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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want revenge

107 replies

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain · 01/06/2017 22:04

That really.

How do I get over the feeling that I want my ex to suffer for what he's done to me.

He's in a relationship with OW, he's happy and here I am wondering if any man will ever take interest in me again.

I thought by going no contact and moving on I would get my revenge because I would be happy, but I'm not happy.

Please can anyone help. I did the right thing in leaving him behind, but I have nothing to show for it.

OP posts:
FreeNiki · 01/06/2017 22:11

I could have written that. Still bitter about it.

He is still him though and the potential to behave like that with her still there.

I by chance was listening to Love the Way You Lie part 2 the other day and this part of the song stood out to me:

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em

Maybe so. All relationships eventually become routine.....

SallyAmorim · 01/06/2017 23:08

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guinnessguzzler · 01/06/2017 23:14

You could get a magic book. Or you could just pop round for a visit so you can finally get closure. Just remember to piss on his toothbrush when you nip to the loo and hold that thought whenever you're feeling down. Grin

Brogadoccio · 01/06/2017 23:54

Make sure he takes the kids as often as possible.

I won't berate you for wanting revenge. I am over a lot of trauma now but for years, to have been able to have executed some form of revenge would have been like a sandbag over board for me.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2017 02:20

Bitterness and resentment will get you nowhere. You don't seem to understand that you've WON in all this. The other woman is the one stuck with a lying, cheating bastard. Revenge doesn't get any sweeter than that.

Arealhumanbeing · 02/06/2017 03:26

How long has it been, OP?

Original poster
Outedlasttimenamechangeagain · 02/06/2017 07:04

I like that song freeniki

I'll read that book it looks like it could be helpful,

Pissing on his toothbrush made me laugh.

There aren't any kids involved luckily, although that could be a whole other thread in itself.

I keep trying to let go of this but I can't, the bitterness keeps coming back, I feel like I've lost. I took a stand in my own life and it feels like it was the wrong stand.

It's been 3 / 4 months now. I was doing so well.

It's so frustrating that he gets to be happy and I'm here wondering why I can't get another guy. I took time for me and now I want a relationship I can't attract anyone.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/06/2017 07:07

3/4 months really is such early days. Keep doing the positive things you know about, and time will do the rest.

I know just how you feel but things will get better

noego · 02/06/2017 07:45

When you realise you are doing this to yourself your life will change. Until then the bitterness will drain you of happiness and make you give off a negative energy that isn't attractive. The truth is you don't really know what is going on in their relationship. It could be shit behind closed doors. I know a few that are struggling but cannot bring themselves to admit their mistakes because they would look idiots. Now that is Karma!!

Shayelle · 02/06/2017 07:48

Get yourself a notebook and start writing down how you feel. It really helps. It gets it out of your system and onto the paper, somehow it cleanses.

bluediamonds · 02/06/2017 08:45

It's early days still. Get on with your life, do things you like to do that make you happy. Spend time with people you love and who love you. Busy your time up. Get the endorphins flowing! Love will come when you're ready! Xx

BTG3385 · 02/06/2017 15:05

If you still feel like this you are not ready for a relationship

hellsbellsmelons · 02/06/2017 15:38

I'm with you.
My relationship ended in February and it's still a bit shit.
I'm not ready for anything with anyone else yet and just enjoying myself.
I'm out every weekend but I do miss him.
No idea why. He was hell on wheels towards the end and is a narc and probably a bit of a psychopath.
I will still see him and OW as he's moving into a house in MY village.
GREAT! Torture - pure torture.
I pray every night for it all to fall through at the last minute but I doubt it will.

We just need to keep busy and keep going.
We'll get there.

thistlewine · 02/06/2017 15:40

I know exactly how you feel. My fiance cheated on me and is now engaged to the ow (hollow laugh)
I did get some revenge which was sweet, but others are right, the best revenge is moving on, knowing she is stuck with the lying piece of shit.
They look all happy on Facebook and wherever but so did we, all the time he was cheating and on dating sites, then coming home and planning a wedding.
A leopard doesn't change its spots. It's just a matter of time before he makes the same mistakes again, by then hopefully we will be indifferent.
I'm a lot further on than you, and yes the level of betrayal takes a long time to get over, you will be sad angry scared and a whole load of other emotions, but it gets better. I didn't sleep or eat properly for months let alone think about dating. I just couldn't. Now I'm alot healthier as I have put all that negative bitter hating energy into making myself and my life better. I had to make some good come out of it and now I'm so grateful to that girl and relieved I'm not married to him. She saved me. And then I saved myself.

DoubleCarrick · 02/06/2017 15:53

My ex is still with the OW. I have no idea if he's happy.

However now I have a lovely DH, a beautiful DS and am expecting again.

You WILL get there OP. I promise. In time, you will get there

hellsbellsmelons · 02/06/2017 16:24

She saved me. And then I saved myself
That's a bit how I'm feeling.
The things I'm still finding out about are just crazy.
He even came on to one of my friends while with me and sitting with one of his mates whos GF it was.
He really has no moral compass at all.

