What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

I think if the guy asks a women out on a date then he onus is on him to pay. The problem there of course is that women rarely ask men out on dates so the financial burden disproportionately falls on the guy.

I think the rules are different for internet dating, it is not uncommon to organise two or three different dates over a short period of time and it is absurd to expect the bloke to pick up the tab every single time. It is a deeply unattractive and entitled trait to expect the cost of a date to be the sole responsibility of the other person, especially so if you are in a financially well off position yourself.

No it's not fair, particularly if you both have children to provide for.

I think you think you live in 50 shades of grey, and if I was a fairly normal bloke I would be confused.

You want to be dominated. But how is he supposed to know when you don't want him to take the lead? Maybe he thought you'd like to be told when to meet and where? I expect he's rather confused.

My red flag would be someone who expected me to pay for everything, then got cross because I didn't behave exactly as she wanted me to.

How would your ideal relationship pan out in a domestic setting do you think?

OP I feel very sorry for you now. You'll never know how good it feels to have an equal relationship.

I haven't read the whole thread yet but..

In the early stages of a relationship I basically expect the man to come across as very keen! If he's behaving in a way that makes him seem not especially arsed (which for me would include not planning a date properly, cancelling even once without excellent reason, more than a few days of no contact, disappearing then reappearing) it would be very off putting and an instant deal breaker. I wouldn't bother trying to figure out this behaviour, I'd just see it as NOT KEEN and leave it at that.

Also I don't get the whole constant texting / messaging early on in a relationship, personally. I would find more than say 3 texts in any day a bit much (sort of immature or needy) early on. Have never done OLD though, to be fair.

humanfemale, I agree with every word you've said.

Mintchoc, I don't particularly want an equal relationship. I want to be loved, admired and desired.

loveka, I did want to be told when and where to meet. That was my issue. Also, I'm not really into BDSM btw.

As far as domestic settings go, I have no intention of co-habitating ever again. Prefer to be independent in domestic affairs and, besides, would not want a man other than her father to live with DD. (Yes, I know stepfamilies work well for many, wouldn't for me and DD).

ForTheMany, I'd have no time for a man who didn't prioritise his children in all things. But motherhood entails a massive financial penalty in a way that fatherhood does not, so in all likelihood, he'd have a much greater financial surplus than me, once his offspring's material needs have been met.

dailydance, you describe me as a vile leech, but it's not as though I'm attaching myself to these men and they can't shake me off for trying. It's almost always me who ends things and they're invariably keen for another chance.

Bant, my time is valuable: I don't drop plans or reorganise my life for a man. These boundaries are exactly what this thread's about.

And, btw, a man could very easily date me on a shoe-string. Walks, bike rides, runs, museum/gallery visits, picnics, heritage pubs, tea rooms: these are the things I love. I'll say once again, in capitals: I AM NOT INTO EXPENSIVE DATES.

Bant - you have taken it too far. No need.

Alright ziggy. This wasn't a personal attack, just pointing out that a woman only going on dates with men expecting them to pay for everything... well it's pretty much the same thing, isn't it?

Not an equal relationship. It's purchased affection. Sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Saying someone is an escort isn't a personal attack? It absolutely is.

If you read my comments - I agree the cost of dates should be equally split.

However you have gone too far. The OP is an actual person, with feelings.

Eh Bant,you sound a bit tightly wound and unnecessarily bitchy there.

Nowhere did I read that she expects a man she's dated a few times to pay for everything.

Nowhere did she say she didn't like the guy but would go out with him for the dinner

FFS Op are you still banging on about this. You must have feck all to do in life.

Bant I said similar last night.

Yes this thread was/is quite a laugh (and op is a bit weird but a bloody good sport, that thick skin and sense of humour will see her right dating or single)

but some posters seem a bit intense/tetchy/on a revenge mission

reckon bant is one of those bittermen who CHOSE to pay for dates with gorgeous women thinking they were interested in him then threw his teddies out the pram and called them whores when they wouldn't "put out"

Ffs if you want to pay or not pay or be paid for or not who cares?

In general, it all tends to even out or SHOCK HORROR someone might have spent £17.56 on a bistro pizza and a Prosecco with no "reward".

