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What are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

379 replies

Girlywurly · 19/05/2017 15:02

I'm thinking about this today, because yesterday I had to cancel an otherwise promising first date because the guy had still not confirmed details of where/when we were meeting by lunchtime on the day of the date, due to having lots of unscheduled business meetings.

I feel that this is very disrespectful of me, my time, and my work and parenting responsibilities. I'm not going to get all dressed up and sit waiting for my phone to buzz, especially when I've got a babysitter in who I've had to pay for.

The guy in question seemed quite surprised and uncomprehending when I messaged him to say I don't do last minute meets and suggest we were not compatible in this regard.

Got me thinking how everything has different notions of what's acceptable.

So what are your boundaries/red lines for dating?

OP posts:
dogfish1 · 22/05/2017 19:54

Geez, Harry and Bant. Half the women in the entire world are like the OP in wanting to be wooed. Despite spending aeons on MN you've failed to grasp basic dating psychology. Women on dates do not act or think like your mates. That does not make them escorts.

You're mighty lucky not to be competing for the fair hand of Portia, whose cunning old dad set her suitors a much tougher test than the OP does for herself, but essentially similar: “Who chooseth me must give and hazard all he hath.”. You guys would have been toast.

HarryElephante · 22/05/2017 19:55

Do you know any MPs...? (Must be Tory).

Do you care if they're married? They'll still book the table and pay for you!

Lu1a · 22/05/2017 19:55

Harry - Why all this mention of "City types?" The best kind of men are the ones who know what they want, are straightforward and make an effort. Is that too much to ask? If you have no money, so what? Go for a walk or something.

Girlywurly · 22/05/2017 19:59

Harry, I thought we'd established that I'm too busy looking up my own arse to even notice what their marital status is. Grin

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 22/05/2017 19:59

And our wedding was a registry office do followed by a meal in the hotel next door and a party at the best mans house afterwards. He had a very big garden.

Girlywurly · 22/05/2017 20:05

dogfish, I agree. My attitudes are hardly uncommon.

For me, it's absolutely impossible to feel desire without first feeling desired. I imagine this is true of most women. Men like to be desired, of course, but I don't think it's the foundation of their sexuality in the same way.

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 22/05/2017 20:05

Sounds lovely, Helena.

OP posts:
Bant · 22/05/2017 20:17

See, the organisation thing I can do. If I'm interested in someone I want to impress them, find out places they might like, book a table there, make myself look and smell nice and, yes, but the drinks and pay for the meal, if there is one, because I asked them out. If someone is interested enough to ask you out, they should organise details - although I still think that suggesting the evening and the type of date is reasonable, because he's possibly writing his thesis too. And teaching his students.

But.. I want them to be impressed by me too. I'm not ugly. I'm actually quite attractive, if not a model. I'm educated, I can be funny and generally make them laugh if there is any kind of connection. Usually they want a second date. Not always, but usually.

But I've been on dates before where women have suggested a pricier restaurant than the nice one I'd suggested. Where they had ordered cocktails with their starters and continued to order them throughout the meal, until they've had about fifty quids worth of alcohol while I'm on my second beer or wine. And they are, quite obviously, out for the experience. Wanting to be treated, at which point it's not about me, my personality, my looks. It's about the size of my wallet.

And at that point it's like going on a date with a man who just stares at your cleavage for the whole evening.

It's incredibly offputting.

Other women can do exactly the same thing - the cocktails etc, and at the end when the bill comes she'll say 'oh I had cocktails, you just had beer, let's split it because that's fair'

Them, I'll want to see again. Not because it saved me money, but because they have a sense of fairness. And fairness is important.

HarryElephante · 22/05/2017 20:19

For me, it's absolutely impossible to feel desire without first feeling desired.

I think everyone wants to be desired, I think the difference lies in how we all feel desired.

Girlywurly · 22/05/2017 20:20

BTW, it's nice to be bracketed with Portia, even if I was getting quite into the trollope thing. Grin

OP posts:
Lu1a · 22/05/2017 20:28

I think those kind of women stand out a mile through, Bant.
When DH worked in the city, there were women who used to just turn up in bars at lunchtime or early evening, just for free drinks / dinner probably. There are men who don't care and will go for this as well. But it's far from the norm.
In general, women are about substance rather than cash.