Original poster
Outedlasttimenamechangeagain · 02/06/2017 18:11

Normally I would read messages like these and I would feel hope (it's amazing you're all doing so well) but all I feel is empty.
At least if I'd stayed I could have been pregnant by now.

I can't believe how broken I am.

Maybe a PP is right and I'm not ready because I feel like this, but in all honesty, I don't know how else to heal. I've tried alone time and it hurts more each day.

Hellsbells my heart goes out to you, that would finish me.

A leopard doesn't change its spots you're right, but I wish he would show OW his true colours already. I feel so impatient.

He's meant to be feeling like crap, not me. I'm meant to be looking forward not back.

This doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:
CharlieBoo · 02/06/2017 20:15

I know how you feel... the desire for revenge can feel so consuming.. This feeling too shall pass.. it's part of the process and is a normal reaction.

You have won .. you have got rid of a lying, cheating skum bag and you are worth so much more than that! The OW now has to spend her life wandering when he'll do the same to her!

Keep your chin up

RandomChocolate8 · 02/06/2017 20:29

I know how you feel too. I've been polite and amicable throughout - from discovery of multiple affairs til now-- for the sake of the DC, but while he's happily moved on and dating someone lovely (not OW), I'm still angry about just how shittily he treated me and made me feel.
After so many years of being gaslighted, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust someone else enough to get into a proper relationship.
I want to completely vent and tell him what a complete cuntweasel he is and how lightly he got off, but I need to keep things amicable for DC who would bear brunt from their manchild of a father sulking with me.
So I completely get it! We can't get actual revenge but there's nothing wrong with a little fantasising on MN Grin

Original poster
Outedlasttimenamechangeagain · 02/06/2017 20:30

I am in agony, it gets worse.

I haven't won, if I'd have win surely I'd be happier by now. I have amazing friends and a good social life but I don't have a relationship or even a hope of one.

I looked at her Facebook earlier, its full of her talking about him spoiling her, it did seem too try hard. Like she was trying to show she's happy, considering she rarely posted before. The truth is though, at least she has someone.

I was doing so well, I don't understand how I can be moving backwards now.

I'm so sorry to all of you, you don't need to have me posting shit like this.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 02/06/2017 21:00

so many people have felt how you have, not that's much of a comfort
You want the bad things to happen to them immediately. I did when my first love went off and married my best friend after a "denied" affair.
I wanted it to break down so badly. It did in the end, but not in the time frame I initially wanted and by the time it happened I didn't care anymore. It took 8 years. I spent at least three wishing for it. They weren't worth those 3 years.
There is nothing we can do about it. Other than try not to let it eat away at our soul. Because it's not eating away at theirs.
And I wanted it to eat away at their souls. But it just didn't
There is no way out of the feeling. I wish there were.
Other than time
But try not to let it destroy your life, because a pair of arseholes shouldn't be able to Have that much control over you.

Sorry rambling slightly, but I feel your pain.

Justbreathing · 02/06/2017 21:02

And sometimes things HAVE to get worse before they get better.
There was a time when I thought I was ok and then I spiralled backwards
you can't predict it. You just have to know you're worth more Flowers

MaQueen · 02/06/2017 21:08

The best revenge is a happy life, and you will feel happy again, but it will take time.

Feeling all this envy, resentment and bitterness is like holding on to a red hot coal, but not throwing it at the perpetrator of your pain....it only hurts you.

AperolOnIce · 02/06/2017 21:24

I think you could start - or assist - your path to recovery by NOT looking at her FB. Or his.
It's hard but cold turkey is the thing that will cure you.
Wish you well - I know it hurts but it's in your hands to get better and move on.

PoorYorick · 02/06/2017 22:00

At least if I'd stayed I could have been pregnant by now.

Good God, then you'd have been shackled to the bastard for your entire life. You would probably have done that woman thing where you sacrifice your own happiness and identity for the sake of the family while your husband carries on doing what he pleases, then 40 years later you realise your life has gone, he's taken the best of you and given nothing back, and you don't get any of that time again and your entire life has been stolen by a shitbag.

Thank God and every angel that that's not going to happen.

Four months in is nothing. If you'd been bereaved, nobody would expect you to be back in balance in 16 lousy weeks. And what you suffered is akin to a bereavement. It will always be a two steps forward, one step back progress. If you'd had surgery, you'd have some days where you felt worse as part of a general overall recovery. You seriously need to be kinder to yourself.

I would stay well off their social media. I think it's well known that it generally makes people feel like shit whatever their circumstances, and when you're particularly fragile there's really no reason. To put it bluntly, if you were going for a picnic, you wouldn't seek out the piles of cow shit so you could sit by them.

Suggest you get some good counselling and therapy to help you let go of the (extremely understandable) anger and bitterness you feel. For no reason other than that it will help YOU. You are the only person who suffers for carrying it around. It's like drinking poison every day. Whatever else he took, he will not take YOU. You belong to you. You can own you. You can work for you.