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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One night stand about to be revealed

148 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 08/05/2017 19:07

I'm not sure where to post this. Have been with my OH for 8 years, due to marry later this year. Around 18 months into the relationship I found out that he'd been seeing someone else briefly. I was devastated, he moved out for a time but ultimately we worked things out. We now have two children, upcoming wedding and are really happy and strong.

During the time we were apart, I very foolishly had a one night stand with one of his friends. Very stupid, but at the time it didn't come out and there has never really been a time to bring it up. Said "friend" has since married but is now getting divorced. We haven't spoken in about 5 years as he and DP fell out over something unrelated.

Last night I received an email from him, containing a picture he obviously took on the night in question, with the caption "your life is about to be over". I didn't know this picture existed; it was taken without my consent but is clearly me. The email didn't say anything else. Today I've had three voicemails from a withheld number, two just silence and one which I'm assuming is him saying that my OH will soon know what a cheating slut I am as he can't let us marry without the truth being out there. I have no idea what to do - OH and I are in such a good place so this will taint everything, particularly with the wedding so close. I have no idea why he would do this, but it sounds as if he's going to make it out to be an affair rather than the one night it actually was. I know it's partly my fault for not being honest but this has the potential to ruin everything. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 08/05/2017 20:18

Tell DP then wait to see if he sends it and if he does call Police. It's a crime and he's an arsehole

dailyshite · 08/05/2017 20:18

He has violated you. That is a totally natural feeling.

Will you go to the police when you have spoken to your fiancé?

gamerchick · 08/05/2017 20:18

Are you sure it's him? Is the photo date stamped?

Seriously you need to tell your dude.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/05/2017 20:19

You have done nothing wrong.

Tell your do, we were on that break and I slept with x on a ons, he has sent me a topless picture he took of me when I was asleep and has just sent it to me.

And then tell the police.

Flowers
Goodasgoldilox · 08/05/2017 20:21

I agree about telling your fiance and getting this straight. Since you were single at the time - it doesn't seem much of a problem.

He probably won't like that it was with his ex-friend ( but then it was only a one night stand so clearly he didn't measure up very well to the real thing!)

Msqueen33 · 08/05/2017 20:22

Save everything and go to the police the sick little creep.

I'd also tell your dp. Not pleasant but best he hears it from you.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/05/2017 20:22

Don't tell this twat anything. Let him shit himself when the police come calling out of the blue.

Maudlinmaud · 08/05/2017 20:24

What an absolute toe rag! Angry
I'm just another poster saying go to the police and I'm sorry this has happened to you Flowers
Nobody should be taking photos of you in a state of undress when you are asleep.

Maudlinmaud · 08/05/2017 20:25

And I'm pretty sure that is an offence. I hope he gets in serious hot water.

MrsChopper · 08/05/2017 20:28

Tell DP, he is much more likely to believe your turn of events before that swine makes up a story. Then call the police. Don't engage with the creepy fucker in any way.

ColourfulOrangex · 08/05/2017 20:29

I would tell your OH before this guy has chance to as it will be better coming from you...as others have said I would also go to the police as you don't know where else he may share the picture

innagazing · 08/05/2017 20:34

I wonder if it's the soon to be ex wife. She may have found the photo and thought you'd slept with her husband while they were married?
It's unsafe to assume that it's definitely the ex friend who sent it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/05/2017 20:39

But he has telephoned OP.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/05/2017 20:40

What sort of a break were you having? Had you agreed not to see other people or not?

I think you should tell your DP, but no apology, IF you hadn't agreed not to see other people. If you had agreed not to see others, then an apology is in order, BUT keep it in perspective - he was cheating on you, before you were 'on a break'.

Sara107 · 08/05/2017 20:43

He has indeed violated you op, he took a photo (or more than one) without your consent or knowledge, has held onto it for God knows what purpose for years and is now using it to try and stir up trouble in your relationship, again for unknown reasons. He must be a horrible man, and I hope your dp supports you in going to the po!ice. People should be made to realise that sort of behaviour is unacceptable.

PacificDogwod · 08/05/2017 20:48

Yes, he has violated you. Trust what you are feeling, you are right Sad
And he is trying to do it again. Don't let him!
Get angry, don't respond to him, but tell your DP and the police.

This can still be the happiest time for you - don't give the inadequate bully more power over you than he deserves, namely none.

OnTheRise · 08/05/2017 20:50

What a horrible thing for him to do. Definitely tell your partner and then the police. And try not to feel bad: you've done nothing wrong.

MissBax · 08/05/2017 20:50

That's horrendous!!! I would be in absolute pieces xxxxxx I'm pretty sure this would fall under the category of "revenge porn" or something similar. Call the police!

biffyboom · 08/05/2017 20:52

I suspect it could be the wife, or why withhold the phone number? A male friend or family member could be the voice on the message.

April229 · 08/05/2017 20:55

Honestly tell your dp. Explain the fact you had broken up at the end time, he slept with someone when you weren't on a break then say you are going to the police.

Dp will be a bit crushed but horrified you are being threatened and images of you been taken / kept / used to threaten you. Mentioning the police underlines that this is bigger than the issue of you sleeping with someone else when you weren't together.

You won't have the chance to put it in this context if he finds out another way.

SlothMama · 08/05/2017 20:59

You need to tell your DP, then go to the Police this fucker (however they turn out to be). It is disgusting what they are doing!

PoorYorick · 08/05/2017 21:00

Definitely tell the police and not the cunt. He mustn't have a chance to prepare, or to spread the photo once he realises the jig is up.

You've done nothing wrong, OP. Men who share content like this, even if it was shared consensually with them alone, are fucking scum. Men who steal the content without your permission are even worse.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2017 21:04

Please go to the police. I will bet this sick fuck has done this to other women. There's no way this is just a one off with you after all these years. He's a psycho.

Kittencatkins123 · 08/05/2017 21:08

God this is so awful I'm so sorry OP.
Do you have a friend who can go to the police with you?
I agree - go to the police straight away - he may back down once they are involved.
Either way, he is threatening you and has taken photographs without your permission.
What an absolute scumbag he is. I'm sorry OP.

ShakingAndShocked · 08/05/2017 21:15

Well for starters you did nothing wrong. You were separated because of your DP's cheating, he really doesn't have any moral high ground to stand on. You were single. You didn't cheat.

THIS ^ and in spades. Your OH may well be shocked but he has no right to be angry at you (unless there was some very overt conversation after the break and you lied at that point? I guess he could legit be a bit pissed off at that but you were on a break as he had frickin cheated on you! If he doesn't support you whilst you are being threatened for something you didn't do wrong then you have a whole separate issue to deal with as that would make him a total twat given the circs.

Agree with all PPs re tell OH immediately and then phone 101 and report him.

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