Dh has died and the MN lifesavers are helping us to keep our heads above water

[JuanPotatoTwo]

New thread :). Thought I'd start this one like I ended the last one - Bertie crashed out after a busy day's mischief making.

Echt
x posted. Sorry you are upset, but its perfectly ok to be so. Its not something you can just forget, its going to creep up on you at times and pull the rug from under you. Do whatever you have to do to get throught the day, be 'selfish' (although its not selfish at all ) concentrate on you today and cry and rant about how unfair it all is if you need to. There is no time limit on grief. [hugs]

Thank you, Willow.

book I will try the Father Brown ones, they sound right up my street.

Talking of yorkshire puddings, I need lessons in making them. Mine always end up totally inedible, and I don't know why. DS has made them in my oven and they come out perfectly, but he just laughs at my efforts. I end up resorting to frozen ones, they are easier.

Willow hope it's finally sorted now. What a pain.

echt I'm so sorry

Oh Echt that sounds so tough for you :(. Perhaps it will make you feel better, even if just for a short time, having got a bit of it out yesterday. Are you Australian or just living there? What I suppose I mean is have you got family and friends around you? I guess if it's coming up to the first year anniversary of when your dh died this is going to be a hard horrible time for you. I'm bad enough every Sunday/Monday, can't imagine what I'll be like at the one year mark :( I'm sorry you're feeling stressed and that your life is horrible. Have you had bereavement counselling?

Willow that sounds like a stressful morning. I think the banks are all out to get you! Glad it's sorted. The travel agency was telling me about a method of getting currency called WeSwap - have any of you heard of it? You basically borrow money off other travellers which costs much much less than banks/bureau de change etc, and an electronic card to load up. It sounds interesting but I haven't had time to look into it yet.

Cake sorry about yet another sleepless night at yours - it must be so so frustrating for you, I don't know how you keep functioning without proper sleep. I'm barely coping and it's only been weeks for me as opposed to years for you. I still remember very very clearly the child raising years of disturbed sleep.

Drama I quite like frogs - I'll swap you! Beetles and spiders undo me completely, frogs, mice, rats, snakes - fine. Well, when I say fine if given the choice I'd avoid but I can at least behave rationally around them! book Joan Hickson is Miss Marple isn't she although I do quite like Margaret Rutherford too.

Well dd is officially single and utterly heartbroken. He told her last night he's really sorry but he doesn't love her any more :(. Better to know now but I'm so so sad for her and angry at him. I feel duped almost. I loved him and trusted him, let alone dd loving him :( We knew from the start they were complete opposites but often that's a good thing. And it seemed to be in theirs until the last few weeks. His timing is crap - she's had such a bad year god love her. I feel that he's one of those people who doesn't really properly know how to be happy (he's 29 so older than dd and therefore I thought more mature) and will never be content until he finds perfection. And we all know how easy that is to find don't we? [ Going to meet her now in her lunch break.

Hope Selena and her Dh doing ok - anyone heard anything?

Juan, I live in Australia and am a citizen, though we moved here 11 years ago in my early 50s. It's just DD and me here. We have loving and supportive rels and friends in the UK.

When reading about the significance of anniversaries in the bereavement lit, while not discounting it, it had no real meaning for me until now. I didn't think I would be feeling better or worse, just couldn't imagine it.

As for counselling, as it happens both DD and I decided a week or so ago that now is the time. My DH's employers offer five free sessions, so I'll give it a go.

Oh no Echt that sounds awful for you. I always feel guilty in sobbing over people too (bank man, CBT counsellor and GP all in the last 6 months) and I haven't even had a bereavement to deal with.

He's struggled on and off since weaning started book but had been so much better recently so could well be the Piriton or general dehydration from spending too much time running around in the heat and not drinking enough at school.

I'm OK actually Juan just one foot in front of the other but I'm grateful I had my children at 25 and 31 and not left it later!

Hugs to you and DD, she's had a tough time of it as have you but she's still lucky to have her mum close for support. Also better to have halted things now rather then moving in/kids much as you don't want her to be unhappy

Off to make lunch! Starving!

