Strange Noises

[SandraInTheSun]

Really odd problem, and not sure where else to post. DH is wonderful, kind and caring but this problem is really bothering me. For background, we're together 7 years, married for 2, DD is 7 months old. He's great with her, in a senior, responsible role at work and is articulate, thoughtful and great fun.

This problem is long term, but probably bothers me more because I'm on maternity leave and sometimes deprived of adult company! He often makes odd noises instead of communicating properly, just with me. Like if I tell him about my day, he might say 'That is the flumblewormp of papunosity'. If I offer him a cup of tea, he might answer with 'that's what she said' instead of an appropriate response. Instead of informing me he needs to use the restroom, he might flail his arms and legs and shout 'wee wee wee wee'. This can be constant on a bad day, a few times an hour on a good day.

He manages to stop this completely to talk to absolutely everyone else. He seems to find himself really amusing. When I ask him to stop he tells me he'll 'be a good boy', and whenever I've tried to discuss it seriously he seems positively dejected.

I'm worried about its impact on DD learning to talk in the near future. I often feel dismissed and almost as though I'm the one being silly? He's otherwise such a lovely person.

There are no likely mental health issues. I'm a psychiatrist. There's no pervasive low mood, no delusions, no elation. No likely obsessive/compulsive element. I've recommended asking his GP or possibly seeking an opinion from someone who isn't his wife, but he's too embarrassed and can totally stop when in company.

Lost. Help!

See on the side of him needing instructions that is another symptom of adhd...but it could also be him doing something so badly you don't ask him to do it again. I think the key to it will be you Notting when it happens and if it is possible he does it for a particular outcome in his favour. I would hope it was something he isn't doing on purpose.

@FuriousElk I explained in detail why I don't believe he's autistic.

@userpol I know his family well. His mum is retired, but worked with children and didn't expect him to be excessively 'grown up' or developmentally 'older' (said in response to a relevant comment at the time). Very 'conventional', happy childhood from his, his parents' and his sister's point of view.

@nachogazpacho, he copes fine if I'm out. It's more that he wants rather than needs instructions?

He sounds so much like my DH and mine has ASD. Very high functioning in some areas, brilliant at planning, in need of clear instructions (at times), dislikes confrontation, takes offence easily, can be extremely stupid/silly.

Perhaps it's difficult for you OP, to step outside the emotion of a relationship and view your DH dispassionately.

It really does sound sexually unattractive.
Could you appeal to him to stop on those grounds alone?
What if, instead of trying to work out why, you change focus to just trying to get him to stop.
How do you think he would feel if you could get him to truly understand that you NEED him to stop for the future health of your sex life. If he genuinely internalised the fact that each one of these interactions chips away at his sexual attractiveness to you, would he stop?
I think DH or I would concentrate hard on changing a behaviour if we believed it was off putting in that way.
You can continue to love him despite his goofing but it doesn't sound as though you could find him desirable if this continues indefinitely. I think you need to simplify your requests and the your reasons and see if he can moderate his behaviour in the face of some very clear messages. Be forthright about what is at stake - his sexual desirability to his wife.
Good luck OP. I'm not suggested that you row or are unpleasant to him, I just think your natural compassion & your professional, intellectual interest in this is leading you to be unclear with your message.

Also the fact that it's almost constant. Does he ever talk to you in a normal voice?

You don't think he's doing it purely to wind you up or annoy you... but does he care that it does annoy you?

If you take the view that he does it because he's getting something out of it - and I agree with Offred that it seems more a function of your relationship than solely of his personality, as you are the only person he inflicts it on - then what does he achieve?

Well, you say it's impossible to have a normal conversation - so is that what he wants? Is he blocking intimacy, blocking you from expressing yourself, possibly having wants and needs that you want him to listen to?

If he is constantly creating a diversion, how can you relate to each other on an authentic level? You are being pushed into a Mummy and bad cop role, constantly policing his behaviour. This must be what he wants - avoiding adult to adult level discussions?

Or if it's the case that he insists this is the authentic him, take him as you find him kind of thing, you'd be justified asking if he never intends to have a grown-up conversation with you again?!

I admit I have wondered before if anyone else ever cringes at their own relationship dynamic - sometimes I've had phases with DP when I realise our interaction for days had consisted of head-tilting, sympathy voice and ergh, just kind of playing our mummy and daddy roles. It can feel almost awkward to initiate a normal conversation Although that was more when we were in the fog years of sleepless nights etc. So maybe baby stress could be a bit of factor in your tolerance levels as much as in his coping mechanisms?

Sorry just speculation OP, you're the psychiatrist as PPs have said!

