I want revenge

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That really.

How do I get over the feeling that I want my ex to suffer for what he's done to me.

He's in a relationship with OW, he's happy and here I am wondering if any man will ever take interest in me again.

I thought by going no contact and moving on I would get my revenge because I would be happy, but I'm not happy.

Please can anyone help. I did the right thing in leaving him behind, but I have nothing to show for it.

My ex got in a relationship after we broke up. I still haven't had one because I'm a single mum and don't have the time. This made me quite jealous

He has recently been sectioned because of the trauma of his new gf breaking up with him :D the fact he's suffering now makes me happy to have had a relatively stress free year (aside from toddler woes)

Just bide your time, it'll come

A laugh - that is very much on my mind, I won't stoop to that level. I don't get revenge in this situation. I recognise that.

I desperately want to stop hating him, he doesn't deserve any part of me let alone hate. It takes up so much energy.

At the moment I'm playing at being happy if I see him, which thankfully is rarely. I don't let him know how much I hate him, he doesn't deserve to know. I do want to work on myself right now and heal from all this, I want to move on and I agree that that is the best revenge.

I am definitely biding my time, as I've said I feel better right now and know I just have to patient, a leopard doesn't change his spots.

I'm glad you're doing well Thiswill

Lying - I'm sure tough love works for you and often it works for me too. If I'd read your post a day ago, it would have pushed me over the edge.
You weren't there when he refused to let me speak to a dr or a nurse on my own, you weren't there when he refused to let me tell my friends and family - playing on my fears. You weren't there when I changed my mind on the procedure I wanted and once we were out of the hospital he turned on me. You weren't there when I tried to change my mind and he left me sobbing on the settee for three hours to sit in another room because he was "too angry". You weren't there when we drove to the hospital and he told me I couldn't change my mind, or when he made me open my mouth to show I'd swallowed the tablet, or made me sit with him for an hour after incase I made myself sick. You weren't there when I had the second set of tablets and as soon as it started he fucked off to go get drunk. You weren't there. I accept it was my choice, however as I have said I was manipulated. He is a very controlling person and he controlled me very well. This isn't something that happened overnight, I was and still am scared of him and telling him no.

I've also said throughout my post that I know I don't get revenge but I hope he still gets what is coming to him. Because I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me. Likewise I listened to a pp saying that they don't believe in karma and why.

I am doing well right now, but your post about the abortion in particular really hurt me. You weren't there. You don't know. Not every woman makes that choice for herself.

I do however, appreciate your kind comments at the end of your post.

to lyingwitchinthewardrobe. There is a pill you can be given upto several weeks into an established pregnancy that does induce a miscarriage, which is entrirely different to the morning after pill (where the pregnancy is just theoretical).

Also, "choices" aren't easy to come by when dealing with men like this.

Please don't add to the OPs distress by minimising her experience at the hands of this abusive arsehole.

No she's talking about an abortion not the morning after pill.
Op, it's only been 4 months, all the people saying move on, forget it, get over it really pissed me off when I was going through it. As if that thought hadn't occurred to me, as if that's not what I wanted to do. As if somehow if I could magically forget the damage.
You have every right to be angry, sad and heartbroken. You can't just forget or get over it as much as you want to, you will, but it takes time, and work, that damage needs to be repaired.
It's natural to want justice, or revenge or karma. That's human nature. I still want my ex to get what he deserves. I don't actually wish for it like I used to but I'd be happy If I heard something.
You will get better. I promise you that, but give it more time. I was still a mess 4 months in. 18 months later I'm ok, I still have work to do but I'm a better person now. I have hope again.
Maybe talk to someone about the abortion, that's another layer of trauma that you need to deal with.
Like I said before. Fuck karma. You didn't deserve this x

Lying you clearly have no idea how an abortion in hospital works these days and seriously...You think that sounds like the morning after pill
You don't take the morning after pill when you know you are pregnant
Jesus Christ get some knowledge before you spout
Op I am sorry that this total cunt forced you into something you didn't want to do.
Perhaps a lot of your wanting of revenge is just to make him hurt as much as he's hurt you
The good thing is you're coming on here and venting. It's a safe place that you can do that.
And you're obviously not seeking revenge irl.

Wanting and seeking are not the same thing. We would all be lying if we didn't want someone else to feel the pain they have caused us.
It will ease. It will, it might take longer than you want it to.
Try not to force it. It's a long slow journey

You will, given time meet someone who shows you respect and loves you and doesn't intentionally hurt you.

I broke from my ex over two years ago, he totally destroyed me. So I can totally understand how your feeling. ( I cleaned the loonwith his toothbrush) made me feel better for all of 5 mins. What helps me, I know the real him, and the woman he is with now knows nothing, YET. But give it time and she will. Yes I'm single now, and it's took me time to get to where i am, BUT I'm not settling for second best anymore.

"but I have nothing to show for it"

It sounds like you have loads to show for it, if you compare your current situation to your previous one:

1. you don't live with an abusive man
2. you aren't being physically controlled
3. you have the whole of your future life (hopefully decades) to date, or marry, or not, as the whim takes you. Don't grab the first penis that waggles at you, for dear life - you can now take your time and hold out for someone really excellent in all the ways your ex really isn't.

