help living with little sex.

[Percytheparkkeeper]

We're 10 years into a relationship, kids, and I'm really struggling with our sex-life or lack of.

I dont know what to do anymore. We are so badly matched. I have a high sex drive and an underlying interest in kink (all those years ago I naiively thought it was one of the other. Internet was different then. I wasn't interested in just "playing" or one night stands. I wanted a relationship and kids...) I can't work him out at all.

About a year or so ago he went to the doctors for a testosterone test (which was normal). He's not adverse to help in and of itself. He's so bloody passive that I'd have to book and arrange anything but we can't really afford therapy and his work shifts are irregular.

I think I need to know how to live with it. I've considered asking the Dr for antidepressants hoping they'd kill my drive.

It's hard to explain the emotions but I feel so disconnected and so rejected. I know I can't force him to want me/sex I just wish he desired me. I can see for him love and sex aren't connected. He's an amazing person and dad, truly. Very hands on, cooks, never criticises me at all. Loves me very much. Doesn't seem to be attracted to anyone else.

About once every 6-10 weeks I try and initiative a discussion about what I can do differently/what would work and I just end up feeling so frustrated and worse/hopeless. Mayve I just need to give up. I feel like if only I could work out what his problem is I could sold it.

I love the times we have been intimate and connected. He says he does too and wishes we were more like it.

It feels like double speak -
He says he fancies me, likes my body and so I say why does he never act on it then.
I say it would be easier if he just told me he had no drive and wasn't interested/is gay. He says he is interested /only wants me and just doesn't understand why he's the way he is.... But with no guidance as to what would work for him.

I used to try initiating more but just felt so rejected when he'd say he was tired/not interested.
I could honestly give him oral for ages and he'd say "that's really nice" as if it was just a pleasant massage and not want any more.

It feels like he's not interested in my arousal or turning me on. (He claims he is, but does nothing)

It's a mess isn't it. Any ideas?!

Something went wrong with that post!

It started with me saying...

Percy and Fliss, I could have written exactly what you're writing two months ago. Everything you've both been saying and it had been going on for years and years. Except, two months ago I was cutting myself from the intolerable pain of constant, constant, constant rejection.

He's back. Kids happy. Depending breath and happy face on.

In reply to above I have pointed out if he wanted it he could have it/inconsistencies of saying he wants it and not doing anything.

But then I say I want to be slim and Im fat and failing. Maybe it's issues.

You don't know how to live with it because this isn't the same as gambling or sport. This is something that is an entirely other level. This is more like him limiting what you can eat every single day for the rest of your life to a watery broth. Unless he decides he's going to make an effort and then you can have a semi-decent meal, but he's not going to learn to cook, so that'll be random and the rest of the time it's watery broth for you. You'll be hungry and desperate for variety, but it's not a problem really, because he won't be. He's fine with watery broth. He's either not interested, or has no tastebuds so doesn't understand the joy of anything crunchy, sweet, salty, smooth, hot or cold.

Oh, and you'll be eating alone mostly, because he doesn't usually have any need to share a "meal".

Namegechanged. Am I reading right you geared up in case if divorce but that hasn't been necessary? did something change to help you cope/get his act together?

Oh cross post name. Yeah I get the imagery. It's the one thing you can only really get from a relationship if you want ro be monogamous isn't it.

And it could very well be that he has issues that need resolving, that he's not asexual.

But if he isn't going to look into them with someone, then does it matter? Is the end result of your daily life any different?

We have little money for relate and he's got an erratic schedule so he can't commit to a weekly session (we also have no childcare.)

Maybe I stick it out a few more years and when living is less stressful (small kids, erratic Schedule, money worries) we do the relate sex therapy thing. I think it's like 40 quid a week though isn't it. Plus childcare.... We don't have that kind of money. (or a pension or savings...)

Thank you for this post, I just started my own not having seen this. I am in exactly the same situation and on the verge of feeling like being monogamous can't be a reality in my marriage. Dangerous ground I know and I know I will probably get flamed for saying it.

Running it's so hard isn't it :( I want a passionate monogamous marriage...

Running it's so hard isn't it :( I want a passionate monogamous marriage...

Hi OP. I haven't read every comment here but something for you to think about.

Have you considered he has an unfulfilled fetish?

The reason I ask is (without giving too much away), my sex life is very irregular as well and I have kinda started giving up talking to him about it now. I don't even really know how to bring it up again without going around in circles. We've also been together for many years.

My DP has a particular (non-creepy) fetish and I get a seriously different response whenever I oblige it. If, however I don't he never seems to be interested in me at all. I don't even know if he sees the link between me not doing this thing and the now lack of libido.

I just couldn't do it anymore as I started to feel he was only interested in that one thing rather than me (and I suppose his reaction now kind of proves this too, unfortunately)

Anyways. It is worth having a good long chat and see if there is something he gets a particular kick from that he maybe hasn't told you.

Yup. You can't get it anywhere else unless you have a fundamentally different relationship.

