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Original poster

Friend really upset me - should I tell him?

116 replies

Yellowaardvark · 13/05/2017 20:12

Or am I being daft?

I have a close male friend. We went out last night in a group, and afterward he insisted on seeing me to a cab, which he always does. I fancied a walk though and was perfectly happy to do so alone but he wanted to see me to a cab so much our weird compromise was walking together to another cab rank about a ten minute walk away. Thing is though he was clearly frustrated by me throughout the walk, clearly wasn't enjoying my company and even at one point telling me to hurry up and walk faster. This just made me feel terrible especially as it's happened before once when he insisted on coming with me to get a burger only to tell me to eat faster.

Should I say something to him? We are usually pretty open with each other but him insisting on remaining in my company when he clearly didn't want to upset me as it was quite awful and has worsened the social anxiety I've had recently

OP posts:
sandgrown · 13/05/2017 20:16

He probably did not want to walk but felt responsible for.your safety so wanted to see you safely in a cab. I think he was just looking out for you but hurrying you along so he could get back to friends or go home himself. I would not say anything .

m4rdybum · 13/05/2017 20:36

I think you need to let it go.

He was probably freezing his nips off cold and ready for his bed after a night out and wanted to get home, but wanted to make sure you were safe.

Why would you super walking home alone and think any friend would be okay with that? I would never let me friends walk home alone after a night out.

m4rdybum · 13/05/2017 20:37

Suggest not super!

Original poster
Yellowaardvark · 13/05/2017 20:39

I never intended to walk home, just further up the main road which is safe and well lit. I guess I just felt awful being hurried like that

OP posts:
EtonMessi · 13/05/2017 20:42

I've had fights with men about this stuff.

I would discuss it with him when you're both calm and explain that he was welcome to walk you, but not to do it with a bad grace and be unpleasant about it. He doesn't get to tell you what to do AND how to be!

scottishdiem · 13/05/2017 20:44

Just tell him you dont need him to walk you to a taxi rank in future.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 13/05/2017 20:44

Most people murdered after a night out prob felt safe on the main road.

Excuse the friend for caring about you!!

EtonMessi · 13/05/2017 21:10

Excuse the friend for caring about you!!

Surely that doesn't give him the right to act like it's a chore and tell her to hurry up though? Hmm

DirtyChaiLatte · 13/05/2017 21:24

YABU

He's a good enough of a friend that he wanted to make sure you were safe and didn't want to leave you on your own, but he's not perfect enough to have successfully hidden his annoyance at you for walking too slowly.

In my opinion the good outweighs the bad in this situation.

You should just let it go because he didn't do anything terrible. His intentions were good. Don't risk affecting your friendship over something like this.

Original poster
Yellowaardvark · 13/05/2017 21:54

I hear what most of you are saying - it just feels so disempowering though. We were in a bar and he literally downed his drink and said 'right, we're finding you a cab'

Am possibly being over sensitive though as he was much cooler toward me than usual all evening and I don't know why but may be over thinking it

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/05/2017 23:26

Insisting you wanted to walk is a bit like treating him like your partner.

Original poster
Yellowaardvark · 13/05/2017 23:42

Even insisting I wanted to walk by myself springy?

OP posts:
Twitchingdog · 14/05/2017 01:19

You knew he wanted to go home yet you insisted on walking slowy very selfish. You went thinking about him at all. He is only a friend do what he needs to do and get home safely.

anxiousnow · 14/05/2017 01:55

Yellow to me you sound like you are being over sensitive. Dirty sums it up well. Be grateful you have a friend that cares so much about your safety.

KickAssAngel · 14/05/2017 02:05

The way he said that is how parents talk when the kids are annoying them and they want to send the kids to bed, out of the way. He probably has had it drummed into him that he needs to be responsible for the little woman, so it feels like a chore that he wants to get over and done with.

Not sure what you can do about it - he probably can't get over it, and doesn't even realize it.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 02:06

I'm the odd one out. Caring for your safety is one thing. Making you uncomfortable,pressured and rushed is another.
Him caring about you does not give him the right to decide when you walk,how long for,how far or how fast. That's just bullshit. You are an adult and can make your own decisions,him overriding those decisions and then moaning about them make him a twat,not "caring".

Can't believe someone actually implied you walked slowly deliberately.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 02:10

P.s. Yes tell him,but be prepared for his answer to be similar to the other replies on this thread and refusing to accept he did anything wrong.

Original poster
Yellowaardvark · 14/05/2017 02:35

Thanks for your responses!

I just hate the idea of people spending time with me because they feel they have to or as a duty especially when they clearly don't want to

And I wasn't walking slowly on purpose- or even slowly at all, he's just a faster walker than me

OP posts:
Plunkette · 14/05/2017 02:43

I don't know. I'm female but I would feel very uncomfortable about waving a friend off to walk alone at night in the dark.

I would feel responsible if anything happened to them later.

cheeseismydownfall · 14/05/2017 03:34

This would piss me off massively. I often like to walk home after a night out. I am an adult and entirely capable of making my own assessment of the possible risks of doing so. I would find it enormously patronizing if a friend behaved like this, as if I were a child who couldn't judge for themselves. I think it is actually quite controlling, misogynistic behaviour disguised as chivalry.

HappyJanuary · 14/05/2017 06:56

I guess he wanted to see you safely to a taxi rank and assumed you'd walk together to the nearest one as usual.

When you insisted that you 'needed a walk' and ultimately decided to walk to a rank that was further away, it irritated him because he was cold or tired or wanted to get back to his friends.

Surely all of us who consider ourselves to be kind thoughtful people have felt irritated by a friend's behaviour on occasion?

And if you think he's irritated with you now, wait until you initiate a talk about how upset you were that he insisted on walking you to safety. Just leave it. If you must, next time the situation arises, just tell him he was a grumpy bugger last time so you'd rather he didn't.

HappyJanuary · 14/05/2017 06:59

And I don't think it's controlling or sexist. When I go out with a group of women, we always make sure everyone gets home or to a taxi safely. It's just good form, and people who've been drinking don't always make the same sensible choices they would if sober.

Gallavich · 14/05/2017 07:01

No woman is obliged to accept male protection if she doesn't feel she needs or wants it. The op clearly felt she was safe and walking a few minutes up a busy wel lit road is as safe as it can be at night! Walking alone in the day can be dangerous in the wrong area, but we don't suggest all women need male chaperones then!
You don't need to feel guilty for making him walk in the cold because you didn't make him do anything.

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/05/2017 07:03

So he took it upon himself to make sure you were safe (according to his definition) and got the hump with you for not being obedient? Hmm I obviously differ from a lot of posters here because that would fuck me right off, however well-intentioned of him it was. It's like he is dismissing your ability to think for or look after yourself. I think I'd have snapped at him, frankly!

Being concerned = kind
Being overbearing about it = not kind.

sofato5miles · 14/05/2017 07:04

I think he was right and you were being a pain. Until men stop being rapey and murderey, walking drunk and alone rather than being in a registered cab or with a companion isn't that wise.