The thing is though, whatever is causing it, he is required to take the action to change it.

It always comes down to whether you can deal with it or whether you are going to leave him to it.

He doesn't do it when alone or with anyone else.
He'd be humiliated (more like angry?) if anyone knew.
He can stop at anytime.
He knows it pisses you off.

He is taking the piss out of you.

Do not engage with any conversation with him unless he talks to you properly.

I haven't read the full thread so sorry if this has been suggest, but could your dh be autistic? I ask because my ds does similar and we have been told that theory are verbal stims, he does this to calm himself or just because he is excited/ overwhelmed. He mostly does it at home although has done it out and about and in class at school but as he has got older he has got better at not doing this when out. He does it more at home because he feels more comfortable here. His physical stims sounds similar too.

Do you get the feeling he doesn't want you to go out?

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This is a bit of a wild card but is he trying to show how intelligent he is? I know it may sound paradoxical but is he trying to impress with verbosity? Does he ever make stuff rhyme to show how clever he is?
My BIL in very intelligent with a high IQ but in trying to get that across to people he comes off as a total cock! He has to show his knowledge on anything and everything in the vicinity and it''s as wearing as hell. He is physically unattractive and I see this as all he's got and it's beyond annoying. The day we scattered my DDads ashes will live in my memory for evermore as he was in overdrive and babbling away telling us that the field we were walking over had been fed with nitrogen because blah blah blah. The tree had been chewed by deer and then he went through all the species of deer he knew trying to guess which one blah blah blah. I eventually gave him the thousand mile stare and he stopped actually talking and started humming arias. When DSis asked to go to pub afterwards I had to say no as I wanted him dead by then and could not tolerate another minute. I had to go back to the place we scattered Dad the next day just to get my head straight. How my sister sticks it I do not know. He earns a fortune though
I just wondered if he in fact feels unappreciated in his daily life and has an underlying urge to impress?

@Monkeyface26, that's a really interesting point.

@purplecoathanger I genuinely don't think he has ASD and I'm not sure a diagnosis would actually benefit him anyway. Did you read my post about his childhood friendships and 'conventional' imaginative play? Whether I step back or not, he wouldn't seek an external opinion. He lacks most major features of ASD anyway, both subjectively and objectively. And you can't really diagnose anything on a single behaviour in a single setting. I'm not dismissing the possibility. I'm considering it, and in my personal and professional opinion, it's genuinely unlikely.

@Rescuepuppydaft2 This has been discussed at length!

You say that you don't think he has a diagnosable disorder, and that he can control his behaviour if he wants to. This makes me feel that it must be in some way used to create a sort of barrier or distance between you. Does he struggle with emotional intimacy? Does he maybe think that you demand too much from him emotionally?

What if you did it to him next time you need the loo or he needs to talk or asks for instructions or wants sex to show him how much of a twat he looks and sounds.

I agree there's no point in a diagnosis or a label but clearly there's something "different" about your DH.

Have a look at the website and forum DIFFERENT TOGETHER.

I'm not sure it really IS all that clear that there is something different about him TBH!

Men reacting to more womens' expectations of gender equality whilst there is still a dominant culture of defined gender roles makes men taking on a childlike role in relationships extremely common IMO.

Sympathies OP, it sounds really hard to live with.

Have you tried sitting down with him recently and having a conversation about it? Ideally when he's not in the throes of it so you're not reacting to the triggers.

Explain to him that it's grating on you unbearably and will chip away at your marriage. Even if he doesn't know or won't acknowledge why he does it, at least then he will be clear on your feelings. Perhaps you can brainstorm with him about why he does it and alternative behaviors that might be less annoying to you?

It does sound either possibly PA or poor impulse control around you in particular. And if you're both sleep deprived that can't be helping either. Good luck.

The unfortunate thing is, that this whole situation may well get worse rather than better over the years.

A previous poster said that your dd will probably find his behaviour funny as she gets older... yes, for a few years, then she will start to find it horribly embarrassing to the extent that she won't want to go anywhere with him.

His behaviour could seriously impact on your family life for years to come.

Have you tried losing your shit when he does this? Because to be honest, you are a paragon of restraint.

Yes, NaiceHam, that's what I was getting at too. Then, if it is a deliberate or subconscious emotional blocking tactic, the options would be he is afraid of intimacy in case he is found lacking, incapable of providing the adult support/ interaction OP needs, or afraid of getting hurt himself by opening up, OR... he's blocking because he can't be bothered with putting in some effort into emotional labour.

Or something else?

Does he pull his weight around the house? What is the dynamic there?

Or he has feelings of entitlement which he is expressing through the use of PA behaviours.