What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

Ha ha yes, some of these "you're a WHORE" accusations make the person saying them sound a bit unbalanced?

I bought my male senior manager some posh chocolate last year ( because he's lovely and smiley and he made a joke about it) and he didn't give me £1 back or offer to get one for me Objectively, he's hotter than me. I reckon lots of women do things like that for him.

Someone bring out the pitchforks for that slutty, shaggy entitled, flirtatious, using, male tart l!

monica - I think you're reaching a bit (and possibly projecting a bit too)

The OP posted about setting boundaries on dating. Then she said that she expected a man to choose the time and date, the type of date and the place, and to communicate all this clearly beforehand. He did some of this, but not all, and she said that as she expects a man to be dominant and controlling, she also expects him to pay for everything.

My perspective is that this is going to lead to her getting into relationships with men who are financially controlling, possibly emotionally abusive. That she's putting herself in a situation where she won't spend time with a man unless he's willing to pay for everything. And that's not far from basically being an escort, selling her affections for money.

I'm not angry, or bitter, incidentally. I'm not derogatory or judgy. I just think it's a bit sad and icky that someone doesn't want to be an equal partner and needs to have a man fork out money to get her attention.

Personally I don't think if I buy a woman a meal she owes me anything. But some men do, and attitudes like this just promulgate the view that a woman's affections can be purchased - because in this case it appears that they can.

Bloody hell bant chum you seem to be one of them passive aggressive touchy feely nice guy Mr Sensitive "I get involved about women's issues and spend all day thinking about them and like being in women's spaces so why don't them bitches pay attention to and want me " types

Stop being an Internet white knight character, the op isn't going to come round and cuddle you for it

have a and go lift some weights or something

Loving your posts, Monica. Can we be mates pleeeease?!

monica Bant posts on the dating thread, comes across as a really decent bloke, just going through the ups and downs of OLD like everyone else on the thread. I think you're being harsh.

Anyway, if you're going to be friends with the OP you might want to get your credit card out because she's not a cheap date!!

Monica, you seem like a truly lovely person. Not projecting at all. Good luck with that.

Also,

I really wouldn't want the OP to come round and cuddle me. She seems a bit confused about needing a daddy-figure-rescuer, and I don't really want to rescue anyone. I already have daughters, who I'm trying to raise to have healthier boundaries than hers. But she asked about sensible boundaries and I think hers are a bit fucked up. I was just answering the question she posted on a public forum.

If you identify with her, then I think yours are fucked up too

Good luck with everything.

Cool You can be bants bestie then minty, you can sit there together creepily labelling women whores for not having the same views on paying on a night out as you

Yes, Minty, but surely you'll agree there's an irony in that Bant claims to be concerned I'm making myself vulnerable to emotional abuse after having himself launched a series of long and detailed critiques of my sexual conduct on a public forum.

By the way, Bant, what is this word 'icky' that you keep applying to me? Does it mean yucky, dirty, sticky? Or just slutty perhaps?

It's interesting how much anger has been directed towards me, on the basis of such scant provocation. Poor old DrMorbius appears to have conceived a deep-seated loathing of me!!

Yes bant, remind your daughters to always get the calculator out on a night out when they grow up or they're basically like walking the streets in fishnet stockings yeah?

(I personally partnered with a long term friend pippa Middleton style and we both earn similar and try to grab the bill but labelling women sluts IS icky and yucky in whatever context)

I'm not angry, girly - and yes, I find the idea of women only wanting to spend time with men who can spend money to impress them 'icky'

It's the female equivalent of men thinking that a woman owes them sex because they paid for a meal. You're the woman that only thinks they want to sleep with a man if he's paid for the meal. It's the exact corollary. And I think it's a bit yuck.

And please don't start trying to class me as a puritan or anything, a woman is free to shag who she wants, when she wants, as is a man, as long as it's consensual and agreed and adults, I just don't like the idea of someone putting a price tag on it, which is what you've specifically said you do.

Don't see this as anger. The world is a complex place and some people can pity you without being angry with you. I have my own life, I'm not angry with yours, but you asked questions about what other people think. I'm not bitter or angry, I just think yours is.. yeah.. entitled and icky.

You posted about people's perceptions of dating boundaries, I posted my response. Stop getting defensive because I think yours are wrong. If you can't take constructive criticism maybe you shouldn't be posting on a public forum?

