I'm glad I did. Thank you for everything xx

Awh, i'm so pleased. You know, i don't think you need any of our advice, i think you have this job well sorted but it's so lovely to read your posts. I think you are one of the nicest people i have never met xx

mls, if you get on here before tonight then I hope you have a nice evening.

whatever happens you guys are going to share a future of some sort and it'd be easier to do that on a friendly basis rather than hostile.

really hope your DH appreciates the effort you've put in.

enjoy yourself.

hugs
x

Hope you have / had a lovely night with DH tonight.