help living with little sex.

[Percytheparkkeeper]

We're 10 years into a relationship, kids, and I'm really struggling with our sex-life or lack of.

I dont know what to do anymore. We are so badly matched. I have a high sex drive and an underlying interest in kink (all those years ago I naiively thought it was one of the other. Internet was different then. I wasn't interested in just "playing" or one night stands. I wanted a relationship and kids...) I can't work him out at all.

About a year or so ago he went to the doctors for a testosterone test (which was normal). He's not adverse to help in and of itself. He's so bloody passive that I'd have to book and arrange anything but we can't really afford therapy and his work shifts are irregular.

I think I need to know how to live with it. I've considered asking the Dr for antidepressants hoping they'd kill my drive.

It's hard to explain the emotions but I feel so disconnected and so rejected. I know I can't force him to want me/sex I just wish he desired me. I can see for him love and sex aren't connected. He's an amazing person and dad, truly. Very hands on, cooks, never criticises me at all. Loves me very much. Doesn't seem to be attracted to anyone else.

About once every 6-10 weeks I try and initiative a discussion about what I can do differently/what would work and I just end up feeling so frustrated and worse/hopeless. Mayve I just need to give up. I feel like if only I could work out what his problem is I could sold it.

I love the times we have been intimate and connected. He says he does too and wishes we were more like it.

It feels like double speak -
He says he fancies me, likes my body and so I say why does he never act on it then.
I say it would be easier if he just told me he had no drive and wasn't interested/is gay. He says he is interested /only wants me and just doesn't understand why he's the way he is.... But with no guidance as to what would work for him.

I used to try initiating more but just felt so rejected when he'd say he was tired/not interested.
I could honestly give him oral for ages and he'd say "that's really nice" as if it was just a pleasant massage and not want any more.

It feels like he's not interested in my arousal or turning me on. (He claims he is, but does nothing)

It's a mess isn't it. Any ideas?!

I ask him what he wants me to do differently, what I can do to help/not do.

I feel so useless.

Hi OP. I have written your posts before (under various different usernames!).

We were together for 11 years, have two young children. A month ago I ended it. I can't tell you how BRILLIANT I feel!! I never imagined I could feel this good having the stress of all this taken away. Friends I've spoken to on the phone only have commented on my voice and people are commenting on how I'm looking really good at the moment. I've not changed a single thing about myself. Yes, we've got to work out living arrangements and finances, but we're good friends. We have a good relationship as co-parents too, so we're living as friendly co-parents for now. Nobody knows we've separated even his family who live nearby and see us daily, because actually nothing has changed other than we no longer have the constant sex and intimacy stress. I'm not sad because he's not interested and he's relieved from not having to try anymore - and neither of us realised fully how much this has impacted us before.

He had been going to a sex therapist sometimes, but it was of limited use, because he wasn't being honest (which was only discovered when I came to a session and mentioned something crucial in passing and the therapist had no idea what I was talking about - lots unravelled).

The bottom line is that if you want something, you go and get it. I think STBX felt like he "should" want it, but really, he didn't and doesn't: when he wants to eat a steak, he buys and cooks a steak! It sounds simplistic, but it's absolutely true. And it extends to solving a problem. If he has a problem that he considers a problem and he wants a solution, he goes and finds a solution. He was simply not unhappy having no sex. He was unhappy at my reaction to having none, but not the lack of it itself. My conclusion is that he was confused by what he felt he should want and what he actually wanted and that he's asexual/maybe grey-asexual.

My advice would be to do what you can, investigate options you feel like, but don't give all of yourself to his "problem". All that does is whittle down your self-esteem. But do spend that energy on doing things for yourself. You will not solve this, he has to either decide he is just being lazy, or that he doesn't want it. Give him a deadline in your mind or out loud and spend it not fretting on what he's not doing, but investing your energy in building yourself up. And perhaps see a counsellor yourself to look at your own feelings about this and how you can keep your self-esteem intact as much as possible - the eating and weight gain in this case (me too) is a direct reflection on how you feel about the situation and yourself.

