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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One night stand about to be revealed

148 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 08/05/2017 19:07

I'm not sure where to post this. Have been with my OH for 8 years, due to marry later this year. Around 18 months into the relationship I found out that he'd been seeing someone else briefly. I was devastated, he moved out for a time but ultimately we worked things out. We now have two children, upcoming wedding and are really happy and strong.

During the time we were apart, I very foolishly had a one night stand with one of his friends. Very stupid, but at the time it didn't come out and there has never really been a time to bring it up. Said "friend" has since married but is now getting divorced. We haven't spoken in about 5 years as he and DP fell out over something unrelated.

Last night I received an email from him, containing a picture he obviously took on the night in question, with the caption "your life is about to be over". I didn't know this picture existed; it was taken without my consent but is clearly me. The email didn't say anything else. Today I've had three voicemails from a withheld number, two just silence and one which I'm assuming is him saying that my OH will soon know what a cheating slut I am as he can't let us marry without the truth being out there. I have no idea what to do - OH and I are in such a good place so this will taint everything, particularly with the wedding so close. I have no idea why he would do this, but it sounds as if he's going to make it out to be an affair rather than the one night it actually was. I know it's partly my fault for not being honest but this has the potential to ruin everything. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SarahGraceMc · 08/05/2017 19:12

If the photo is nude or partially contact the police he can't share those images without your consent

peppatax · 08/05/2017 19:12

Oh no OP, that's really awful. Is there any way you can prove it was ONS and happened when you were apart? I'd suggest you come clean to be honest, if your DP and he fell out then chances are your DP will believe your version of events. Or is the 'unrelated' actually that your DP found out about the ONS and never told you?

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 19:13

Well for starters you did nothing wrong. You were separated because of your DP's cheating, he really doesn't have any moral high ground to stand on. You were single. You didn't cheat.

Anyway, you now need to decide whether to wait and see if this asshole will do as he says or tell your DP anyway to get ahead of it. If you do, Tell him exactly what has happened and that this asshole is now threatening to share the photo. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 08/05/2017 19:13

You need to get there first and tell dp the truth. . Your version before that awful man starts spouting his warped one. .
You were apart when you slept with him remember. . Thats not cheating. Unless your dp asked you if you had been anyone else and you lied then don't worry too much.

What a sleaze he sounds too.

Remind him taking and showing photos like that's is illegal.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 19:13

And yes, if he shares that photo he can be prosecuted for revenge porn.

Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 08/05/2017 19:14

Yes it is a nude photo, or breasts anyway. I did think of that, but by the time it's been shared the damage will already have been done

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 08/05/2017 19:14

Bloody hell that man sounds like a fucking shit. Why is he bringing this up so many years on?

It's hideous but to be honest I would speak to your dp about this, and just tell the truth. It will be a weight off your mind generally and it's also the only way to take the power from the one night stand man.

Teapot13 · 08/05/2017 19:15

This is blackmail, isn't it? Although you don't say he is asking you for anything? Definitely seek help from police. Personally I think it would be best to tell your partner before it blows up but you need to do what you think best?

Beyondworried · 08/05/2017 19:15

Ignore. He is clearly looking for a reaction. Hard I know. Are you sure it is him?

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 19:15

If he does share it bloody report him. He's a piece of shit for doing that. He obviously planned all those years ago to one day reveal the truth and try and ruin your relationship.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 08/05/2017 19:16

Police. In the immortal words of Ross Geller-you were on a break. It was daft, but it was a long time ago.This sleaze is now trying to intimidate you. Tell your dp, if he loves you, it might hurt, but he should understand that you are now being threatened.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/05/2017 19:17

Given his threatening email and the sinister calls I'd definitely be calling 101.

sprinklesofweirdness · 08/05/2017 19:17

Tell your DP, show him the emails, then go through this blackmail together. If he loves you, he will believe you. Good luck and what a see you next Tuesday!

Berthatydfil · 08/05/2017 19:18

He's the one in the wrong. You had split up from fiance.
Tell your fiancé you have no choice.
Then call his bluff - tell him your fiancé knows and you are intending to call the police.

ProseccoBitch · 08/05/2017 19:18

Find all the facts on what could happen to him if he shares it with anyone and threaten him back.

Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 08/05/2017 19:19

He obviously planned all those years ago to one day reveal the truth and try and ruin your relationship

This is what gets me. He's obviously been holding onto the photo for years, which I find utterly creepy. I'm also asleep in the picture. I didn't really know him at the time but I think him and OH had a history of chasing the same women, which I found out later. I don't think the ONS is related to the falling out because OH would have said. I'm just worried he's going to sell it as some sort of affair when it wasn't, but is obviously impossible to prove after all this time.

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 08/05/2017 19:20

That's awful (his behaviour, not yours). The best thing you could do right now is tell your DH and go to the police with his support. You have done nothing wrong. This man is a creep and completely out of order. Flowers

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 19:22

Surely your DP will believe you when you tell him it was just a ONS and not an affair? Do you think he won't?

CodLiverOil556 · 08/05/2017 19:22

The best thing to OP is remove his power i.e. Tell your fiancé about the photo before he has chance to and also tell the police, this is revenge porn and very much illegal. What a sleezeball.

Hope everything works out for you

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 19:22

Btw, don't warn the fucker that you're going to the police or that you've told your DP. He'll delete the photo.

Lalalallama · 08/05/2017 19:23

There are new "revenge porn" laws for this very type of thing. Not saying its porn but thats what its called (well in the press).

The shit thing is if you say nothing this complete sad prick will always have power/control of you - he might keep quiet for now perhaps but could re thresten you in the future.
Awful that it is i think you need to tell your partner and report this sick man to the police. Take away his power.
If your dp knows then dickhead man already has lost his thunder. Add the police and the little shit is fucked.
I know this does not resolve the impact this will have on your relationship but it does take awsy his power and gives it to you.
I hope you and your dp can sort this out. Its easy to say youve done nothing wrong - which you certainly havnt but i can see it may cause a few issues.

Intransige · 08/05/2017 19:24

Your DP was seeing someone else while he was also with you, so you split up and then had a one night stand?

If your DP would be bothered by the ONS he's quite the hypocrite.

I would just tell your DP what a creepy, nasty person his ex-friend is, show him the messages and then let the police know that you're being threatened.

ANewDawn · 08/05/2017 19:25

You were sleeping at the time? Christ that's even worse. Flowers

c3pu · 08/05/2017 19:26

Don't hesitate. Go to the police. They take a very dim view of this sort of behaviour.

magoria · 08/05/2017 19:26

Phone the police. Tell them he took pictures of you without your knowledge and is now threatening to distribute them. See what they say.

Unfortunately I think you are going to have to tell your DP. He may be upset to start but will be a hypocrite if he holds this against you.

Better you know and do this now before the wedding.

Good luck.

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