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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't have sex with me.

136 replies

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 00:31

Hello, I can't sleep because this is playing on my mind like crazy.
I have been friends with this guy for nine years, at the start he flirted and it was sexual. We then kind of become partners but no sex or anything remotely sexual.
We have spoken about this because I bring it up a lot but he tells me that he feels he isn't good at it and he feels very uncomfortable. I have asked him if anything has happened to him to make him feel this way he has said no. I asked him tonight about what sexual things does he think of, he become cross and more or less let me apologise for asking him such a personal question. I have never been in this situation before. I get make attention but just not from the man I love. I feel like I'm such a beast why won't he go near me.?

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 16:27

The level of disrespect he shows you I find really disturbing.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 16:36

He will be around at my house at 6:00 so I will speak with him to tell him I need the contact to stop because I'm unhappy with this treatment. I feel like things are less hopeless after coming on here. I know stopping the contact will be extremely difficult but I can't live feeling this way. Thank you for all your help, I will post after with an update.

OP posts:
BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 16:44

I'll be walking home from work and 6pm and will send you empowering vibes!

By stopping contact with him you will opening yourself up to a whole world of new possibilities that aren't available to you while you are with him!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 17:04

Good luck, stay strong, you are worth SO much more than this xxx

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 17:04

Oh God, I gave you kisses, sorryBlush

Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 17:19

When you say you are going to step back and cut contact, what does that mean? Is that the same as ending the relationship as you don't seem to be saying that?

ijustwannadance · 31/05/2017 17:30

He told you this morning he found you attractive and beautiful to shut you up and close down any further discussions. He doesn't mean it.

Please don't cut contact just because you think it will somehow magically make him want to have sex and a proper relationship.
HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. NOT EVER.

End it. You deserve to be loved and have a family with someone who actually wants you.

ijustwannadance · 31/05/2017 17:32

I also think you should confide in a real life friend. They will no doubt be shocked but it will help stop you going back to him and brushing it under the carpet.

rosabug · 31/05/2017 18:25

You have to identify that you are hanging on to hope and kill it. This guy is seriously dangerous to you. And you know what? I think somewhere down the line he will meet someone else and miraculously have a sex life with her - leaving you crushed (until the pattern begins again with her). I have had similar experience - though no where as clear cut as yours. This guy has passive aggressive personality disorder - and he can't change. He's knifing you under the table at every move. He knew what he was doing when he told you he found you attractive just before he left today - do not fall for it. JUDGE HIM BY HIS ACTIONS ALONE AND NOT HIS WORDS. Please leave for your sanity and your childs - you will be unwittingly passing this pattern onto them.

lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/the-boomerang-relationship/

rosabug · 31/05/2017 18:26

p.s - I wish you all the luck and strength you need and deserve!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 19:48

Please don't cut contact just because you think it will somehow magically make him want to have sex and a proper relationship
HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. NOT EVER

I think that is really, really good advice and very true.

I also agree about telling a friend, I think once you say the words out loud it will take his power away and make you stronger and also see just what a nasty bit of work he really is.

BlondeB83 · 31/05/2017 19:55

It sounds like he is A-sexual. I'm surprised it's taken you all this time to work that out though. Hmm

BlondeB83 · 31/05/2017 19:56

Asexual - autocorrect added a -

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 20:17

Update he came and we spoke and I brought up how I felt and how his behaved towards me and I love him but my needs are never met. He more or less agreed and said he understood. Which in a way hurt more because he didn't seem shocked that I am walking away. He said he wanted us to remain friends but agreed he couldn't give me the love I need. He apologised which made me even more upset I'm not sure why. So I feel these nine years have been a waste of time. I feel so rejected I know this is my fault and I know I should have walked away before but I still feel so rejected and sad I know it's the right thing but I still feel sad.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 20:52

Urghh,he's done it again, made you feel shit with all his passive aggressive shit.

I cannot say this strongly enough - DO NOT REMAIN FRIENDS WITH HIM,because friends do NOT treat you like this.

Not surprised you feel sad,I imagine that'll go on for a while yet but keep reminding yourself you deserve more than this. BrewCake

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 20:54

Blonde he is not asexual,people who are asexual do not wank on their partners.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 20:54

Blonde- I didn't know what Aesexual was until now. I always believed it was because of me.

OP posts:
BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 20:56

Yes the last 9 years have been a waste or time. It's up to you not to waste another moment of your life with this guy.

Surely you've "been friends" these last 9 years? And he has been a rubbish and very damaging friend to you.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 20:57

He did make me feel shit by how easy it was for him to walk away, despite him treating me this way we see each other daily, and our life's are very joint in the way his always around but now it will be difficult for me as he won't be around. I did delete his number to stop myself texting him. He didn't fight for anything he said he understood which was worse in a way.

OP posts:
Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 21:00

He might have walked away quietly but be prepared because he is likely to come back. Have a plan for what you are going to do and say and stick to it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 21:01

I think it's probably because he doesn't really think this is the end.

BlondeB83 · 31/05/2017 21:01

Dame - I missed the wanking bit, sorry!

BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 21:02

Well time will tell. But hopefully he will finally show you some respect and leave you alone.

Your going through a process. You might feel rubbish now but you are creating a space in your life for new people and experiences.

Keep posting here.

BlondeB83 · 31/05/2017 21:04

Sounds like you need a clean break! There are lots of good men out there!

KimmySchmidt1 · 31/05/2017 21:04

He has a serious sexual problem for which he needs to seek professional help. You do not have to give up your need for a real adult relationship in order to 'support' him. He is manipulating you. You were not put on this planet to exist solely to support that man no matter how he behaves. You are losing years of your life to someone who is refusing to try to change. Break up. If he loves you he will try to change or seek help. You might get back together, but the current situation is unacceptable.