help living with little sex.

[Percytheparkkeeper]

We're 10 years into a relationship, kids, and I'm really struggling with our sex-life or lack of.

I dont know what to do anymore. We are so badly matched. I have a high sex drive and an underlying interest in kink (all those years ago I naiively thought it was one of the other. Internet was different then. I wasn't interested in just "playing" or one night stands. I wanted a relationship and kids...) I can't work him out at all.

About a year or so ago he went to the doctors for a testosterone test (which was normal). He's not adverse to help in and of itself. He's so bloody passive that I'd have to book and arrange anything but we can't really afford therapy and his work shifts are irregular.

I think I need to know how to live with it. I've considered asking the Dr for antidepressants hoping they'd kill my drive.

It's hard to explain the emotions but I feel so disconnected and so rejected. I know I can't force him to want me/sex I just wish he desired me. I can see for him love and sex aren't connected. He's an amazing person and dad, truly. Very hands on, cooks, never criticises me at all. Loves me very much. Doesn't seem to be attracted to anyone else.

About once every 6-10 weeks I try and initiative a discussion about what I can do differently/what would work and I just end up feeling so frustrated and worse/hopeless. Mayve I just need to give up. I feel like if only I could work out what his problem is I could sold it.

I love the times we have been intimate and connected. He says he does too and wishes we were more like it.

It feels like double speak -
He says he fancies me, likes my body and so I say why does he never act on it then.
I say it would be easier if he just told me he had no drive and wasn't interested/is gay. He says he is interested /only wants me and just doesn't understand why he's the way he is.... But with no guidance as to what would work for him.

I used to try initiating more but just felt so rejected when he'd say he was tired/not interested.
I could honestly give him oral for ages and he'd say "that's really nice" as if it was just a pleasant massage and not want any more.

It feels like he's not interested in my arousal or turning me on. (He claims he is, but does nothing)

It's a mess isn't it. Any ideas?!

Hugs IAm.

This is me as well. It doesn't get better and it's nothing to do with what size you are. Im trying to work up the guts to leave, as he's amazing in every way other than this and I really don't think I'll meet anyone I get on with so well. I thought maybe I could live without sex - sadly it turns out I can't!

I've also started to prepare to leave. Opened my own bank account ( suddenly have money at the end of every month now that my salary isn't paying his credit card debts!) no dc at home now so I don't have a problem there, this has actually opened my eyes to many other sides of him that are doing me no good, and that actually being single would be better than this. I know you're in a different place op, but it's something to think about. When his mood is good we get on well and have tonnes of shared interests, we go out regularly together, we've had some great trips. However, I can't help it, it isn't enough for me. I can't even believe I'd say that. We've had 25 years together but the thought of another 25 feeling like a freak, and unconnected are not for me.

Ps - agree Size isn't relevant. I lost 2 stone last year and got to a size 10. It made not one bit of difference. ( so I stuffed myself full of chocolate and put most of it back on )

:( I don't want to leave.

Percy - you keep going in circles and the way it is, you will, unfortunately only make yourself more and more unhappy.

You can't change other people.
You can only control yourself.
If your size is making you unhappy - focus on that. Write down what you eat, half it. Go for walks.

If you have a high sex drive - take it in your hands. You feel self conscious doing it in front of H - do it on your own. Tell him that you bought new toys as they make you feel better.

People think that it's other people that can/will make them happy.
It isn't.

It comes from your own core, your confidence, you listening to your own needs and wants.
And doing something about them YOURSELF, not expecting others to do it for you.

And with that - of you manage to find your own strength - your H may or may not wake up.

I sadly am in the same situation too. Been married 7 years and have probably had sex less than 20 times in that time. I have done the wrong thing. Have been having an affair for over a year. Prepared to be totally flamed for it, and believe me I hate myself too. It has been a huge mistake as I have completely fallen for the other man and it has highlighted how completely lacking my marriage is. I would get out now before you end up in the same situation. I never thought I would cheat but I now see how vulnerable I was to it. Being desired is so important.

