Strange Noises

[SandraInTheSun]

Really odd problem, and not sure where else to post. DH is wonderful, kind and caring but this problem is really bothering me. For background, we're together 7 years, married for 2, DD is 7 months old. He's great with her, in a senior, responsible role at work and is articulate, thoughtful and great fun.

This problem is long term, but probably bothers me more because I'm on maternity leave and sometimes deprived of adult company! He often makes odd noises instead of communicating properly, just with me. Like if I tell him about my day, he might say 'That is the flumblewormp of papunosity'. If I offer him a cup of tea, he might answer with 'that's what she said' instead of an appropriate response. Instead of informing me he needs to use the restroom, he might flail his arms and legs and shout 'wee wee wee wee'. This can be constant on a bad day, a few times an hour on a good day.

He manages to stop this completely to talk to absolutely everyone else. He seems to find himself really amusing. When I ask him to stop he tells me he'll 'be a good boy', and whenever I've tried to discuss it seriously he seems positively dejected.

I'm worried about its impact on DD learning to talk in the near future. I often feel dismissed and almost as though I'm the one being silly? He's otherwise such a lovely person.

There are no likely mental health issues. I'm a psychiatrist. There's no pervasive low mood, no delusions, no elation. No likely obsessive/compulsive element. I've recommended asking his GP or possibly seeking an opinion from someone who isn't his wife, but he's too embarrassed and can totally stop when in company.

Lost. Help!

[purplecoathanger]

He doesn't cope with conflict, he's dejected when you raise the issue - all symptoms of ADS.

[purplecoathanger]

I think many of us are on the spectrum, especially men. Learn to ignore it and celebrate his good points.

[Girlywurly]

Ignore it? But OP said it's constant at times...

[Itsmekathy]

I suppose it doesn't really matter what it is or what it's called. Can he stop it and if he can't, can you tolerate it?

[SirVixofVixHall]

Are you Melania Trump OP?

[SandraInTheSun]

No fetishes I know of (minor, vanilla kinks).

Issue is no worse or better since DD came along.

If it's a personality feature, it emerged well into his twenties, which is unusual.

[purplecoathanger]

Some things you cannot change, so learn to live with it or walk.

[SemiNormal]

If it's a personality feature, it emerged well into his twenties, which is unusual - did it emerge then or did it reemerge then? had he simply been hiding it until then?

[SandraInTheSun]

@purplecoathanger, he's also good at interpreting the emotions of others, good with idiomatic language, diplomacy comes easily to him, mixes well, made friends easily as a child, enjoyed imaginative play, is quite extroverted, reads people well, not upset by changes in routine, flexible.

Not proof, I know, but I've worked with lots of children and adults with ASD, and overall he doesn't fit the label. Nor would he access any additional supports as a senior doctor with same.

[Selena88]

This sounds a bit like a colleague of mine. She's very lovely and so hard working, but a few times a day she will put on a baby voice or do random impressions rather than answering questions properly or even taking part in a normal conversation. It can be a bit annoying at times.

Having worked with her a little while now, I've figured out there are triggers for her doing this, such as when she needs help with something or she's done something wrong, she will revert to the baby voice. Impressions will come out when she's not entirely comfortable in a situation, etc.

She's opened up to me a bit about her home life and it's not great, a lot of sadness, and I think all of the little annoying voices and noises are a defence mechanism of sorts. It's almost like she can't be herself as she can't take down barriers because she's been hurt at lot. Difficult to describe but hope that makes sense.

Obviously with you being a psychiatrist you are better placed than me to know if any of that sounds familiar.

If it really is just a sense of humour though and not anything else, I would struggle with tolerance personally.

[SandraInTheSun]

@purplecoathanger I was looking for shared experiences, a bit of handholding and empathy, maybe the odd suggestion as to how to cope.

I don't plan at all to leave him, but it's less black and white than 'deal or walk'.

