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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend really upset me - should I tell him?

116 replies

Yellowaardvark · 13/05/2017 20:12

Or am I being daft?

I have a close male friend. We went out last night in a group, and afterward he insisted on seeing me to a cab, which he always does. I fancied a walk though and was perfectly happy to do so alone but he wanted to see me to a cab so much our weird compromise was walking together to another cab rank about a ten minute walk away. Thing is though he was clearly frustrated by me throughout the walk, clearly wasn't enjoying my company and even at one point telling me to hurry up and walk faster. This just made me feel terrible especially as it's happened before once when he insisted on coming with me to get a burger only to tell me to eat faster.

Should I say something to him? We are usually pretty open with each other but him insisting on remaining in my company when he clearly didn't want to upset me as it was quite awful and has worsened the social anxiety I've had recently

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/05/2017 07:05

I'm actually really surprised by some of the responses on this thread - although relieved to see cheeseismydownfall saying what I was thinking!

I am a grown woman. How I get home after a night out is my responsibility and if I choose to walk that is up to me as an autonomous adult. I would expect anyoen, male or female, to respect my choice and not attemptto force their choice on me because they thought they knew better Hmm

Misstic · 14/05/2017 07:15

Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I would be irritated with you too OP. I think you are far too inward looking, focusing only on yourself and how you feel.

You should tell him how you felt. I think he needs to know so that he can stop caring and avoid the risk of being human and showing annoyance.

StealthPolarBear · 14/05/2017 07:18

" Justmadeperfectflapjacks

Most people murdered after a night out prob felt safe on the main road.
Excuse the friend for caring about you!!"
Well in this scenario he had to walk back the same route (presumably) on his own. Why is that ok?

StealthPolarBear · 14/05/2017 07:20

Oh and this sort of thing really annoys me too op but you can't ever get annoyed about it because of the good intentions of the other party. So pleased dh doesn't act like this and allows me as a grown adult to assess my own risks and make my own judgement calls (while usually offering to pick me up as well)

Original poster
Yellowaardvark · 14/05/2017 07:41

This is a really interesting thread.

To be clear as well it wasn't the being walked per se that bothered me, it was feeling frogmarched to a taxi by someone clearly irritated by me. He is one of my close friends it is the irritation really left me feeling bad which is why I wanted to tell him how I felt. We usually have such a warm friendship it felt awful to be snapped at. As I said in my OP as well I've had quite bad social anxiety recently and it set me off which wasn't his fault.

Well ... so against the judgement of many of you I did drop him a message to say I really appreciated the gesture and him walking me but it makes me feel bad to be in the company of someone clearly grumpy with me as it makes me feel bad, and he's welcome to accompany me if he wants to be spending time with me but not if he's going to be cross. I felt our friendship can withstand it (it has with tricky conversations in the past) and it wouldn't be fair for me to not tell him.

But as soon as the message was sent I really really regretted it and still do. I should have listened to you. I am just in a very very emotionally fragile mood today and it was a poor decision. Knowing I started this thread and then still did it anyway leaves me feeling even worse.

He replied with an "OK, sure thing" and has since liked a FB post of mine so hopefully no lasting damage. But, I don't know and now feel very anxious about it.

Any advice on damage control?

OP posts:
newdaylight · 14/05/2017 07:44

That's pretty much exactly what I was going to suggest!

category12 · 14/05/2017 07:45

He sounds an arse to have sort of decided you're going home by downing his drink and pressuring you. If you weren't in a state and were perfectly capable, then he's got no business deciding it's time you went home.

If probably all came from a good place, but yeah, wouldn't be happy. I probably wouldn't confront him, but just see how things go next time - assume it was a bad night and not necessarily about you but he might have something else on his mind. If it turns into something more, then I wouldn't ignore it.

category12 · 14/05/2017 07:46

X posted

FlaviaAlbia · 14/05/2017 07:47

Don't over think it and don't apologise now!

I would have done the same, it sounds like he was treating you like a child. The downing the drink thing comes across as if he decided you should leave, had you said you wanted to?

Misstic · 14/05/2017 07:49

Just leave it. Stop over thinking these interactions. It is normal to feel irritated by people we love or like. He is your friend because he wants to be your friend. Don't diminish your friendships by worrying whether or not people feel obligated to be friends with you or spend time with you. Chances are that is not the case and they genuinely want to spend time with you but, like in all relationships, from time to time get irritated by some behaviours.

Let it rest otherwuse you risk turning it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

category12 · 14/05/2017 07:50

It sounds like he took the message OK. I would just act normally with him - you haven't done anything wrong.

It's your anxiety taking over. Lots of calming self-care.

Original poster
Yellowaardvark · 14/05/2017 07:52

No - I was still dancing! Everyone else from our group had left though at that point. It was as if he was tired of me but still felt responsible.

