Strange Noises

[SandraInTheSun]

Really odd problem, and not sure where else to post. DH is wonderful, kind and caring but this problem is really bothering me. For background, we're together 7 years, married for 2, DD is 7 months old. He's great with her, in a senior, responsible role at work and is articulate, thoughtful and great fun.

This problem is long term, but probably bothers me more because I'm on maternity leave and sometimes deprived of adult company! He often makes odd noises instead of communicating properly, just with me. Like if I tell him about my day, he might say 'That is the flumblewormp of papunosity'. If I offer him a cup of tea, he might answer with 'that's what she said' instead of an appropriate response. Instead of informing me he needs to use the restroom, he might flail his arms and legs and shout 'wee wee wee wee'. This can be constant on a bad day, a few times an hour on a good day.

He manages to stop this completely to talk to absolutely everyone else. He seems to find himself really amusing. When I ask him to stop he tells me he'll 'be a good boy', and whenever I've tried to discuss it seriously he seems positively dejected.

I'm worried about its impact on DD learning to talk in the near future. I often feel dismissed and almost as though I'm the one being silly? He's otherwise such a lovely person.

There are no likely mental health issues. I'm a psychiatrist. There's no pervasive low mood, no delusions, no elation. No likely obsessive/compulsive element. I've recommended asking his GP or possibly seeking an opinion from someone who isn't his wife, but he's too embarrassed and can totally stop when in company.

Lost. Help!

[CountessYgritte]

How is it going Sandra?

[3luckystars]

I would start doing it back to him.

[CheerfulYank]

That's what my DH does pocket :) He doesn't do it at work.

[pocketsaviour]

I find Gillit's post really interesting because I have experienced similar "coping" behaviours when I've had a really stressful job that I found overwhelming, and on reading the OP I immediately thought it was anxiety escape valve. He holds it together all day long, then lapses into childlike nonsense when he feels he's in a safe, non-judgemental space.

If this is the case, then a discussion about how he can wind down and relieve stress in a different way should be really productive.

[testnamechange]

I'd imagine competing with your child. Personally couldn't abide this

[Hidingalion]

I find it hard to imagine how you address it op. With me it would go
Him: Silly voice thing..."
Me: "When you speak to me like that I feel you are not hearing or seeing me as a real person. What are you trying to say to me by speaking like that?"
Him: blah blah, it's just me, it's funny,
Me: it's important to me that you stop doing it. Are you prepared to do that?
Then jump on the next example and be very clear it's disrespectful. If it doesn't get sorted it would be a deal breaker - because he can't see that it's a real barrier to intimacy.

There were a few red flags in your posts about how you address it.
He 'doesn't do conflict well'
You're a 'bit of a doormat'
You stop the discussion when he becomes dejected and depressed. So what? You're dejected by it too.

I think you could look at the way you address it maybe?

[quizqueen]

..and every time, and I mean every time, take his cup, plate of dinner , newspaper or whatever is in front of him and throw the contents in the bin without a word. If I did that, if nothing else, it would make me feel better!!!! He would have to stop or starve.

[quizqueen]

The more you comment about it, the more you are feeding it. Remove the audience.

[CheerfulYank]

My DH does this, kind of. It's not in a babyish voice or anything but he will definitely say things that don't make sense. He has a handful of words or phrases that he uses for seemingly no reason.

It's a stim, I think. He's somewhere on some spectrum. There were other things too, when I thought about it. Not liking sticky things, not being able to concentrate with too many noises, not liking the sounds of wind, anxiety over things ...far beyond the "normal" scope.

It can get annoying but they're his coping mechanisms and for the most part I'm pretty over it.

I get that it's different with your husband, I was just telling you my experience. :)

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Sorry that it took me a couple of days to get to the end of the thread.
Very interesting.
My dh would do the word rhyming nonsense off and on and I would just roll my eyes. Then he would be triggered every time I encouraged dd to eat her breakfast and would launch into "Eat Santa Eat!" I finally did say: you do know how absolutely annoying that is, right?" So he stopped it.

I agree with Ofred and expat though. The fact that he saves this behavior for you and you alone means it is intentional. I shared this with my dh and he said it is just wierd. Imho, only he knows the purpose, but the gut feeling is that it is a manipulation of some sort. Like the need for excessive detailed directions to do a regular task would be designed to have you do it yourself to save the ordeal of all of that explaining.

I don't know what the goal of the gobbledygook would be except to prevent you from talking to him. Not nice.
I agree with ignore him. I agree with leave the room. Or perhaps brush up on your best David Attenborough impersonation and do a running analysis of his behavior; "and look at the effect this strange infantile behavior is having on his mate: she seems utterly repulsed by his regressive impressions and seeks to create physical distance from him..." Etc
Yes it is mocking him ("laugh at him"says Elizabeth Bennet) but perhaps he deserves it!

On being a doormat: there will come a point when enough will be enough. Even a worm will turn.

[Haffiana]

I think he is trying to get you to lighten up, OP. It is failing miserably. He is probably extremely dejected that you either don't comprehend him or that you are too uptight to join in with him.

Would you say you have a normal sense of humour? Or do you find most humour childish? Do you prefer a more intellectual humour? Do you expect adults to behave seriously all the time?

