Husband leaving me because of 8 stone weight gain

[user1495500843]

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago. About 3 years ago he told me this was a problem.he had paid for personal trainers, weight loss retreats etc but I've not maintained a steady weight loss. He now says he cannot bear it any longer. He says that I've lost him now and have done for some time. He wants a divorce. No children. I can't help thinking he is right and I have really messed up and ruined my marriage.

If we were all totally rational, then I'd agree Bluntness. We tend to be emotional though

I totally agree. Losing weight is hard at the best of times.never mind when you feel under pressure to.

Op uou need to focus on you.youre clearly unhappy right now, from your weight to your disintegrated marriage, and I suspect you've been unhappy for a long time as was your husband. Think about how you were living, and think about how you'd like to live, what you actually want your life to be like, the things you want to do and then start to make a plan to get there. Maybe councilling would help, someone to talk to. Do you have outside interests? Friends?

Speaking as someone who has been 20 stone in the past, I would say that my personal experience is that I can not be that weight without having a totally disordered relationship with food that also affects everything else in my life.

I would go to the docs etc and they would say things like 'eat off a smaller plate, swap full fat milk for skimmed milk' etc and I would just look at them like they were completely deranged. Or weightwatchers! Sodding points in a piece of toast! The truth is it takes a huge amount of food to get up to that weight. Huge amount. Fifty calories here or there would just not work for me. A pound of weight is 3,000 or 3,500 calories, depending on who you believe. To lose a stone is a deficit of at least 42 thousand calories.

I say all this because all the well meaning advice I was given by people who'd lost a bit of weight about slimming clubs, haircuts etc was completely useless to me. As someone very wise once said to me, changing diets is just like changing deckchairs on the titanic. Its still going down and you are still going to die.

For me I had to work out how I could live without food being everything to me: comfort, friend, entertainment, lover etc. Food had lost any sense of being physical food to me and become my way of coping with everything in my life.

I think different things ultimately work for different people, we aren't all the same, and we aren't all eating for the same issues/needs, but I think it has to start with the same initial acknowledgement that this isn't about food, it isn't about weight, and changing the food plan etc is not going to do it. Its about getting mentally and emotionally well.

I'm sorry to say but if my wife gained 8 stone I'd consider divorce too and I would not be happy if she tried to blame me for the weight gain.

People need to take responsibility for their own choices.

GinnyBaker that is an excellent post. As someone who also has an unhealthy relationship with food, you've given me lots to think about.

Onionnight- I don't think I've said I blame my husband. I said I understand his point of view.

I don't understand why posters are calling the OPs DH names. If my DP put on 8 stone I wouldn't find him attractive either and I felt like, despite all my effort and expense to help him, he just wasn't helping himself, then yes, I'd probably leave him too.

You can't blame anyone else for this, Just like any other addict, you're a good addict, it's on you. You choose to put the food into your mouth and choose not to put much effort in to lose it. Stop blaming an insecure marriage. An alcoholic wouldn't get away with it.

If this was reversed and the OP was the wife of a DH the cries would be if he isn't willing to help himself then no one can help him and cut your losses.

If you really really wanted you lose weight you'd have been able to by now. Unfortunately it seems your DH has got to the end of his tether of trying to help you.

Do you know why you over eat? or why you target the 'wrong' foods in excess?

Is it worth trying some sort of counselling to get to the root cause of the issues and THEN tackling the weight gain once you understand why you are gaining so much weight.

I feel for you. I too have gained a huge amount of weight over the last five years, approx 7 stone and although it's partly due to spinal surgeries and lack of mobility it's also eating too much stuff. I accept that. I am taking baby steps to try and get back on course.

Onionnight- I don't think I've said I blame my husband. I said I understand his point of view.

It wasn't aimed at you but others insulting him.

You may not want the divorce but do you really want to stay with someone who makes you so insecure and isn't actually by the sounds of it a very nice person.
A marriage is meant to be a partnership. Yes, weight gain might not be attractive and there are health implications but there are ways and means of supporting rather than judging and essentially emotionally blackmailing.
And as PP have said, unless you are fully committed to making that change for yourself, it's pretty damned pointless paying for x, y, or z for you

Good advice from GinnyBaker, obviously to lose weight you will need to eat less, but it's equally important to find other things to fill the gap. Do you have hobbies or other interests?

As regards your relationship with your husband, I don't think it's helpful to assign blame. I can understand why he tried to get you to lose weight (like others I would not like it if my OH gained stones), but I can also understand your rebellious reaction (I react the same when DH tries to get me to "be good" eg go to bed at a sensible time).

Regardless of blame - the key point is that the relationship was not working well for either of you. So, mourn it by all means but remember it wasn't working. And focus on the future - what are you going to do next?

