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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Strange Noises

227 replies

SandraInTheSun · 13/05/2017 12:44

Really odd problem, and not sure where else to post. DH is wonderful, kind and caring but this problem is really bothering me. For background, we're together 7 years, married for 2, DD is 7 months old. He's great with her, in a senior, responsible role at work and is articulate, thoughtful and great fun.

This problem is long term, but probably bothers me more because I'm on maternity leave and sometimes deprived of adult company! He often makes odd noises instead of communicating properly, just with me. Like if I tell him about my day, he might say 'That is the flumblewormp of papunosity'. If I offer him a cup of tea, he might answer with 'that's what she said' instead of an appropriate response. Instead of informing me he needs to use the restroom, he might flail his arms and legs and shout 'wee wee wee wee'. This can be constant on a bad day, a few times an hour on a good day.

He manages to stop this completely to talk to absolutely everyone else. He seems to find himself really amusing. When I ask him to stop he tells me he'll 'be a good boy', and whenever I've tried to discuss it seriously he seems positively dejected.

I'm worried about its impact on DD learning to talk in the near future. I often feel dismissed and almost as though I'm the one being silly? He's otherwise such a lovely person.

There are no likely mental health issues. I'm a psychiatrist. There's no pervasive low mood, no delusions, no elation. No likely obsessive/compulsive element. I've recommended asking his GP or possibly seeking an opinion from someone who isn't his wife, but he's too embarrassed and can totally stop when in company.

Lost. Help!

OP posts:
CountessYgritte · 13/05/2017 14:37

One of my mums friends was married to a very successful CEO of a multinational company. She was unbelievably bossy and organised (and lovely but very blunt speaking) and worked in education

When he was at home with her he was like a deferential little boy. The dynamic worked for them. They didn't have kids (not through choice) so I wonder if it wouldn't have been tolerated in that case.

nachogazpacho · 13/05/2017 14:38

Even though you are a psychiatrist I think you are too close to him to be objective. would he agree to investigate it?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/05/2017 14:38

Hmmmm, sounds a bit like my DH. With him it's not so much noises or words 'at me', but that he needs a constant 'noise source' so humming, nonsense words, odd sounds, loud 'operatic' La la las, etc when things are quiet. (He's doing it now as a matter of fact) I have to admit that at times it drives me potty as I really enjoy 'a good silence'. And it makes me a bit angry when I have the telly on and he's doing it in another room. But TBH, I really don't think he hears himself, iyswim.

I've learnt to pretty much tune him out but occasionally I'll loudly say "do you MIND?" and he'll pipe down (for a while).

Have you tried a stern blank stare when he says things directly to you and refusing to engage further with him? If you give him a cup of tea and he says something stupid, try taking it back with a 'can you simply say 'thank you', please?'. I think you've got to look at this as 'training a dog' now rather than asking him to change. You've asked, he hasn't done it. Now it's time for action/reaction/change his action.

nachogazpacho · 13/05/2017 14:40

With another psychologist I mean. Or would be be professionally embarrassed?

SandraInTheSun · 13/05/2017 14:42

@nachogazpacho I don't think he has a diagnosable disorder. I mentioned above that I'm just trying to cover all angles. I diagnose ADHD in adults on a regular basis, and impulse control in one area with one person doesn't come close. He's organised, good with focus even on dull tasks, engaged well in school as a child, generally has excellent impulse control, is good at planning, is far more tidy than I am and would state that he finds his work very manageable.

@Offred, I'm not so much trying to label it as make sure I've considered all likely possibilities. I really don't think he has an actual disorder.

OP posts:
CountessYgritte · 13/05/2017 14:44

I do understand the desire to name it or find out others are like that. Otherwise you have to acknowledge he is a twat at home and won't stop being one when you ask.

He sounds quite endearing to me but I can see it may not feel that way.

If you were at home and he was being silly and you suddenly had some bad news and were upset, would he turn it off and become 'normal' again or would his silliness ramp up?

Seeingadistance · 13/05/2017 14:46

Apologies if you've already mentioned this and I've missed it, but have you asked him why he does it? Does he have an awareness of what he's doing, how it makes him feel and why he does it? And does he have an awareness or care about how it makes you feel?

It does seem strange that he doesn't make these noises when he's on his, so that suggests it's not a cathartic action, but more some kind of performance - and you are required as part of that - even unwillingly.

Seeingadistance · 13/05/2017 14:47

CountessYgritte's last question is a good one.

Offred · 13/05/2017 14:47

I don't mean 'diagnose' as a doctor (as others have accused you of) so much as wanting to explain it as a partner really so that you can find ways of dealing with it.

Does he behave in any other ways that could be seen as childlike in your relationship?

It is fairly common for men who feel insecure in some ways to try to control their wives/partners rather than deal with their anxieties by taking on a childlike role.

Even if he is a nice guy overall and this is the only thing he is doing the socialisation of men and women to have specific roles (man - provider, not emotional, strong etc, woman - children, house, emotions etc) can create relationship anxieties that sometimes people are not fully aware of themselves.

SleepingTiger · 13/05/2017 14:48

He just doesn't respect you. It's as simple as that. He tries to infantise your time together, to take you backwards.

mistermagpie · 13/05/2017 14:49

This would drive me mad. I couldn't find somebody who behaved like this attractive at all.

Has he done it for as long as you have known him? If so, what did you think at first? If not, when did it start?

Have you actually told him to stop it? I mean, seriously? He is clearly able to control it and maybe if you have been quite tolerant so far, he doesn't realise how annoying it is.

