Husband leaving me because of 8 stone weight gain

[user1495500843]

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago. About 3 years ago he told me this was a problem.he had paid for personal trainers, weight loss retreats etc but I've not maintained a steady weight loss. He now says he cannot bear it any longer. He says that I've lost him now and have done for some time. He wants a divorce. No children. I can't help thinking he is right and I have really messed up and ruined my marriage.

What was your actual day to day life like?

Did you do things together outside the house on a regular basis? Did you still maintain a sex life? Did your weight gain change your lifestyle?

OP what do you overeat on?
I know often overeating is emotional, but I think sometimes it's an addiction.
Wheat and sugar seem to be the main culprits. I don't think anyone is likely to be overweight if the don't have wheat and sugar in their diet (or deep fried food but I don't think that's a common addiction)

If you think it might help, have a look at books and articles on wheat and sugar, or food addiction.
It might be worth looking at cutting them out of your diet.

Hi OP you said you've tried some Theropy but I think you should go back and try again. Often it can take a few tries to get the right person.

My DH has put on a lot of weight over the years, he gave up smoking and took up eating instead. However I knew there were other reasons for his relationship with food. Even when he was very slim, he had a very odd relationship. (CHildhood stuff) After two midnight dashes to A&E within months, I was at the end of my tether and actually told him unless he lost weight I'd have to leave. I still loved him but couldn't cope with watching him, every single day, eating like he did and killing himself. I had, for years tried to help him in every way possible, but nothing worked. My threat was actually his turning point, he went to therapy and he is slowly losing weight (only a couple of pounds a week, but that is great). I know it will take a long time, and he has weeks where it all goes to pot, but I can see he is trying.

You need to ask yourself

Do you want to try to lose weight to not only help your marriage but for YOUR health? If you do, please go and find a therapist specialising in this, even a few sessions might help you turn that switch. And don't think you have to lose 10 st by next week, it will take a lot of time BUT it is worth it for your health as well as your marriage.

Can you list what you eat on a normal day to day basis so people could maybe advise you on what to change etc.
I am trying to lose weight myself and yesterday I came across the blog of Sophie King 100 healthy days. I felt I could follow it.

What is standing out for me is the fact you have been confort eating because you were insecure in your marriage.
I suspect that what you needed wasn't a personal trainer but a couple counsellor.

But that would have meant your DH acknowledging that he had a part to play in your weight gain and I suspect he wouldn't have done it.
E.g. The fact he was monitoring what you were eating was clearly NOT helpful, quite the opposite.

My advice for you would be to get some counselling for yourself. I think you need to look at your relationship, and at how you have been reacting and to what you have been reacting. I suspect that seeing things for what they are will help you more to loose weight than any new diet (that clearly haven't made any difference at all!).

I guess I had a romantic view of unconditional marital love. Clearly I was completely mistaken

Op. I'm not sure it's as simplistic as this. As said,this amount of weight gain can impact how we behave as a person, how our relationships operate, who we become. I doubt your husband has left simply because you have gained weight. I suspect it's more about how that weight impacted your day to day behaviour and your relationship. Clearly he was unhappy in the relationship itself.

Op name change. I am tall so the weight gain is not as obvious as someone who is shorter. I'm taking o board everyone's opinions. I think it is more than just the weight. Before we got married my husband agreed on how we would live our lives- where we would live etc however, when we got married my husband seemed to change his mind and told me that his career is the most important thing in his life. I became frustrated with this- probably snowballed from that.

Have you got a Fitbit? Actually seeing stats for invisible things like daily calories burned and steps taken and heart rate raised has definitely made me feel more accountable for my daily activity levels - there's a feature that makes you get up every hour and take 250 steps, if you haven't already done it. It sounds as if you feel everything is out of your hands - your weight, your marriage, the fact that your husband is making decisions about your body. Take a little control back.

Ifyougodowntothewood- that's interesting to hear your experiences. I do eat like a kid I think. I'm also good at losing weight and can lose lots of weight quite quickly! However, I then put it back on. And then some.

If the excess weight was "just" cosmetic I'd think the husband was a douche. But 8 stone on top of an already overweight frame would limit your life choices I'd have thought. Plus he's already given it three years - that's reasonable I'd say.

I'm 15 stone, was 14 stone for a long time but just that extra stone going on has made my asthma worse, my ankle has started to play up so I can't go for nice walks or even spend the day in town any more, I fidget and toss and turn for ages when I'm trying to get to sleep at night because my boobs ride up under my neck now when I lie down so I can't get comfortable (despite starting to wearing my bra at night).

All these things have a massive impact on my DH let alone myself but I can't seem to get that mental "click" at the moment to stick to any eating plan for more than a week. My DH is still very supportive of me but I do wonder when his patience will start to wear out.

OP if you ever need a chat or a vent (or maybe ewe can give each other support when we try again?) feel free to PM me

Youwouldntlie-thank you. I do have a Fitbit- my husband bought me one! It is motivating and I do use it.

OP l am sorry for your situation, but as you are not hapy with the way you are, only you can find the thing that woks for you...

