Strange Noises

[SandraInTheSun]

Really odd problem, and not sure where else to post. DH is wonderful, kind and caring but this problem is really bothering me. For background, we're together 7 years, married for 2, DD is 7 months old. He's great with her, in a senior, responsible role at work and is articulate, thoughtful and great fun.

This problem is long term, but probably bothers me more because I'm on maternity leave and sometimes deprived of adult company! He often makes odd noises instead of communicating properly, just with me. Like if I tell him about my day, he might say 'That is the flumblewormp of papunosity'. If I offer him a cup of tea, he might answer with 'that's what she said' instead of an appropriate response. Instead of informing me he needs to use the restroom, he might flail his arms and legs and shout 'wee wee wee wee'. This can be constant on a bad day, a few times an hour on a good day.

He manages to stop this completely to talk to absolutely everyone else. He seems to find himself really amusing. When I ask him to stop he tells me he'll 'be a good boy', and whenever I've tried to discuss it seriously he seems positively dejected.

I'm worried about its impact on DD learning to talk in the near future. I often feel dismissed and almost as though I'm the one being silly? He's otherwise such a lovely person.

There are no likely mental health issues. I'm a psychiatrist. There's no pervasive low mood, no delusions, no elation. No likely obsessive/compulsive element. I've recommended asking his GP or possibly seeking an opinion from someone who isn't his wife, but he's too embarrassed and can totally stop when in company.

Lost. Help!

I mean, constantly on a bad day and several times an hour on a good one? You're not even able to have a sensible conversation with him whilst you're alone for this behaviour, that he appears to control fully when he's out in public. You're trying to rationalise it, diagnose it, label it, reason it out. What's he doing, since he knows it bothers you?

This is IME/O SO common. Men who feel entitled to make their wives solely responsible for roles they see as exclusively 'feminine' and use PA behaviour as a means of controlling the dynamic and punishing their wives for overstepping 'the boundaries' of their ideas re gender roles.

Offred, yes, it sounds like the stereotypical "La la la, fingers in my ears, I can't hear you!" magnified times a million, doesn't it?

Thanks all.

@Naicehamshop and @SecondRow, all food for thought really.

He has no issue with my going out and he pulls his weight reasonably well.

It's almost an isolated issue, but permeates a lot, if that even makes sense?

Think I'll ignore more consistently and ask if he does intend on having adult conversations ever again.

Problem is I'm a well known doormat and will feel like I'm being cruel and stifling!

Behaving like a child is a really effective way of forcing your wife to focus on motherhood.

YY, all this need for clarification and detailed instruction is subversive. It's highlighting that this is your job, however conscious or unconscious and it's working for him, you're dancing round, trying to puzzle out why he does this, so he continues to do so. I'd either lose my shit or just start walking out of the room. Just leave stuff to him. Walk out and leave. He calls or texts, send one reply, 'You are a competent and intelligent person. Use your brain.'

Problem is I'm a well known doormat and will feel like I'm being cruel and stifling!

And right there, this is something you can work on! YOU are in control of that. You're not in control of his subversive behaviour, but you are of your feelings about it. Think about it practically: why on Earth should you feel cruel and stifling for wanting an adult relationship with your spouse and the father of your child? How is that in any way cruel or stifling to be answered like an adult when he accords this to everyone else but you?

It really isn't that much to ask and certainly you are deserving of that.

I'm just wondering, OP, have you actually been managing his behaviour for a long time? Like, presumably you've bought a house or some other major purchase together in the past, or had conversations about TTC or maternity leave or financial planning... I'm imagining you pre-planning discussions out of the house down the local cafe or something any time you need to have a sensible conversation about anything...?

Does he talk properly when he initiated the conversation?

We all have quirks. I'll sing and hum or say things out loud I shouldn't if I'm anxious. But what I think it's unusual is that from what you describe you never hear him talk to you in a normal voice. Unless you are in public. And he knows this upsets you. Yet he doesn't acknowledge that.

What does he say if you tell him you find it upsetting? Does he tell you how being ridiculous? Is that why you asked if it would annoy others? Because he has told you it's your problem to deal with and not his?

Have you lost your shit with him?

Do you wake up in the morning and crave for him to talk to you like am adult?

I'd be crying my eyeballs out if my dp never spoke to me on equal terms in the house. I think i would have mimicked him to show him how it feels and the ultimately begged him to stop and get it sorted. If I believed there was no neuro logical causes then I would start to conclude he was doing it to humiliate me.

Is his name "Colin Hunt"

Problem is I'm a well known doormat and will feel like I'm being cruel and stifling!

Sounds like you are both being called to change some deeply entrenched, sabotaging behaviours.

So when you try to discuss it he puts on the wounded puppy act, knowing you are a doormat and will back down and probably apologize.
You aren't stiffling anything op. Just ignoring the obvious.

@MsStricty It's a long work in progress in my case. Being addressed appropriately, I assure you!

I think being a 'doormat' actually requires lots of inner strength and patience.

Are you on maternity leave, Sandra?

As Nacho says, the lack of adult interaction would drive anyone loopy, it could be even worse if you are also struggling with less adult contact while off work. Is that why the dynamic with him is getting to you more, even though his behaviour preceded DC?

I hope he isn't criticising your personality. Calling you cruel or a walk over or a nag etc.

So you'll know that if you don't want to, or are not even able to acknowledge there's an issue, it is near impossible to change. The ball really is in his court.

Using "you" in the sense of "one".

@SecondRow yes, I am at the moment. Mentioned same possibility in a previous post at some point, do it might get easier when I'm back at work.

In the meantime I'll keep ignoring and requesting - brush up on my behaviourism!

'In the meantime I'll keep ignoring and requesting - brush up on my behaviourism!'

And give yourself a break! Doing this is very draining and exhausting. I have to do this with my son due to his ASD but he's only 8 and that's hard enough.

@expatinscotland Thank you!

Thanks everyone for all the support.

It sounds like PA to me as he only does it in front of you. I think he's doing it solely to piss you off. My Dh does the same because he enjoys winding me up (think he feels emasculated). I try to pretend that I haven't heard him when he starts, but sometimes I flip and shout at him. I've taken to listening to music through headphones when I'm at home which really annoys him!

I'd kill him.

What is speaking in 'lolcat'?

I hope my input can be of some use and won't lead to odd judgments:

I used to act a lot like your DH. I'm a barrister and at one point my workload was so stressful it very nearly led to a breakdown. Each day my head would be turned inside out with complexities, my days would be extremely long and there would be a lot riding on my competency and efficiency.

I'd work well into the nights, start again in the morning on hardly any sleep and present myself well to all. I was seen to be very much on top of things. I could socialise (and had to for work) and appear lively and interested.

Then I'd get home to my DH and my brain would switch off. I'd barely get words out and I created a kind of language to communicate with him because I could hardly function. On the lesser shit days I'd carry it on as it just became the norm. It was a childish kind of communication and he would baby me in some ways (not in a creepy way).

It wasn't at all healthy but probably more acceptable as I'm female. Childish behaviour could be seen as cutesy, if my DH did it back, however, I'd find it off-putting.

I'm not saying your DH is on his way to some sort of breakdown. It could be, though, like me, his brain is fried throughout the day and when he gets home he resorts to a kind of mindless state.

My workload became more manageable which allowed me to take up a much healthier lifestyle including meditation & yoga. Once my mind was in a better place I began returning to being much more of a functioning adult at home.

All very bizarre now that I think about it and see it written down but hopefully of some help to you, OP.