Good luck xx

OP: If your head is in the right place and if you want to lose weight for YOU and really want to try, you simply need to be in a calorie defecit and move move more. Download myfitnesspal on your phone and keep a track of everything you eat (everything). Have a look at some high intensity workouts (15-20 minutes) 4-5 times a week. When your fitness improves add some weights into your routine. Make sure you get drink plenty of water and sleep. Have a look at your body type and look at which types of food are best for your shape. Some people do better with less or more carbohydrates for example. Educate yourself.

It is no more complicated than that (of course you have to be int he right mindset). Can you get a fitness tracker? Set an amount of steps to walk per day? My dad has recently got one and it reminds him to get up and move.

Have a look at fitness blender on your tube. It will be hard at first, you won't be able to complete everything but just keep trying. Once it gets into a routine.

I think you have made the right step into knowing you should address your weight, but you have to want to do it for you and your husband should support you. I am sorry you are feeling so low, think of it as a health thing not a weight thing. And be in it for the long game, it will take a lot of determination but slow weight loss and muscle gain is the way forward.

I also think it's hardly fair for posters to be declaring the DH as shallow. The OP says she's never been slim, so he was happy marrying her without her being slim.

But there's a vast difference between "not skim" and 8 stone heavier than that.

I have no advice re: your husband, but have emotional eating issues myself. It's a major problem for a lot of people. CBT can help some people, and you can be referred for it by your GP. There are online resources too. I suggest you check those out and try to get to the bottom of your emotions before attempting any weight loss efforts.

isn't actually by the sounds of it a very nice person

Because he left? We have no other information about the marriage. For all we know he's been miserable for at least those 3 years.

People are allowed to leave marriages when they realise things aren't going to get any better. Doesn't make them bastards.

We are forever telling people here "being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave" aren't we?

We are forever telling people here "being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave" aren't we?

Yup, it only seems to apply to women though.

He certainly wouldn't have expected her to gain a further 8 stone though. 10 years of watching someone overeat to that extent would make me lose all respect for them.

OP, I suspect your issues with your weight and insecurites began well before your marriage.

Sometimes it's just an excuse.
My ExP basically told me I was fat.
(size 12) and we were going to work on our relationship so I lost weight. Did it for me, I'm petite and size 12 does not suit.
All the while I was doing this he was messaging other women.
All a lot bigger than me.
The OW is 3 inches shorter and probably 3 stone heavier than I was.
She's lovingly referred to in the village as 'the unit'. Which I hate by the way.
So it's not always about what they say it is.

Let him leave. Work on yourself.
Do what you want to do.
I also think him leaving will be good.
You don't feel secure in your marriage anyway.
That's never good.

I'm sorry. It you were warned about this. I do think it's important that both men and women keep themselves in shape for each other. You'll hear a lot of bile and hysterical talk about him but please reflect on your own responsibilities here.

That's quite a lot of weight to gain, however as a person who has struggled with weight most of my adult life, I have a great deal of sympathy for you.

I think he's tried his best to support you to loose weight and I wouldn't jump to criticise him.

If he doesn't feel the attraction any more and thinks you don't care, then his response is understandable.

Maybe once he's gone, it will be a wake up call to you.

I remember how Vanessa Feltz lost so much weight when her husband left her. She always used to say he loved her regardless, but it clearly wasn't the case, because that's why he left her.

Loosing weight is so so hard. I can feel your pain, I really truly can.

I recommend you ask your GP for a referral to your community dietician. My friend lost 5. 5 stones over 2 years this way.

I know it might seem slow for some people, but she's so much happier.

I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Well firstly, op's are right, you can only lose weight for yourself.
But, when you married your DH, presumably he liked/loved how you looked, and assumed that you would continue to look more or less the same. I note you haven't had DC, which can and does increase weight, so do you know why you've put on such a large amount?! Eight stone is a helluva lot to gain, which is soooo bad for your health, well being and your self esteem...but what about your DH, did he gain weight? If so he should be leading by example, if nor....well I'm sorry, he obviously doesn't want to be with an overweight person, anf

I guess I had a romantic view of unconditional marital love. Clearly I was completely mistaken. Reading your posts and my husband saying he's leaving has been a huge wake up call.

I doubt your marriage problems are only about your weight. There must be more to it.

(OP, why not change your username? I think people can relate more to a name you have chosen then a generic number)

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago.
Not wanting to stay with someone because they're carrying a few extra pounds is pretty shallow, not wanting to stay with someone whose lifestyle choice puts them at serious risk of diabetes, heart disease and numerous other health issues is IMO understandable.

Unless you're monumentally tall 8 stone on top of not being slim to start with is a massive weight gain. Please get some help changing your relationship with food.