Good luck OP and everybody else. It really doesn't have to be the end of the world separating (and if I look back I tried actively for about 8 years - separating wasn't a whim). And ultimately, it's far better for the children to grow up with two parents who get on, than two parents who live together seething with resentment, picking fights with one another and are generally unhappy - or trying to pretend they're not.

And while I'm here, when you've gone through something like this, ending a marriage is not a failure, it's a very brave step for your future.

Congratulations!!! It sounds like it's really worked for you. So much sounds so similar, I've even send to him, " stop telling me you want it, if you'd want it and I'm on offer you'd take it!!!" or words to thatt effect. If he's hungry he wouldn't moan he's hungry when challenged and not eat for 3 months.

I'm scared I'm going to mentally check out of the relationship. I dont want it to be over and he supports me in so many practical ways. It really is just the sex....

I sometimes wish I could just switched off that part of me, I hate how depressed I am at the moment. It's probably not all sue to the relationship though, I have so many self esteem issues I'm probably just focusing on it.

Maybe I'm over romanticising and expecting too much from a relationship. Investigation too much in wanting sexual intimacy.

If he never initiates then it sounds as if he has no-libido or is asexual rather than low-libido. The fact he does not get hard from kissing and cuddling and being close would be more concerning to me than him not initiating. It suggests that when he is relaxed, not thinking about it and being affectionate his bits are not responding accordingly.

I take it he never pleasures himself?

You sound mismatched from the outset on this front rather than him suddenly having a problem, unless I have read things wrongly as you said conception was a miracle considering lack of action. Perhaps this is just how he is. I do think if he is not bothered about it and is happy, it would make me rethink things if I were you. The only way it will change, in my opinion, is if he wants it to and takes steps to alter the situation. It shouldn't have to come solely from you trying to change it.

Would he want to go to a sex therapist with you?

I completely understand the need to feel desired and sexually fulfilled. If I chose to be in a relationship, it is part of why I would be in one rather than be single, as that closeness and intimacy and feeling desired is something unachievable alone.

P.S. You are not wrong for wanting it! He is not wrong for his choices, but he is wrong for being unwilling to do anything to explore a resolution with you, in my opinion. That's not to say you could resolve it satisfactorily for both people, but at least both parties should try or else the relationship seems likely to breakdown.

The average person expects sexual activity, pleasure, intimacy and so on from being in a monogamous relationship, so wanting that and missing that is not expecting too much.

Percy -
When you say 'i'd suggested' and 'he didn't follow up' - it's again - the expectation you have for HIM to take initiative....
But it's not the reality you live in.

In your reality - YOU go to lovehoney (i think?) or Ann Summers - buy yourself toys, or whatever.
Then, when kids are asleep - YOU show them to him.
Then YOU go to the bedroom and put on some porn, or whatever it is that you need....
And maybe he won't come the first time.
But next time - YOU take his hand and bring him over.
And let him watch.

If he gets excited seeing you orgasm, it's a good sign. Baby steps. Let him see you do it over and over.
Who knows.

And, if that fails - i understand in BDSM world there are different arrangements and venues. And clubs? I am sure you can find an arrangement where you don't end up falling for you partner(s)

His bits respond once he's pleasure me on the occasions we do get together. And occasionally that's followed through with a week or two of closeness and sex. He claims he likes these and wishes we did that more.....and then doesn't. "I need to make more effort to reconnect because I like it when we do." but then he doesn't. It feels like it's a chore he has to add to his list and then forgets to do....which doesn't make me feel great!!

I admit I screwed up and we were mismatched. I didn't realise it at the time, didn't even know it could be so much of an issue. Yes I'd do things differently, but im here now and it's the relationship I'm in

I think he's bothered that I'm upset/it upsets me more than he is for himself. I wish he'd just bloody well tell me what he wants. If he just said no sex, it would make sense but he says he wants sex and intimacy. Maybe he just likes the "idea"of sex and intimacy.

