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Original poster

Friend really upset me - should I tell him?

116 replies

Yellowaardvark · 13/05/2017 20:12

Or am I being daft?

I have a close male friend. We went out last night in a group, and afterward he insisted on seeing me to a cab, which he always does. I fancied a walk though and was perfectly happy to do so alone but he wanted to see me to a cab so much our weird compromise was walking together to another cab rank about a ten minute walk away. Thing is though he was clearly frustrated by me throughout the walk, clearly wasn't enjoying my company and even at one point telling me to hurry up and walk faster. This just made me feel terrible especially as it's happened before once when he insisted on coming with me to get a burger only to tell me to eat faster.

Should I say something to him? We are usually pretty open with each other but him insisting on remaining in my company when he clearly didn't want to upset me as it was quite awful and has worsened the social anxiety I've had recently

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 14/05/2017 12:09

Twitching they were in a group. Op was leaving.

PushingThru · 14/05/2017 12:11

Yuck. Weird responses on here. If somebody, male or female, tried to overrule my own independence in favour of what they think I should do, they'd be put firmly in their place. Be more assertive. There was no need for the compromise option. Do what you want. Why does he get to dictate when you leave and how? He was pissed off because you wouldn't do as you were told.

PushingThru · 14/05/2017 12:13

'Safety' gets used as a controlling tactic of women far too often. It's utter bollocks.

StealthPolarBear · 14/05/2017 12:18

Misstic would you feel the same if you were the op and fancied the walk but had that decision overruled?
How do you feel about the poor ops friend who then had to walk alone to wherever he was going?

Cricrichan · 14/05/2017 12:31

That would annoy me too. I'd want to make sure my friend was safe but wouldn't bloody want a walk in the night. Couodnt you have walked another time??

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 12:33

@Cricrichan I walk when I want and when I need to, not when it's convenient for my friends.

Misstic · 14/05/2017 12:37

The OP, did not have that decision overruled. She is upset because he was annoyed about accompanying her on a longer walk than he intended. She isn't, from what I can tell, offended by him offering to ensure she got home safely

Honestly, it is so difficult these days to know how to treat people. That's why many people walk by people in distress and dare not help for fear of causing some kind of offense. I saw an elderly woman berate a young man who stood up and offered her his seat on the train.

Acts of civility and kindness can cause so much trouble.

Joysmum · 14/05/2017 12:37

I wouldn't say anything now, but is the situation arises again, is make it plain that you'll be strolling back and enjoying and unhurried burger.

Yes, it was nice to want to walk with you, my female friends do this too so not a case of sexism imo, but not to then rush you in an irritated way. I'd have told him at that point that I was comfortable with my own pace and he was welcome to go straight home.

StealthPolarBear · 14/05/2017 12:40

He should have let her get on with her decision rather than forcong an offer to walk with her and them imposing his wishes on her

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 12:42

Misstic it's easy . Treat people how they ask to be treated.

The compromise and longer walk for him were due to his inability to let it go and let OP make a choice for herself. As such he had no right to moan about it. No one made him do it,he insisted to do it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/05/2017 12:51

Acts of civility and kindness can cause so much trouble.

In what way was this an act of civility or kindness though? The OP was "perfectly happy" to walk to a cab of her choice, along a route of her choice, alone, but her friend "insisted" on seeing her to a cab - and then got grumpy when she still had the temerity to do what she wanted to do!

So it is civil kindness to impose your company on another person who is quite happy alone, and then civil kindness to complain that they are not walking fast enough?

If it was my daughter, I would appreciate that someone ensured she returned home safely. If it was me, equally I would be grateful for his care and concern. I would not make a feminism issue out of it. It is a man doing a simple act of kindness out of concern for her safety.

Who ensures the man that sees you or your daughter home returns safely, then? Why do you need a man's "care and concern" but he doesn't need anyone's "care and concern"? It's a statistical fact that he is at more risk of violent crime than you are link here

I despair.

HappyJanuary · 14/05/2017 13:35

So odd that people are ascribing all sorts of unpleasant motives and character traits to this guy. Op has already said they're good friends, that he's a nice guy, and that him walking her to the taxi rank is all part of their ritual.