Jo I don't think you really get what I'm asking. I'm happy pleasing myself, but that's not solving the lack of intimacy on my marriage!! Hence posting in relationships... Have you lived in a sexless marriage?

Relationships take 2 to work on and I wondered what I could do (if anything)to improve things or live with it, hence the thread. I'm not looking for divorce.

If all I can do is leave it a few years and then pay for relate sobeit. I was hoping maybe there was things we could work on!

Percy - yes, in fact i have been in a sexless marriage. On the other side of it, though. After PPD.
Also - have lived for years with issues that bothered me in H, in the way he is with me, and DDs.
And that all lead to my unhappiness and depression for years.

And that is why I keep saying that you need to start with yourself, your own happiness and confidence.

On this thread you keep asking for things that might turn your H into the person you want him to be. You keep expecting things from him. Things that you think will make you happy.
People often do/think like that. It rarely works.

What helped me get out of the rut I was in - was not forcing the H to be a different person. It was focusing on myself. Doing more of the things i want on my own. Changing my reaction to stressors. Quitting expecting that H can change into another person. And finding ways, where possible to 'nudge' him into being more the person i need him to be.

OP I have been where you are and am now heading for the divorce courts.
He just didn't want to know. Protested he did have a sex drive and things would get better. Never did. And, if we did do anything intimate, he'd behave like such a prick afterwards that id end up ashamed and feel like a fool (I realise this is not the same situation as you are in)

I suppose what I am trying to say is that exDH had no trouble going after anything he wants, and making it happen. He chose not to work on the intimate/sexual side of our relationship therefore, it was something he didn't want or consider important. (He did say it was because he resented me getting him into a situation where he was married with children ?!?!?!?)
I was married for 12 years. I had a breakdown and still suffer the consequences. My esteem and confidence are shot to pieces and I can only hope that time is a great healer.

Please don't do what I did and make yourself ill trying everything you can think of and receiving nothing back. Take care op x

I won't explain my situation or ex situation now because it's too complicated, but a similar thing until it stopped completely 6 years ago. I made tons of mistakes, not sure if it would have made a difference - but my anger and frustration made it worse. Here's what I would do.
Concentrate on yourself and lose the weight, it was only after my partner and I split that he told me that the weight i had gained over the years had bothered him (and it bothered me at the time). Now I'm much fitter and 2 stone slimmer and I feel great.

Then sit down and talk to him. Before our sex life completely died it was intermittent because he could be like your partner. But we devised a strategy - every 2 -3 weeks one of us would say - usually the day before or in the morning - "think we need some sex soon" and we made sure we did. I think if you approach him on the off chance at night you are liable to get rejected and are taking all the responsibility. It will only work if your partner understands and wants to make it work. Don't leave it to 'spontaneity'.

Very difficult situation. It is a very complex issue.
I feel sorry for my lovely dh, I have no idea where my libido went after the birth of ds2.

I just don't know how you can sort this OP.

Jeez, this is depressing and sadly familiar

I’m a man in the same situation, except there’s not even any intimacy left in my marriage. I can't offer any wisdom, but empathise with everyone else in this horrible position.

As someone whose relationship went from being very sex-heavy initially, to nothingness later on, I want to say that ending it may be the best thing.

An old friend of mine once said that as long as the sex is good, you can forgive most other things. When exP and I stopped having sex, or if we did I felt he had agreed to to shut me up which was horrible, lots of other niggles gradually rose to the surface, and it was the beginning of the end for us.

We are now coparenting and living apart. Early days still, but I feel as though a weight has lifted from my shoulders and I am no longer living a half life. I now have a sex life again! And as he really seems completely unbothered by that, it was the right decision I think. But it was very very hard to walk away from the idea of a 'proper family'.

Life is long. Life for me is better with very regular sex. Otherwise you are just housemates.