[Sprinklestar]

I think he's doing it on purpose, i.e. choosing to be 'zany' - or what anyone else would term distinctly odd! I couldn't live like that, OP. It's almost abusive, the way it's done just with you at home, but he presents as 'normal' to everyone else. I bet if you tried to describe it to a friend or colleague, they'd find it hard to believe as to all intents and purposes, he's not like that. Except he is, when it's just you and him... I think it would be ultimatum time. Shut the fuck up with your weirdness or that's the end of the relationship. (Excluding any medical cause, obviously, in which case he needs to seek help.)

[SandraInTheSun]

@SemiNormal, I know his family and no stories would in any way indicate that this was a feature.

Possible, but unlikely.

[SandraInTheSun]

@Sprinklestar I think he does think of himself as 'zany'.

@Selena88 I don't think so, and I'd worry if I thought he only required said defence mechanism with me!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I don't see any examples of "noises", OP. Just an inventive use of language in your first post. Presumably this didn't put you off him when you were dating so to me it can't be that bad.

Sounds to me like he has a real geeky sense of humour which sometimes comes across as a bit immature. Maybe now you are a parent it just grates, whereas before you just accepted it. Did you expect him to go from laid back geek to responsible, boring, staid and humourless father the minute the baby was born? Maybe it's YOU is expecting too much? Asking him to change from how he has always been and which you have found acceptable up to now?

I bet your DD will find him very funny in a few years.

[SandraInTheSun]

@CurlyhairedAssassin, sometimes he goes around babbling, saying, for example 'flumble plink bop bop bop wibwibwib pingu pings woowoowoo'. Apparently he doesn't go this when alone.

[user1486915549]

Threaten to film him and show all his senior work colleagues if he doesn't stop.
Yeah I know I am mean but he would drive me bonkers !

[CherryMintVanilla]

I think he's just so comfortable and relaxed with you that his inner child comes out and he feels fine with acting silly. It sounds like that is who he really is, he just covers it up around people who wouldn't appreciate it...

Though I'm surprised he still does it after you've made it clear you don't like it. Have you been very clear that you find it unattractive? I would have thought that would squash the impulse in most self-aware adults.

[purplecoathanger]

Actually I think it is that simple. As you will know, changing behaviour is extremely difficult; especially changing someone else's behaviour. I think the only option is to deal or walk. What other option could there be?

[ijustwannadance]

Would be interesting if he did it when on his own or if he saves it just for you.

Maybe just a sharp stern 'NO' everytime he does it. Or a whistle? Electric shock?

[ijustwannadance]

I post too slow!

[Guiltypleasures001]

The first thing that came to my mind was your job, I wonder if his doing this is in response to it somehow
Is it an unconscious way of keeping himself in your thoughts ? He knows it winds you up, but at least your thinking about him.

Or could it be something like throwing you off the scent of figuring him out, is he threatened or fears you getting too close to him mentally? This has the whiff of pushing away to me, creating a barrier.

Now how's that for a bit of armchair diagnosis 🤔😬

[Sprinklestar]

That's an interesting point. Is he embarrassed by the thought of others knowing he's like this, or just not bothered? If he's not bothered, it would be less of a problem for me - he is just a bit wacky! If he'd find it humiliating to be 'caught out' then it's something deeper, isn't it? Gosh, how tricky. I can also see how having your own child can make previously endearing traits seem less than endearing in the cold light of day, when priorities have changed. But he does sound rather extreme... I would be a little concerned about your DC picking up on his odd ways too. Every family seems to have its own sprinkling of odd 'family words', e.g. a word a child pronounces incorrectly that sticks, but this is on another level. It's unfair to effectively teach a child incorrectly, like a non-native speaker trying to teach their child French badly...

[ijustwannadance]

Sorry but the fact he doesn't do it when on his own, when surly he'd be most comfortable makes it even more weird.

Maybe he is just trying to drive you slowly insane.

[ijustwannadance]

*surely