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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't have sex with me.

136 replies

Vada83 · 31/05/2017 00:31

Hello, I can't sleep because this is playing on my mind like crazy.
I have been friends with this guy for nine years, at the start he flirted and it was sexual. We then kind of become partners but no sex or anything remotely sexual.
We have spoken about this because I bring it up a lot but he tells me that he feels he isn't good at it and he feels very uncomfortable. I have asked him if anything has happened to him to make him feel this way he has said no. I asked him tonight about what sexual things does he think of, he become cross and more or less let me apologise for asking him such a personal question. I have never been in this situation before. I get make attention but just not from the man I love. I feel like I'm such a beast why won't he go near me.?

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 31/05/2017 11:08

Stop bloody looking for reasons for it to be your fault!!!

HE IS NEVER, EVER GOING TO WANT A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU AND HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOUR EMOTIONAL WELLBEING.

You haven't told anyone in real life because you think they will also think it's you. He bloody knows this too.

Chillidawg · 31/05/2017 11:11

Nine years is long enough for you to support him. Stop living on this one-way street. You're 32, not 72.
There's no point in going over and over WHY. He needs to go off and sort out his own WHY.
For a woman in her 30s, with children past the toddler stage, her sex life should be exciting and fulfilling and sometimes surprising! In my 30s I was a bit flabby, scarred from surgery, stretch-marks everywhere, bitten down nails, hair going through a frizzy stage, and I had the best sex life I've ever had from 33-35, with a lovely man.
You are not unattractive or undesirable. It's not you, it's HIM.
Please break this off, firmly and definitely, and get on with your life.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 11:16

I thought for a long time he was with someone else so I checked his history on his I pad and I found no porn, just boring stuff. I have asked him to talk to me when he gets home from work and I will tell him I need a break away and I will step back and stop contact. I have done this before but I feel in a better place to step away now.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 31/05/2017 11:21

Sounds like you have finally reached your limit op. Flowers

noova61 · 31/05/2017 11:21

He wants you but he doesnt want you....he wants to keep you hanging on for his benefit....he has no respect for you as a woman or as a "partner"...you have wasted 9yrs of your life with this man in the hope he will change...he hasnt and he wont. You have the rest of your life ahead of you without him...do yourself a mahoosive favour and get rid of him...this "relationship" is going nowhere and never will.

StormTreader · 31/05/2017 11:22

"I have stopped contact before but when I stopped contact he ups his contact and sends me messages over and over again saying that he loves me and he can't live without me and this goes on until I start contact up again and he then acts like nothing went on."

I would have been replying to all these with "if you cant live without me then you need to be honest with me about what the sex issue is and what youre willing to do to fix it, because I'm not interested in going back to a relationship with no sex life."

BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 11:24

It doesn't matter why hes does it - there are no solutions for you down that road.

He does it. he doesn't listen to you. He will make it very difficult for you to break away as you suit his needs (whatever they may be).

But you must end this for your own happiness. I agree it is reading like he targeted you when you were at a very vulnerable point in your life and has been manipulating you for his own purposes every since.

You deserve much much more than this OP.

gamerchick · 31/05/2017 11:26

You've put up with this for 9 years? Seriously?

You're young, don't waste your 30s like you have your 20s on this person. You'll regret the 20s as it is.

BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 11:40

"I have stopped contact before but when I stopped contact he ups his contact and sends me messages over and over again saying that he loves me and he can't live without me and this goes on until I start contact up again and he then acts like nothing went on."

It does sound like you will have to completely break all contact and block him. past forms shows he will just continue to harass you until he gets his way.

Please realise how this behaviour means he has no respect for you, your needs, your life, your desires whatsoever.

rosabug · 31/05/2017 11:52

This is covert abuse. He's transferring/projecting his own self - disgust onto you. For god's sake get out.

SecondMrsAshwell · 31/05/2017 13:19

I speak as someone who has not survived this. And I do mean that I haven't survived it.

What is the worst thing about unrequited love? Not that it is not returned, the worst thing is that you are not allowed to express your love in a way that everyone else is able to.

This is aversion therapy of the most brutal kind - you reach out a hand and have it slapped. You utter a word of love and are met with a blank look.

This will eat your soul like acid. This will destroy you.

