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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't have sex with me.

136 replies

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 00:31

Hello, I can't sleep because this is playing on my mind like crazy.
I have been friends with this guy for nine years, at the start he flirted and it was sexual. We then kind of become partners but no sex or anything remotely sexual.
We have spoken about this because I bring it up a lot but he tells me that he feels he isn't good at it and he feels very uncomfortable. I have asked him if anything has happened to him to make him feel this way he has said no. I asked him tonight about what sexual things does he think of, he become cross and more or less let me apologise for asking him such a personal question. I have never been in this situation before. I get make attention but just not from the man I love. I feel like I'm such a beast why won't he go near me.?

OP posts:
terrylene · 31/05/2017 10:22

This is not right. If he was going to 'change' he would have done it early in the relationship.

He is just keeping you where he wants you, but goodness knows why Confused it does not seem mutually beneficial at all.

KungFuEric · 31/05/2017 10:22

Please don't waste more of your life on a man who doesn't care about you.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 10:24

He masturbates in the same bed as you?

icanteven · 31/05/2017 10:26

Hi Vada,

You sound completely lovely, but you are not in a relationship with him in the sense of a sexual/romantic relationship. He is almost certainly gay, and your description of what sex was like with him in the beginning kind of fits that. For whatever reason he is not comfortable with that, and would rather present himself as straight to the world, but he is dragging you down with this.

You are effectively single and pretending to be his girlfriend, and if you want to be in a normal and happy relationship, you should make it clear to him that you are not together in any sense at all, and that you can't see him again.

There is definitely somebody (more than one somebody!) out there who thinks that you are hotness personified, and is dying to go out with you, have sex with you and have a normal, lovely relationship with you. You just have to cut this guy loose and go out and find him.

BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 10:28

wow he has strung you along all this time and when you ask about sex he accuses you of not being supportive of him!!

It's not you, it's him.

Either he is gay and very suppressed about it, or he does not want a sexual relationship - not just with you but he does not want a sexual relationship with anyone.

You really need to cut him loose and reclaim yourself from this OP. This "relationship" is all about him and what he wants - and what he wants is NOT what you want. Time to start prioritizing your own life Vada

sadsquid · 31/05/2017 10:30

To be honest he has been quite upfront about what he wants. He wants a sexless relationship. I rather suspect he's asexual (as far as I know some asexual people do masturbate for the physical sensation but don't feel sexual desire for other people - and I imagine it's extremely common for asexual people to start out having sex because it's expected and normal, before they realise they really don't want to).

It's nothing you're doing wrong, but he's not going to change. He's been clear for a long time about who he is and what he wants. You want something very different and the lack of sex is making you unhappy. You're massively incompatible in a key area and I think you're going to have to end the relationship - it's that or no sex for the rest of your life, unless the two of you could negotiate an open relationship and that's not easily done.

Blueskyrain · 31/05/2017 10:31

It doesn't sound to me like he's gay, but he's almost certainly assexual. He wants to have a romantic relationship with you, but has no urge for sex. Some men can have an urge to masturbate, but not have sex, which I find baffling, but then again I'm not assexual so I really don't understand. Seemingly he is capable of having sex, but he has to really push himself to do it, rather than it being a desire - hence him having to get drunk first.

He is being very unfair on you though in not having an honest conversation about sex with you. There's nothing wrong with him being assexual, but most people are not, and if he's in a relationship with you, then he needs to be honest with you about what role he sees sex taking, so you can decide whether or not you want to stay.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:31

To answer your question Dame, yes he used to masturbate instead of having sex. The first few times he did it I wasn't sure what was going on and I would be very upset after he did it but I didn't say anything but I told him the last time he did that which was years ago now he can't do this to me. We would be kissing and things seemed to look like he would go to have sex but instead just masturbate on me and then go to sleep. After I told him not to keep doing this as it made me feel worthless he stopped.

