Partner won't have sex with me.

[Vada83]

Hello, I can't sleep because this is playing on my mind like crazy.
I have been friends with this guy for nine years, at the start he flirted and it was sexual. We then kind of become partners but no sex or anything remotely sexual.
We have spoken about this because I bring it up a lot but he tells me that he feels he isn't good at it and he feels very uncomfortable. I have asked him if anything has happened to him to make him feel this way he has said no. I asked him tonight about what sexual things does he think of, he become cross and more or less let me apologise for asking him such a personal question. I have never been in this situation before. I get make attention but just not from the man I love. I feel like I'm such a beast why won't he go near me.?

Well done OP, please stay strong! Xxx

Oh sweetie how awful for you . You deserve so much better. He is not your partner at all and is treating you more like a best friend . I do believe you would be better walking away and finding someone who really loves you and can fullfill all your needs (these men do exist ) xx

I think it's probably because he doesn't really think this is the end

This

He thinks you are weak and needy and will come crawling back to him for some kind if validation.

I wasted almost 9 years of my youth on a twat too. But I learned from it and moved on and now have a loving, respectful DP.
The sadness will fade, then you will get angry, then you will forgive yourself for being a mug and let it all go.

He is no friend though. Has no genuine concern for your feelings and if you let him stick around he will continue to fuck with your mental health.

Be strong op. You will look back in a few years and thank the stars you got out of this shit situation.

Ijustwannadance- thank you. I agree with you I would not have done this to him and I do feel I have given all I possibly can but have nothing more to give and feel heartbroken it hasn't changed and he remains to not care at all. I would rather be alone then wait around for someone to like me. I do love him and I will miss him but he really seem to be ok with walking away, he agreed he needed help but when I mentioned therapy he agreed but he won't seek help because he doesn't want to change enough. I am upset because I expected him to question my decision or for him to say he would seek help but he just said he understood and that I deserved better. I think I need to spend this time seeking my own therapy as I do understand I have my own issues to stay when he doesn't treat me very well and I stay because I don't feel good enough for better treatment. I am very thankful for everyone's views on my issues and this has helped me see things more clearly. Thank you very much.

It's not your fault. He knew you were vulnerable and has been throwing you scraps of affection all these years and pretending to get upset if you dare question it or have an opinion of your own.

Yes, get counselling or therapy. You need to work on your self esteem so you are no longer dependent on getting it from a man and strong enough to not let anyone else take it away again.

Wow - that response you got after you talked to him. wow oh wow - he's a piece of work. The way you feel after that 'non' response? - is exactly how he wants you to feel. Confused and distressed that he doesn't seem to mind that much - makes it more difficult doesn't it? You've been check mated, this guy is far far clever than you are (in a bad way).

And if it isn't this?? if that's how he really feels? Then hear the words of Maya Angelou "He's shown you who he is - believe him". Either way you cannot win. So lose, let go of trying to make it right - grieve - and walk through it a day at a time till you are on the other side. If you can, try and get some therapy to help you understand what has been going on here and what your part in this script is.

I've just read your thread through. I'm so sorry you're hurting but you've done the right thing totally. I couldn't imagine a loving relationship without sex unless you both agreed. You must feel totally rejected both during the relationship and tonight. I don't think he's asexual given what you've said but he's clearly got huge issues with his sexuality and he should have been open with you about them. 9 years is a long time to live like this.

However... you are young! You will go through grief, guilty and even anger (with me it was anger at myself for staying too long). Things really will get better and you will find a lovely man who wants nothing more than to have sex with you. Take some time out first though and get used to being on your own. That way when you do meet someone you won't 'need' them, you'll just be happy to spend time with them.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now though

I don't think he's your partner ...

You need to go on a healthy normal date. With someone else of course.

None of this is your fault. You gave it your best shot, hoped he would change and acknowledge your needs and not just his own,. But he he has shown how selfish he is and has made no effort, not ever, not once, to address his own issues.

Do not regret trying, or loving, but take courage and move on!