Friend really upset me - should I tell him?

[Yellowaardvark]

Or am I being daft?

I have a close male friend. We went out last night in a group, and afterward he insisted on seeing me to a cab, which he always does. I fancied a walk though and was perfectly happy to do so alone but he wanted to see me to a cab so much our weird compromise was walking together to another cab rank about a ten minute walk away. Thing is though he was clearly frustrated by me throughout the walk, clearly wasn't enjoying my company and even at one point telling me to hurry up and walk faster. This just made me feel terrible especially as it's happened before once when he insisted on coming with me to get a burger only to tell me to eat faster.

Should I say something to him? We are usually pretty open with each other but him insisting on remaining in my company when he clearly didn't want to upset me as it was quite awful and has worsened the social anxiety I've had recently

Rebel, I never said my sense if duty or the OP's friend's sense if duty trumps her autonomy. My point is simply that we are humans and we act out of kindness and sometimes we can come across as annoyed even when we are the ones who insisted on the act of kindness. No need to demonise the OP's friend.

I dumped a guy once for insisting I go home in a cab and giving the driver £20 for the journey. I wanted to cycle.
We spoke the next day, when I said he had been overbearing and unacceptable to overrule me, and he said he had been brought up to look after women and that that trumped my wishes.
So fuck that shit. If I want to risk my safety, I can, and you don't get to override it. If you want to walk with me when I am happy on my own, don't get cross if I'm going to my timetable not yours!

He was BU. Men are far more likely to be the victim of a violent crime on a night out. Next time decline the offer more forcefully & explain why. It's different if you're blind drunk of staggering into traffic or falling in a river; male or female you need a friend to look out for you then.

Although men are more likely to be the victims of violent crime, statistics also show that women are significantly more likely to be worried about it. Hence some men feeling that walking a woman to her taxi is the right thing to do. And actually, for men, it must be hard to differentiate between a confident woman who is insulted by any suggestion that she cannot look after herself, and a woman who might be worried but doesn't want to make a fuss or cause any inconvenience. As this thread shows, for every woman who would be offended there is another who sees it as an act of kindness.

But it's a moot point now surely, because op has asked him not to do it again and he has indicated that he won't.

Happy but if the woman by her words or actions says she's not worried, what then?
I walk through a number of city centres during te evening/night. The majority feel as safe as in broad daylight.

I've generally found city centres at night fine to walk through because there'll be plenty of other people around. It's quiet badly lit suburban areas or country lanes where you have more to worry about.

In my group of friends we wouldn't leave anyone alone. Part of being in a group.of friends is comprises and not doing 100% your own thing. If one person was left behind, male or female, one other person at least would wait for them. I can't believe how this is being twisted. He was being caring. OK the others were gone and maybe he wanted to get home too but even walked with you to the next cab stop. He was being a good friend op. You have told him how it made you feel. He'said taken it fine. Don't over think it. I don't really think this thread will help. Just chill op. He's still your friend.

anxiousnow - but how is it being twisted?

The OP said she was fine to walk on her own but her friend overrode her wishes, insisted he walked with her, and then got grumpy when the walk - the walk that SHE had wanted to do, that was HER walk - wasn't to a place or at a pace that HE dictated!

I can't believe how this is being twisted to make him in the right and her in the wrong, to be honest! I do think this thread has been a real eye-opener to how ingrained sexism is in women as well as men.

I didn't tell the op she was wrong. I also said that my friends would see everyone home safely regardless of sex, it's usually what friends do. I think it is being twisted into something sexist tbh. I told the OP to stop over thinking, it's done and she told him how she felt.

What a fascinating thread - to see how my social anxiety and hurt feelings sat at the top of a wider discourse about the relative roles of chivalry and empowerment or am I overthinking that as well? or just a simple issue of safety?

Like I said earlier though, my friend is lovely, but maybe is myopic in trying to do the right thing - but, as others say, it was with the best of intentions. After a big sleep and some time to chill the F out I am a bit mortified this even met the threshold for me to post about in the first place

But - am glad anyway, it's been interesting to read and hear what others think.

In terms of follow up as well, we're fine. We saw each other today for a short chat and swapped other messages throughout the day so am glad I did say something as there is obviously no lasting damage to the friendship. I am relieved - I did get disproportionately worried.

I do need to work on my social anxiety as well, but that's probably a whole other thread

Good stuff yellow

Good to read your lastest update yellow

This would seriously piss me off.

One of my friends is like this, I just end up leaving without saying goodbye to him and sending a text later saying I'm home other wise he makes a massive fuss about be walking or even getting a cab on my own.

I often used to walk home on my own at night (london zone 1). Now I have to get a tube or a taxi but if I get a tube there is still the walk home at the other side.

As long as the person isn't impaired in any way (drunk) then it is up to them to risk assess the situation. The world is not the terrible place most people think it is.

@anxiousnow how do you "see everyone home safely"?

I have found that in most cases this involves making a massive fuss about walking people to a taxi and making them promise to text when they get in.... then not doing a blind jot about it if the person doesn't text (cos they have prob just fallen asleep and forgotten....) Therefore making the whole thing about you not about the person going home.

Most poeple like to make grand gestures about 'seeing their friends home safe' wihtout actually having any thought as to how they are improving the saftry or if indeed it is even needed.

If I am not impaired, why is getting a taxi home at 2am from a club any more dangerous than getting a taxi home from work at 2am? No one bloody makes a fuss about that or makes out that I am in danger on that cab ride home.

So if one person sees another home, what happens to that person then?
And how would you feel f I decided it wasn't safe for you to drive alone at night and insisted on accompanying you?

Hmm thread did not update