[Mumfun]

To me it sounds like he masks at work or is stressed at work and relaxes with you. To me it fits best the impression of a kind and lovely partner that you portray.

And others have told you here how they have coped at work and then gone home and done similar behaviour when they can relax.

Of course I recognise your professional knowledge makes you well placed to assess ASC.

The only point I would make is that a lot of ASC has emerged in my family recently. Some are typically obvious. And then some younger women started being picked up. And then it made me realise that some older women were ASC too.

And in investigating the ASC women I met a number of other successful women who now realise they are likely to have ASC. But several don't care because it impacts their life very little.

And I then dated a very attractive successful and social man who I now realise had ASC. You would know he is different but I doubt most people would pick him up as ASC. Some of his social skills would be regarded as very high level. I only noticed due to sensory stuff he had. And he has incredible focus too and drive to subjects that interest him. And then I met his father who was very typically ASC.

My point is that I now think a lot of ASC people don't meet the typical range of diagnostic criteria. These are the ones higher in the spectrum whose behaviour and appearance is similar to neurotypical. They dont go for diagnosis as they are successful, social and they cope. But many do have secret coping behaviours at home.

It is interesting that he isnt hugely oriented to sex as I think ASC people can tend to be driven by other stuff more.

Tough one for you. I would be exploring if there are other behaviours he can do that would help him cope -so he could stop doing the ones that annoy you. I think this might be a more successful course than simply demanding that he stop. If he really needs the release to cope he is going to find that a pretty impossible situation.

For example some individuals in my family find swinging on a swing really helps - or bouncing on a trampoline. Or some of the fiddle toys can help.

Hope you can find a way through :)

[noova61]

Could he possibly be jealous of baby and this is his way of getting your attention? I know you said hes's a good dad but its just a thought.

[Funnyonion17]

Sounds to me like he finds himself amusing doing it, almost asif he sees it as banter. My DH has a few weird ways like this, not quite as bad though. It's regressive and childish and annoying but I dismiss it mostly

[lellyli]

I could have written this myself op. My oh does exactly the same and i'm equally perplexed. He often responds to me with a strange noise and used to do the baby voice thing until i told him i didn't fancy him anymore because of it (though he still does it on occasion). It's deeply unsexy and the total opposite of what i find attractive but, like your oh, he is an otherwise intelligent, funny, good looking man. I haven't read all the responses yet as i wanted to write to say how similar our oh's sound and you're not alone!!

[Gillit]

Thank you, Waiting. I agree. It's easy to articulate it now in hindsight but it's likely I wouldn't have had clue I was doing it at the time, never mind why. So having it explained to him may well bring it to an end. It doesn't have to be done in a negative or contentious way either. Although I do understand it's difficult to broach.

Hope it's of some use to you, OP. Good luck.

[WaitingYetAgain]

Gillit

That makes sense. I feel as if the OP has addressed it with her DH and he is not taking her feelings or objections seriously. You sound as if you would have listened even if you perceived the request to stop as being unreasonable or adding to your stress. Glad to hear your life is a lot better now!

[FurryLittleTwerp]

My DH sometimes makes stupid noises, a high-pitched brrm brrrrrrmm sort of thing then a load of gobbledygook.

I think he's trying to make himself "fun" somehow - I hate it - so juvenile & not in the slightest bit amusing

[FindingJessica]

I have a stbxh who was a high functioning Aspergers. He had a senior position in a Government organisation but at home would use childish language he had picked up from the dc. As the dc became teens he started to use the same language/grunts they did and used other phrases etc that eventually grated on my nerves to screaming point.

[Gillit]

Waiting, OP sounds a lot like my DH in terms of patience so I guess if he asked me to stop, it would be cloaked in some form of pleasantry that I might ignore through not realising the severity.

If he outright told me to pack it in and explained how irritating he found it, I obviously would stop. During that time I would have probably ended up being silent instead of speaking though. I might have also been annoyed that he was adding to my stress by making it 'a thing' too.

Not saying you're wrong at all, OP. I completely agree with you and wouldn't be as patient in your shoes.

[WaitingYetAgain]

Gillit

If your DH had asked you to stop behaving like that/speaking like that during that time, could you have done it? What would you have replied?

[nachogazpacho]

Every time you could just say 'i can has cheese burger'. Every. Time. Just change the intonation to fit what you would have said. So if he says 'wee wee' you could say 'i can has cheeseburger' as if you feel sorry for him etc. What have you got to lose? Unless he is likely to get nasty, then don't.

[WaitingYetAgain]

I couldn't tolerate this. I cannot tolerate annoying noises (e.g. the sound of poor table manners/eating drives me mad) so there is no way I could deal with someone doing this after they've politely been asked to stop.

Not only that, but I would miss the adult company/conversation of my OH, so I would feel totally unfulfilled in that respect. What do you actually get out of him emotionally/mentally when he is behaving like this? Does he never have a normal, adult conversation with you?

It sounds, unless I have got it wrong, as if he does it all day/evening. The fact he doesn't ever do it around other people is really bizarre! Surely on some level this indicates he is aware he is doing it, so by choosing to continue to do it around you without explaining why, seems very disrespectful.