I dont even know what to tell him to do. I need him to take initiative and do something. I think he gets stuck in atrap where he's fearful he won't please me and does nothing. I've said we can learn technique together, just say he's exploring, take the pressure off....Oh I don't know.

I was scared I'd check out too. I told him that. I kept talking to him (or at him if he appeared to not be listening) and letting him know that, for example, I had never been able to contemplate divorce, but this situation was now making me question that, which was stressful because I didn't want to get divorced. Things like that. I kept him up to date. It did mean arguments, but when the time came and I couldn't take it any more, it wasn't like it came from absolutely nowhere. I was also hoping that he'd jump into action and do something, but very sadly, he simply didn't.

It's not about wanting too much from a relationship either. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting sex and intimacy. And there's equally nothing wrong with wanting sex and intimacy. It's only a problem when you're with someone who wants the one you don't! Asexuality is seen as a sexual orientation by many - like being straight or gay, there's not a lot you can do about it and there's nothing wrong with it.

I also have my own problems and I have therapy for them. Not every problem in my life, including self-esteem was caused by him. A better matched partner, however, would at the very least not have made those issues worse - and if they realised they had, they would do anything to undo that.

By the way, I'm not saying our situations are exactly the same, although they do sound very similar, and divorce/separation may not be right for you. But, I've been on and read so many threads like this and it was rare to see that it could be ok to end it.

I had always understood that good relationships are "hard work" and that you have to invest yourself in them. I think any relationship that causes you to feel terrible about yourself, for any reason, and especially on an ongoing basis, isn't a good relationship.

The saying he wants sex and intimacy and enjoying it when it happens and that he should make the effort is a total and utter headf*ck. Forget the words. Watch for his actions.

And I'd be careful about the Ann Summers/Love Honey suggestion above, because if you're feeling bad, that could be horrifically humiliating. That's something to try out near the beginning of a relationship when things aren't working, but your'e not sure why. It's something that makes you 100x more vulnerable after years of rejection - and ONLY having intimacy when YOU initiate can be a form of rejection over a long period of time.

I could just cry reading this - I've been wanting to post exactly what you said for ages. It really could have been me writing all of your posts! We've been together 5 years and have a 9mo DD. He actively put in effort (If you know what I mean, sounds awful!) so we could have her as it took a long time TTC. It just breaks my heart getting turned down so I've pretty much stopped trying. I think it's been maybe 2/3 times in the last 12 months. Can't even think about leaving him. Am so stuck totally feel for you.

It feels like a headfuck. It really does. I can see he is really upset to hurt me though and doesn't mean to. In any other area he'd do anything for me. He's taken the kids out now as I got into such a low grump after talking with him this morning about it. He pops to the shops if I want something.

I dont get it. I feel so stupid.

The masturbating in front of him idea so wouldn't work. Id feel more vulnerable and rejected. I used to cuddle up to him in bed, try to touch him and arouse him, even bj and then just feel so so rejected when he was all "that's nice, shall we sleep now." He genuinely appreciated it but in the way I might appreciate interested a back massage, no desire to actualky arouse me/take it anywhere. Ive stopped doing it due to not handling all the rejected.

Rejection.

Same here. I'd try and start touching him and he'd pretty much fall asleep. I'd be in tears with my DH lying next to me clueless. What a life...

Oh flisspot so sorry you're in that position too. :( Hugs.

Maybe we can support each other. Id love to hear how someone persevered and it improved! I think if you've not experienced it its probably hard to imagine .

Id forgotten I actualky went to my doctor (where I lived then) and talked to him about it when we were first together. He just laughed and said about sex outfit/music/meal etc but that didn't/doesn't work. And then I feel sillyfor hoping etc.

Oh flisspot that's it exactly. The number of times he's fallen asleep and I've ended up in tears. Or we've ended up talking about it for ages and me getting upset when just touching me/sex would have surely been much easier/quicker.l!!!