Most normal people buy/receive drinks or provide/ receive food for friends /colleagues regularly, it's not a big deal.

Not tightly wound at all brog - the OP said yesterday that she expects the man to organise and pay for everything. And then the control and dominance issues.

It really doesn't sound like a healthy equal partnership to me, it sounds like a woman who wants to be wined and dined and who needs a man to pay for her time and affection.

I didn't say she was an escort, just that acting like that is tantamount to it.

Thanks Monica. As I've said on several other similar threads, I'll normally expect to pay for a first date because I did the asking out. If someone asks me out, then they should be willing to pay.

If someone wants to go Dutch, I'm happy with that too. I'm not buying anyone's affection or expect anything in return, it's just polite to pay if you ask someone.

However, it is annoying when some women just expect to have everything paid for. It does seem very strange to both expect equal rights and equal pay and then also expect men to have to pay to spend time with you, time after time. It's creating a slightly sad dynamic of dependency, and I think setting the woman up for potential financial and emotional abuse.

reckon bant is one of those bittermen who CHOSE to pay for dates with gorgeous women thinking they were interested in him then threw his teddies out the pram and called them whores when they wouldn't "put out"

Yep, was thinking the same. Far too polite to mention it obvs...

FFS Op are you still banging on about this. You must have feck all to do in life.

Snap.

In general, it all tends to even out or SHOCK HORROR someone might have spent £17.56 on a bistro pizza and a Prosecco with no "reward".

Well it doesn't really even out when a sizeable number of women expect an all expenses paid first date. If for whatever reason no second date transpires the bloke is out of pocket. For some men who don't have deep pockets that £17.56 might be a big deal but I guess for some on here that just makes them 'tight fisted' or undeserving of attempts at romance because they are poor.

Don't choose to socialise if you can't afford to pick up the whole bill or don't know/trust the people

If £18 is going to leave you out if pocket or fuming, then suggest something lower cost. It's not rocket science, don't pretend to be something you're not

But I think some men feel they deserve the "hot" women so try to do X ( even if she hasn't asked for it) and then fly into a rage because it doesn't manipulate her into liking them. It's not the income but the stinky resentful attitude that's the problem.

I'mpartnered and female with decent disposable income but if I was a bloke dating strangers , I'd suggest coffee or a drink in a nice pub (with the possibility of extending to dinner) same as I would if I was socialising with a student pal or female friends on a low budget or something. It's just common sense.

Op sounds like a freeloader.

I would never expect a man to pay for me on a date even if he was the one who invited me out.

I think the man had a lucky escape here.

Don't choose to socialise if you can't afford to pick up the whole bill

Fucking hell, entitled much. Lol

As I mentioned, I'm quite happy to pay for a date, and I don't expect anyone to put out. Sometimes I'll ask for a second date, depending on if it was nice spending time with them on the first one. Sometimes they'll say yes, sometimes they'll say no.

I don't pay for the date because I expect sex. I pay because I asked them out.

But if they don't even make a token offer to pay half, I'll not ask them out again, because it smacks of entitlement and greed, and I don't want to see someone like that again.

All this shit about who pays, who doesn't. Who organises the date, who doesn't. Going Dutch, Going Greek. Isn't this taking away it all away from the point of the DATE. You are going to meet someone to see if you have a connection, bond, chemistry.
Isn't this why first dates should be coffee or something similar?

And I really thought boundaries was about what you are prepared to accept or not accept regarding your own values and morals.

Why don't you want an equal relationship OP? It's lovely being with someone who you love, who loves you, who you share life with, who you care about. Being desired and admired is great, but only if it's on an equal footing. Otherwise it actually is just like being an escort.

Thank you, Monica - that's exactly the post I'd have liked to write myself!

Yes, noego, it is a big distraction. And I've never given it a lot of thought before now, it's never been a issue when I'm with a guy.

Myheartbelongs, lucky escape? It was his strong preference to pay.

As for the escort accusation... well I don't think of escorts/prostitutes/whores/whatever in the derisive way many on this thread appear to, but it's my understanding that they exchange money/gifts for sex. That's not what I do.