I was in a similar position for many years, at our lowest point I think we managed it once in a year. In the end I realised we were just mis-matched that way but remained soulmates in every other. But I also realised the issue was mine, not his - sex mattered a lot to me and to him it did not matter much. So, after years of me raising the 'issue', I just had to make a choice. I chose him. Ten years on and I've never been happier. Bizarrely, since finding that acceptance, things improved dramatically over the course of the next year (I suspect because it was no longer the elephant in the room) and now we manage at least once a month and we seem to have just naturally tuned into each other. If anything, the roles have actually reversed a little..... he has massively grown in confidence in that department whereas I seem to be morphing into 'if I fall asleep halfway through can you just finish without waking me? I'm fucking knackered.'

OP you really need to go for sex therapy with him - it has helped many! there really isn't any other option is there? Either borrow or save elsewhere and do find time if you see this as something crucial for your happiness.

The thing is, it's not just about sex, or it certainly isn't in my relationship. It's intimacy as well, there's none of that between us. No kissing aside from a peck on the cheek as he leaves for work, no cuddling, no sitting together on the sofa. He's my landlord and I'm his housekeeper. I know it's never going to work out but we're not married and leaving would put me in a sticky situation financially with two small children to take care of. What do you do? I know it's never going to get better, I've gone past the crying myself to sleep stage a while ago now but I regularly wonder to myself what I would say to my daughter if she were in my situation and I'd tell her that life is short and she should run for the hills and find someone to make her happy.

Do you want to still feel like this in 10 years? I didn't. I'd been in a sexless marriage for 6 years and it was infrequent before that. He turned out to be gay. I'm with my DP now, and two years down the line am having sex 4-5 times a week. I can't tell you what a difference it has made to every part of my life. I'm happier, more relaxed with the DC's, more confident, take more pride in my appearance, sleep better, and feel attractive and desired, everything that had been whittled away from me over the course of my marriage. If both partners are happy without sex then great, but if not it's soul destroying.

As far as actual advice goes - therapy helped in some ways, in that it made me feel more in control, and it got us talking. I know you can't afford it but if there's any way at all to put aside a bit of cash I'd strongly, strongly recommend it. It's the only thing that helped - not in the sense that it helped the sex (though it can, for some), but for how I felt about it.

As far as 'spicing it up', 'taking control', 'surprise him' stuff goes - I presume anyone in this situation for any length of time tries all that. Didn't work at all for me, I could occasionally get sex to happen but the underlying issue is his desire and so in the end it made things worse as I felt I was putting everything into it and it just highlighted the real problem.

Ditto weight loss. If you lose the weight you might feel better but if you lose it for him and it doesn't work then how will you feel? Or if it does work- isn't that almost worse?

I don't know if it's been said before OP, but you say you're unhappy with your weight, self esteem low etc and you're frustrated, pent up etc.

Why not forget about your DH for 6 months and instead focus on exercise? It's a really great way to relieve pent up aggression, it doesn't have to be anything mad, a cheap pair of trainers, download the couch to 5k, get DH to mind the kids when he can and try and go for a jog 3-4 times a week. Buy some cheap, second hand weights, or exercise bike or just anything, hell even get out walking every day for an hour briskly. It can be done.

I mean this kindly but you shouldn't rely o your DH for your self esteem, if you're not happy about your weight, do something about it, channel your pent up frustrations into that instead for now.

You moan about your DH not doing anything to actively change your sex life, but you're doing the same with your weight

Is that what you'd say to someone in an abuse relationship or other marital difficulties? Don't worry just do some exercise?
(As it happens I do exercise, have other happy things in life etx but my marriage difficulties are what I posted about for help with as that is what I'm struggling with!!)

I feel for you OP, and everyone else who has posted. I'm also in a similar situation, which I sometimes cope with fine, and other times (like this weekend for some reason!), find myself feeling resentful.

We're affectionate with each other generally, and he instigates about as much as I do with the kissing/cuddling/holding hands, but sex only happens if I instigate it.