Leave. Block.

rosabug · 31/05/2017 13:48

I agree with mrsashwell. But I beg to differ - it's not aversion therapy - it's called 'partial reinforcement'. Back in the 60's they did experiments on baby monkeys. They made a fake mum monkey dummy and wired electricity through it. The babies who got an electric shock every time they went for a cuddle eventually gave up. But the babies who sometimes got a shock and sometimes didn't, couldn't give up, they were trapped in a never ending cycle of partial reinforcement. So next time you hear yourself going over the nice or positive things he says and does that 'confuse' you and keep you stuck - remember this.

SecondMrsAshwell · 31/05/2017 14:00

Bloody hell. How can anyone do that to a baby anything?

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/05/2017 14:22

He is a literal wanker. You're not 'supportive of him' is complete bollocks, from what you've said you've been nothing BUT supportive. So when you ask for a little more (and nothing outrageous, just a normal, loving, sexual relationship) he pulls the 'tears and accusations' card?

Honestly OP, this is friends without benefits of any kind at all. Find yourself a lovely guy and leave this one to his solitary joyless fapping.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 14:34

SecondMrsAshwell: thank you you are 100% right this is how the 9 years have been. I didn't want another bad relationship so I kept trying which I understand is a waste of time and pointless. It's just as you said you offer love and he always allows it to a point and anything too loving I get told off and then punished in s way because he pretends he hasn't been mean to me.

OP posts:
terrylene · 31/05/2017 15:21

It is coz you try hard and want to please. You want it to work, so think you make it happen by trying harder. He just wants to keep making you try harder. Throws the odd crumb to keep you going. Maybe it boosts his ego?

It shouldn't be that hard. Sometimes, it should be really easy.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 15:38

You are 100% right I have been living off the few crumbs he throws me and this is not something I'd want to continue. I have asked to talk to him when he gets home. I do want to step away from this.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 31/05/2017 15:45

Good luck. Please don't let him sweet talk you. You know he will try and it will be the same bullshit all over again then you'll be back to square one.

PaintingOwls · 31/05/2017 15:50

Dear OP there is nothing to talk about. He isn't going to want to fuck you if you talk about it. He will just gaslight you and blame you and all the usual shit be throws your way.

You need to end it.

BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 15:59

Good luck OP.

But do be aware that when he tries to talk you around (and it seems he will), that you don't have to argue with him, you don't have to listen to him if he whines on and one and pesters you. You can absolutely say your bit and them have no further discourse with him on the subject. You don't have to reach a place of mutual agreement about your relationship.

Knowing that you don't have to argue or discuss it (until he gets his way) is very powerful.

You can end the relationship - you don't need his approval or agreement or his rubber stamping of your decision. You are perfectly entitled and able to decide this for yourself.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/05/2017 16:14

Yes he will try and talk you round,but you don't have to explain anything in detail,just that you don't want to see him anymore.

I think a couple of weeks from now you will look back and wonder what on earth you've been doing for the last 9 years.

SweetLuck · 31/05/2017 16:17

He will try and talk you round.

One thing that helped me when leaving my DH was when someone on Mumsnet said... 'You dont need his permission to leave.' Up until then I kind of had the impression that I had to get him to agree that things weren't working and that we should separate. Not true Smile. You are allowed to leave for whatever reason you like.

Original poster
Vada83 · 31/05/2017 16:23

Boris: you are right. That is how it has gone time after time. I want to speak with him after yesterday as when he left this morning he behaved as if nothing had happened again and I asked him this morning that we should speak about that his response was " oh no, I didn't know you became a doctor" then he said I find you attractive and beautiful have s lovely day and left. i want to speak with him to let him know that nothing has changed and I can't live like this. It's not in my nature to close the door without telling him why but I know he knows why.

OP posts:
BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 16:23

Up until then I kind of had the impression that I had to get him to agree that things weren't working and that we should separate.

Me too.
Once I "got it" - that it was my choice, no discussion, permission or argument was required, ending my dysfunctional relationship became astonishingly easy (after years of anguish and "discussions"). One day I just said "This relationship is over. When can you move out?" and almost like magic it was. Except it wasn't magic, it was me.

When you've been discussing stuff for years and nothing has changed, its very empowering to realise you don't have to do any of that anymore. The talks have already all been talked. You don't have to do it anymore. It is clear he isn't going to change.

BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 16:24

He knows why.
Not listening to you is another way of disrespecting you and getting his way.

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