Strange Noises

[SandraInTheSun]

Really odd problem, and not sure where else to post. DH is wonderful, kind and caring but this problem is really bothering me. For background, we're together 7 years, married for 2, DD is 7 months old. He's great with her, in a senior, responsible role at work and is articulate, thoughtful and great fun.

This problem is long term, but probably bothers me more because I'm on maternity leave and sometimes deprived of adult company! He often makes odd noises instead of communicating properly, just with me. Like if I tell him about my day, he might say 'That is the flumblewormp of papunosity'. If I offer him a cup of tea, he might answer with 'that's what she said' instead of an appropriate response. Instead of informing me he needs to use the restroom, he might flail his arms and legs and shout 'wee wee wee wee'. This can be constant on a bad day, a few times an hour on a good day.

He manages to stop this completely to talk to absolutely everyone else. He seems to find himself really amusing. When I ask him to stop he tells me he'll 'be a good boy', and whenever I've tried to discuss it seriously he seems positively dejected.

I'm worried about its impact on DD learning to talk in the near future. I often feel dismissed and almost as though I'm the one being silly? He's otherwise such a lovely person.

There are no likely mental health issues. I'm a psychiatrist. There's no pervasive low mood, no delusions, no elation. No likely obsessive/compulsive element. I've recommended asking his GP or possibly seeking an opinion from someone who isn't his wife, but he's too embarrassed and can totally stop when in company.

Lost. Help!

My sense is that it's either of two things:

1. A regressive behaviour that is somehow triggered, and acted out only in your presence because you represent the parental figure in question.

1. A wholly unconscious act of aggression. He will undoubtedly be bemused if you approach him with this because he is unaware of his own motive.

I would lose my shit.

@Sugarpiehoneyeye that's my concern. It's not the most sexy.

The tough part is where to draw a line. I don't mind the odd noise. I grew up in a house of musicians, actors and teachers and things were occasionally theatrical! Prone to singing and the odd accent myself. This is different. I don't want to totally stifle him, but would like the occasional ordinary chat.

No I'm torn between it being impulsive or it being abusive. Sorry to be blunt but if you've definitely ruled out impulsive and he refuses to acknowledge it is upsetting you then perhaps he is intimidated by you and is gaslighting you to the max. But I'd rule out adhd or an anxiety issue first. It's just it sounds draining but he isn't acknowledging this at all. If he is a psychiatrist too then surely he is aware it is hard for you to listen to him talk to you k like a baby.

He's in a different speciality to me.

The rating scales cover different areas, so he and I would rate both.

I have wondered about unconscious aggression and mightn't dismiss it.

He is prone to developing a headache when asked to do certain things, but on addressing this, they stopped.

Yes, the simplest explanation is often the best and the simplest explanation is that he is doing it to you because he gets something out of annoying you like this.

How does he talk to you if you ask him to do something house or baby related? Eg ' can you make up a bottle whilst I change the nappy? ' would be reply like lolcat and then not do it and does it make you stop asking him to do his bit next time? Is he using it as a tactic so you don't ask for any help?

Yes, it sounds more and more like it is PA behaviour which results in some kind of benefit to him.

X post. So he's used tactics to get out of things before. Mmmm I'm thinking he might well be doing it to absolve himself of responsibility in the home

Brings to mind the time my dad made my mum switch off the sat nav because he wanted her to ask him for directions and was jealous of her use of it then played the 'role' of the sat nav for the whole journey but telling her the directions too late.

It was pathetic and stressful to be in the car with them but she found it funny....

Just adding that I have worked with doctors with ASD and ADHD, so I know many, many people with these conditions do function wonderfully.

DH will do something for DD right away, but will ask for a lot of clarification and instruction.

Not at the time though. He was being a big baby and she was screaming and shouting hysterically.

I don't think it is PA or abusive. I think when relaxed he makes stupid sounds because he likes to.

You want to change that as it annoys you increasing amounts (understandable). If you told him it was making you find him sexually unattractive as it is so infantile, what would he say?

I think it is habit or stress relief. I would walk away every single time if he won't listen.

Have you thought about filming him secretly and showing it to him when he is not arsing around? So he can see how he looks and sounds. Perhaps film yourself asking him to stop doing it - does it escalate at this point?

Do you think he'll talk to your dc like it? I think that would cause problems tbh for your dc. It would be very confusing. Children don't understand sarcasm. And they would find it difficult if they copied his behaviour because a teacher for example would find it very unexpected. Also just watching him y talk to you like that would give them an odd view of what a relationship between adults is like.

You said upthread that he'd feel humiliated if others knew what he did at home. To me that tells you all you need to know. He's choosing to do this and doesn't respect you.

Actually maybe it is PA. Needing lots of instruction is odd for someone who is used to looking after people.

Maybe it is a reaction to you as a mum and him wanting you to mother him too.

Would he go to couples counselling.

@Sprinklestar that's my concern, especially as he doesn't do it alone.

Yy he doesn't 'need' instruction. He is wanting it for some reason that he benefits from.

I'm imagining offred's experience from a child's view would cause great anxiety. Have you ever lost it with him or do you have the patience of a saint? I mean, have you ever reached the end of your tether and how had he reacted? Does he show any acknowledgment that his behaviour makes you have negative feelings?

Just to say Sandra, that I really do feel for you, but find it, in his case, unacceptable, because he can control it. Your ways, are quite normal, I'm sure, but this never ending, prolonged childishness, from an educated guy, just NO. It will grind you down.
Anyway OP, it's a miaow from me 😄
Thank you for your reply.

Is he autistic? We're a spectrum household and we do things like that ds1 in particular regularly makes odd noises and sounds and he has tics as well, although he tries to hide them.

Has he ever 'joked' about your personality or looks in any way that was critical or negative ?

Sounds more like he's relaxing with you than targeting you. There are loads of things people would be embarrassed about doing in public that they do in private, that's not necessarily disrespect!

What do you mean, his mum works with kids? What do you actually know about his childhood? (I'm guessing given your profession you've discussed it a lot.)

@CountessYgritte it precedes DD's arrival.

He's not massively motivated by sex (interested, initiates, but not fussed) so telling him it's a turn off probably not too effective.

It really helps to know not everyone would find this a breeze to deal with!

It's not a breeze to deal with, no.

The whole point of using silliness as a PA tactic is to leave the other person feeling like if they object they are 'the bad guy'.

My dad does silliness sometimes as well as outright aggression.