I agree it's unlikely to be Tourette's or some other 'disorder' because it seems entirely situational to when he is at home with you.

nachogazpacho · 13/05/2017 14:50

So if it's not impulsive or compulsive, he's doing it on purpose. To wind you up. I still think that you are too close to assess him really. Your relationship removes your ability to be objective about it. Have you broached the subject of him talking to someone about it? Does it bother him at all? Does it bother him that you are finding it hard to cope with?

SandraInTheSun · 13/05/2017 14:51

@Offred it's food for thought really. I'll bear it in mind. Not the feeling I get, but that doesn't equate to not true!

@CountessYgritte he can stop if he wants, but sometimes I'll tell him about a dilemma I'm having and he might give solid advice in lolcat speak.

OP posts:
Sayhellotothelittlefella · 13/05/2017 14:52

Seems like it's an immature sense of humour and/or attention seeking to me. Try ignoring him and when you ask him if he wants something and he gives a stupid answer - don't say anything just don't get him whatever it was you asked, then if he complains just say " well you didn't answer me". I can see how this would be so aggravating but try starving it of oxygen

Offred · 13/05/2017 14:53

If you told him 'I find this behaviour infantilising and disrespectful' what would he do/say?

VerySadInside · 13/05/2017 14:53

I think I do some of what your DP does Blush

Only when alone or with the dog, never in front of other people and thinking about it I would maybe do it in from too the cat but not in front of the horse- which is odd.

I make silly sounds/noises and accents and talk and odd movements. It is hard to describe but it is when I am relaxed and happy- I also dance around in odd ways. It's nothing about being zany or trying to be special, it's more a release. I am very introverted and find social situations stressful but you'd never know, I am very confident at work and have a client facing role. It's almost like a release after hiding it all in and being proper at the office. Nothing to do with sense of humour either, I have a good joke with friends and colleagues.

The few times anyone has caught me I have been very embarrassed. I did used to wish I'd meet someone I'd feel comfortable enough with to be that relaxed with but after reading this thread I don't hold much hope!

nachogazpacho · 13/05/2017 14:53

The constant nature of it or at best a few times an hour must drive you round the bend if you have no idea why he's doing it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/05/2017 14:53

OP, you say he wouldn't be at all comfortable with you broadcasting him, speaking gibberish, so why does he continue to disrespect you.
It's the flailing around with his arms and legs, four times a day, wee wee, wee wee, that makes my skin crawl.
You may think that you can put up with this now, but long term, may be another matter. It will surely kill your ardour.
This issue needs firm addressing, not dressing up.

Seeingadistance · 13/05/2017 14:54

sometimes I'll tell him about a dilemma I'm having and he might give solid advice in lolcat speak.

Fuck! There's no way I could live with that. Sorry.

SandraInTheSun · 13/05/2017 14:56

@nachogazpacho he completely refuses to address it. I did suggest getting a check over, but to no avail.

(I know your interest seems to be ADHD. FWIW he scores pretty much a fat zero on self report scale and 1 for impulse control on the ones we use. Discussed at home when we introduced more comprehensive tools at work a few years back.)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/05/2017 15:01

I'd leave the room every time he did that. That would fucking enrage me. My son has ASD, it doesn't sound like he has this and I do not permit inappropriate behaviour in him, he needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not. ASD is not an excuse to behave like an arse.

He is doing this only with you. That speaks volumes. 'You're going to have to stop doing this because it is seriously compromising my feelings for you. I don't find this zany or endearing at all. I've explained to you that I find it disrespectful and hurtful, but you persist in doing this, only with me.'

2x2shoes · 13/05/2017 15:01

I think asd, the babbling sounds like some sort of echolalia/verbal stimming.
Asd is so broad, plenty of people with asd make eye contact, have friends, hold down responsible jobs. And you are probably very used to seeing people with asd/ADHD being able to 'fit in' in certain situations like school, work, and then behaving very differently at home where they can relax, or de-stress.

nachogazpacho · 13/05/2017 15:01

When my preteen dc uses the baby voice I explain it's disrespectful. Have you ever felt that when he talks to you like this? It's like he doesn't take you seriously if he's doing lolcat language when you ask for his advice. Does he realise this?

I've used the baby voice back and it showed my dc how annoying it is. Have you tried doing it back? Or would it upset him?

mumonashoestring · 13/05/2017 15:03

(I know your interest seems to be ADHD. FWIW he scores pretty much a fat zero on self report scale and 1 for impulse control on the ones we use. Discussed at home when we introduced more comprehensive tools at work a few years back.)

Assuming these are the kind of tests where you assess based on your responses or behaviours in different situations, did he answer them based on how he behaves when he's 'being good' or how he behaves around you? I can definitely see a possibility that, since he refers to behaving neurotypically as being good, he's had some other behaviours at some point - probably childhood - that have been trained out of him and only resurfaced when he felt safe again.

Offred · 13/05/2017 15:03

I watched it with my parents, though my dad expressed it by being volatile, angry, unreasonable, sullen (still childlike) etc it came about because, despite choosing my mum for who she is, he hadn't realised that the very reasons he had chosen her (as a 'superior' person) made him feel extremely threatened and listless as 'his role' was undermined by her strength, intelligence, capability etc.

The problem with the whole thing is that he thought having her as a wife would say good things about him, that her value was as an asset to him. But those very qualities actually took away the roles that he felt were 'his' by virtue of his gender and his career and he only realised that after marriage and children.

His beliefs left him only able to fulfil the role of 'child' as he couldn't be 'husband' as he thought of the role.

It doesn't sound like your H is anything like as bad as my dad but it may be a similar dynamic.

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