How do Men cope when their DW or DP EARNS MORE than them???

[drosophila]

Just wondering. I know some people in this situation and I think it is having an effect.

How much of a man's self esteem is tied up in being the main or sole breadwinner?

I got married expecting it to be forever like most people. I don't think I ever expected to be divorced in my 40s. In fact I thought we'd be mortgage free by now and actually having quite a bit of spare money for once after all the scrimping and saving paying nannies and school fees in my 20s and 30s and being young enough and fit enough in my 40s still to feel young and getting free of children by now. But as is said below even within a long term relationship you never know how things will turn out.

By the way I agree with the comment about who has the chidlren after a divorce. Before I'd decided to divorce I sawa lawyer to ask principally that question - would I lose the chidlren. I wouldn't have divorced if I would. I know men (not in the sexual sense) who are staying in very unhappy marriages because they know if they divorce they may never be allowed to see their children again or only every other weekend and they can't bear that thought just as many women can't. There was an articl ein the FT a year ago about very highly paid women with house husbands who not only like me had to pay their husbands a lot of money on the divorce but also lost the contact because basicaly in general the law maintains the status quo so if the baby is used to daddy there 24/7 no one would break that psychological bond etc.

In our case my husband worked so wasn't ah ouse househusband. The older 3 children were old enough to choose and would not have lived with him. The courts would be unlikely to split the younger siblings and we had a full time nanny so on that basis even though he spent more time with the children than I did they stayed with me. In fact I would like them with him every other week but he's chosen virtually to never see them. I know in part of our financial negotiations at one point he said he'd get the children and I upppsed the financial offer. Then I realised in fact I could call his bluff because the last thing he actually wanted was the children.

I married young and am still with dh after nearly 25 years.

At first I was totally financially dependent on him. I had no income whatsoever, not even state benefits, except what he provided.
We have always maintained separate bank accounts so he gave me a standing order and that money was considered mine.

Later in our marriage there was a time when we earned roughly similar amounts, before we had children. I liked the money of course, but I hated the hours, the pressure and responsibility at work.

Now dh earns a lot more, and I a lot less than in those days, but he does encourage me to earn money, even though he has 2 jobs himself. I am now self employed which I much prefer to being a wage slave.

On who gets the children after divorce - yes, I think you're absolutely right about people staying in miserable marriages just to ensure they see their children. My partner would never have been able to end his marriage if his ex had not been happy about him seeing the children really often. Divorce law in France is pretty different to the UK, with very little financial compensation for the partner with lower earnings and quite a lot of 50:50 sharing of children.

I was the sole breadwinner for about a year and before working PT I eared the most. The thing that got me was when I slipped a disc and teh Consultant said to me that if I was not back at work at the 6mths stage I was unlikely ever to go back. This was purely statistics talking but it worried me. After about 4 months or so I dragged myself back to work and I was not really fit and wasn't for a good few months but I had a staggered return so I managed.

It really made me realise how vulnerable we all are and how frightening it is when you are the sole breadwinner.

can't imagine as dh earns so much more than me. Don't think he'd like it, tbh. I might, however!

The other thing was being the sole breadwinner was a factor in why having children got so delayed. Couldn't see a way to take maternity leave and still pay mortgage , bills, food etc etc. Can cause tensions in the couple and also I get a bit narked when people judge older mums for leaving it late. As if they didn't hear their biological clocks ticking loudest.

Me too Drosophila. I'm terrified of being unable to work, especially atm. If I need longer periods of time off in this pg we're f*cked, at least temporarily.

inanidealworld - thanks for the point re older mothers. I definitely wanted to be at home for my child(ren) but I wanted some money and a career track record all of my own first, for my own and my child(ren)'s security... hence first baby at grand old age of 38.

But then you take a risk you can never have any. I'd rather have lived in poverty and had children hence having first at 22 as children were the most important thing I wanted to do. I wanted 7 so you can't really start at 38 if that's the plan.

I agree. Though all the women in my family had babies late and all of us are hyperfertile and no-one's had any kind of problems getting pregnant into their forties (for several generations). So I didn't feel particularly anxious.

It is a risk. It wasn't the only factor of course but it was a very real consideration. Luckily for us we conceived our children naturally and very quickly, the first at the grand old age of 37.

I was not at all keen to have babies till I was over 30 and a doctor told me I couldn't have them. In my 20s I was aware that if I left it till later I risked not having them at all, and I didn't care. Dh was always much keener than me on parenthood.