It really feels like some people are determined to see the worst in everyone. Friends are allowed off days, bad moods, preoccupied behaviour or to be irritated by something we ourselves do. If it's not a pattern, and we actually do want friendships, then we cut each other some slack. He's not perfect all the time it seems, but who is.

Misstic · 14/05/2017 14:09

I'll give an example when I imposed my company in someone and was at the same time because I needed to be elsewhere.

I needed to get somewhere on time and was on my way there when I saw this man fall and it looked like a nasty fall. To cut a long story short, I went to his aide. He insisted he was fine and wanted to continue on his way. I thought otherwuse and insisted he sat down while we wait for an ambulance. I was annoyed that I had to wait but at the time my annoyance was outweighed by my concern for his wellbeing.

If I was the OP's friend and I had a strong concern for her safety, whether my concern is justified or not, I would insist on accompanying her even if I was annoyed about the long walk. I'd prefer to know she is safe that worry about her and God forbid if something happened.

Misstic · 14/05/2017 14:12

I'll give an example when I imposed my company on someone and was at the same time annoyed because I needed to be elsewhere.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 14:20

Misstic but you were not annoyed at him,you were annoyed at the situation. You didn't tell him to bleed less or feel better faster.

OP's friend was annoyed OP wasn't walking fast enough,on a walk he insisted he accompanied her on.

HappyJanuary · 14/05/2017 14:33

Yes, but if the only thing the guy has done wrong ever, then it sounds like op has a good friend to me. He seemed impatient and asked her to walk faster, he didn't say 'hurry up you fat cow' or 'fuck me you're a pain in the arse tonight'. Anyone who expects 24/7 perfection from a friend probably hasn't got any. He also took her text admonishment with good grace and, presumably, won't do it again.

Misstic · 14/05/2017 14:41

Rebel, the OP m's friend could equally have been annoyed with the situation. It is a fine line. I did complain about the slowness of the ambulance and he could have taken it to mean I wan ted to get rid of him.

FlaviaAlbia · 14/05/2017 16:42

But you're drawing a comparison between someone who had an accident and presumably had an injury that impaired his judgement and the OP who just wanted to walk to a taxi rank alone... Confused

Annahibiscuits · 14/05/2017 16:56

Tell him to duck off, next time he offers

Arealhumanbeing · 14/05/2017 17:02

This just made me feel terrible especially as it's happened before once when he insisted on coming with me to get a burger only to tell me to eat faster.

Are people just ignoring this other bit?

Does he do a lot of insisting? Tell him to fuck off.

Misstic · 14/05/2017 17:05

No he did not have an injury that impeded his judgement. The comparison is insisting on helping someone because of concern for their safety and at the same time being annoyed about the situation and the time sacrifice.

It happens. We are human and there is no need to have a big falling out over it or attributing sexism, etc to his action. If I were in his shoes, I too would be annoyed whilst insisting on ensuring my friend is safe despite her protestation. This was in the dead of night not high noon and to me his intentions were noble.

FlaviaAlbia · 14/05/2017 17:22

That ambulance scenario is getting stranger...

Why are you so sure OP wasn't safe if he didn't accompany her? The OP says she wanted to walk "just further up the main road which is safe and well lit."

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/05/2017 17:50

If I were in his shoes, I too would be annoyed whilst insisting on ensuring my friend is safe despite her protestation.

If you insisted on ensuring that your - uninjured, adult, completely capable, autonomous - friend was safe despite her protestations, that is beyond weird. WTF gives you the right to act like that? Seriously?

Misstic · 14/05/2017 18:07

There is nothing strange with the ambulance scenario. It is what it is and the comparison is apt. Insisting on doing something kind for someone despite their protestation because you know it is the right thong to do, and at the same time being annoyed about the inconvenience.

Anyway, the OP has no doubt moved on.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 18:08

Once again your feeling of "doing your duty" does not trump someone's autonomy and wishes,unless their decision making skills are severely incapacitated.

I had a male friend insisting he stayed with me while i threw up after drinking. I couldn't throw up in front of others back then so i was getting more and more frustrated,agitated,swallowing my own vomit while passing his stupid little test to be deemed "safe" to be left alone.
No amount of pleading,negotiating or reassuring worked, but he was utterly impressed that i passed his test and never checked on my "safety" again. Me giving him a bollocking prolly helped as well.