Juan your poor lovely DD . As you say, better to have found out now but it won't stop her feeling heartbroken. I know she doesn't know me, but please give her a big hug from me. I'm glad she's living at home so you are around for her

Afternoon
I want to give you a big ((hug)) echt - sadly a long way away..... It is horrible, there can be no disputing it, and people seem to assume because you are coping on the outside, then you are coping on the inside too
Juan - your poor, poor DD - like Drama send love and strength from me . Horrible, horrible , and such a poor excuse of a man sadly - at 29 he should be better than that.
Cake - hope DS is sorted soon - do you use stuff, or ride it out ? Though getting the things down them that helps can be a bit tricky .
Willow - I do hope you have all this documented, and put in a complaint - stress levels must be high - it will take all your holiday to calm down.
It is a beautiful sunny day here , and I popped in to see one of my old customers this morning on the way to the allotment -( I hope I will be like her - 84 , still as bright as a button, knits, sews, bakes, gardens ) It held me up a bit , as she loves a chat , and it was the same at the allotment - the sun brings everyone out, coming to see you and also a to have a quick natter. I got virtually nothing done ....
Extra Thoughts and Prayers to all today xx

Book thats an idea, if I get the time Bleeping useless lot.

Juan poor dd, what an absolute useless git of a man. YOu would think by 29 he would have a clue by now. 'perfect'? Hope he is or he might fall of his high horse We have all been there, there isnt much to do except help her ride it out. Sending hugs from one who has been there more times than I care to remember

I like frogs to look at, dont like them jumping at me though. Its weird I used to go raking in woods and by local lochs/lakes etc when young. We collected frog swawn, caught frogs etc but now... Sometimes when cutting the grass we find a frog/toad in the long grass at the wall and they freak me out when they jump out at me, its ridiculous, whats a frog going to do to me?

But birds.... thats a whole other story. Love looking at them, expecially at the colours and patterns on their feathers, watching birds of prey etc but have one flap those wings near me...OMG its terrifying for some stupid reason. Have been know to be stuck in kitchen till someone comes home if a bird gets into the living room! Once when out with minded kid there was a bird sitting just in front of the doorstep. It had either been stunned by flying into a window or injured. I couldnt go near the door! Luckily kids mum was arriving in 10 minutes and she picked it up and put it on the lawn. Felt such a fool but I just couldnt go near it. We are ridiculous things we humans arent we? (Disclaimer: I will force myself to do something if its amazing, like holding a scorpion at Longleat with DS2, going into the aviary at zoo, theme parks etc, holding amazing snakes and aligators at Gator Land. I am not a complete woose )

Willow I think you should complain too. I'm hoping this means you've had all your stress and have a lovely holiday!

I am a complete ninny but my defence is that I grew up in a country where spiders and things can kill you and I'm sticking to that

I have lactulose in the house, but we haven't needed to use it book Wow, yes I'd love to be like that lady too (guess I'd need to learn how to do all those things in retirement though).

Just sent DH out to do the school run because I can't face it with two small people and myself overheating and then a grumpy DS too!

Juan I'm hoping your daughter doesn't feel her ears burning by all of us talking about her here, but of course it's in a loving, supportive, auntie sort of way. Hope she will bounce back. Rebounds can be wonderful things

Book
My aunt is like that. 87 and just back from 3 months in Oz with her family. She goes to crafts nights, makes lots of lovely things, does coffee mornings, goes on trips all over the place with her local OAP groups, rural etc. Bakes, gardens (albeit a bit at a time these days, she has back problems) and is organising someone to come in and completely redecorate her living room. I wish I had half her energy (and social life!)

Willow my DS3 is like you with birds. He's a great big strapping young man who is reduced to trembling jelly if a bird gets in the house. He's a complete hero with spiders though, will pick up in his hands large ones that most people run away screaming from.

Hope everyone is doing OK this evening.

cake sneaking n to wish you all a good night. DS all quiet and pooped out literally so I'm going to get my head down too.

Thinking of you Juan squirrel and echt

Evening
All okay here -
went back and did some more work at the allotment after the dentist - and all is well with my teeth too! ( Not that I have many, ever :) ) Picked pounds of strawberries, so nice family across the way got all the spare I had - just left a nice bowlful each for dessert tonight. I get sick very soon of them tbh :)
So muggy, so have had a bath, resolutely did not watch the news, and now just having a break from the crotchet .
DH has seen an old fashioned auction on tomorrow, so we are going to have a day out, amble around and have lunch out.
Hope everyone is okay x

Cake - pooped out

Hi Juan, thank you so much for asking about me. I've posted on I'm not OK but others having traumas/good news too so I've given up posting on there pro tem.

