I want revenge

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

That really.

How do I get over the feeling that I want my ex to suffer for what he's done to me.

He's in a relationship with OW, he's happy and here I am wondering if any man will ever take interest in me again.

I thought by going no contact and moving on I would get my revenge because I would be happy, but I'm not happy.

Please can anyone help. I did the right thing in leaving him behind, but I have nothing to show for it.

It doesn't sound like you're blaming her at all. It sounds like the kind of thing most normal people would think!
He is a manipulator
I know the "you're better off without him" means jack shit right now, when you're in the midst of pain and you feel like you haven't been "picked"
But, you know you won't fall for love bombing in the future
You know you won't be pushed into choices you don't want to make in the future
Sounds like you're already on the road to winning for yourself

That feeling of injustice, wanting people to know the truth, is so hard to swallow, I empathise truly.

But I think true revenge is giving them zero mind space. He doesn't deserve your thoughts. That helped me anyway, like detoxing my brain by refusing to dwell on it. Takes practice but helps restore dignity I think.

Small steps but you can build a happy life for you and your future family if that's what you want. Dump them!

Night;)

Outed, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I honestly didn't mean to upset you. I've obviously got the wrong end of the stick here and I've asked MNHQ if they'll take my posts out so that this is a support thread for you. Really sorry.

The best revenge is like a stew.

Well done and made over a long period of time.

Lying - it's ok, it upset me for about ten minutes and then I got over it. I don't normally hold grudges

I truly do believe that I have learnt my lesson here and I will not be love bombed again, I will recognise the red flags if this happens again.

They do not deserve my headspace, that is so true and over time I will get my revenge by being happy and finding peace.

FYI today, I've been so happy, I haven't thought of them much and have carried on with my life, it's felt good.

Great news that you've felt happy today!
Little steps, will suddenly feel like great strides

That's great to hear :) wishing you lots of good times

You're doing fantastic after only 4 months.
Not to piss on your chips but just to prepare you if it happens, you might have times when you feel worse again for a while. It's normal, it sucks but it's totally normal when you're healing as you are.
Unfortunately its not a predictable process that travels in a straight line. I've had loads of ups and downs and one step forward two steps back kind of weeks/months.

Outed I'm sorry for your loss and your treatment by that idiot.

I took revenge and god it felt good. However, I don't think that what he did to you is worth a minute more of your beautiful life.

The journey now will be long and hard but the good things are coming.

I have a little journal, at least one good thing written down every day.

Last year sometimes all it said was got dressed, had some grapes, watched breaking bad etc.
Today I wrote down 'organised brilliant weekend with the girls'.

Takes a few seconds and it's been better than the all therapy

I'm also keeping a diary, some days all I've written is so tired today. Yet today and yesterday involve how happy I am. I am still in a good mood and feeling great, hopefully, this will continue. Yet, I think what you've said is very relevant Thistle. I was doing so well until this recent struggle which came out of nowhere.

He will absolutely not pull me down to his level ever again, the best thing about this whole thing is not once have I wanted to contact him. I have no desire to have him in my life. He is nothing to me. That feels good.

Sounds like you're doing great! X

Although my ex left me 3.5 months ago , a lot of the reason was my fault for which I kick myself.

He was parading OW round after 2 weeks and I felt desperate for karma. I imagined they were having this wonderful new relationship (all backed up by his social media). Over time I found out she'd met some of his family etc and I was devasted. After 10 years together, id literally been replaced overnight.

Its over between them now because he lied to her and got found out, so she got to see a glimpse of the real him, not the version of him on his best behaviour trying to impress her.

Unfortunately for me he soon replaced her with another, right on my doorstep. I cannot imagine ever being with anyone else as he has hurt me so much, so im spending time working on myself and giving DS the best life I can.

I personally dont think its healthy to go from one relationship to the next this way, especially when you've been with someone a long time as you never really deal with your issues (and believe me he has plenty).

Ive had him on the phone lots recently, crying and telling me how his whole life is shit. I put it to him that he doesnt love these girls, they take his mind off of the situation, pass the time and stop him having to actually stop and think about what he's done. He didnt deny it.

My ex is similar to that, he can't be single, he has not been truly single ever. He needs to be able to show his family he's got someone.

He will end up alone.

I am feeling ok right now, I've got myself a little crush and although nothing will happen there (I'm determined to focus on me for a bit) it's reminded me there are other men out there.

Fuck him Outedlasttimenamechangeagain - not literally, of course

You know what an arsehole this man is - and you are no longer lumbered with him.

Revenge is a dish best served cold - and your best revenge on this person is to feel good about yourself and get out there and enjoy yourself doing stuff you want to do, and if you meet a decent bloke or two along the way, then great. Life is too short to stress over losers like your ex-DP. It really is.

He is an arsehole, and nothing would ever persuade me otherwise.

I was thinking earlier, is there anything he could do to get me back, there is nothing. I don't want him in my life, I don't want to see him, I don't want him to ever try and speak to me again.

He has done this, he has caused this damage and he is too much of a coward to
try and fix it. He has lost me and it's all his own fault.

That makes me feel good, I did nothing wrong, he's the one who did everything wrong and lied constantly. I am free from that.

I agree the best revenge is to be happy and I am happy. I said before, he's beneath me, and he will always be beneath me. He's worthless. I am not.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and my dish is cooling down daily.