You are right, he probably is enjoying having a new sex partner at the moment. But now she has all the disadvantages of existing in everyday life and having expectations of him, and is getting less novel by the day. If he doesn't enjoy those parts of a relationship, he is cursed, everything he creates with anyone he is initially attracted to will turn to dust and ashes for him if it is at all successful - whether he breaks up or sticks with this one hardly matters in that case.

Lying - I can assure it was an abortion, I was five weeks pregnant, the morning after pill is only given up to 72 hours are unprotected sex (I believe) please don't come on here with your own opinions, ask if you want, but I struggle enough with the abortion without having people deciding what I went through. I understand you're trying to help, but you're not helping.

Thank you all for you kind words, Thistle I've been thinking over what you said about karma over the last few days and I fully agree with you.

I am slowly developing the belief it will get better thanks to the many kind posters on here sharing their stories. Even if I stay single I am so much better off without him.

Best - when you break it down like that I really have got the better end of the deal.

I woke up happy today that hasn't happened in a long time. Normally I wake up ok, I'm taking this as a good sign.

They'll be Good days and bad days
I thought about revenge a lot, and by the time it came I didn't give a shit about them.
He's now constantly reliving those patterns
He hasn't learnt anything
You're a strong, clearly self aware and intelligent person so you don't have to repeat your patterns if they're not healthy for you! So in a way, if you learn from this and go on to have a happy healthy relationship with someone else then that is literally the best revenge.
It might just take longer than you want it to.
People who can jump from person to person with no reflection or time to themselves which is what he has done, will never truly be happy. I've seen it time and time again

I doubt he's with her because she's the love of his life, he just can't be on his own. My ex was like this.
1 divorce and 4 more failed relationships since he cheated. and he cheated on all of them btw
Guess what! He's still not happy

You're right, I do need to learn from this and should I find someone then I will be stronger for it and that will be my revenge.

He really can't be alone, he does jump from woman to woman.

I've spent today feeling peaceful, truly peaceful, I don't know where it's come from but I'm grateful for it. I hope this is the turning point.

I think that maybe it could be good to do some focused grieving for the circumstances surrounding the abortion. That must have been so hard and I'm not surprised you want revenge.

Thing is, something you said upthread resonated with me. I've also felt recently regarding my own betrayal from someone that it isn't 'fair' that I have to do this hard emotional work.

But looked at it from a different point of view...I'm capable of doing that work - and so are you. The very fact you are facing how you feel and trying to find a way to move on and find peace means you are doing a lot of tough, but ultimately very beneficial processing.

Can you try to find some things you're proud of from the last couple of months? How you are still here, still going and still trying to deal with things healthily despite his BS? How you are digging into a lot of strength and courage to get through this?

When you start to switch your thinking around from giving him all the power to recognising your own, things get easier.

And, constant looking on Facebook, as well focusing heavily on how unfair it is and also wanting him to get his comeuppance IS handing him power still. Why? Because unless you actively seek some form of revenge any badness that comes to him will be all to do with him and nothing to do with you. It may come tomorrow or in 5 years time.

Do you really want to give him any more energy and power waiting for it? Does he get even more of your life than he already took?

I think it's ok to be angry and it's ok to want revenge. I've had some moments where I've wanted to text or mail my ex with some good things I've achieved if only to say 'fuck you, you didn't break me' (He rather self-indulgently cried because he 'ruined my life' - when that was very far from the case, while also betraying me.)

But I realise that doing that would taint my achievements because again it would be handing power to him - power to react or not react, to be hurt by my actions or not.

I realised that I want to be ME, not a version of me that is so caught up in my exes energy that I have lost myself.

Maybe that mindset can work for you, too?

Also there is a website called 'baggage reclaim' which is really great, as well as 'chumplady' - Both are funny and wise and have some great advice.

Finally...something which really struck me is this focus on finding someone else. It would be a far better 'revenge' to be so fucking happy and sorted in yourself that when the special new person comes along (and they will) they are just a beautiful extra to your life.

How do you do focused grieving? I've not heard of that before

I could try to find positive things, another pp said about writing down how I'm feeling so maybe I could add this into that.

I can safely say I don't want to contact him, I don't need that feeling in the pit of my stomach when he does or doesn't reply.

I really do want to be me and not caught up in his energy, I'll look up those websites.

I'm so sick of letting him make me feel like this, I can't stop worrying about my meeting with him next week. I wish I never had to see him again, even though I'm feeling good today.

I had a few years of counselling when i split up with Ex. Partly because of my childhood but partly because I just couldn't get over the fact that he'd done that to DS1's childhood; I was wrathful to the point of feeling murderous when I discovered his affair (DS1 was a couple of months old at the time; typical cliche of 'you weren't paying me enough attention' etc).

The counselling helped enormously. I met now-DH after a year on my own and continued the counselling. It changed the way I looked at everything, let go of the image of what DS1's childhood should have been, reassessed my own boundaries, worked out what I needed and when I met DH, I was savvy about everything and took the time to build a life based on trust and mutual respect.

