Dirty new partner

[dirtynewpartner]

I met a man almost two months ago. I spent a night at his yesterday and was appalled at the condition he lives in. Clothes on the floor by his bed, dirty dishes in the sink and couldn't walk on the kitchen floor with my socks or bare feet as I could feel stuff on the floor.

He has teenage children that come over the weekend, their rooms are a huge mess! Beddings look like they haven't been washed in months. There are crisp and sweet wrappers under their beds and carpets are littered with food particles.

I don't have OCD or anything but this is just a little much. This is a 42 year old man, am I being too fussy here?
This morning he's been in bed only got up to eat breakfast.

I said could we spend an hour cleaning the house and he got up for five minutes and sat back down then called me a nag!

Depends on your standards. I keep a tidy place and would be mortified to invite someone I had been dating to a sink full of dishes, crusty floor and dirty clothes strewn about.

Eww!! I wouldn't have been able to stay over at all Op.

I remember being really impressed the first time I stayed at my boyfriends shared house, three 20 something men. I was expecting it to be a bit of a state, but it was spotless.
My boyfriend did say he'd cleaned up for me coming round. But I never went and it was in a state. Well maybe after the odd party, but then they were all cleaning up first thing!

We live together now and he's clean and tidy and does his share of housework. So I'd be taking it as an indication of what's to come if you ever lived together!

Ugh what a pig. Immediate turn off, especially calling you a nag. Would you really have cleaned his house for him?

For me it would depend on how much. ie. how many clothes on the floor - a week's worth or a day's worth; how many dishes in the sink? Maybe the kitchen floor he doesn't notice if he always wears shoes. The kids' bedrooms - well that's really their responsibility - maybe he has a go at them once a month or something.
However, there's no way I'd become his unpaid skivvy unless there was some serious quid pro quo - eg. he does all the diy at my place!

I said could we spend an hour cleaning the house

You offered to clean someone else's stinking pit? WHY?

Well, that's the end of that one then...

Imagine living in it. 🤢

Imagine being called a nag all the time? 😡

Imagine turning into an unpaid skivvy because you can't live like that... 😤

Don't want that to be your future? Walk away now.

People have different standards. My DP's house is a bit more messy than mine too, but when he's here he acknowledges that he has to do more than he does at his own house.

It helped when we worked out what our 'languages of love' are (there are 5, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service and something else I can never remember!) Turned out mine was acts of service, so he now knows that I see it as a loving gesture when he empties the dishwasher or does something proactive like putting up a shelf!

Your new fella might not see the benefit of a clean tidy house for himself, but most likely he's just got into some lazy bad habits and if he's otherwise a lovely bloke, I'd just make sure you meet at your house more, get him involved with some basic chores for you and hope it rubs off on him. If he can afford it suggest he gets a cleaner before you next go round there.

I'd rather pay someone else to do my DIY than clean up the house of someone I've been dating for 2 months. Just... no.

Well, clothes on the floor and dishes in the sink are perfectly fine imo.

A crusty floor isn't. Calling you a nag (unless you were horrbily rude etc, we don't know your tone of voice) isn't fine either.

His children's rooms aren't your business.

I think you should break up.

However, saying that, the 'nag' comment is enough to LTB on its own.

The fact he called OP a nag doesn't inspire me that he's a lovely bloke that needs educating by showing him the way after 2 months I'd still want to be in the happy shagging phase.

Rule no 1 of relationships - you can't change someone, you have to be able to live with their flaws.
He's basically lazy. That for me would be a deal breaker. Offering to clean for him makes you a doormat. Sorry.

DukeOfBurgundy perhaps you and the OP's "partner" should get together. You sound just as bad

Aha! He's s lovely bloke. I've left and thinking of making up excuses not to go there till he brings it up lol. Not very confrontational. His kids rooms errr I was snooping yes, probably shouldn't have.

How is he your partner FFS? He's a casual shag. So casually un-shag him if you don't like it. His house, his life. It's really none of your business how his teenagers keep their rooms for crying out loud. He didn't ask you to go in and have an opinion, and I don't see anywhere that he asked you to start cleaning. Are you always that controlling?

I've left and thinking of making up excuses not to go there till he brings it up lol.

Err tell him straight! "Your house is a skip and I don't want to be there"

Hell no. I can be a messy disorganised character if I let things slide, but actual dirt and rubbish is always a no-no.

I live with housemates who are quite happy to let bins overflow and washing-up pile up and I've fallen into the trap of doing nearly all the kitchen cleaning but if I don't no-one else will and walking into a stinking pit does my mental health no good whatsoever.

Ditch this pig! Let him wallow in his own filth. Maybe after a few women have noped-out on him he'll get the message he has to change his ways but you can't and won't change him so don't waste your time.

I wouldn't put up with being called a 'nag' - that would be a real thing for me. I hate that word.

You don't like confrontation but were happy to snoop in the bedrooms of his kids?

Put on your clean big girl pants OP and get a grip

He's s lovely bloke.

Yes. All the loveliest people refer to women as nags.

I guess we'll be seeing you back here when you're living together, had a baby and are now the house slave whining that you're 'DP' does fuck all.

Did you get a tiny glimpse as to why the relationship with the mother of his DC didn't work out OP?

Op. he called you a nag and isnt adequately looking after his children. Bedding not washed in months?

Can you imagine this in the future? You will be expected to do everything. If you question his laziness he will call you names until you dont bother anymore.

You ARE worth more than this.

You are worth so so much more. I don't know what you have been through to consider being with someone who calls you a nag. His house is a dump, can you live with this, why would you consider it?

You deserve someone who keeps his home in reasonable order, who loves to see you and after 8 weeks of dating treats you really well.

Anything less and you walk away with your head held high. Okey dokes??