Girlywurly · 22/05/2017 20:30

Sounds like you need to screen your dates a lot better Bant if they're treating you as badly as that.

Suggesting a restaurant when you've been invited out is the height of rudeness. Either he's in charge or he's not. You can't plan a hot date by committee. As for what food and drink is ordered, often I let him choose for me. Wink

Other women can do exactly the same thing - the cocktails etc, and at the end when the bill comes she'll say 'oh I had cocktails, you just had beer, let's split it because that's fair'

To be honest, if I went out with a mate who wanted to work out who had what when the bill came, I'd be pretty appalled. It's shabby. I'd cringe with embarrassment. If you're splitting it's got to be 50/50.

OP posts:
dogfish1 · 22/05/2017 20:33

True, being desired (or at least not unwelcome) matters to all decent men but being seen as attractive is absolutely fundamental to a lot of women, which is why they get so worked up about looking nice and keep a vast fashion and beauty industry alive. It's also why they test men: to see if we're really keen, or just opportunistic shaggers. Looks manipulative but that's how it is.

Bant, the women you're talking about were quite another matter. They were bang out of order, and you should seriously have considered slipping into the loo then doing a runner out past the bins at the back.

HarryElephante · 22/05/2017 20:35

To be honest, if I went out with a mate who wanted to work out who had what when the bill came, I'd be pretty appalled.

Appalled that you may have to pay?

Oink.

HelenaDove · 22/05/2017 20:37

Im teetotal and at the age of nearly 44 ive never been drunk........not once. I grew up in a household where no alcohol (except on Christmas Day) was the norm so that is my normal. I dont even drink at Christmas now though. Havent for years. Ive never really liked the taste of alcoholic drinks so its no loss to me.

But the problem is non drinkers are seen as uptight. We have a huge drinking culture in this country and that is part of the problem as well as being expensive.

HarryElephante · 22/05/2017 20:38

True, being desired (or at least not unwelcome) matters to all decent men but being seen as attractive is absolutely fundamental to a lot of women

By 'attractive', do you mean physically attractive? Because attractiveness to me encompasses a whole manner of things of which phtsical appearance is just one.

Afterthestorm · 22/05/2017 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Girlywurly · 22/05/2017 20:39

No, appalled we're going to be shabbily rummaging around for small change. Calculators out, etc.

It's embarrassing.

I barely drink, btw, so it's not uncommon that I sub friends' booze. Except I don't think of it that way.

OP posts:
ziggy1986 · 22/05/2017 20:42

Girly - if I went out with a friend who wanted to work out what we had each spent I would think fair enough.

For example usually me and my friends will just split equally but if one person is not drinking I wouldn't dream of having that person contribute towards my alcoholic drinks.

I think it's really quite entitled to say that you think that is awful. Some people are on a budget. I have no issue at all with someone just paying for what they ordered.

Bant · 22/05/2017 20:43

Really girly? You'd go out with a mate who drinks forty quids worth of alcohol more than you do and you'd split fifty fifty?

They must fancy the pants off you

Afterthestorm · 22/05/2017 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Girlywurly · 22/05/2017 20:48

I'm on a budget, ziggy. I'd rather not go out than submit to that humiliating spectacle.

Afterthestorm, it's completely different - can't you see that? I don't want to fuck my friends (no pun intended Wink).

OP posts:
Lu1a · 22/05/2017 20:51

I go out with girlfriends all the time and they'll get through several bottles of wine over dinner. I don't drink wine at all as it makes me keel over and I hate beer. I do like the odd cocktail, but if it's not that kind of place I'll just have water. When the bill comes I wouldn't even think about quibbling over paying for the wine - even if the others suggest it. No way. Just split things according to how many people are there and be done with it.

Afterthestorm · 22/05/2017 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Girlywurly · 22/05/2017 20:52

Bant, I don't do it all the time. But yes, I have dropped £50+ in a cocktail bar when I've been on the sparking water. That's not really such a big deal is it?!?

OP posts: