help living with little sex.

[Percytheparkkeeper]

We're 10 years into a relationship, kids, and I'm really struggling with our sex-life or lack of.

I dont know what to do anymore. We are so badly matched. I have a high sex drive and an underlying interest in kink (all those years ago I naiively thought it was one of the other. Internet was different then. I wasn't interested in just "playing" or one night stands. I wanted a relationship and kids...) I can't work him out at all.

About a year or so ago he went to the doctors for a testosterone test (which was normal). He's not adverse to help in and of itself. He's so bloody passive that I'd have to book and arrange anything but we can't really afford therapy and his work shifts are irregular.

I think I need to know how to live with it. I've considered asking the Dr for antidepressants hoping they'd kill my drive.

It's hard to explain the emotions but I feel so disconnected and so rejected. I know I can't force him to want me/sex I just wish he desired me. I can see for him love and sex aren't connected. He's an amazing person and dad, truly. Very hands on, cooks, never criticises me at all. Loves me very much. Doesn't seem to be attracted to anyone else.

About once every 6-10 weeks I try and initiative a discussion about what I can do differently/what would work and I just end up feeling so frustrated and worse/hopeless. Mayve I just need to give up. I feel like if only I could work out what his problem is I could sold it.

I love the times we have been intimate and connected. He says he does too and wishes we were more like it.

It feels like double speak -
He says he fancies me, likes my body and so I say why does he never act on it then.
I say it would be easier if he just told me he had no drive and wasn't interested/is gay. He says he is interested /only wants me and just doesn't understand why he's the way he is.... But with no guidance as to what would work for him.

I used to try initiating more but just felt so rejected when he'd say he was tired/not interested.
I could honestly give him oral for ages and he'd say "that's really nice" as if it was just a pleasant massage and not want any more.

It feels like he's not interested in my arousal or turning me on. (He claims he is, but does nothing)

It's a mess isn't it. Any ideas?!

Sorry OP but you don't really have any options. It's either stay and be miserable or leave and be probably happier either on your own or you may meet someone who does want a sexual relationship.

Your partner isn’t interested in seeing if the issue is something which can be overcome which shows he just isn't that bothered. I couldn't be with someone like that but maybe you can. Only you can decide.

The other underlying problem with this is that OP has no control over this situation. This isn't a "dry spell" or three weeks without sex. It's a complete lack of intimacy. It's so much more than a lack of intercourse.

What this does is rob you of your sense of womanhood. Something you probably weren't aware of until you notice it's gone. It's not gone because you let yourself go, it's gone because you've ceased to exist as a woman. It's like an externally imposed asexuality.

Think if you're not feeling at your best and someone pays you a compliment. It feels good and changes how you feel about yourself. This is the EXACT opposite..but worse. Because it's every single inaction, especially in moments you think something, anything, may happen that chips away at how you feel, not every time someone (DH) makes a comment.

It's honestly not something you can understand feeling unless you've been there. Not to say that brainstorming isn't great (which is essentially posting in a forum), but as an explanation about why things like focussing on your health for 6 months ultimately don't make massive differences. The problems with self-esteem are symptoms of the problem, nothing to do with the root of the problem itself.

Namechanged. Blimey. I want to hug you and cry at the same time. That is exactly it.

I've been in a minimal sex relationship - my DP is also diabetes type 1 and has a low sex drive - we did spilt up for 7 months. (not just because of the sex) During our time apart I went out with 2 other guys and the sex was everything I'd ever dreamed of and despite one of them not being all that physically attractive.

I'm aware that sex in the beginning of relationships is often fuelled by lust and that this was likely to tail off over time but what I most missed (when I was getting all the fab sex) was all the other things that are so good with my DP.

Our trial separation worked - we hated it apart and got back together 5 months ago - and the sex is still not what I had with the other guys but who gets 100% perfect anyway? I'm completely happy with my choice. That's a conscious decision I have made.

I also agree with jo.

Percy I really get how you want him to want you but just like love it all has to come from you first - you need to want you.. you need to address your insecurities and stop thinking that if only he wanted you everything would be perfect.

I was exactly the same...and still have lots of insecurities from my childhood that I continue to work on - I can't expect anyone else to make me feel good - that's my job.

There's a great book about putting your focus in the right place - "From stress to stillness" by Gina Lake. It completely changed my life.

Not read the whole thread but noticed you said you can't afford therapy - there's always Relate who are a (very cheap) charity. They basically ask what you can afford and they have specialist sex therapists.

Relate say 40-60 online. I think it's something we could consider in the future.

My partner and I went to relate and due to our financial situation we paid £15 a session. They are very flexible and really want to help

DidI - YES about it messing with entrenched ideas of 'being a woman'. It's sad but it's true that we're raised to think being sexually appealing is important and it's so destructive when someone you love doesn't.

I think as well, an awful lot of women are, sadly, used to pretty crap sex. But because of that, ime women are often more willing to 'fake it' - e.g. the previous poster who'd be happy with once a month, but does it twice a week. One of the hugest issues I have with my situation is that he didn't seem to consider that I might find it a problem at all. He would just turn me down or ignore the issue where I think a woman would be hyper aware of not 'giving' enough and would probably fake it - I know I would, if I was in a relationship I loved. I'm not talking about having sex you hate, nobody should do that, but instead of making my choice 'leave a great relationship due to no sex' why isn't he making the choice 'have occasional sex in order to keep my great relationship'?

Hello percy and others, I'm glad to have found you all as I could have written this post too. In fact I posted similar thread on mumsnet in 2014! And nothing has really changed.

It is very hard. I can go for weeks feeling alright about it, but then it gets to me and the lack of sex gets me down. It's such a hard thing though. A few years ago, I did have a couple of tearful heart to hearts with my husband and he promised to try harder etc, and for a while he did but it didn't last...and the thing was that after these conversations I wasn't sure if he was having sex with me because he wanted me or because he felt obliged/pitying. It made me feel really needy and I didn't like it. I know I have a right to have a good sex life in my marriage but equally I don't want to have to nag my DH as I don't want him to feel obliged to have sex with me...I want him to want me! So it's a catch 22 really. These days I keep quiet and hide my sadness. We maybe have sex every few months. At my initiation.

I don't know if I can stay. I don't know if I can leave. We have a young DS who is my world. DH is a good husband in every other way. It's such a sad, sad situation and I really feel for the rest of you who are struggling with this too. Let's keep talking and supporting each other. Xx

PS percy I don't think it's got anything to do with size. I am size 10 and quite fit as I walk and run! Being in a sex less marriage can happen to anyone.

Oh Gawd. I could have written this.
But I've kind of managed to fix it.

2 years ago we were having sex about 3-4 times a year. Even a holiday away for a week without the children led to only having sex twice (despite months of drought beforehand). I'd like in bed at night desperate for him to touch me, and he'd always be "too tired" or "I'm too old" (early 40s).
I worried that childbirth had changed me so much that he just didn't find me attractive or too damaged, so had pelvic floor repair, which hurt like hell. But still no difference.

In the end, 2 years ago I broke down and said I couldn't go on and would have to leave. He promised to try harder and now it's every 1-2 weeks. Which is better but I can't get over that he is doing it just so I don't leave rather than because he wants to. So I still don't feel attractive or desired. I'm not sure if I just need to get over this, or there is no solution.

But I really don't want to break up my children's home just so I can have sex with someone who really wants to have sex with me. And the reality is that it would be me that has to leave as he is the main carer at the moment. And I can't leave my children.