My revenge is a life well-lived; DH and I have another DC together. We have a happy marriage and live a pretty lucky life together. I don't wish any harm on Ex; we get on well now. But those first few months were vile watching him parade DS1 about with the OW as though they were a family. I know she never trusted him, I know he always regretted that he's missed out on so much of DS1's childhood, I know that when DH and I got engaged Ex said to me "I've really lost you, haven't I?" and that the best 'revenge' was just moving on.

I have had counselling but I found I felt worse after it, so I stopped going, maybe I should start going again - if that's an option.

I do think the overwhelming response from this thread is I get my revenge by being happy and moving on, now I need to find out what that looks like. Today isn't such a peaceful day, but I am sure I'll get there, yesterday filled me with such hope.

Op, I had the same method as you when I had an abortion in my early twenties.

I know exactly what you went through. Those tablets basically bring on a miscarriage, its horrific. What an utter cunt. Remind yourself how low he'll go and it will help.

I find it hard to think of the final stage of the abortion, it hurts too much. Although yes, if I do remember that then it'll remind me how much of a prick he is.

I can't believe I fell for it, I hate myself for it. I regret everything about that time. I wish he would take responsibility for his actions.

I can't explain how much those you who have believed me has helped me. I didn't think anyone would. I tend to just say it was a messy breakup in real life.

Thank you, all.

an abortion is a tough thing to come to terms with, if your heart wasn't really in it, and you felt forced into a decision you didn't want to make. But please try not to hate yourself, be kind to yourself. Imagine one of us came on here and told you what you had to go through, would you think they should hate themselves? or would you feel compassion and empathy for them. Feel that for yourself

I would seriously consider going back to therapy. I know you said it made it worse, but perhaps you didn't see someone you fitted you well. I think if you can afford it, it's worth going to a few and be upfront with them and say you need to find someone that you think can help you, it's their job!

sorry really bad grammar and sentence structure there!!!

I wish I could feel 100% ok with my decision, but I don't think I ever will. I don't hate myself for the abortion, I wasn't very clear sorry. I hate myself for falling for his tricks and lies. I wish I had been strong enough to say no and say I was keeping the baby.

I will look into therapy again, even if it means going private I think it's something I need to do.

Dear op, I had an abortion too and my ex was controlling too...and I felt that hate too. It's gut wrenching and you'll need to be very kind to yourself about how long it takes to move on.

If it's any use, re FB it helped me to realise that I was upset because I was imagining him giving her that special treatment that those kinds of men are so good at in the beginning. Look up lovebombing if you haven't heard of it. It's just a way to hook you and has no depth. It won't last she isn't somehow better than you.

Also, if she needs to convince people how happy she is online then she's either massively immature or deluded or both.

So...you need my "wall" technique. Imagine an invisible wall between you and them that prevents you even imagining them. What would the result be and work backwards from there. I know that sounds weird bare with me! If you were physically unable to imagine them in your head..what would your life look like day to day? Make a list. In my case:
I'd never look at them on social media
I'd have loads of spare energy for dating
I'd take my time and meet someone really special (because there'd be no pressure to move on)
I'd tell myself nice things about myself (or at least wouldn't compare myself to anyone else)
...you see what I mean. Then do those things. It works but you have to be firm about social media, it's poison in this situation. Being kind yo yourself is not drinking poison.

Again, don't imagine they're living soe idyllic happy ever after. Controlling abusive people just don't get those. They just pretend to. Being bad to other people kind of prevents you getting to true love. No need for karma in a way. His personality is the karma.

He is definitely love bombing her, if her fb posts have any amount of truth in them he's playing her exactly the same way he played me in the beginning.

I like the wall technique. I will try that.

I really do believe a leopard doesn't change his spots and so I am sure that she'll see his true side soon.

I need to snap out of this I know, but it's so damn painful!

They may be happy now but remember...

OW knows she's with a cheater and it could happpen any time.

Ex also knows that he's with a women who has no moral compass and could cheat on him at any time.

One day one of them will screw the other over.

But you'll find a man who just wants you in his bed and his heart.

What could be better revenge than letting them lie in their beds and go through what you did, whilst you are truly happy ?

OW didn't know the full extent of my relationship with my ex at the beginning (I told her when I realised what was happening) she's thick as shit yes, but I don't believe she's truly a cheat, she's a nice person, she'd fuck over her friends as soon as look at them it appears (different friend, we weren't friends), but she's nice enough.

Ex will cheat, he will treat her like shit and she will find herself in this same position although hopefully without the abortion. I think then she'll realise I was telling her the truth and she'll have to accept she was wrong. That (rather cruelly) gives me some peace.

I so look forward to meeting a man who will treat me well, I have to accept that will be my revenge and that when I get my revenge I won't really care that I've got it. I guess it will take longer than I want it to, but at least I'll be whole again when it happens.

I realise my last post sounds like I'm blaming her, I'm not. I do want her to realise I was telling the truth and she ignored me though.

I blame ex fully for all this. He did this. He's the one that's broken, not OW.