Yet another one

[Fubsy]

Ive been lurking here for a while, it seems like a lot of people are going through something like I am, so was reluctant to post, but feel I need to get it off my chest.

DP and I have been having problems for quite a while, this week we finally sat down and he said hje thought it was best if he moved out.

Its weird, but in spite of feeling like everything is better when hes not around, as soon as he said this I didnt want it to happen.

Im so annoyed with him because if he would just talk to me, it wouldnt have come to this. Weve had councelling in the past and it was helpful, but he seems to be repeating all the old patterns again. He hates his work, tries to get controlling with me and DD, and we have financial probs. But he is the worlds biggest ostrich (with me a close second) and it seems he would rather move out, although he says he still loves me, rather than talk.

Trouble is Im not sure I love him, and part of me is looking forward to doing things my way again.

But I feel so bad for DD, shes noticed our arguments and keeps making comments about it, but I think she'll be heartbroken if we tell her what is going to happen. I just dread it. And telling everyone else too - we live in a small village, so itll be all over like wildfire, and friends and family think were great together, because we dont discuss our problems with anyone else.

I have posted before, but things hadnt quite got this far then.

Thaks, LL. Im bllody terrified, if the truth be known. I like to think Im the string independent type, but I dont even know how to set the thermostat on the immersion heater. Pathetic really.

Thats bloody and strong, BTW

Maybe I shopuld make a list of things Ill need to get a man in for...

eg resetting the cooker timer after a power cut...

Tall and thin? If only

We havent discussed whos getting the computer yet - dont know what Ill do without MN

I'm in a kind of similiar situation. Our relationship is either up or down or pretty mediocre and I have just had news that my mum's cancer is terminal. So here was dh big chance to support me and care for me for a change and well, he's failed miserably basically and it's made my mind up that when all that's meant to happen has happened with my mum (cannot bring myself to state it any other way) I will definately be leaving him. I would do now but I don't want to upset my mum. My only concern is for my dd who's nearly five as I don't want her to come from a broken home. At the same time, I need to live my life too and my mum's situation has driven that home to me like nothing before.

Crystalpony, I understand. And Im very sorry to hear abiout your Mum - you need good support when things like that are happening.

I cant bear to tell my Mum,, or anyone else for that matter, I keep feeling like Ive got to protect them all from this.

Sorry you're having trouble.
Don't worry about being on your own. You WILL manage even if it seems overwhelming now.

Surely your dp wont be so unreasonable as to not show you how to do things before he leaves.

Don't be embarrassed to ask him, you need to know, then write down what he says, cos if you're like me you'll forget when it comes time to do it.

Good Luck

Thanks Fusby. Like I say, I understand how you are feeling ie Like everything would be better without him but still a big step to take. But I think that's more about losing the life you lead now (the one you are used to) as opposed to the actual man himself IYSWIM.

But you would cope and you'd learn stuff you need to learn to get by, as will I. Again, the most upsetting part is dd's position in all this but you can't sacrifice you whole entire life for your child. I don't feel that anyway. Think she would be better off with a happy, independant and satisfied mummy as opposed to one who's feeling downtrodden and resentful all the time.

I have to say, my dh takes care of us extremely well financially, he's a fantastic business man, but the downside is he appears to be soul-less because of it. Same old story I know.

The financial bit is what I worry about the most, neither of us earns a huge amount, I only work part time with little chance of getting more hours.

BoM, he wouldnt mind at all telling me how to do things. Its just that I feel as if Ill be asking all the time - itll be like hes still here but I have to phone him instead of face to face.

Its the old "we'll still be friends" thing. I never used to understand when celebs said that about their exs, if they were such good friends, why didnt they sort it out and stay together? But Im starting to see now. Its almost as if Id rather he were a mate who lived down the road, rather than someone who rubs me up the wrong way when he's here.

This afternoon I tried asking him why he was willing to move out rather than talk or go back to counselling.

He said were too far apart now.

But he doesnt know what he wants to do with his life. I just have this picture in my head of him sitting staring at the tv in a bedsit, or worse, sitting at a bar every night so he has company. I can just see the "she doesnt deserve you mate" brigade gathering round him, trying to get him fixed up.

He is depressed, but his GP said not to go on ADs at the moment, although I dont know why. Maybe thats not what the doc really said.

Message withdrawn

oh fubsy. Maybe its for the best that he moves out. Perhaps you can start 'dating' again to see if you can rekindle something?

Remove the pressures and stresses of living together and being in each other's pockets and try and be yourselves instead of housemates and parents.

Crystalpony - i am so sorry to hear about your mum

So let him move out. Have a couple of weeks on your own and then start going out as "mates".

Get a babysitter in every now and then and have an evening out. Or invite him back to yours for a meal.

You see what I'm getting at here? If you are to remain just friends then fine, at least your dd will see you both being friendly to each other. If you can rekindle something then you'll both soon find out.

You have nothing to lose. The most important thing is that your dd sees you both equally and she sees you being nice and friendly to each other.

Fubsy, just wanted to give my support, however it works out. Do you think there is anything left between you to work on and make a good go of it? Or is it irrepairable?

I can understand how you must feel financially, I don't work and that's a big reason keeping me with DH at the mo. It's very scary thinking about surviving on your own.

If there is a glimmer of love on both sides then maybe you can make him see that counselling is worth a shot before he leaves.
Good luck hon

Thank you, all of you. I wasnt sure about relate as its very difficult to get round here (only on Monday afternoons, I believe). But maybe its worth looking into.

maybe the dating thing would be a good idea. I think one of the problems has been that we dont have time to ourselves any more - no family round here, and I dont like asking people to babysit unless I am sure I can return the favour.

When we do get out together, we just dont have anything to talk about, usually falling back on how crap work is, which doesnt help put us in a good mood! But it shows how we have grown apart - I often cant think of anything to talk about with him, but theres always something to talk about on MN!

fubsy, I saw your post and wanted to offer my sympathy. I'm also having problems atm, but pretty much out of the blue, so a huge shock. I'm afraid I'm unable to think for myself to offer you anything constructive, but the advice I've received so far from mumsnet has been absolutely brilliant, and has made me feel miles stronger, calmer and in control. I wouldn't have managed, so I'm sure they'll do you proud too! Listen to these mums. They really know their onions.

Thanks ernest. I know what you mean posting on here making you feel calmer. You know it makes me really sad to think theres so many of us having similar experiences, but having something like this makes me feel Im not alone. Its much easier than talking to rl friends.

One of my best friends left her DH last year, and Im having to pluck up the courage to talk about this to her, cos she going through a bit of an "all men are bastards" phase, and I dont really want to hear that in spite of everything.

I bet that if you look like you're getting on with your life, including perhaps an innocent "date "with another man, even if you're screaming on the inside, he'll come around to the idea of Relate faster than you could imagine.

Pay a babysitter then, ours is only £4ph, worth it for 2 hours on your own. Once you start doing independent things you'll have things to talk about. Familiarity breeds contempt so you need to break that circle.

Good luck!

I agree that having some breathing space and a bit of time alone together could work wonders. It could help you remember the love you had in the first place.

VVVQ, thanks for your kindness