Don't stop posting bant, let it all out

Oh, and earlier I forgot to respond to your question, Minty, about why I don't want an equal relationship. (Sorry, have house guests this weekend who are giving me the evil eye every time I try to sneak onto mumsnet... )

As I stated earlier, I believe myself to be in the most profoundest sense the equal of any man, and there's nothing that either he or I could do or say to alter that. So any relationship that I enter into will be, in its fundamentals, a relationship of equals. I feel no need or desire to deliberately body forth this equality in its crudest form, that is to say, an equality of pounds and pence. Relationships are about more than a cash nexus.

I think all this he pays/she pays angst is a lot of fuss about nothing. When all's said and done it's just a sexual preference. A couple of posters on this thread have said that they could only go with a man who had a full-head of hair. That's not right or wrong: it's just what happens to turn them on. I can only go with a man who is happy to assume control in the kinds of scenarios discussed. That's not right or wrong either. We're all entitled to like what we like.

Yes ENTITLED. I'm believe I'm entitled to all kinds of lovely things. We all should. No apologies here.

monica - I'm not labelling women sluts. I'm saying if a woman will only engage in a sexual relationship when he pays for everything, then that's on the same level.

I haven't said slut, or whore (and I love the fact that it's you and the OP who've jumped to those terms) I said 'escort' - as in a woman who will engage in social, but not necessarily sexual, activities with men, for money.

If a woman will only go out with a man when he's going to pay for everything, for every date, and there is no expectation that she'll ever have to pay.. then that's what it is. Isn't it?

Stop throwing insults and argue your point. Or grow up.

Do I need to say this again: I don't like dinner dates, and even if I did, I wouldn't be exchanging dna with someone just because he'd chucked a bit of food in my direction. But even if this was my modus operandi, it's none of your business. Whatever you say, when I choose to put out was emphatically not the theme of this thread. This thread was about my exasperation at a date not taking into consideration my childcare needs. You, along with a few others, have become obsessed with this sexual theme.

You're right OP. Some people express a preference for hirsute, or tall. Some men express a preference for women whose thighs don't touch, or who have massive tits. It's all personal preference.

You only get interested in someone who is willing to pursue and pay for you. That's your call. Personally I think that leaves you open to a lot of potential abuse further down the line, but as I said it's your call.

Cheerio :)

Out of interest, why did your previous relationships fail?

Off to bed for me too. One of my alpha types has just swung by with a kebab and a four-pack. Yep, it's pussy gold-rush chez Girly...

:)

I'm really not angry or having a go, girly. I just think your past form and current form says that you make less than optimal choices, which can reinforce the choices.

Join the dating thread to get about a hundred opinions on dating boundaries and stuff. I'm a bloke, so I've been on dates with lovely people and gold diggers. Others have different opinions.

You're not coming across well Bant.

I'm not particularly concerned about how I come across forthemany. Someone asked for opinions on boundaries in dating, I offered my opinions on their boundaries, which I think are unhealthy. And directed them to somewhere where they can get advice from lots of other people who are dating, rather than just judging from the sidelines.

Sorry I cant let this pass. I was once with a bloke who moaned constantly that he didnt like materialistic women.

So i told him i wasnt (which im not) Then i found out what his idea of materialism was. Having to buy bog roll for his own flat. Yes really. He told me to take Imodium so i wouldnt need the loo at his when i stayed one weekend. Timing me when i rinsed an apple under the tap before eating it. Timing me in the shower . When i took more than 3 mins he came in and shouted at me saying why couldnt i be quick like him. Errrr .............because i didnt have thinning hair............my long thick hair which he loved so much took a bit longer to rinse the shampoo out of.

Not bothering to buy a present for his brothers landmark birthday even though i offered to go halves on it. Only fair as id been invited to the party.

There were many more instances but the final straw was when he shit the bed at his flat one weekend ( which surprised me actually as i thought he was too mean to part with anything)

So i would never bend over backwards to prove i wasnt materialistic again if i was on the dating scene.

I would never online date though. The threads on here have shown me its not for me.

Jesus Helena. Words fail.

Omigod Helena, I've never heard anything quite like it.

Hope he's sad and lonely now, still sitting in his shitty bed counting his bog roll.