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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One night stand about to be revealed

148 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 08/05/2017 19:07

I'm not sure where to post this. Have been with my OH for 8 years, due to marry later this year. Around 18 months into the relationship I found out that he'd been seeing someone else briefly. I was devastated, he moved out for a time but ultimately we worked things out. We now have two children, upcoming wedding and are really happy and strong.

During the time we were apart, I very foolishly had a one night stand with one of his friends. Very stupid, but at the time it didn't come out and there has never really been a time to bring it up. Said "friend" has since married but is now getting divorced. We haven't spoken in about 5 years as he and DP fell out over something unrelated.

Last night I received an email from him, containing a picture he obviously took on the night in question, with the caption "your life is about to be over". I didn't know this picture existed; it was taken without my consent but is clearly me. The email didn't say anything else. Today I've had three voicemails from a withheld number, two just silence and one which I'm assuming is him saying that my OH will soon know what a cheating slut I am as he can't let us marry without the truth being out there. I have no idea what to do - OH and I are in such a good place so this will taint everything, particularly with the wedding so close. I have no idea why he would do this, but it sounds as if he's going to make it out to be an affair rather than the one night it actually was. I know it's partly my fault for not being honest but this has the potential to ruin everything. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Rach6l · 08/05/2017 19:26

Tell dp & go to the police together. Do you know his address?

f83mx · 08/05/2017 19:30

I would reply to the email simply stating that you will be taking it to the police station and he can wait to hear from them. Blackmail through and through, i'm not sure what they will be able to do but hopefully it will scare him off - they may be able to go round and warn him etc hopefully. What a d1ck! Then your call if you want to tell your OH, you were on a break, single so although not ideal with being a friend you could sleep with who you wanted! I'd be tempted to tell though so his 'hold' over you is truly broken.

LanaDReye · 08/05/2017 19:30

I think you should tell your OH, but first tell him that you're scared and being threatened and let him know about your feelings. You're in a good place so he will be concerned for you and he already doesn't like this man. You were at a low point too, remind of that before you talk about the other details.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 19:31

I would reply to the email simply stating that you will be taking it to the police station and he can wait to hear from them

No!! Don't do this. He'll delete the evidence if you warn him. Don't reply to him at all.

Patriciathestripper1 · 08/05/2017 19:33

Are you sure it's from him and not his too. To be ex wife?
Either way I'd ho to the police.
Like everyone has said you haven't done anything wrong.

bumblebae · 08/05/2017 19:35

That's horrible and I really do feel for you, please don't feel bad plenty of people have one night stands with people when it's less than ideal. I don't think your OH will be angry considering the context and how long ago it was.

I would say this though it is 100% a crime. Even if you sent the photo willingly it would be a crime for him to threaten you with sharing it. The fact you were asleep is disgusting. Sounds like the evidence you have is rock solid given the threats. Make sure to save everything and I wouldn't pre warn the guy that you've told your OH or the police either.

I know your concern is your relationship foremost right now but please do go to the police. Who knows what else this creep has done and to how many people. His attitude towards women must be vile to even think about this and when you think about the years of planning Sad he sounds very sinister indeed.

Good luck and so sorry this has happened to you Flowers

MichaelSheensNextDW · 08/05/2017 19:35

He could be hoping you offer him money to keep his mouth shut. Please take this to the police.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 19:37

Keep all the voidemails and emails.

OverAndAbove · 08/05/2017 19:37

Yes, go to the police - if he deletes the photo you still have the email he sent, so you can prove it, right?

You are not n the wrong here OP; it will be awkward to tell your DH but he can't blame you for anything

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 19:38

Definitely go straight to the police. Blackmail, possible other things.

f83mx · 08/05/2017 19:39

ZilphasHatpin

Hasn't she got the evidence as its been sent to her already? Even if he deletes his email account it would be very easy to prove it was his from computer review/ip check etc?

pudding21 · 08/05/2017 19:41

My thoughts were thinking could it be the soon to be ex wife, were they together at the time?

Maybe she has found evidence on his computer, that initiated the split. Either way, sounds like you need to be upfront with your DP.

Good luck

BillyButtfuck · 08/05/2017 19:41

What a nasty little cunt. Tell your DP then go to the police.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 08/05/2017 19:42

Screenshot the email and go to the police.

I agree with pps, you're not in the wrong here, I also think you should tell your OH.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 19:42

Oh good point f83mx, I still wouldn't warn him though. He'll only have time to get his story straight. Far better if the police turn up out of the blue and he has no time to cover his ass.

MrsJamesMathews · 08/05/2017 19:42

Oh my God, what a nasty arsehole!!

Firstly, go easy on yourself. You were not together. There was no need for you to tell your OH what you were and weren't up to whilst you weren't a couple. Especially given the reason you weren't together!

When you've got your head around the fact you've done nothing wrong, you need to tell your OH. Then the police.

Once you've told your OH what this nasty piece of work is doing then you remove all control from him.

downwifthekidz100 · 08/05/2017 19:42

Absolutely the police. Make sure you tell your OH too. Being honest means he can respect you even if it hurts him or the relationship for a while.

And absolutely do not call yourself a cheating slut. You can have sex with whoever you like when you aren't in a relationship.

HotelEuphoria · 08/05/2017 19:43

Police, and tell him so. Then depending upon his reaction tell DP. You actually haven't done anything wrong so have nothing to confess as such.

Dawnedlightly · 08/05/2017 19:45

ZilphasHatpin She has the picture already.
I'd tell him I'd told dp and the police.

downwifthekidz100 · 08/05/2017 19:46

How does he know you haven't told your OH? Especially as they aren't friends anymore.
Tell him to get over himself if he phones again.

yousignup · 08/05/2017 19:47

Yes, remove his power and tell DH. OP this is blackmail, the law is on your side. They will scare him enough for him to regret this forever.

yousignup · 08/05/2017 19:49

Just to add, I've dealt with some cases like this. They don't tend to get to court, but the involvement of the police terrifies the potential blackmailer.

ImperialBlether · 08/05/2017 19:51

I don't understand why you haven't told your husband about this before now. Was there more to the relationship?

ItsNachoCheese · 08/05/2017 19:52

Id tell your dh and then that way creepy fucker wont get in there first and warp things

BoffinMum · 08/05/2017 19:54

I agree about being honest with your OH given marriage is on the cards. You don't want that hanging over you. And it will deflate the blackmail.

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