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Original poster

Partner won't have sex with me.

136 replies

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 00:31

Hello, I can't sleep because this is playing on my mind like crazy.
I have been friends with this guy for nine years, at the start he flirted and it was sexual. We then kind of become partners but no sex or anything remotely sexual.
We have spoken about this because I bring it up a lot but he tells me that he feels he isn't good at it and he feels very uncomfortable. I have asked him if anything has happened to him to make him feel this way he has said no. I asked him tonight about what sexual things does he think of, he become cross and more or less let me apologise for asking him such a personal question. I have never been in this situation before. I get make attention but just not from the man I love. I feel like I'm such a beast why won't he go near me.?

OP posts:
MiniAlphaBravo · 31/05/2017 09:43

It's not your stretch marks at all! I don't have a perfect body but my husband still wants to have sex and we still enjoy it. This isn't fair on you. He's asked you to stick around but do you want to? I think he needs therapy as he must have a deep seated issue. It's really not you it sounds like it's him.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2017 09:44

It's not you, don't be ridiculous.

He's either gay or he has serious hang ups. Either way you can't change it, he doesn't want to change it, and if you want more you can't spend any more time in the relationship. Don't be thinking it's you thoug,,,it's not.

WrittenandGrown · 31/05/2017 09:46

It's not the way you look. It's him.

ElspethFlashman · 31/05/2017 09:46

He's gay. He's as gay as a very gay thing.

You are 10000% wasting your time.

ijustwannadance · 31/05/2017 09:47

Ffs just bloody leave. It's got fuck all to do with your stretch marks!!! He is either gay or asexual and is using you as cover. Gaslighting you into feeling bad for even mentioning it.

If you want a loving, sexual relationship and children, then leave now before he wastes any more of your life.

9 years?! Just wow.

Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 09:48

You don't really think it's to do with your stretch marks do you? Honestly it's not that. It's him and his own issues whatever they are. There are many threads on here about men with low sex drives/asexual. I must say, how does he realistically think he is going to have children?

rosabug · 31/05/2017 09:49

This man has serious serious issues. Possibly he is passive aggressive and is actually managing the distance between you and torturing you as well, ensuring your 'attachment'. It's nothing about you that is stopping him, don't take on self-blame or criticism to 'explain' his position. There is only one answer - get out and get out now. I mean it - you need to set yourself free - this will not get any better, he will not move from his position. People with these sorts of problems feed and rely on partners with low self esteem. Get out and attend to those parts of yourself.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 09:50

last night I tried to talk to him. i tried to ask him how he feels about sex and what he thinks of. He become really cross and told me that " I knew he finds it difficult why was I asking" he then went on for a bit on how not supporting I am because I try and kiss him and don't leave it as that. The awful bit is he seemed to have sexual relationships before me, including one night stands so why is he not going near me. He can even have a shower with me and I can try for more but he won't touch me at all. He acts like it's me and I'm asking for too much. Nine years feels like a long time but I do love him but I just can't keep feeling like I'm lower then low.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/05/2017 09:54

Honestly we can't shout it loud enough. ITS NOT YOU.

It's him. I strongly suspect he's gay. And firmly in the closet. I doubt he had meaningful sexual relationships before, and not with a woman.

How dare he say you're not supportive after nine years. What about your needs? How is he supporting you? And what's he doing about his "problem"

Nothing I bet, because he's gay and he knows he's gay.

Get out, you're his beard.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 09:54

Thank you all so much for giving me this advice. When I wrote my post last night I was very upset and felt awful, so thank you so much it's greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 31/05/2017 09:54

It won't ever change and you will feel worse and worse. So you have to decide whether to continue or not. You are most definitely not in a partnership as things stand even if you both pretend you are.

Do you want to be in a pretend relationship where you cannot touch your partner without him flinching?

Walk away and seek happiness elsewhere, this has already gone on way too long.

Caselgarcia · 31/05/2017 09:55

He isn't taking your feelings and needs into account is he? It's all about how he feels and how he isn't feeling supported. What about you? All you want is a normal living relationship, nothing unreasonable

Caselgarcia · 31/05/2017 09:56

Loving not living

AhYerWill · 31/05/2017 09:58

Stop letting this man fuck with your self esteem. This is all him, not you, and he's being a shit for blaming you for his issues and making it your fault. Love is not staying with someone that refuses to discuss issues and blames you for his problems, whilst wrecking your self esteem. Love is being with someone that makes you feel strong and smart and beautiful and who you know has your back.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:00

We spoke about the "gay thing" and he said he wasn't and finds women attractive and not men. He tells me the reason why he doesn't want sex or like it very much is because it stresses him out. He said that he feels his awful at it and that I won't be happy with it and leave. I told him that didn't make sense because I am not happy with no contact but I stayed. These last few years have been even colder. I remember the sex in the start was so cold and I remember saying to him I felt used after as he would just do it not allow me to do anything and then go to sleep. Almost aggressive in a way. Once I told him I was unhappy with how it was and that he always seems to be drunk when we had sex it made me feel dirty. He stopped altogether. I have tried everything, I have done everything but nothing makes him want to touch me. I feel like I don't want this anymore.

OP posts:
SpringTown46 · 31/05/2017 10:02

It isn't you. It's him. And, if he genuinely loved you, he'd would stop being so bloody selfish and let you go, wishing you well.

He likes the company and possibly the public persona of being a couple. The status quo.

Why are you pursuing this? Time to cut your losses. Get out. Get out there. There is someone who will genuinely love you, want you mentally and physically. Make yourself open to new possibilities because this one is a dud.

SaltySalt · 31/05/2017 10:03

"You're not supporting" as an answer isn't good enough anymore. Ask him, supporting him with what exactly? How old are you both? You deserve more than this.

DJBaggySmalls · 31/05/2017 10:04

Contact Womens Aid and take their Freedom program. It might help you to take a step back and get some perspective. Nothing about this situation is healthy.
You want a normal relationship and he doesnt, he wants the appearance of one.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:07

I didn't want to write this before but I want to say now. He masturbates I know this and he used to masturbate instead of the sex, so as you think things are about to happen he would just do that, then go to sleep and that's it. Once I told him he was using me like a tissue he stopped. what is asexual? Just not want sex? But he masturbates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:08

I'm 32 and his 39

OP posts:
Rhodiolia · 31/05/2017 10:08

There is a guy out there who would love every inch of your body, who would want to touch you and have you touch him, who loves your every fibre, who respects you and wants to make you happy. It isn't this guy however, so please don't waste another second with him. You have only one life, please spend it with someone more worthy of you.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:10

Thank you so much for all of your views. I feel so much stronger now, and feel less gross with myself.

OP posts:
MoominFlaps · 31/05/2017 10:10

Why are you staying in this? This isn't a relationship. Do you have any children? Do you want any children?

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 10:14

I have a child. He met me 9 years ago when I just gave birth and my husband left me for another women. He was so supportive. I would have moved in with him years ago if it wasn't that I'm a mother and I don't want to make a mistake which involves my child. I really wanted another baby years ago really badly he said he did also but the sex wasn't happening and I would bring it up a lot maybe every three months or so and he would say he wants children. I think if I told him I want a baby now he would just have sex with me as to get it out of the way, it's like I'm dirty or something. I don't want a baby to be born like that.

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 31/05/2017 10:16

End it and end it soon, this isn't a relationship. Clean break and concentrate on yourself and your needs, you don't have to be in a relationship and certainly not one like this.