I try not to for a while, just to see if he does but he doesn't. Every now and then I bring the subject up and say I struggle with so little sex (less than once a month) and he says we'll do it soon. Then runs off a list of why it hasn't been possible lately, ie he's been busy with sports training, the kids (now teenagers) are up late, work stress, but I feel he'll always put an obstacle in the way!

After we've had a chat I think, 'Well he knows I'm struggling, surely he'll instigate next weekend', but he just doesn't! He often then goes and books a lovely restaurant for the two of us, or suggests going out for a drink that night etc, all very nice but not IT, iyswim! I don't want to lose the intimacy we do have by becoming a nag about it, but OMG it's frustrating at times!

No of course it isn't. I understand that doing a bit of exercise won't cure all ills. I wouldn't have mentioned exercise at all, except multiple times throughout this thread you've mentioned that you've put on weight and aren't happy or confident with that. Which is absolutely fair enough. I just meant that focussing on something else for a few months might help. Your anguish/ desperation is tangible in your posts (I don't mean that nastily at all) and it's like it's all consuming you.

I'm just saying maybe try focusing on something else, doesn't have to be e exercise. It worked for another poster on here who has just said they thought F it, stopped caring, focused on other thingsand then things changed and improved.

I don't have a terribly high libido (would be happy with it once a week/ fortnight tbh) and there was a time when we only had it maybe once every 3 weeks......because it was all DP went on about. He'd put so much pressure on me and would want to try and talk about it all the time and ways to improve blah blah, and it had the complete opposite effect. Just turned me off completely. He then backed right off and didn't mention it for a while (about 2 months) and I strangely started wanting it more.

Things aren't perfect now, he'd probably like it 4-5 times a week, but we compromise and now I ensure we have it twice a week.

If he'd have kept on at me, I think we'd still be in our rut now.

You asked for advice, you may not like all the advice you receive, but that's forum posting for you.

I had this mismatch with an ex. Awful. Have you considered going to psychosexual counselling? At least you've have tried.

It may just be that you both made a mistake overlooking this discrepancy at the start of your relationship and that it can't work - you probably do need something like counselling to make it clear to both of you that you have to resolve this or move on. Be kind to yourself, this is noones fault

Ilovespringandchocolate, I'm not sure if you get what this feels like. Of course there's desperation there. Desperation to fix this, to resolve the one massive issue in an otherwise wonderful relationship. The op very much does not want to divorce, she just wants sex and intimacy, regularly enough that it ceases to be an issue and melts into the overall relationship as if it were never missing in the first place.

Telling her to exercise because she's mentioned her weight is just facile, it really is. You're missing the root cause. She can't run her problems away. Why was she comfort eating? Why am I comfort eating? It's complex. But, mainly, that up until my dh I might not have always had the best self esteem but I knew my previous partners desired me, and sex and intimacy in a relationship is a bit like glue for your relationship and a soft focus instagram filter on your partner. It eases every area of the relationship inexorably. It enhances the relationship beyond measure. Going for a run won't fix that.

I don't think it means that you are relying on your partner for your self esteem if you happen to find it pretty damaging that they don't want to have sex with you, ever. I think that makes you a normal person. There's also a sub text here about society's expectations of female sexuality versus male sexuality. There's an initial element of excruciating humiliation associated with discovering that you are the man in your relationship, or certainly, there was for me. I would almost think... I LONG to say I have a headache! Not tonight dear! Can you imagine!
I have discovered my dh will only have sex with me if I woo him. So I am basically the guy. I give him massages, listen to his troubles, try not to perv on him when he's walking around without a t shirt on, try to just cuddle him at night (even though he can tell, he can always tell I'm in the mood, and he tells me he's just not up for anything more than a hug, in advance, in case I try any moves on him...)
I know these are modern times and maybe this is just my hangup and not the op's, but it has taken me so long to adjust to this, which is so opposite to what you learn as you grow up. Maybe I want to lie back and think of England, just once, eh?

This is so much MORE than a bit of exercise.