What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

[Girlywurly]

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

But then I'm not a high heels, skirt and dressed to the nines type either, as on a weekday night I'm usually in work clothes and at the weekend pretty casual.

If every heterosexual male disappeared from the world overnight, I wouldn't be either. I'd probably spend my days wandering around in an unwashed sack, weeping. Yes, pretty's nice, but frankly I'd rather lie on the sofa in my grubbies and just look at a picture of a kitten or something.

" I can't quite believe how my post has been construed"

Oh i can. When i was talking about women on a low income i meant the women who actually have to clean the offices of Elite Singles HQ not the women who use the site. Women on a supermarket wage / care workers wage.

It wouldnt actually bother me going somewhere cheaper if i was single. I dont expect expensive restaurants or huge bunches of flowers. I enjoy getting dressed up and wearing make up. Main brands are No 7 Loreal Max Factor. Fave perfume is Versace Red Jeans but i always wait until its on offer at £14 a bottle.

But cant always afford things like waxes. I dont shave as it doesnt suit my skin. And i wouldnt cause myself a skin irritation just to please a stranger. But if you bang the drum about not being materialistic you can end up with the tightwad/financial abuser i did for a while as mentioned upthread. So i guess its finding the line between not appearing materialistic yet insisting on a certain standard. (like not being told to take Imodium because hes too tight to buy toilet roll)

But women on low incomes like minimum wage/benefits deserve to date too.

I dont dress up for men. I do it for myself.

I also lost ten stone But that wasnt for a man. That was for myself too.

A tip for anyone on a low income here ..........New Look does a beauty range now including colours for darker skins.

Also includes perfume and mens after shave which smell really nice.

I had a bottle of their Blush perfume and it was lovely Dusk smells gorgeous too. £8 a bottle but they smell just as good as expensive designer ones.

Sounds to me like he has other 'commitments' (like a wife and kids) and was trying to squeeze you in to a gap in that. I am the same, so fret not.

So because you made yourself look nice for the date and spent a few hours on that he should pay?

Or am I misunderstanding?

He should just pay no matter what, I think is the point and the attraction for girly.

Also I am bemused by the reference to "the mental load" of getting ready for a date. For real??

Afterthestorm im always at ppl who spend £70 on a bottle of perfume.

The most expensive one ive ever seen was a Tom Ford one at a couple of hundred quid. Madness. I wouldnt pay that and i wouldnt expect a bloke to either.

Also I am bemused by the reference to "the mental load" of getting ready for a date. For real?? Yes, absolutely. Why not? I give an enormous amount of thought to my appearance. Beauty is endlessly fascinating to me, and very far from trivial. I work on the history of design, and my interest certainly has a lot to do with that. But I'm also constitutionally vain and have been addicted to mirrors since infancy.

He should just pay no matter what. No, he should do what he wants, then I'll see who he is. I don't ever tell men what they should or shouldn't do. Makes no sense. If he's a good man, he’ll do the right thing of his own accord. If he's a bad man, you've just given him an instruction manual on how to play you.

riceuten, you know I think you may be right about the wife and kids thing, although it didn't occur to me at the time. Maybe I should have spent a bit less time thinking about how my ass looked and given a bit more consideration to who I was about to meet!!

bonjourbear, well done for sticking to your standards. You flushed out a stinker there. I think you're probably right in your conclusions.

Loving the budget beauty recommendations by the way!

BTW, about beauty... It's not as though I'm looking like Angelina or anything (ha - very far from it ). It's just that I don't believe beauty is a privilege reserved for the genetically gifted.

No, he should do what he wants, then I'll see who he is. I don't ever tell men what they should or shouldn't do. Makes no sense. If he's a good man, he’ll do the right thing of his own accord. If he's a bad man, you've just given him an instruction manual on how to play you

Apologies. The inference there was for you to find men attractive they had to pay for the date.

Well, yes. I think we've covered that topic quite exhaustively!!

Emphasis on organising, not paying for dates though.

Emphasis on organising, not paying for dates though

Oh. Now I'm confused!

You said above (somewhere!) that men need to pay for dates for you to find them attractive, That's what all this hoo-har is about, is it not? Are you saying this is not the case and you don't care who pays?!

No Harry, she's saying she doesn't want people to focus on the bit about only finding men attractive when they pay for her. Because she can't afford to pay because she's spending all her money on makeup to look prettier, and all her mental energy on applying it to look pretty, so they'll pay for her.

It's really heartwarming. :)

Yeah, I don't really understand what all the fuss is about either! I'm feeling a bit like a pantomine villain, tbh.

What I actually said is that, in the early stages of dating, (say the first month) I'd like it if the man organised (and paid) for everything. I also said that I'm not into flashy dinner dates, etc and prefer quite simple things like walks, bike rides, museums, etc. It's not about having a price of entry, it's about seeing that a man's decisive, has initiative, wants to please me and can work out how to, is ready to take charge, etc. It's highly unlikely that, were these traits not apparent, I'd feel any attraction for him.

Apparently this makes me a confused escort with daddy issues, a grabby single mum with low self-esteem, a vile leech and (my favourite) a low rate trollope!!

None of this was the point of the thread by the way, or in the op. It just kind of got wrinkled out of me...

Yes, Bant, all the mental energy I can spare from writing my doctoral thesis and teaching my undergraduate students.

Oh, and from posting on Mumsnet. Priorities!!!

I honestly do have a bunch of contacts in the City that I think would be right up your street, girly. I wouldn't even charge for my matchmaking services! A freebie!

Let me know.

Thanks, Harry, but I've done the whole 'Master of the Universe' thing (and very nice it was too ).

Do you know any MPs...? (Must be Tory).

High Court judges? CofE bishops?

Actually, one of the things that's made this thread so ridiculous is that last Thursday's date was my first in six months, as I have so much work on.

Bant probably thinks I'm fucking and eating my way around London 365 days a year.

OP is not the pantomime villain. What she is saying is quite normal and basic stuff.

My husband is a nightmare in some areas, but what he does "get" is the importance of doing dates "properly". Obviously, there's no paying issue now as it's all the same, but he will book something he thinks I'll like, book the babysitter and so on.

Being equal to men is not the same thing as being the same as them. There are certain "dating rituals" which happen naturally for many (most) people. I suppose you either get it or you don't, but hopefully people find their type, so why is it a problem.

Sounds lovely, Lu1a. It counts for a lot I think.

Re. organising. DH and his best mate organised our wedding. I cant be arsed with all that. It does my head in. Seating plans , catering ,cake, car, Im not a wedding person. But as women we cant win. Dont organise......... . get called lazy and dont leave it all to the man.

Do organise...........get called controlling or get called Bridezilla if its wedding plans.

Yes, exactly Helena: rock and a hard place. Me and ExH could agree on nothing when it came to our wedding. Red flag perchance??