I found DH half out of bed 3rd June, he's been in hospital since. Now diabetic, immobile, doubly incontinent. Urine infection causing temporary confusion now been sorted, which makes it worse in a way as DH is aware of what is going on. Palliative Care didn't seem to think he was right for hospice but didn't give much of a reason why. They also promised to phone last Friday and didn't. Consultant said DH should be in hospice and miffed they've not contacted him, even though Team seen DH every day.

Been an absolute nightmare and like someone up thread, I cried at the dentist's today (well, in my defence, he's known us both for 10+ years). I feel as though I've been fighting for DH with no one listening, and I just want him, and the family, to be able to enjoy (not right word but hopefully you know what I mean) his last days/weeks, not endure this non-communication especially as he's in a grim ward.

This evening the ward sister said the discharge team had been in touch (at one point Pall Care said he could come home -- what? Turned every 2 hours, high levels of Oxycodone, plus injections, oxygen, diabetes checks etc etc). She then said it would be 24 hour care, not at home. Fingers crossed maybe the hospice.

Felt a bit relieved, but I'm no longer holding my breath for common sense to prevail. So sorry for the rant, I hope you're not sorry you asked!

I'm sorry Selena, that sounds very tough. Much love to you and your DH. I hope you manage to get the right kind of care sorted soon & that he is as comfortable as he can be. I hope you are able to look after yourself too

Oh Selena I'm so sorry to hear things are so bad for DH and stressful for you in what is a horrible enough time. I really hope that he can be moved somewhere more appropriate. (((hugs)))

Had a phone call from DD's teacher last night so feeling even more reassured.

Morning
Well, I am up much earlier than usual - far too warm last night.
Selena - there are not any words to help, but I wish you strength to get through this utterly horrible time. It makes you feel so powerless when you are messed around from pillar to post , and that is so stressful when you have enough on your plate . Hand hold from me .

Selena sorry to hear your DH is having a bad time. Hopefully it will all be sorted out today and you will get the hospice place he deserves. It's so frustrating when staff dont communicate I know from experience.

Thank you - all of you .

Well well, got up at 5:30 and got ready, did school run etc and then went to bed for an hour. It's only taken weeks of threatening that I would to do it. Only thing is that I feel really rubbish after a day time sleep.

I've cleaned the upstairs and packed for swimming lessons. Just need to make DD and I a picnic to eat while there (boys are going to stay home).

How are the bereaved children feeling about Fathers day? My friend split from her ex 2 years ago and he died unexpectedly at 40 earlier this year. They are finding it tough going and she especially as she feels she shouldn't grieve as they weren't together. Such a complex thing, grief, isn't it?

Thinking of you all x

Hello all. Selena I'm so sorry your dh is struggling and suffering, and that you are having to endure all the trauma, not only of that, but of the uncertainty and of the way things are being managed. I really really feel for you. I hope the best solution for your dh is found and put into place asap.

Mark's main consultant and his dialysis nurses (he had 3 over 20 years so got to know them all well) couldn't have done more for us over the years, but he had many many hospital stays or clinic visits where it couldn't have been made plainer that the docs thought their time was more important than ours, and that they knew better. Mark had had kidney illness for 25 years, had home dialysed himself for 15 years, trusted T his consultant and N his nurse implicitly.

Obviously he wasn't a qualified doctor but he knew his illness. His hospital notes made a pile ceiling high and there was no way any of the many new docs he encountered could be familiar with the intricacies of his illness. It used to infuriate him when some medics would try to patronise him but fortunately he could hold his own. I say "fortunately" because, sitting here now, I can think of at least three instances, where if Mark had allowed the docs to do as they proposed, he would have died. And I'm sure there were probably more.

Sorry for the rant - I have the utmost admiration for the dedicated and hardworking staff of the NHS, but there are exceptions. I'm the sort of person who would accept unquestioningly what a medic advised me to do but it's become a bit of a hobby horse of mine now to tell people to ask ask ask questions.

Just waiting to meet heartbroken dd for lunch, will return.

Selena there are no words that will make things better, but I hope you can get a better care package in place for your DH. I am thinking of you both.

Just checking in. Hay fever central here. DD came out with big puffy eyes so abandoned plans for swimming lessons, extra meds and eye drops (and cucumber slices). DS is in bed but has sneezed at least 6 times in the last 10 minutes. My eyes also itchy but I can cope.

Sending hugs to you all. Hope DD OK Juan