What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

But then again DH is 15 years older than me and I've never paid for anything since our first date. Literally nothing. Almost certainly have unresolved daddy issues 😬

It's not fair to automatically expect a man to pick up the whole tab on a first date.

Oh god, 15 years is my idea of the perfect age gap. Yep, Daddy issues here too...

lottie, what's fair about love/sex? It's about desire, not 'fair'.

But why would you expect a complete stranger to pay for you?

Odd.

When I go out with friends of 20+ years I don't expect them to pick up my bill. Why would I expect a first date to?

Can you not afford to pay your way?

Because we both prefer it that way.

I don't really like an atmosphere of equality in sexual matters. He's in charge, always.

Obviously, I'm pretty assertive in other ways and have very strong boundaries, as this thread has shown I think.

TheKeyboard - my use of "it" was grammatically correct, it's not a reflection of how I think of myself or others (in case that really needs clarified 😏)

Oh, right 😐

Crack on, then.

I didn't know being more dominating in bed was limited to the high earning. You learn something new every day.

Girlywurly are you my spirit animal?!

As I said earlier, I'm not actually into very expensive dates. They often imply lack of confidence on his part and an unappealing try-hard attitude. I like very simple, inexpensive things in fact. But he must take charge of whatever it is we're doing, show leadership and initiative, otherwise I simply won't feel attracted.

Yuck.

It's interesting that on Mumsnet women are always being told, 'Remember - you are the prize', but when a few come along who really believe that, yes, they are... They get a load of vitriol dumped on them!!

No, I think it's really poor to expect a man to always pay. If he goes on a date every week and none of them work out, by the end of the month he'll be £100s of pounds out of pocket.

But do you not think you are giving mixed signals then (I'm not taking the piss now - genuine question).

You want him to be in charge but want to 'manage' how the date is organised? You've told him he's in charge presumably so he just thinks he will organise what he wants and just tell you a time and you are ok with that.

I don't think at all that YABU for calling off because he has not organised anything / been flakey, but if you have been discussing with him that he's in charge etc he may genuinely think he is in charge and just needs to firm up the details later on once he's organised.

Then it'll encourage him to focus his efforts on women he's seriously interested in, and work hard to make those relationships work.

A fringe benefit of 'he pays' is that is discourages the oft-lamented 'sweet-shop mentality'.

Keeping it casual, a beer in an ok pub works for first date.

I wouldn't flame you for the appreciating dinner taken care of but I wouldn't expect that on a first date. Means more on a second date.

The last guy I dated though, he paid for the first five or six meals out and then wouldn;t let me pay half so I ended up (kind of softly manipulated) into having him over to my house. And even though I'm not loaded it would have been SO much easier to just go out and pay half than to create all these date-worthy dinners. I will never let that happen again. A lot of men are so generous to begin with then they rein it right back in again. Which I get but it's a bit of a nonsnense to pay for the first few dinners and then have you back in the kitchen from then on. I will be more assertive next time.

You learn something new every time. so much to learn argh!!

Sorry, ziggy, I'm running out of the door right now, but I'll come back and respond just as soon as I can.

I think there's something in what you've said though. Maybe that's why this week's date went wrong.

I guess it depends on what kind of "prize" you'd like to be.

Ach, you didn't even meet him so you can't say it went wrong!

I had a similar implosion with a man I'd been communicating with online. All well, seemed promising until we arranged to meet. I didn't see the hurry as it was a first meeting, it's not like we were dying to see each other (I thought). He said let me know what suits you this week. And he wanted me to commit to an evening in the following week there and then, and I interpreted it as during the week we'll fix up a date. So I continued exchanging messages and then back came this extremely uptight 'dismissal' . I had been cut off and I had lost my opportunity to go out with him for faffing. Can't remember how he phrased it but I thought ''wow, phew, bullet dodged there".

Good on you OP

There's a difference between being "the prize" and outright saying you expect someone to purchase your affections.

Being the prize means your time is valuable, you don't drop other plans and reorganise your life around them. Being available to purchase says that you only value them for their wallet, and if he pays for everything and organises everything then he'll be in with a chance.

If that's what works for you, then go for it. I find it a bit icky myself.

That's harsh dailydance