He really is lovely generally, it was just this thing. He is also chivalrous to a fault - opening doors sometimes even though it can be slightly awkward walking through them first and so on.

I hope I haven't ruined anything. Will try not to over-think but know it will be hard as I am really bad at this

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowaardvark · 14/05/2017 07:56

Misstic and category12 that's really useful thanks. This sort of social anxiety is something I haven't had for some time and have forgotten how to self-manage

OP posts:
Misstic · 14/05/2017 07:56

OP, can I ask what it is you want to get out of this? An apology from him and a promise that he will not get annoyed with you again? Perhaps that he will not insist on doing anything for you if you decline once?

I just don't understand what you want.

This just doesn't strike me as a big thing to be potentially causing a stir about. I have felt annoyed by good friends and my annoyance probably came through. Equally, I have been on the receiving end. If each time we fired off emails to each other over these minor human foibles, it would make for exhausting friendships.

HerOtherHalf · 14/05/2017 07:58

Damage control? - get off here and speak to your friend. Not text, voice, face-to-face if at all possible. Nothing fails faster IME than trying to resolve emotionally sensitive or contentious matters by text.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/05/2017 07:59

He was just looking out for you. Insisting you walked to a rank further away was imo you being difficult.

If you want to go for a walk imo a city centre after a night out is not the wisest idea!

I would say that to any man or woman.

I'm cautious though!!!!

hopsalong · 14/05/2017 08:00

OP, do you fancy him?

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/05/2017 08:00

No you did the right thing - why should you stay silent about it?

I personally think if he makes the choice to accompany you, then he shouldn't be shitty with you. He's not your dad, it was a well-lit street, it was ten minutes...he was being unreasonable.

You're an adult and he had no right to treat you like an intransigent child.

You don't have to do any damage limitation - if anyone does, he does.

And him deciding it was time for you to leave? Who made him your boss?

A concerned friend is one thing, someone thinking because he's a bloke he has a)responsibility for what you do and how you get home and b) the right to get irritate with you if you draw a line ? No.

I think you pushed for the extra ten minutes because you felt controlled and it pissed you off. It would have pissed me off too.

You've done nothing wrong. You were entitled to everything you felt last night.

HerOtherHalf · 14/05/2017 08:00

Just to add, i think you are being reasonable. He is pushing his chivalrous concern for your safety to a point where it is controlling and treating you more like a child than an adult friend.

Misstic · 14/05/2017 08:00

By the way, I'm sure it will be okay. Friendships are like that and if he is as you describe I think he will understand as he probably feels bad that his annoyance showed to that extent. Chances are he probably feels relieved as he may have felt guilty about it.

Get busy and push this out of your mind.

lazydog · 14/05/2017 08:01

I think his response is one of someone who really hasn't been phased at all by the end of the evening or your subsequent message. He got your mesage and acknowledged it as reasonable. It's your anxiety causing you to over analyse. No damage limitation necessary at all. Sounds like he's a good friend who really cares about you but is only human and gets a bit impatient sometimes.

Spookle · 14/05/2017 08:04

I think you are over reacting OP. And possibly being a bit controlling.

Maybe he felt drunk sick and wanted to get home ASAP.

Maybe he felt the beer shits coming.

Maybe he had been knocked back by a woman and that made him grumpy.

Maybe he got lucky and had told the woman he would be back in five minutes after getting you into a taxi.

If he has been such a good friend for a long time don't you make allowances for minor grumpiness or do you take everything so personally?

Next time let him see you to the taxi then jump out when you are out of sight so you can still get your walk.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/05/2017 08:19

How is it controlling to decide you want to stroll alone to the next cab rank?

He was controlling to insist, and then behave like he was irritated about you making a choice, as an adult.

claraschu · 14/05/2017 08:19

I think your message was good, and you shouldn't have any regrets.

Personally, I would always prefer to talk face to face about something sensitive like this, as you can be more nuanced, and can react to the other person's reaction, but that is just me. (I find it hard to express myself clearly and subtly in a text.)

I think the only time one person should overrule another person's decisions is when someone is not in a fit state to give consent because of excessive alcohol or extreme youth.

As a pp said, this man was not being escorted home, was he? Men are more at risk of being attacked by a stranger than women are. Here are statistics from the US Dept of justice. UK numbers show similar trends, but I can't find a clear short quote...

"In 2010, males experienced violent victimizations by strangers at nearly twice the rate of females ( gure 2).
e rate of violence against males by strangers was 9.5 victimizations per 1,000 males in 2010 compared to 4.7 victimizations per 1,000 females."

FlaviaAlbia · 14/05/2017 08:23

What has any of that to do with OP @Spookle? He's free to go do whatever he wants, she's not his dependant.

If he showed the OP the same courtesy instead of sending her home when he decided she'd been out long enough, none if this would have been an issue...