You are all flogging a dead horse with this. Once it gets like this and has been for a longer than a short period, it won't get better.

I have been through all this many times in my 15 year marriage. Got me nowhere.

I found a lover. That was my solution. It works very well for me. I accept it wouldn't suit everyone though.

I am still married and we have a nice life because I don't put pressure on him but have my needs met elsewhere.

That all happened with me too. He's a really great and considerate friend and flatmate.

You know on MN there's often advice about preparing yourself for a divorce. I kind of followed that, albeit over a long period of time. I was completely, completely stuck (expats living in a country I couldn't work in) and tied to him which made it all worse. Very slowly, I started planning that IF the worst (which it turns out hasn't been!) case scenario were to happen, that I wouldn't be in the worst situation ever. I opened an account, I spoke to a lawyer about how things would work - and I also told him I was going to do these things, bit by bit as I got my head around them. But all the time I was doing them, it was just to make me feel slightly less vulnerable, not because i actually wanted to leave him. And i told him that too.

I saw it as the more I built myself up, the less reliant I was on him and that could only be a good thing, in any scenario.

I'm wondering if there are things you could do to invest in yourself and reduce any vulnerability you feel that yes, may assist in case of divorce, but ultimately would also profit your marriage?

Yes! Crikey - are we living the same life!?! I really can't see it changing here unfortunately, hoping I can learn to live without it without becoming depressed. I honestly feel that way sometimes, but really that's my only issue (along with general tiredness from having a 9mo) the rest of our life is good. And I do love him.

:( HIG.

I couldn't make a lover work. Id be consumed by them /wanting to see them.

Sex and intimacy /relationship is so mixed for me. I need to find a way to survive this as going elsewhere would break us.

I'm also not likely to find someone in my current state. It's circular isn't it. I woukdnt ve so large/depressed if I was in a happy relationship!!!

All other things are great. He's considerate, kind, generous, brilliant with kids. We enjoy each others company etc. I could have sex but not have all that! And I like the life were building together. I just want sex and intimacy to be part of it.

I was wondering about suggesting a night once a week but is that putting pressure back on him. I know we'd not say that to a woman who didn't want sex. But then he thinks he does. Oh I don't know.
And he doesn't really know what to do half the time purely through lack of experience. Or is it interest in my reactions? It feels like once he's interested its a race where he has to go as fast as he can so a minute to fiddle then his hand goes down there and I'm just not ready and it turns me off completely. I want him to learn my body, to want ro pleasure me and please me and in turn to be able to please him. Id do so much to please him if only he wanted it (kinky bent, I really would.) He just doesn't want it does he.

Gosh flisspot we are the same. I want to have it not affect me or me get depressed rather than get divorced!!

I have no career anymore. I'm not in a position to easily find one. Which also stresses me no end.

Every relationship has its issues doesn't it. A partner dedicated to sport, or one obsessed with money or gaming or whatever. We're well matched apart from his. This is our issue. I just feel like I'm flailing knowing how to live with it.

He certainly doesn't seem to have much imagination I wonder if very early on he had premature ejaculation? Clearly not now!

Antidepressants do massively screw up libido but what you've posted doesn't suggest he's on them.

I agree with those who suggest building yourself and your own life up so that the fridge is not your only friend. i say this as a comfort eater myself.

I have to say that if you do talk about it more, I think challenging his statements that he wants more sex would be worth it. Because you're right - if he really wanted more sex, well, he can have it. So at least on some level (and the most obvious one), he doesn't. If you haven't had sex for a year, then he really doesn't want it

Please don't believe you're doomed to a life of either no sexual satisfaction/intimacy or shitty single parenthood (as i did). There are other options out there. But none of them are going to happen by themselves.

I'm not advocating divorce, but just signalling that I hope you're careful, because this can lead to some unimaginably dark places that are actually unnecessary to go to.