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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One night stand about to be revealed

148 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 08/05/2017 19:07

I'm not sure where to post this. Have been with my OH for 8 years, due to marry later this year. Around 18 months into the relationship I found out that he'd been seeing someone else briefly. I was devastated, he moved out for a time but ultimately we worked things out. We now have two children, upcoming wedding and are really happy and strong.

During the time we were apart, I very foolishly had a one night stand with one of his friends. Very stupid, but at the time it didn't come out and there has never really been a time to bring it up. Said "friend" has since married but is now getting divorced. We haven't spoken in about 5 years as he and DP fell out over something unrelated.

Last night I received an email from him, containing a picture he obviously took on the night in question, with the caption "your life is about to be over". I didn't know this picture existed; it was taken without my consent but is clearly me. The email didn't say anything else. Today I've had three voicemails from a withheld number, two just silence and one which I'm assuming is him saying that my OH will soon know what a cheating slut I am as he can't let us marry without the truth being out there. I have no idea what to do - OH and I are in such a good place so this will taint everything, particularly with the wedding so close. I have no idea why he would do this, but it sounds as if he's going to make it out to be an affair rather than the one night it actually was. I know it's partly my fault for not being honest but this has the potential to ruin everything. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SometimesMaybe · 08/05/2017 21:19

People like this man are cowards. Email back saying that he is blackmailing you and threatening to use revenge porn, both of which are criminal offences. You will now be blocking his email and phone numbers and if you ever hear from him again you will contact the police immediately.

He will shit himself and do nothing and you won't have to tell your fiancé. In the unlikely event that he contacts you again go straight to the police.

ShakingAndShocked · 08/05/2017 21:20

Actually one possibility is to show him this thread as his rational reaction would also be that the woman in question had done nothing wrong? Then share with him that's it you and explain exactly how you are feeling - hopefully his first rational response (given no emotional reaction at that point as he won't yet be aware it's you IYKWIM) will help him then avoid what would be an entirely unjustified yet possible (given the shock etc response).

Am livid on your behalf at the vile little cunt that is doing this to you Angry

Please don't let him get away with it and remove his source of 'power' immediately by OH finding out from you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/05/2017 21:23

Are you still there OP ?

SparklyMagpie · 08/05/2017 22:07

Please speak to your OH and then contact the police. Hopefully your OH will support you. The fact this guy not only took pictures of you but NAKED and is now threatening, that's serious and will be taken seriously.

But please do not let this creep know about your OH knowing or the police knowing.

Hugs Flowers

Also, you've done absolutely nothing wrong

nauticant · 08/05/2017 22:15

Go to the police without tipping him off.

If he's creepy and unpleasant enough to take a photo of a sleeping naked woman and then try to use it nearly a decade later in order to cause harm just for the fun of it then there's a reasonable chat his phone/computer will have other stuff on it.

Florene · 08/05/2017 22:22

Contact police and say he is harassing you. They can interview him and either prosecute, or warn him against any future contact, including a warning about sending the image to anyone else.

This will hopefully be enough to stop him from taking the risk of prosecution by contacting your partner.

However, from what you have said you haven't done anything wrong so you should be able to tell your partner what's going on. He will be upset, of course, but hopefully not at you.

springydaffs · 08/05/2017 22:57

Agree with pp's - go to the police.

Wishing you the best op. I hope they get the bastard.

Onecutefox · 08/05/2017 23:05

I'd tell him that your DP knows about it. We were single at that time. However, DP said that your behaviour confirms again that he was right to not have you as a friend in his life.

springydaffs · 08/05/2017 23:11

No. Don't talk to him or communicate with him. Go straight to the police.

loaferloveforyou · 08/05/2017 23:33

I agree with pretty much everyone else here - go to the police.

If he took this picture while you were asleep, I would also be wondering what other pics he has. What a fucking creep!

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 09/05/2017 06:55

In a sense you technically didn't do anything wrong because you was single, but if I had split with my DH and we rekindled I would want to know if he had slept with somebody who was suppose to be my friend.

Sounds like his friend was waiting for this opportunity though. There would be no reason for him to have took that photo. This was his plan all along.

Take this chance for being honest With your DP, and inform the police. Worst case scenario if the photo was leaked, would the average person know it was You? Is your face in the photo or just your breasts? Or could you get away with easily denying it was yourself? I am only saying this, as too be fair his actions do not sounf as if he is not with it at the moment. Taking a photo without consent, holding onto it for years and now black mailing you.

newdaylight · 09/05/2017 07:02

DH will be able to tell from the photo that it was taken when you had separated. I say it's better you telling him than him finding out from this bloke or because of a police investigation.

But also tell him assertively what the plan is, that you are contacting the police today as well. Don't let him put you off if he tries to.

Charlie97 · 09/05/2017 07:33

This is awful, what a complete bastard!

Another one saying tell your OH, then straight to the police!!

Good luck x

Scrumptiousbears · 09/05/2017 07:58

I'd report to the police.

Do not delete the email.

When are the voicemails due to be deleted/vanish as these need to be recorded and preferably evidently.

Don't worry about the withheld number that's easy to trace.

Tell DP.

Sooner rather than later for all of the above. Taking control removes the control from that silly fucker.

EezerGoode · 09/05/2017 08:04

Gather your evidence,and go to the police after explain to your husband..a good man will only care about the fact you are being blackmailed....you are your husband we're on a break at the time...so you've done nothing wrong..if yr husband wants to delay the wedding for this....well that tells you the sort of person he is x

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/05/2017 08:07

Agree with everybody: you did nothing wrong, and this little shit is breaking all kinds of laws.

Have a further thought, though. You mentioned little shit (LS) had form for competing for the same woman as your STBDH (and other friends? or just him?). I'd wonder if he didn't deliberately target you. I know you said you might have done it out of spite, but I really wonder how much you might have been manipulated into this. Not necc relevant to your present situation, but I agree that when the police seize his phone/computer, they'll probably find a stash of similar pics of several women. So, this has every indication of being bigger than just you. And this is where hopefully STBDH might be able to assist: might he know of any other potential victims? Mutual (male) friends who might have a similar issue with LS?

Do you know why they fell out a few years ago? If so, are you sure that's why? Do you know why LS divorced? Things to ponder.

CalmItKermitt · 09/05/2017 08:12

What an absolute arsehole.

Tell your dp. The only reasonable reaction from him will be utter fury and outrage at this cunt.

category12 · 09/05/2017 08:46

The 'properties' of the photo may well confirm when it was taken.

Goingtobeawesome · 09/05/2017 09:16

Ffs don't show him this thread. Stupid advice.

rizlett · 09/05/2017 09:22

Btw, don't warn the fucker that you're going to the police or that you've told your DP. He'll delete the photo.

Or - wait and take a breath for a moment - warn the fucker that you are going to the police - he'll delete the photo and you won't need to tell anyone else.

ZilphasHatpin · 09/05/2017 09:27

Nah. Don't warn him. He doesn't deserve a heads up. He sat on that photo for years knowing exactly what he was going to do with it. Let him reap it.

DearMrDilkington · 09/05/2017 09:40

Hate to say it but he may have more than just one photo of you. For all you know he filmed you sleeping together. It's unlikely he stopped at just the one photo.

Get the police involved ASAP.

MommaGee · 09/05/2017 10:07

OP are you ok?

chipmonkey · 09/05/2017 10:24

Police, straight away. What a horrible bastard he is.

TheTabardOfDoom · 10/05/2017 11:12

How are things OP?

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