I had to stop thinking of food as pleasure and comfort, and instead fuel to give me enough energy to live..... end of.

I had 2 stone to lose and used the Louise Parker fit for life cookbook and stuck to it religiously (since January) the weight fell off in 10 weeks and l have sustained it. It has broken my lifelong sugar craving.

BUT l had to stop making excuses, this was the key for me..... plan what l am going to eat each day, ensure the right ingredients are in the fridge and that l have the correct healthy snacks with me at all times, think nuts and apples and seeds.
I hardly drink alcohol, no sugary drinks ever, no sweets, cake, carbs and very dark chocolate only. l can get away with one error a week no more, l am a small frame so it would go back on easily.

But....... I feel great, have rediscovered my love for clothes, move much more easily and have better skin. For me it is worth the effort.

Remember it is 85% diet and only 15% exercise....find your sustainable eating plan and stick to it come hell or high water and the weight will drop off .......it has to be sustainable as you will have to eat that way for ever.....there are no magic answers but l hope you find what works for you and happiness along the way.

OP - I'm so sorry for what has happened. From your posts and to echo other posters, it sounds like there were other issues in your relationship aside from this. Your partner has named your weight as an easy focus for his actions but you have been feeling insecure in this relationship for a while and that is something you both needed to pay attention to. I'm not excusing his actions, it just seems that there is a bigger context here.

I hope you can work out what you want and focus on looking after yourself.

Thank you arterir- this means a lot i.my older sister is just getting a very messy divorce after 30 years of marriage so I don't feel I can burden my family with this. I'm also from abroad so all of family are on the other side of the world.

Anytime. A few of us have struggled with weight too and it's really hard to lose the weight. It really helps if you can talk to some people about it. And we can offer the sympathetic ear.

Also, if you'd like you can join us in our weight loss thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/2878045-4-stones-losers-anyone-with-me

Let's try to shift the weight one stone at a time :)

Excellent post by GinnyBaker, Ginny are you able to give more information on how you changed your thinking?

OP - oh, nuts, I was hoping he wouldn't have bought you a FitBit! I can see how it might feel like a kind of electronic tag to check up on you, in that case, even if it was given with good intentions.

I sympathise very much, as someone who's always struggled with her weight. You're taking all this bravely on the chin, even the snippier comments. But it's true, what others keep saying: this has to be for you, and you have to take responsibility for your own health, physical and mental. Personally, I tackle weight loss better when I make a point of stripping all the emotion out of it - I've started running again not so I'll 'feel better in my old clothes', but so I won't develop heart disease or diabetes like my mum did.

Every journey starts with a single step. Cliche, but true. Good luck.

I am tall so the weight gain is not as obvious as someone who is shorter

I think maybe you're in denial op,eight stone is very very obvious on everyone.

It sounds like you were not happy in your marriage, and neither was your husband. As such, maybe this is for the best for both of you?

I'm so sorry to hear this. The important distinction is how has your husband behaved to you during the marriage generally and about this issue. If he has been a loving, kind and respectful man who has tried to gently suggest ways of helping you and encouraging you, then after 3 years of this, one could understand his position. However, if he has been unkind and berated you for your lack of effort or made you feel bad about how you look and/or pushed his 'help' on you as a 'deal breaker' situation, then no wonder you felt insecure and this would not help you lose weight and would most likely contributed to you feeling down and continuing to seek comfort elsewhere. You say you felt insecure in your marriage. Was this before or after you began putting on weight?

Whatever happened in the past or will happen with him in the future, make plans to move on independently and make yourself happy. Losing weight is only a part of that but as you start making positive changes in other areas maybe reconnecting with friends, improving your social like, getting a new hobby or qualification, you will feel happier and stronger and food won't be needed so much to make you feel better. There's lots of support groups and help on MN and out there. The more weight you have to lose, the more awesome the transformation will be if, and when, you finally lose it! Good luck x

Thanks youwouldntletitlie i think there was so much emotional value attached to my weight- every few months my husband would bring it up and give me an ultimatum so it just became the focus of our marriage. Rather than other positive things.

Sorry OP but I imagine you're 20 stone plus at this stage. Of course that's obvious, no matter what height you are.

And does it matter at all anyway?

I know a bloke who is well over 6 foot. Very overweight. Thinks he can carry it off. Maybe he can.

But his wife drunkenly told me that she finds it really hard to have sex with him anymore. His stomach was getting in the way. And she couldn't sit in the same room as him when he became a crisp devouring machine as she found it so upsetting. She was very tearful about it as she adored him.

Great name change, OP

Glint I've a toddler due somewhere in a few mins, but I'll answer your question when I get back this afternoon

OP how long were you married? Did he stress you out so you ate more?

Elspeth- of course I agree with you. I'm not suggesting it's not obvious or that I'm denial. I am obese! And tall!

I think what the OP meant was, the extra stones are better distributed on her since she's tall. I weigh the same at 5'8 (almost) as my 5ft tall friend - while we're both big, the extra weight is definitely more obvious on her than me.