After the birth of my 2nd child 8 yrs ago, i started to sleep with the baby and husband was sent to sleep in the guest bedroom. This continued for at least next 5-6 yrs since the kid had eczema and used to wake up ever so often at night crying and scratching madly. In those 6 years, we barely had intimate cuddling for 6 times and zero penetrative sex. Earlier it was like a packet of condom finished in a month. And in this 6 years we didnt need a single packet of condom. My husband used to grumble occasionally but I really didnt used to miss sex much. It became a very unlikeable chore for me and I never initiated or even showed any encouragement. The 1st couple of years it was post-baby tiredness but later on it became a habit and sense of freedom. I became used to sleeping by myself in our bed and husband in the guest bed-room bed. Actually it was really difficult for me to come out of the habit while I am pretty sure my husband resented it and infact spoken of this inappropriate arrangement quite a few times, once infront of our friends! Although I felt bad but I didn't want to change this arrangement at all. Its a miracle that he didnt leave me for another woman (hopefully!).
I dont know why I am telling you all this but it happens the other way round too. It took active co-operation and effort from me to reverse the situation. It also helped that my husband too had high libido. Even though we still continue to sleep separately but now we have active sex or very intimate cuddling at least 2 times a week ( cant be any more as he works away from home for 3-4 days a week). Now I really look forward for these private times and encourage more hugging etc. It has also helped that our kids are now a little older so less dependency on us. I am having more sex now at 44 than I had at 36-43. But that required a lot of effort from me. If it was solely my husband's persistence then it wouldnt have worked. OP, your husband too has to give a hell lot of an effort, otherwise your initiations will all fall into deaf ears.

Hope you really find and get what you want OP.

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread but I was in a marriage this like for 12 years. It made me feel so rejected.
Unbelievably, he actually had an affair and left which made me feel even worse.
I actually think he found it difficult that I was very sexually confident and also liked a bit of kink. I think it may have been a way to control me. Long and short of it is that I met my current partner and have had more sex in two years than I had in my entire marriage. Heartbreaking.
I do miss his friendship, and our family life, but I don't miss that pit in my stomach when I was knocked back, or being unable to speak honestly about sex.
We only have one life, and sex is a big thing for me, my hand was forced but i am much happier now.

Have only read page 1, but, same, right down to the kink.

I've been married for 20 years and it's been sexless for at least the last 10, more like 11 or 12. It's completely ruined my self confidence and sapped my sense of self and of being attractive.

I finally managed to get myself together a bit earlier this year and made the decision that I'm going to leave. I'm currently jobhunting and I'm on a diet to shed some weight and feel attractive again. My target is to be out by my birthday next year.

It's so sad because in every other way he's a wonderful husband, but this has led to a creeping resentment and a deep well of bitterness and anger.

This thread has been a total wake up call to me. The lightbulb went on.

This has been an issue for us right from the start. It's never going to change. If he was worried by it, he'd have done something about it by now. But to him, nothing is broken.

He's a really lovely guy. He just has a low sex drive. He can't change that. I can't change how I am. No matter how much comfort eating I do, it's not going to change the fact I can't face never having sex again for the rest of my life.

I can stop us both being miserable for the rest of our lives though. Just not quite yet because his dad has terminal cancer. But I can get through the next few years if there is light at the end of the tunnel. He'll, it'll take me that long to shift the misery weight...

for everyone else who is miserable and has eaten their own self-esteem with a double scoop of ice-cream and whipped cream.

Another rejection last night. He knew I was going to try it on, he lay there quietly in the dark, not asleep, until I asked him if he wanted a backrub, and then he was all, with some relief as though he'd been waiting and could now relax, 'no I'm too tired' then he turned over. I felt very 'dealt with'.

I wonder if it is a kind of control, like Brandnewstart said. He was always up for it at the start until he realised that I wanted an orgasm as well. Initially he tried to minimise this by saying women don't think about sex like that (?!) and then when I persisted, he said I was ruining the magic of sex. Then, after that it was a barrage of excuses...

• we aren't getting on well enough (hmm wonder why)
• I'm too tired
• next door are being too loud
• people don't have sex that often you know

Eventually, after many years, he revealed sex was painful for him sometimes. There was an issue with his foreskin, it had torn when he was a teenager and had healed awkwardly. Wincing as a I type that. He decided he would have an op to fix it. The doctor told him the wait for the operation was minimal and it could be scheduled at any time. He arranged the surgery date for ten days after our son was born by elective section. In the pit of my stomach is this well of hurt and anger. The way that he scheduled the op to be at a time when I would have gone through major surgery, seems punitive. He told me he was having the operation as he knew after pregnancy, I would be wanting sex again, so he knew his days were numbered. He was fairly sure the op would get rid of the pain and allow him to have normal sex, so would fix our sex life. (Nearly two years on... It hasn't.)

As it was, on ten days post delivery, my son was admitted to hospital because my milk was shit. I was in a room with him, feeding constantly, badly, for seven hours, unable to ask any family or friends to come in because dh wanted his op to remain a secret and everyone would have assumed he was with me and my son. So I couldn't ask for someone to come in and support me. The hospital room didn't have a cot or anything where I could put my son down. We were discharged at 10pm with my son still crying with hunger. We got a taxi home and I fed him formula. He fell into an exhausted sleep and my dh was sat there, obviously in a lot of discomfort, hardly able to move, while I had to get on with things.

I'm so angry and so hurt about that. And it didn't change anything. He put himself front and centre at a time when he should have been playing a supporting role to our family, and he held me over a barrel because obviously what was I going to say, don't have the op? I tried saying, don't have the op then, but he dismissed me. It was a punishment.

I think I'm sat in a marriage that is decaying around me.

I'm sorry the idea of exercise was rather dismissed. Aside from health & weight loss aspects it makes you feel good because of the endorphin release - lots of evidence for this. So its worth going for a walk just for that effect. Then the rest plus birdsong, fresh air & greenery is a bonus.

That sounds awful, 'DidIleavethegason'. You needed care too. And constant rejection is so frustrating.

I've noticed if my dh rejects me he seems to then make 'extra effort' with everything else, ie he'll come downstairs and take sudden interest in ds' s new console game, take the dog down the garden for an extra long frizbee game, tell me not to get anything in for dinner as he's treating us all to take away, etc. Seeing him so animated and engaged with everyone else for the rest of the day makes me seethe tbh, just makes the fact he's just rejected me (again) even more hurtful, especially as I know there will be no opportunity to talk to him about it until that night and the moment's gone then, he'll accuse me of 'picking an argument' hours later.

Do any of your partners do this?

westend yes. Do you think he does it to try and counteract /make up for the rejection?

It's an avoidance of intimacy really isn't it? It's all such a pretence.

Have any of you ever explored taking a lover? And being open about it to your husbands? They should be OK about that really shouldn't they?

Well I'm make an exception for brad Pitt, but other than that I feel so totally repulsive and lacking in confidence I can't imagine ever having sex again! My dh isn't remotely interested why would anyone else see me as a woman , and not just a person in a role.

Ginandpanic - You aren't repulsive at all. You are a beautiful person who deserves to enjoy full sexual expression.

Yes, 'Mylaststraw'. I think it's partly to make up for it, and partly because if he's 'Fun Dad' all day, plus helps with housework, saves me having to cook by getting takeaway etc, I won't be able to moan because as he sees it I haven't 'really' been rejected. I have of course, but intimacy related!

StiffenedPleat
Yes, I have.
It's, honestly, amazing to feel wanted sexually again. To spend time with someone who fancies me. And yes, my husband knows and gives permission.

But...it's only a plaster. I still feel so rejected in my primary relationship. I want to be able to express this intimacy with my husband, and still feel rejected in fundamental ways that he has so little interest.
I thought getting sex elsewhere would 'fix' my feelings, but it doesn't, it throws them into sharper relief, though obviously it must work well for some people.

Thank you to the pp who brought up the orgasm reciprocity. My DH has never cared about my pleasure, either, and every time I've brought it up he promises to change things then doesn't.