OP posts:
messofajess · 31/05/2017 10:34

Hunny nooooo this isn't you at all. Not one tiny bit. I think this has been going on for so long that you don't see it for what it really is anymore - it feels normal to you. Its not. You two are not compatible for a relationship and you need to tell him that and he needs to leave you alone and find someone who is asexual.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:35

I just read a little about Aesexual which I didn't know anything about before so thank you for letting me know about this. He fits a lot of these things. He has said he hasn't been interested in sex really and isn't sure if he even likes it. He didn't tell me any of this until far down the line and when I knew that things had not been right. I have stopped contact before but when I stopped contact he ups his contact and sends me messages over and over again saying that he loves me and he can't live without me and this goes on until I start contact up again and he then acts like nothing went on. I really want to break free from this.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 10:37

Omg, that's so disgusting and disrespectful!Shock

Why do you think you're not worth more than this, he sounds absolutely awful? I would want nothing more to do with him.

I don't think there's anyone who would be happy with that, seriously, why are you wasting your time and energy on this man?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 10:38

He's not asexual. He's a nasty bastard.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 10:39

I can't get over the fact apparently he's not interested in sex but he'll wank on you then go to sleep.

messofajess · 31/05/2017 10:41

DameDiazepam like an old dirty sock. Its so mean

ijustwannadance · 31/05/2017 10:44

He found you at an incredibly vulnerable time. When your self esteem would've alrwady been low. You had just had a baby so he probably thought you wouldn't pester him for another. Almost like you were targeted.

This situation only benefits him. He gets his needs met and the illusion of anormal relationship to friends and family so he never has to explain himself.

He is using you. He is neither your lover or a friend. You are still young enough to find someone who loves you properly and have more children. Luckily you aren't living together so at least you have your own home.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2017 10:46

ffs!!!. He was masturbating on you instead of having sex?!! Get out. End it. Now. Tell him it's over today. Find someone who can enter a normal loving relationship.

You can support someone when they seek help. But not for nine years. He's gay. Or he's fucked up. Or both.

MoominFlaps · 31/05/2017 10:47

He's not asexual.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:47

Yes he did do that I would think he was going to do something else and he would then do that. He did it a few times before I stopped him but the sex was the same, it starts if what seems to be living but then it jumps right to the act itself and then he goes to sleep. Once I told him I felt worthless him doing this he stopped altogether and wouldn't even allow me to touch him at all like my punishment for telling him I didn't like it. He won't touch me at all but he used to want me to send him photos which I always found weird as he could have the real thing but would rather use the photo for masturbation. I love him I just don't like the fact he will not talk to me about it and he gets so pissed off with me that I feel I'm being punished for days.

OP posts:
YellowPaisley · 31/05/2017 10:50

OP the more you update it's sending shivers down my spine. Please leave him, you can't spend your life like this. He sounds awful

Maudlinmaud · 31/05/2017 10:50

Op I shuddered reading that he does that to you. That could be a normal part of a sexual relationship for many people but without the other physical side of a relationship it's definitely not healthy.
I hope you see this now and this thread helps you to leave him.Flowers

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:51

Why would someone be like this? He said he was with his ex for six years. I asked him to go to therapy with me before we think about moving in together he said yes but now pretends I didn't mention it. Could be still in love with his ex, and because of this not wanting to touch me?

OP posts:
MoominFlaps · 31/05/2017 10:52

You need to stop questioning why. It's been 9 years.

Get out of this relationship.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:56

I have really appreciate all of everyone's views and advice I really had. I have never told anyone about what happens behind closed doors and I feel so much lighter for doing it. I know that it's not heathy and I'm cross with myself for putting up with something I'm unhappy with. I stayed because I didn't want to not support him if it's normal to be that way and I was being selfish. I do want to be with someone who wants me and who doesn't get angry with me every time I try and flirt with him. Thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 11:01

He is not a nice man, nice men, actually even half decent men don't do this. What he is doing is actually very aggressive.

Run.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 11:06

It doesn't matter why he's like this ( I bet he's a heavy porn user though) you just need to protect yourself and stay well away.

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