Maybe I was a bit unclear. So I slowly and gently "geared up" (I was very frightened at the prospect) in case of divorce. I started looking at ways to get back into work and acting on them. I spoke to a couple of lawyers (free half hours) about what would be likely in our scenario. I opened my own bank account. This was all over a good year. And I told him I was going to do each one of these things both in case of divorce which I was hoping didn't happen, or just strengthening what we had, which I hoped would improve. Ultimately, all of it was strengthening the future for our children, whatever happened.

But no, nothing changed. Nothing at all. My heart has been broken daily for years because of this. At first I ignored it, i tried to fix the problem and then I realised I couldn't because it rested with him, so I tried to help him fix/address the problem (and by that i mean the problem the lack of intimacy was causing in our couple), but he wouldn't.

So, about a month ago, after a few months of cutting myself because the pain had nowhere else to go, I told him I couldn't take any more and we needed to end the marriage (he didn't know about how exactly bad I was feeling). He knew it was a possibility, because I'd been discussing how divorce was looming more and more as time went on. He was/is sad. But he is accepting of it.

And now, our relationship is better than it's been for years. All the tension, stress and resentment has gone. Just like that. I am not kidding and I never, ever imagined it possible.

We were destined to be co-parents, but not lovers. Trying to make our relationship something it's not able to be and hoping it into being wasn't healthy for either of us (me especially).

Your relationships better than ever? As in you got divorced and relate better or you didn't get divorced because the relationshop is better than ever?

Wee cheeky we've had that conversation. I'm all up for kinks in general. We had a flit with D/s as he says he likes control.... But I'm just left all up for it and he doesn't take any control!!!!

Well.... he sure has control now percy - he has control of your sex life, just not quite the way you hoped.

TBH I think a lot of low libido partners don't like uncontrolled sex or find it difficult. I think I'm one of them unfortunately.

Very true Anna!

I'm happy with control (more than happy in fact...). Happy with scripted if it at least gets somewhere. But saying "I'm up for whatever you fancy please take me" in effect repeatedly and being rejected is...hard.

Oh it's going to get to a point where I can't cope with the rejection isn't it. I know if it was role reversals we'd be telling the man not to take it personally have none sex based friendship/intimacy..... Etc.

Honestly I hear and understand you don't feel you have the £40 for therapy, but have you considered how many thousands of pounds a divorce will cost? The running of two household for the future etc as well?
It seems a lot, but I am betting you could find the money for therapy if it meant enough. And perhaps your fear is that ultimately your sex life isn't priority enough to merit that £40 per week for 10-12 weeks....
if you overeat, how much extra money does your eating cost (and I say this as an over-eater myself) ?
This isn't the life you deserve- and you need to waken up and take steps to discover what is going on for you BOTH and if there is a solution.
Honestly you do deserve intimacy and closeness and sex. You do.

We don't currently have that kind of money. Overeating - a few pounds bread /pasta. And I haven't managed to stop overeating.

I think it's a mumsnet thing to assume everyone has money somewhere (Oh everyone can go to private school if they just "cut back.")

It would be 40+ childcare (?21). We don't currently have savings or a pension, we are v careful with money and not in debt but on one salary we don't have spare money/holiday abroad/new cars/mn classics.

I have no idea what we'd do with a divorce (I'd end up on benefits?) hence not actively seeing that as a solution!!

I did previously say maybe in a few years time (if I was working?) we might be in a better position to pursue counselling

We are getting divorced. Our relationship is better than ever because the whole intimacy has been removed now that we've made that decision. We're able to just be friends and co-parents and that is how we work best. But as good as that is, it's not enough for a marriage for me. We've discussed an open relationship in the past (he doesn't want it - and neither do I really) and I don't want to cheat on him, so our only option is to remove the title of marriage. And that's all it is. We haven't shared a bed for ages anyway (in part because of kids and in part because it was so upsetting to never have physical contact in it), so that hasn't changed. He was never hugging or kissing me (peck on the cheek), unless he thought he should which was rare, so no real change there either.

A close relative of his is staying with us right now and he hasn't told his family. She has absolutely no idea that we've separated, because nothing has changed in any real way. Obviously at some point the living arrangements will, but right now, we look like we get on as well as we always have, only, we haven't had any heated discussions for a month!

Ah thanks for explaining! Very pleased you've found a solution that's working for you both x

I could be wrong but it sounds like he doesn't fancy you.

I think you need to take care of yourself even though you need the intimacy and closeness from him. Every time you initiate and are knocked back no matter how gently it's demoralising. I would stop initiating (I understand how hard it would be) and do whatever you need to take the edge off it.

Focus on your health if you want to lose weight and focus on your own wellbeing. If he chooses to take notice then great but at the minute he can't make you happy at least not sexually so you need to take charge in that area. You can still be close to him and kiss and cuddle but it will take the pressure off him and the anticipation of you being rejected won't be there.

I've asked him that (er more than once) and asked if he's gay. Done the whole "I'd rather know....." I wonder if he's more asexual (although again he says not....) as he wants a family /relationship/grow old with me. Doesn't want anyone else/doesn't have any prior sexual history.

It certainly feels like he doesn't fancy me :(

Yep niffler, I've done the not initiating (hence lack of sex for months in general. I think he'd be happy enough with that.) which led to trying to have a conversation with him about what would work for him this morning.... Which led to this thread.

I have nothing helpful to say, other than I'm in the same situation and it's like living in black and white.