We're 10 years into a relationship, kids, and I'm really struggling with our sex-life or lack of.
I dont know what to do anymore. We are so badly matched. I have a high sex drive and an underlying interest in kink (all those years ago I naiively thought it was one of the other. Internet was different then. I wasn't interested in just "playing" or one night stands. I wanted a relationship and kids...) I can't work him out at all.
About a year or so ago he went to the doctors for a testosterone test (which was normal). He's not adverse to help in and of itself. He's so bloody passive that I'd have to book and arrange anything but we can't really afford therapy and his work shifts are irregular.
I think I need to know how to live with it. I've considered asking the Dr for antidepressants hoping they'd kill my drive.
It's hard to explain the emotions but I feel so disconnected and so rejected. I know I can't force him to want me/sex I just wish he desired me. I can see for him love and sex aren't connected. He's an amazing person and dad, truly. Very hands on, cooks, never criticises me at all. Loves me very much. Doesn't seem to be attracted to anyone else.
About once every 6-10 weeks I try and initiative a discussion about what I can do differently/what would work and I just end up feeling so frustrated and worse/hopeless. Mayve I just need to give up. I feel like if only I could work out what his problem is I could sold it.
I love the times we have been intimate and connected. He says he does too and wishes we were more like it.
It feels like double speak -
He says he fancies me, likes my body and so I say why does he never act on it then.
I say it would be easier if he just told me he had no drive and wasn't interested/is gay. He says he is interested /only wants me and just doesn't understand why he's the way he is.... But with no guidance as to what would work for him.
I used to try initiating more but just felt so rejected when he'd say he was tired/not interested.
I could honestly give him oral for ages and he'd say "that's really nice" as if it was just a pleasant massage and not want any more.
It feels like he's not interested in my arousal or turning me on. (He claims he is, but does nothing)
It's a mess isn't it. Any ideas?!