This was such an interesting thread. I can relate to BossyKate. I have always earned more than DH and carry the Insurance and other benefits (we live in the States). My company is constantly downsizing and the threat feels so very close at the moment. The pressure I feel is immense and I have always carried this. I had my DD late in life with my current DH. I was 38 myself.

I will be 50 this year and I just feel tired of the corporate rat race, but don't see that I have a choice. I obsess about this (along with my weight and overspending) and I know I make the situation worse. At least my DD is 12 now, going on 13, and I appreciate everything I have been able to provide for her and all of our day-to-day experiences. I have also supported my two stepboys that I raised from ages 3 and 12.

At this point, I have another 5 years to prepare for my DD's college expenses (or trying to support her with some of her expensesagain in the US it is so different). We are carrying a large mortgage and over $100K in debt on top of the house mortgage. I just try to laugh alot and inside I am really suffering from the pressure and would love to get out of the pressure cookerI just can't see it happening anytime soon.

I just pray that I don't get laid off because we moved to Florida and I don't believe I can command this salary without moving back to the Northeast United States or California--both of which have sky high real estate prices. I too tend to sleep a lot...

I earn three times more than my DP and I am finding the upcoming period of non-income during my maternity leave desperately frightening. I am actively saving and downscaling our lifestyle to be sure I can enjoy my time with the baby without having to worry. Unfortunately my DP not only earns less but truly is in no position to earn more and is not gifted at managing money either. Worse is that in my career having a baby at this juncture is a guarantee of being sidelined and I have no way of being sure I can earn anything near the same income post-baby or for any length of time afterward. My DP would love for me to be able to be a SAHM mum and would truly love to support me, even though he is equally supportive of my career. I think he is self assured enough to cope with whatever ends up being the status quo, but I know he needs to work for his sense of self-worth so there would be no question of his becoming a SAHD.

I forgot I wanted to mention that I think our childhood attitudes and learning about money has a strong effect on how we deal with it as adults. I always felt that my father resented supporting me, my parents had a difficult marriage and my Dad was unfaithful to her on a regular basis. He was extremely self-centered (he was the oldest male in his family unit and very spoiled, etc.). He exuded his entitlement if you know what I mean.

I could not have guessed how strongly this effected me in my efforts to be autonomous as an early teen and way onto my adulthood today. I took early retirement after 20 years of service with a major corporation, and after I mailed the package to the post office with my signed papers, I came home and fell apart completely.

My DH looked at me and told me, I AM NOT YOUR FATHER, it is alright if you don't work for a while, we will be alright and I will take care of you. I was working within three weeks of sending my papers in. I could not live with depending on my DH, I just couldn't face it emotionally. I never wanted to feel resented again and even though he said that to me, it was still a possiblity in my mind.

So on top of really wanting a break, I don't even know if I could allow myself to be taken care of, but I "think" I would.

kite, why should you be sidelined and why not go back after say 6 - 8 weeks to ensure that doesn't happen particularly as your other half earns less etc?

So glad I spilt my guts out.

SUn. My DAD was the sole breadwinner and he used to hide his salary (back when it was cash) when they fought. This has had a huge impact on my working. I cannot imagone ever being dependant on someone.

Thanks for that drosophila--that is why I shared what I did on this thread. This money stuff is so deep-rooted for both Men and Women. We are just working through our patterns and most of the time it has nothing to do with our partners.

I've changed my name for this. I earn more than twice as much as my dh, and yes, there are times when I resent it..especially as I feel trapped into working the long hours to maintain our standard of living. Before we married, I remember talking to my boss and mentioned that soon-to-be dh wasn't ambitious. It didn't matter to me then, but I remember my boss asking "are you sure you'll be happy with a man who isn't ambitious?". We are happy, and dh, to be fair, works very hard and does loads with the children and around the house. But I do feel that he has the choice because we could afford to live without his income. It's probably my very traditional upbringing (which ironically has made me as ambitious and career-minded as I am, because I hated the sexual inequality I grew up with), but there are times when I'd like to not be the one in the driving seat financially...I'd like to feel more "looked after". But the grass is always greener, and what I yearned after when I was younger (again, because of my upbringing) was never to have to rely on anyone else financially.

And I wanted to mention the yearning I sometimes have, to just be supported...or why was I not shallow enough to marry someone terribly wealthy sort of thing.....I know this isn't even rational as I don't believe I could accept the support, but I still go there when I am suffering.

My mother drilled into me that I should never depend on a man for a paycheck Piggy, she told me that at a very young age...also from her unhappiness. I really can relate to what you said.