You sound lovely OP. I had a baby at 40, my friend at 45. You have plenty of time to find the man you deserve (and who deserves you). In the meantime continue to do what you're doing because you're doing so well - but please, go for some walks, see some countryside/coast. The diary's a good idea but so is fresh air and nature!

I am so scared I won't get to have a baby so that gives me some peace.

I certainly am going out and living my life, although I hadn't thought of going for walks, I'll try that, if it helps me heal then I'll try most things. Plus walking is so therapeutic.

Angry, manipulative and self absorbed people are never truly happy. You cannot be happy with the attitude he's got to life and to people. You might claim you are, you might look as though you are, but you cannot possibly have inner peace when you treat people like that.

I really feel for you op.

It seems the two - the narc, plus narc betrayal ; and the abortion are all mixed up together. Equals much pain and grief.

You can unpick this by perhaps recognising the categories

• You have been subjected to a narc, therefore trauma
• He betrayed you re OW
• You fear you won't be able to have another functioning relationship
• You were manipulated into an abortion - see narc trauma, above
• Loss, sorrow, grief re abortion ; fears you will never have a baby

That's a lot to deal with. All interrelated. It's not possible to skate past all that. As hard as it is, the only way is through, as a pp has already said. Yy you'd rather dump all that shit and move on... but as you've seen it isn't working. Something specific happened, a series of traumas. Your mental health won't allow you to ignore it.

Hard to hear. Many of us are recovering from narcissistic abuse, you aren't alone. You may want to have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans who deals with healing from narcissistic abuse. She's a bit woo but, frankly, who cares, she's addressing it.

Btw part of my healing from narcissistic abuse was a period of sustained fantasising about revenge. Really lurid and violent fantasies. It kept me sane - I'm not kidding. It was the only thing that gave me peace.

Just saying it like it is. It wasn't pretty, and it did pass (eventually - took a while). Imo it would have been disastrous to bury all that trauma ; it had to come out. It came out in a visceral, primal way - appropriately imo. No I didn't act out my fantasies but, oh my, they felt so gooood. I needed to do that.

I can't remember if you said you'd had some therapy but I would advise it: someone/somewhere safe to 'hold' you while you negotiate all this stuff. Don't bother with the nhs, there is no funding there ; look out eg Women's orgs /domestic abuse orgs / Women's Aid etc. Read up about domestic abuse (Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft) ; do the Freedom Programme: essential, wonderful course - go along to the groups, more powerful and affirming than doing it online. Look at their site, click 'find a course' to find a course near you. I wish every woman would do this course tbh.

Sorry if this sounds a bit heavy though

I agree with springydaffs that a haste to forgive too soon is unnatural and anger is a better response to having been abused for a long time. When you're realising that, processing it, assessing its legacy on your life, anger is a better response than forgiveness in the immediate aftermath. Later, when it no longer matters because your life is ok again, then it's appropriate to feel forgiveness but I think that immediate forgiveness could be borne out of feelings of having deserved being treated like that.

Sorry to flood the board here... But the very concept of 'forgiveness' was anathema to me for a long time. A long time.

I had to learn to 'let go' my intense rage. By let go I mean I had to - eventually, after I had fully purged the rage - to eg visualise putting down the rage bundle, even for a moment. I had to practise that. Only bcs it was good for ME. Bad for ME to be holding on to all that resentment, hate, anger.

And that had nothing, zero, to do with justice. I did not wish him well - are you kidding?!? I wished for JUSTICE. That his great crimes would have a consequence.

In the end there was a consequence. Pretty fucking heavy, frankly. I'm not saying what happened to him was a DIRECT consequence of what he did to me, no. But looking at it laterally, he got the duff ending. And how.

Just saying. No I'm not glad, as such, bcs by the time it came I no longer wanted or needed it. That ship had well and truly sailed by that point.

Any forgiveness is for YOUR benefit, YOUR peace of mind. It is certainly not for him.
I am not clear how it is achieved though.

Pooryorick - I agree, and I don't believe he will ever be happy, he'll always be looking for the next best thing

Thank you all for the book recommendations I will look them up.

I have fantasised about him suffering, but I couldn't handle that, it was too much hate for me to carry. I don't wish him well, but I don't wish him harm either.

The justice comment has hit the nail on the head, I do want justice. However, for now I will take the fact that people believe me. I slipped up and told one of his friends who I work with, he was shocked I had fallen for it and didn't question me. I believed me and told me to avoid him.

I am not ready to forgive him, I doubt I ever will be, I have thought about it and may have commented on here over it, but he doesn't deserve it so he doesn't get it. I feel better each day without putting pressure on myself to forgive him. I agree it would be for my good, and I don't believe there will be any good in it for me. He will rot in hell for what he's done and I for one will not be in the least bit sorry. Soon enough everyone in his life will see him for what he is and he will be completely alone. Whereas I will be happy and free and that is all I want.

I think it's so very hard when you have loved someone. it's like layers and layers of betrayal.
especially when they're just blithely getting on with their life and you're left to pick up the crumbling pieces.
It's a tough thing to get over. and maybe sometimes we don't really ever get over it. But we find new ways of living.
Not many people ever really get justice. it just doesn't exist in the way we want it to, I think